I always heard about men not being turned on when their wives gained weight and I thought it was awful and that they should love them for themselves not what they look like. However, my husband has gained at least 75 lbs. since we have gotten married and it disgusts me to look at him. He is not active because of the weight and lets face it, the stomach is so big he cannot get into all positions. His face has dissapeared into a mound of fat. He has a lot of medical conditions that the doctors tell him would be eliminated or a whole lot better if he lost weight. I knew on our honeymoon (16 years ago) that he had a problem when he was more interested in where we were going to eat next than sex. Also he was so sweet until the honeymoon. I fell in love the man he pretended to be, not the man I found out he was after marriage. I have stayed because I just did not want to start over and the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. We were in our early 40s and did not want another failure. I cannot believe I have spilled all this out.
Last edited by morticia1217; 07-23-2008 at 02:01 PM.
Reason: misspelled word
I always heard about men not being turned on when their wives gained weight and I thought it was awful and that they should love them for themselves not what they look like. However, my husband has gained at least 75 lbs. since we have gotten married and it disgusts me to look at him. He is not active because of the weight and lets face it, the stomach is so big he cannot get into all positions. His face has dissapeared into a mound of fat. He has a lot of medical conditions that the doctors tell him would be eliminated or a whole lot better if he lost weight. I knew on our honeymoon (16 years ago) that he had a problem when he was more interested in where we were going to eat next than sex. Also he was so sweet until the honeymoon. I fell in love the man he pretended to be, not the man I found out he was after marriage. I have stayed because I just did not want to start over and the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. We were in our early 40s and did not want another failure. I cannot believe I have spilled all this out.
First I think it is normal for to not feel attracted to your husband with the weight gain there. To say you feel disgusted when looking at him sounds a bit harsh though. I would be willing to go out on a limb and say there are other issues that are adding to your disgust. Have you spoken to him about the his weight? When my wife has shown interst in losing weight, I would encourage her by cooking meals. She was on the weight watchers plan, and I would measure her proportions. Being supportive and helping out goes a long way to encourage a change.
I think the more important issue here is when you said you felt lied to about the man he pretended to be. How much anger to you have from this? How was he before, and what has changed?
Most people when they marry feel they have to stop doing all the things they used to because they are now married. What you were used to was why you fell in love with him, and since then he hasnt fulfilled your needs as you have needed. Now the weight is just another issue coupled with some resentment for him not fulfilling your needs. You need to express to him in ways that you are not fulfilled and need more from him. On the other side you have to fulfill his needs of love and by doing that he will return the love you need.
I'm dealing with the same. My husband has gained about 120 since we were married 20+ years ago. It isn't easy. The disgust can be a real thing that isn't easy to get past. It is something, though, that you really have to approach with him as it won't go away on its own. You have to find out if he is willing to change and then decide if you can live with it if he WON'T.
Love should not be conditional or its not true love. Although being attracted to someone is not the same as love. I believe we are programmed to be attracted to certain body types so what you describe is normal. Its not 5 or 10 pounds, you are talking about extreme weight gain. The other issue is perhaps he now lacks confidence in himself, and let's face it that is also a turn off. Also his lack of caring for his health would be something that would also bother me. You don't want to hurt him or discourage him so he just gives up, but why don't you encourage him instead? How about starting a work out routine together, how about fixing low calorie health meals. When he participates and starts working at it build his confidence. If you love him, you want him to be healthy. I have always been physically fit, although since marriage (15 years and 2 babies later) I'm not as fit as I once was. Although at a size 6, I'm also not huge either! One of the things my husband said to me is "I'm in the best shape of my life and you haven't done much for yourself" I knew he meant the weight gain, lack of exercise, and I'll admit my hairstyle which I used to wear very long also never changed. Ok, good point. Was I hurt, yeah, but motivated. I cut my hair to my shoulders and colored it...I love it! I was lazy about wearing contacts but now wear them every day. I lost 15 pounds in 3 weeks and am dedicated to a workout program. People noticed! I've had several people be very complimentary. It makes me feel great. I'm not doing this for him, I love how I feel. I have more energy, can manage stress better, and now love to try on clothes. Guess what? I have confidence now. It changed my attitude, not just because of the improved physical appearance but now I was caring about me. Now while he was getting in good shape, guess who was watching the kids? When he bought himself rollerblades did he think to buy me a pair? Did he plan healthier meals? Did he even make it easy for us to eat before 8 or 9pm, no! He focused on him, while I focused on the family. However, I learned to balance both. What I wished he would have done when he began working on himself was to say "hey let's do this together". Together we could have worked out our schedules, planned better meals, and encouraged each other. Rather than him do it while he left everything to me then say hey you don't look so good. Good luck!
Generally when someone has a 100+ pound weight gain, it is more complicated than just fixing healthier meals for them (done that, I'm vegetarian) or encouraging them to exercise with you (done that, he won't go). There is some really destructive behavior going on. It could be an addiction-type relationship with food, major depression, or too much life stress. But at some point THEY have to take responsibility to solve the problem.
weight gain and sex
