Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Is it all in my head???

2K views 6 replies 5 participants last post by  Nekko 
#1 ·
my wife and i had a rough year together so far this year. we celebrated 10 yrs together and 4 yrs married this yr but it was still by far the worst year we have had.

long story short, she told me back in may that she was unsure about us, about what she wanted anymore, and said she loved me but she just wasnt sure about her. she saw a therapist for awhile and she took a 2 week vacation to visit family in california (she's a school teacher, so summers off) to see if the time apart would help. at the time all this was going on (total of about 3 months) i was devastated and heart broken. we had been together since high school and i knew i loved her more than anything. the time apart did help. after she came home, she realized what was going on in her head and what was causing it and she apologized strongly for it. she said it stemmed from our issue of us having trouble conceiving for children. she said it hit her hard. this whole issue ended in mid-august. so since then things have been well.

my issue now is me. lately i have been feeling similarly to the way she was. part of me feels like im am falling out of love with her. i have been more miserable than normal and thoughts come to mind that i shouldnt be thinking. i do think a lot of it stems from the lack of sex within the last month or so. up until this year we had a healthy average sexual relationship of about 2+ times per week. now it is more like 2 times per 2 weeks. when we do it seems kind of like a chore and there is no more spark there. lately my mind is working eratically. im thinking sex, then im thinking cheating, then im thinking she doesnt do anything for me anymore, etc. i do not know what to do. she always says she loves me and always gives me a kiss goodnight. i am about to have a breakdown over this. somebody let me know, am i thinking too much into this? is it really all in my head? i thought about confronting her with it but i know the pain i went through and i feel this year was rough to begin with.

i'll give an example. i was miserable the majority of the weekend. she knew something was up and asked a few times what was wrong and i just responded that i was tired and havent slept well. yet when we went out saturday night, even though i was miserable she still insisted on holding my hand in the car and out shopping and etc. i think part of the issue with me is, i'm missing the little things. the feeling that i am wanted and needed. i'm sorry for spilling all of this out there. whoever reads this, you are probably thinking i am an idiot and just need to suck it up and move on. i just do not know. thanks for any help.
 
See less See more
#2 ·
Maybe you should print off the questionnairs on the marriage builders site and find out what you are missing. I am not gonna jump on you for feeling like something isn't there, sometimes that happens. At least you are in here trying to figure it out and not out cheating!

I would print off those love busters and love kindlers questionnaires, find out what your love language is and go to your wife with it and ask her to do the same. Rediscover each other and find out how to get to a good place together.
 
#3 ·
Have you told her? If not, step up.

'Sucking it up' benefits absolutely no one. You do a disservice to yourself and to your wife.

You need to decide what you want your lives to look like as individiuals and as partners in marriage

Be honest with yourself, and importantly, be honest with her.

Given where the two of you are at, it is very likely that you would both benefit from marriage counseling. Most people wait until the relationship is on full life support before considering therapy - don't make that mistake.

What I can guarantee is that if you simply choose to sit on this and ruminate about it, nothing will be addressed.
 
#5 ·
Is it possible that because she "rejected" you when she wasn't sure, now you can't trust her to love you enough to get that feeling of safety and "our relationship will never die" back?

I felt out of love right after i suspected my husband of cheating. He didn't, but it felt like i came out of a sweet dream where everything was perfect into a world where breaking up, cheating and other types of hurt are possible. The relationship wasn't so sweet anymore and i was suddenly vulnerable to all kinds of hurt because i didn't feel as important to him anymore. I thought more of sex (was trying to get close and get those feeling back), wanted it more, got rejected more which lead me to think of other guys (who wouldn't reject me) a lot more, partially because i wanted sex and partially because i had to have a "back-up plan" if the relationship would for some reason fail. I don't know if this rings a bell, but i can at least say that I've had moments where my thoughts were just as quick to jump around as yours. They're not the same anymore. If i had followed my feelings back then i'd have screwed up big time (in multiple ways :) )

Just try to calm down, remember that feelings are just feelings and sometimes they aren't very reliable. And like Deejo said, you can be honest to your wife about it as well.
 
#6 ·
Nekko, i was feeling that way shortly after it ended. but when she finally pulled me to the side and apologized and thanked me for standing by her. i felt great and because i love her i promised to forget it. and honestly, with what i am feeling lately, that not once has bothered me. i am past that. i really am.

a lot of it does stem with the sex. the lack of sex doesnt help. its mostly the little things i guess. feeling wanted and needed. i dont make moves often for sex, because it seems i'm turned down alot. so i just stopped and let it happen when it would happen. i shouldnt have to feel that way. i do not know if it is just her sex drive or what. granted, i know i am more of a freak in ways i guess. sometimes sex is all i think about. i mean i could have sex 5 times a day, everyday but it doesnt happen that way of course.

my question is, is this all in my head? should i just ignore it and let things continue? part of me feels like i am nuts for thinking too much into it. maybe our marriage has just gotten comfortable i guess. we have been together for 10 years, so i do realize the courting and lovey dovey stuff does gradually fade.

but thank you nekko, your advice was clear. i am going to NY for the weekend without her. maybe this will allow me to clear my mind and come back home feeling better. thank you all for the advice. i will practice it all.
 
#7 ·
Your marriage may have gotten comfortable, but it's the way you feel about the situation and if you don't feel ok you'll have to figure out exactly why and try to improve things. I'm saying this because that feeling usually doesn't go away.

I'm in the once per two weeks sex area and when like now, it comes close to three weeks, i'm miserable, i tend to pick a fight, and we don't talk to eachother for the next day. Like you, i'm turned down a lot as well. Not feeling needed and wanted is making me hate him despite how much i love him. I don't have the same "in love" feeling anymore and i honestly to god have become mortified to ask for sex or talk about it with him. Obviously, this is after a long period of having these problems. But it has turned a man that i loved, who was my best friend, into a man i can't really talk to, sometimes hide things from, occasionally hate and often consider to break up with. I'm not saying the same is going to happen with you but try to fix it now before you drift apart and things get worse. Even if that means establishing she has a lower sex drive and you both decide on sex once a week or something.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top