General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Ahh.. My first time here. I need to vent and I need some advice.
My husband and I are both in our early twenties. We have a one year old son. Worried about people seeing this so I'll call my husband H and my son S.
H and I started dating a little over three years ago. Just weeks after I was getting out of another relationship and unbeknown to me, while he was still in a relationship. I was unbelievably infatuated with him and other than him being so attractive and great in bed, I couldn't figure out the connection. (yea, that sounds great, but at the time finding someone with those qualities wasn't very hard for me.) I knew at that time that i was "meant" to be with him, but that I should wait. Anyways, I didn't wait, and during that first year...he had cheated on me with about 10 different girls. Repeatedly went back to his ex. Gave me a life long STD. Got me pregnant, and when I told him, abandoned me for weeks while he ****ed his ex. I had an abortion, and he was there for that, but I don't know why or how we got back together after that. At the end of that year...literally on NYE, I found out he had slept with his best female friend, who, secret from me, was in love with him and slept with him on and off before we started dating. I was so angry and he supposedly love me so much and didn't want me to go, so while we argued over letting me see his phone, he threw me on the floor and then again into the fridge doors. When I went to call the police from the house phone, he ripped the cord out of the wall, stole my cell phone and ran out of the house.
Long story, but his two friends couldn't believe he got violent with me, came to check on me and convinced me not to spend New years at home alone. I went out with them and ending up letting his best friend stay the night. For weeks I carried on with H's best friend, NEVER had sex with him, but we had our sleepovers. H even showed up at my house one night banging on the door, hysterical because he seen his friend's car outside.
H stopped doing everything, he was laid off, so he laid on his mother's couch for WEEKS, calling me, saying he still loved me despite what I was doing with his friend, that he deserved to be hurt like that, that he wanted nothing else than to be with me.
&of course I gave in. A couple months later I got pregnant again, on purpose, don't even ask. He was still laid off and I had to quit working around 5 months pregnant, so we lived with my family. There was a lot of hurt from the past, but we were okay. Our son was born and it was like we had fallen in love all over again. We were so happy. I went back to work and started going to night school. He also found new work. However, we're both in plenty of debt, so we still live with my family.
Anyways...when S was 7 months old, H and I got married. I'm a Christian and I went into this thinking I knew what marriage meant, or atleast what it meant to me and I was under the impression that he felt the same way. We had spoke about what we wanted from the future, the importance of keeping our family together and healthy, how we would not let our marriage fail no matter what (with the exception of infidelity.) Besides, things had been great for the last almost two years and it was like we were married anyways.
Not even 3 days after returning from our honeymoon, I find out that he gave this girl his number, she texted him asking for him to take her for a ride on his bike and because he responded back" oh no, my wife would kill me" he kept it in his phone hoping for a pat on the back. I was furious...after all we've been through...all the trust issues..all the infidelities...that he could do this..and at the beginning of what was supposed to be the happiest time of our life. I asked him how she got his number..he lied. I knew he was lying. He didn't tell me the truth until several days later, that she asked and he gave it. He also lied to be and said he had never slept with her, eventually it came out that she was one of the many girls he had cheated on me with in the first year. I was..so..just...angry beyond belief that this was happening. I really believed he had changed and I was horrified that I just made an oath to God to spend my entire life to the monster that I thought disappeared. He begged and begged me to stay. Swore up and down that he'd never lie to me again. Promised that he was going to fix things and that he understood that he broke my trust AGAIN and would work on making it better.
Things did get better. Some trust did return. Three months later he lies again. He's in a motorcycle club and because that's where he was giving his number out to girls, he wasn't supposed to return to the clubhouse without me. So one night after work (he was working at a bar), he puts his phone on silent, turns off the google maps gps, goes to the clubhouse, ignores about 20 of my calls, comes home at 6:30 AM...saying he was at a buddies house. I looked at our phone usage online and in the midst of ignoring my calls he was recieving texts from numbers I dont know. Look at his phone and they're not on there. He calls me crazy. I spend a WEEK..crying hysterically...lost..confused..before he tells me the truth. He was at the club house with his friend from work. He texted him the first time talking about some girl he was checking out. The second text was from a FEMALE club member, saying she was home safely and that she LOVES him.
Again...begs not to leave him, he's sorry for lying, it'll never happen again, he's going to fix our marriage, he's going to rebuild the trust, he's going to find us help (counseling or other resources), swears on it. I stay.
A couple weeks later, this last Saturday, he asks if I mind that he goes to watch the fight at the bar, I don't care, he asks me to go, I had so much homework to get done..I told him to have fun with his guy friends, but to please do the favor and don't sit with or hang out with any females. He promises. Leaves. I call him when the fight is over and all I hear is some girl laughing in the background..I hear a couple of guys too..but..the one thing I ask and ughhhgkjfdnk. So angry. I'm so tired of arguing and explaining to him that's he wrong so I drop it. He apologizes when he gets home..he's sorry...he should of told his friends that he didn't want her around or whatever. Next day I look at his phone..and has some messages from that night "It was great seeing you tonight. Hope all is well! - Brooke" He never mentioned that when he was apologizing.
What do I do? I feel so stuck and so stupid and foolish. I feel like getting married was a huge mistake. Yes, in between these fights we're great. I really feel like we're meant to be together. He's my best friend and I have loved him unconditionally from the start, but I don't want to spend my entire life getting hurt. I feel like all these little things are going to build up to him sleeping with someone else. I'm so depressed that I'm falling behind in school, housework, interests. I'm too tired to argue anymore. I'm in school to be a counselor, knowing all their tricks, I don't know if they could even help. I'm starting to believe that being a liar and cheater is just in his DNA. I want out before it gets worse, but I love him so much and neither of us want a broken family. What do I do?
Oh honey, he isn't your best friend. A best friend wouldn't do that to you. A best friend would look out for your best interests, put you first and never waver. Would you do that to your best friend? Sneak, lie, cheat and lie some more?
You state you are Christian. Maybe this is God's way of telling you to open your eyes early on in the marriage to prevent further damage to you. Love isn't supposed to hurt. Love is supposed to be nurturing, caring, safe and above all trusting. He hasn't shown that to you.
((Giant hugs to you))
Sigh. To be young and in love. To a jerk. Been there, done that. Thankfully I did not marry the guy.
I have to agree with Brennan. He may be a great guy, just young and stupid. He MIGHT grow up some day. But in the meantime he has shown you that he is not trustworthy, done not consider your feelings. The degree of lying and cheating is absurd.
Help him grown up. The best thing you can do for you and for him is to tell him in no uncertain terms, no way. Say to him and to YOU, I am strong, loving, caring and wonderful. I deserve better than your lying, unfaithful, untrue ways. When he begs you to stay, be strong and remember you have been down this road. Picture your image in a mirror. Picture yourself with a man who cherishes you, who values your love.
You are young. You are not stuck. No kids, unless there is more to the story than I missed. God forgives mistakes. Be kind to yourself.
So, in between fights you're great, *you* love him unconditionally, he's *your* best friend, you're meant to be together?
The only reason that you're "meant to be together" is because you've made him your world. Let's look at some of the facts:
He's cheated on you basically since Day One.
He's given you an STD you'll never be rid of as a result.
Took off on you when he found out you were pregnant.
Beat you up.
Cheated on you MORE after you got married.
Gets texts from other women after he's been out til all hours with "his buddies".
...and you're afraid this will end up with him sleeping with someone else again?
I have to tell you, I bet he has. The texts you found aren't the kinds of texts that girls who are actually friends of guys send. I have a lot of guy friends. Guys I really am friends with that I haven't ever and don't ever intend to sleep with, date, etc. If I text that it was great seeing them, it's usually followed by some kind of a plan, info--actual followup to something that went on that night. "Hope all is well" I would translate to "here, now you have my number in your phone".
You may love him unconditionally, totally, desperately. But you need to love yourself too. And you need to love your son enough for him to grow up and learn that relationships don't work that way. Think about what he's seeing and absorbing about marriage and relationships. Is that the kind of son you want to raise? He'll either be just like his dad or else totally bitter and cynical about relationships.
You said that you don't want to spend a lifetime being hurt. You're young enough to make a fresh start pretty easily at this point, you have the support of your family, you're getting the education to be independent--if you're wondering what to do, take the reins and go! It's the time of your life, take advantage!
You are young. You are not stuck. No kids, unless there is more to the story than I missed. God forgives mistakes. Be kind to yourself.
Umm, i'd say you didn't read her entire thread!!!
To the OP, not trying to sound too mean when i say this, but your name should be Rainbowdim, because you've just made numerous stupid choices when dealing with H. The guy has cheated on you with over a dozen women, prob 100 actual times... and you look the other way??? You know why he is with you today, because when he hit rock bottom he knew he could fall back on the biggest doormat of a person he knew... and that was you! Why on earth are you with this guy? Is he that good looking that you look past all the other negative aspects. I'm stunned when i read all this. I would of thought this was a troll post if it wasn't broken down so well.
I'm going to give you the tough love that no one else here is going to give to you. ARe you still living with YOUR family... put his arse out!!! Do it tonight! He isn't going to stop cheating. Why would he, you haven't given him reason not to. He know he will cheat... you will cry... and a few days you guys will be having dinner together and you'll think everything is right in the world. Do you know what he thinks of you, its this... How could any man respect a woman who he continues to do this to and get away with it. Every day you stay with him from this day forward, is a day wasted of your life. Women like you are why guys sleep around so much... because they can. KICK HIM OUT NOW!!!
Yah. How did that not touch down. I read it. Brain fart!
Well, since none of us are being graded... you are safe. Ha-ha. Given this situation, even if she didn't have kids... she's still be with him. I think he's so handsome, she thinks she will never land such a man of his physical attributes, so she's willing to but up with 10 lifetimes worth of BS in order to smile in his face everyday. I actually feel sorta sorry for her, because you can feel the pain in her words, but i consider it self inflicted because she chooses to keep herself there. We know how this will end, she will keep him around for another 10 years or so before she finally gets it.
Ah.. Okay. I did put him out. He hasn't had sex with anyone else during our marriage. I'm seeing you all think I'm stupid, but I know he hasn't. Not yet.
Ahhhhfdkjsn...I can't believe this is my life, but it's okay.
A lot has been left out because I felt that my post was rambling. During that first year...everytime I found out he was cheating..I found a date for that night. At the time when we first started dating..him being so handsome and everything was great to me, BUT IF YOU READ MY POST, you'd see that...that didn't matter that much to me because when we first started dating I was very young and very beautiful, a bartender in a strip club, so I had very handsome, very rich, men wanting to take care of me left and right...the reason I fell for him so hard..when he was broke, irresponsible, and a ********* is still unclear to me.
During my pregnancy, his six pack disappeared, he stopped brushing his teeth daily, skipped out on the haircuts. He gained about 20 pounds and still is looking and acting the same way. This is why I don't think he's sleeping with anyone. I believe he flirts and all that, but for an entire year I dealt with someone who was sleeping around..I know the signs. He's someone who takes great pride in sex and...that's not happening..He's not shaving his junk, he's not washing himself, doing his hair, wearing cologne. Not showering first thing when he gets home. Not to mention we both have Google latitude on our phones..so I we both know exactly where we both are all the time.
I'm obviously defending him, but, I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't of given so much information about that first year. These last two years have been a lot different. Very different...which is why I'm so taken back by what's happening now that we're married.
&&because I'm a Christian...I went into this believing that I was in this for life...marriage isn't something I took lightly or that I felt didn't change the dynamics of our relationships..because for me it did. I guess he doesn't feel the same way though.
I did put him out last night. He's staying with his step mother. If I stay with him, I know that I'll end up JUST LIKE HER one day..and let's just say that's not a pretty picture. I know my worth. I know that this is unacceptable. I don't want a broken family and I don't want an ******* treating me badly in front of my son either. These are tough decisions and not as simple as you're writing it out.
If he sets up counseling (like he has said he would), without me asking to, I'll give it a go. He can't come back to stay here unless that happens with success though.
Thank you for your advice. I do appreciate it. God has a glorious plan for my life and whether it's with H or without him, I can accept it.
Well, since none of us are being graded... you are safe. Ha-ha. Given this situation, even if she didn't have kids... she's still be with him. I think he's so handsome, she thinks she will never land such a man of his physical attributes, so she's willing to but up with 10 lifetimes worth of BS in order to smile in his face everyday. I actually feel sorta sorry for her, because you can feel the pain in her words, but i consider it self inflicted because she chooses to keep herself there. We know how this will end, she will keep him around for another 10 years or so before she finally gets it.
I love that you think you KNOW me so well from one page worth of random information. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm much stronger than you think you know.
These are tough decisions and not as simple as you're writing it out.
The decision is HARD. Tough as you say. But still quite simple.
Quote:
If he sets up counseling (like he has said he would), without me asking to, I'll give it a go. He can't come back to stay here unless that happens with success though.
That sounds like a decent plan. Good to hear you are not devoid of back bone.
Quote:
Thank you for your advice. I do appreciate it. God has a glorious plan for my life and whether it's with H or without him, I can accept it.
I love that you think you KNOW me so well from one page worth of random information. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm much stronger than you think you know.
You are absolutely right. I don't know you, but you came here seeking advance, you put yourself out there... i can only respond to what you throw out there. Re-read what you wrote and ask yourself what type of analysis people would get of you who don't know you. I hope you are angered by my critique, so angered that you NEVER let this happen to you again!!! I don't come to this board to hold hands or make friends, i come here to give advice that may help people out in their situation. How would i help you by saying..."Gee, things will work themselves out.. just stick to it... he'll change." That is not realistic. He wasn't going to change anytime soon, if anything, just get worse.
I gave you a dose of what your situation really looks like from an outsider. Perhaps if a friend who have done this to you 5 years ago, it would have erased a lot of pain you've endured. In the end you did what you had to do ( which i suggested you do ) which is best for you and your child. I am actually happy for you in this regard. So many women waste half of their life before they finally "get it."
Well, since none of us are being graded... you are safe. Ha-ha. Given this situation, even if she didn't have kids... she's still be with him. I think he's so handsome, she thinks she will never land such a man of his physical attributes, so she's willing to but up with 10 lifetimes worth of BS in order to smile in his face everyday. I actually feel sorta sorry for her, because you can feel the pain in her words, but i consider it self inflicted because she chooses to keep herself there. We know how this will end, she will keep him around for another 10 years or so before she finally gets it.
Or even if she boots him to the curb, she is likely to become a life long a@@hole magnet. OP - counseling for you perhaps?
Its really sad that happens to you but I think you go away from him for a small time than he will definitely realize your importance in his life, he will definitely realize your love for him. All the best..
The information I provided is about 1/50 of the entire story..Enough to give basic advice on my situation, not enough to create an analysis of who I am or what I might do in the future. Also, just a word of advice, when you want people to listen to your opinion..even if it is your version of "tough love"..it might be helpful not to throw in an abundance of insults.
With that said, I've had enough of your "insight", Rob. Please stop posting. You've been zero help and a mere annoyance.
Thank you to everyone else for your advice and concerns!
Newlywed Mistakes 
Re: Newlywed Mistakes 
How could any man respect a woman who he continues to do this to and get away with it. Every day you stay with him from this day forward, is a day wasted of your life. Women like you are why guys sleep around so much... because they can. KICK HIM OUT NOW!!!
