A week or so ago, I posted about my husband being an addict. If you want to read the history, the post is called My Marriage-No Trust.
As I've said, my husband is an addict and right now he's clean and going to counseling. The last time he screwed up, I told him I would give him this one last chance and if he screwed up again I would file for divorce and leave him. Well so far he's clean, he sees this counselor 3 times a week and then once a month we both go see the counselor. On occassion I do talk to the counselor about my husband and what is going on with him.
Well a week or so ago, my husband told the counselor he was worried about me. He told the guy that I'm moody and since i had a hystertecmy a year ago, I do not take any hormones because of a breast cancer history in my family. My mother had breast cancer 11 years ago and is a suvivor, my grandma, her mother, also had breast cancer and died from cancer. I have several aunts and a cousin who have all died from breast cancer on my mothers side. The type of cancer my mom had was what they call ERPR-Positive which means her cancer fed off of estrogen. which is why the doctors have told me to never take hormones. So I don't. I have also had two biopsy's, one in each breast which have both been okay, but the cancer facility I go to..MD Anderson....all the doctors there have told me to never take any hormone replacement therapy and not to even take the all natural hormones because it's the hormones that could possibly cause me to get breast cancer. Well actually if I get breast cancer (it will be because I am going to get it), but the hormones would or could put me in a higher risk catagory.
Anyhow....this counselor has told my husband I should take the all natural hormones and now my husband thinks I should too. I've told him I will not take them and that's that. Well today, I talked to the counselor because I've been feeling as though i just can't be in this marriage anymore. I love my husband but I'm not sure I am IN love with him anymore. All the lies, and deceit from him taking money from our accounts, and charging on our credit cards to get cash out of the credit cards...I've just had enough..ya know? Just recently my husband took over 200 dollars from our checking account and didn't tell me. I figured it out when I went on line to check our balance. When I confronted him about it, he gets mad at me and tells me I need to chill out.
Yes, I probably am a bit moody, but only around him. Everyone else in my life I am happy when I am around them. I find myself not wanting to come home and not wanting to do anything with him. His actions over the years have caused me to fall out of love with him and I just want to make a new start. But I did promise him that I would stick it out and give him one last chance to beat this addiciton. Trouble is....I just don't know if i can fight anymore for this marriage. I don't want to fight...I want to throw in the towel and move on.
Today I talked to the counselor and he too said that I might feel better if I took the hormones......are you kidding me? they both want me to get in a better mood and put my health at risk. If my husband hadn't cheated on me with drugs and lies....I don't feel i would be feeling this bad and wanting out of the marriage. I just don't trust him anymore. I honestly don't think he's going to beat this addiction. He will be an addict the rest of his life and there wil always be a chance that he can scew up and take something. This counselor has been saying all along that I have good reason to feel the way i do and he has even told this to my husband. Now my husband and he are telling me that I have a problem and I'm moody.
After my hysterectomy, I felt soooo much better mentally. Even my husband said I'm on a more even keel now since the hysterectomy. Now he's saying I'm moody. I honestly don't feel that I am moody, I feel down and depressed because I'm in a marriage that I don't feel is what it should be. I have no trust in my marriage....if you don't have trust, how can you have love?
Is this my hormones....or my marriage? Should I stay and wait until he screws up again? or should I just cut my loses and walk now? I just don't know what to do.
Your are absolutely correct in following you doctors’ recommendations. The counselor is not qualified to give you any advice there. Your moodiness is likely a combination of hormones and unhappiness in the marriage. That you are happy when away from him points to that. If the marital situation ever does improve I’d guess your moodiness will level out some. Since you gave him one last chance I believe you owe it to him to follow through. Difficult as it is you did give him this opportunity and he is trying. Good luck to you both.
__________________
Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
I am am not in your situation so i can only voice an humble suggestion which is why havent you asked him to be tested for the drugs once a month maybe that will calm your ill feelings about the relationship.And at least you will know one thing and that is that he is being honest to you about not taking any drugs.
Only your doctor can advise re. the pros/cons of the hormones. In your shoes, I 'd probably go back to the medical doctor to "discuss it." Even if you have no intention of taking them. That way you can respond to the counselor and to your husband that you considered their suggestion seriously but that your doctor advises you not to take them.
As far as staying in the marriage...that is tough. I guess I'd want to try every avenue first, but I do think what you're feeling is normal. I have some trust issues with my husband on other issues and it makes it hard to have a good marriage. Even on unrelated issues, I always wonder when and if he is telling me the truth. The emotional damage isn't going to go away over night...even if the issues that caused the trust breach are resolved.
I try to ask myself---if I can imagine myself, maybe 5-10 years from now, in a place where I mostly trust him and our marriage is emotionally satisfying, then do I think it will have been worth it to stick it out? Or will I still wish I had made a new start with someone else or even alone?
My mom had to have a hystertecmy, we also have a line of breast cancer in our family, and she was told not to take the hormones. I'm glad because I'd rather have a slightly moody momma, then none at all. So kudo's to you for sticking to your guns on that. Do what your heart tells you to do, if you feel that you still want in this, and that you want to make it work, stay and try. But if in your heart you already feel that it is over you owe it to yourself and him not to prolong it. With me and my hubby, we've been together for 10 years and I can not see myself without him, I know that I want to make this work, so that is why I stay. But if you don't feel that, and don't think that your heart will heal and that you will not be in love with him ever again, I really think that you owe it to yourself and to him to talk, see where things stand and go from there. You deserve to be happy and healthy. Good luck and hope that things work out soon.
Thanks for the replys. To answer some of the things you all have so kindly said, let me say that I appreciate the concern and suggestions.
When I gave him the one last chance, I have to say that his addiction to pills has been going on now since 2003. He has been using/abusing vicodin, xanax, and soma's now since 2003. Last Christmas was the first Christmas he was straight or not going through some kind of withdrawal from the pills. In 2004 we were suppose to go to my grandparents (700 miles away from where we live) for Christmas. My grandfather was not in very good health and all of the famiily knew that this particular Christmas would probably be his last Christmas with us. It was. All and I mean all of my family from all over came that year for Christmas....all except me. We had plans to go and the night before we were to leave, my husband came home sick in withdrawals. I started out the next morning without him. I was following my parents in my own truck and about 75 miles up the road, we stopped at a rest area for a break. I was so upset because i knew my place was home with my dope sick husband. And..I told my mom I had to go home and be with him. She knew of his drug use and when I told her this, I busted out balling my eyes out. She hugged me and told me she understood and that whatever I needed to do, i should do. So i turned around and came home. When I got home I woke my husband up and told him I was home and he just said,"Oh" and he immediately went back to sleep. I missed the last Christmas with my grandfather. My husband has either been high or dope sick now for every Christmas and new years except this past one when my grandma came down (the wife of the grandpa whose last Christmas I missed). I told him that if he was high or dope sick this last Christmas while my grandma was here....he could leave and spend Christmas with his parents.
Over the past 5 years...I have given him chance after chance. I have told him that at some point if he didn't get clean and stay clean...there would come a time that i would eventually say enough is enough.
Fast forward to this last May. We had 2 graduations in May to go to. Both of which were his nieces. One in college and one in high school. The weekend after the one who graduated from high school, the first niece was getting married and he was an usher in the wedding. He was going to usher his sister down the aisle for her first daughter's wedding. Well....he was using at both graduations, and the night before the wedding, he was high. His son was here in town for the wedding and needless to say his family knows about his drug use. i didn't want to ruin his sisters daughters day by letting them all know he was high. But at the same time i didn't want him to ruin the wedding and fall on his face while walking his sister down the aisle. Well his son knew what was going on, and after the rehearsal dinner, i went to the Bachelorette party. his son was going to check his things to see if he had any more pills with him. Well his son felt real uncomfortable doing this so he first talked to his dad about it and asked him to tell him the truth and did he have any more pills. He lied to his son, but his son didn't beleive he was telling the truth so his son searched his briefcase and bingo...found a bunch of pills. His son was so upset he called me at the party. i went outside to talk to him and after I had been out there a while, his sister came outside to see what was going on. I told her. She wanted to talk to her brother and she was cying and begging him to not be high the day of the wedding. Well he wasn't because his son got all his stash. But his son was so upset and angered at his dad. he told me that he didn't want to be around his dad anymore.
Then 1 week after the wedding my brother was coming to town and he has a wife and 2 small boys. I was so afraid my husband would use while they were here. I told him that if my brother weren't coming to town from clear across the USA....i would divorce him then. But I didn't want to be in the middle of splitting things up and a divorce when my brother was here, so i was going to give him one more chance and it was only because my family would all be in town for a family reunion. So he better clean up his act. That is why I gave him one last chance....I just didn't want to put my family through our break up. I just didn't want to deal with it. I had been stressed enough because of the graduations and weddings. needless to say, he's been clean since June 6th. But my giving him this last chance is one of about 200 last chances in the last 5 years. But....I do agree, I did promise to give him one more chance and if I go back on my word...then I'm lying just like has been doing.
As far as him taking a drug test every month....I've done one better. He's been getting tested twice a week....but he had figured out that he could get tested, use for a day or two and then drink alot of water....and he would somehow pass the drug tests. Even his counselor was surprised at that one. you see he gets tested once a week at the counselors office and then the counselor emails me with the results. Then in the middle of the week, we were testing him at home. the only thing I can think of is that the tests we're using during the middle of the week , he brings home from the counselor. maybe he's been doctoring the tests before he gets them home. I dont know...but I've tried the tests and he figured a way to get around them. So I have no idea when he's telling me the truth or using. Even the drugs tests aren't proof enough....ugh.
I've thought so many times about leaving him. We;ve been married 15 years now and the day after Christmas (our anniversary) we'll be married 16 years. When we first got married, he had a drinking problem of which I didn't know how much he drank. But only because when we dated we only saw each other on the weekends. We lived 200 miles apart. At one point in our dating relationship, I asked him if he drank every night. he said no and stupid me I believed him. So needless to say the first 7 to 8 years of our marriage was lousy because of his drinking. But after we saw a counselor, he quit drinking. Then a little over a year or so, he found a new love....pills. And oh man...what I would'nt give to let him go back to drinking if he would stop using the pills. The pills are better in his eyes...he can do them during the week, the weekend....anytime he wants. Believe me i've asked myself where will we be when we are old enough to retire...I honestly don't know. I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again. Because addiction...is something that he will always have. He will always be an addict and at any given point in time, he can always pick up again and start using. So that scares me to death....I think that things could be good for a couple of years and then he could screw up again.
As far as my hormones go and taking hormones of any kind, I've already had my doctors at MD Anderson Cancer Center tell me to never take them because of the breast cancer in my family and because I'm already being watched closely because of the biopsy's they done. I have a titanium chip in my left breast, it is what they call a "marker." They put it there because they're concerned with this area and they want to be able to see it on my mamograms. the chip marks the areas and so they know immediately to look closer at those areas. I'm already a high risk and taking hormones would put me at an even higher risk. So that's why I won't take them. So in my viewpoint, I've already had doctors tell me to not take hormones and even the all natural ones because whether they're prescription hormones or all natural ones, they're still hormones that can be there for cancer to feed on. They just don't want me to have anything that would give the cancer something to feed on and grow into something serious.
there are days that my heart tells me to leave and then there are days my heart tells me to stay. But there are more days that my heart says leave. it use to just be my head telling me to leave....but now I've lost so many feelings of love and I have no idea where to find them. I am open to counseling for our marriage, I am open to working on things with him. But before I can completely feel good about working on this marriage, I have to first have trust in him. And the trust i once had, he had destroyed with all his lies. I'm not sure he even knows how to tell the truth. I just dont' know what to do or where to go. there are times I want to be around him, but those times are fewer now. Back in 2005, I actually left him for 2 weeks to figure out things. I told him I needed to leave and find out if I missed him and if i missed him, I needed to be gone long enough to where I couldn't stand being away from him any longer. it only took me 2 weeks and then I was ready to come home. he had promised me while I was gone that he was clean. he met me in Branson Missouri and we had a wonderful time together. I thougt he had finally gotten his crap together and when I got back home...it was one week after I got home that I found out he had lied to me and he was using while I was gone.
There is so many more things I could tell you all, so many stories of lied and deciept on his part...It would probably take me weeks to tell it all. I won't bore you anymore with all of it...LOL...I just need to figure out I guess what I'm going to do and how I'm going to do it. If anyone has any more suggestions....I open to almost anything....I don't believe in divorce, but I also don't believe in being miserable. Luckily we don't have any children of our own...that would be so much worse.
I realy dont know how to say this but if he is realy willing to work on his habit/addiction and change himself for you would you see it?
an addiction is a hard thing to kick but it can be done..
the resone i say that is cause me and my wife are in the same boat as you 2 are but my addiction was porn and i can tell you right now if he has admited his problem then maybe he will be able to kick it. and it seems that my wife feels the same as you she is unsure weather to try or not but i am putting fourth the effort to try that she has shown me for so long and hopeing that she will see that i can change and invite me back in.
so you mite just need some time apart and see what happens.
and so you can see the big picture about what has been going around you..
another thing is has he cleared his mind to you or sat down with you and told you all the things hes done i know you probly dont want to here alot of it but if he can do that and from then on not lie to you any more. it would make it easyer for both of you..
I called my wife for coffee the other morning and we sat and talk then we whent to a park where i told her about every thing that ive done in my past and are past together and that was the milstone in me getting help for my problems and i feel better about my self because i know that was honest with my wife..
and it mite not be easy for him to do but if he realy wants to work things out this is the one thing that will make him or break him.... and i have to admit it was the harderest thing that Ive ever done but in the end i know that i have a duty to be honest to my wife and my self and you can not be honest to youself untill you are honest with those who care for you..and trust me when i tell you that what he is going to tell you will hurt and you probly dont want to here it but this one thing that he needs to do to kick his addiction.. if he wount do this then he will not be able to change or kick his addiction.
The problem is not the addiction ... I think you feel that "you did not expect him to be this way" ...
OK. now you was clear with him about the history of the breast cancer in your family... and he did not tell you about his addiction because he thought that u will not marry him .
you just need to tell him "you can not live with addict person .." and explain to him ..WHY ?
1- Ur expectation was wrong.
2- he will kill him self
3- your child will born in bad environment and you will not be able to take care of the child
4- addiction is dangerous disease more than cancer even... because it is ur choice and not ur fate.
5- tell him "I want u to be the most beutiful and strong husband" in all ur life aspects.
this type of discussion is very important ... probably he knew these facts by his unconscious mind ... but his real mind is absent.
this type of "EXPECTATION TALK" .. will trigger him to change or be quicker in the change.
about you are "moody".. I'm sure not. since you have a big shock and it seems to me you are ideal person who like the energetic life and you want ur husband but without his addiction ...you are very shocked by the "dream" ... that is not "my dream" ... well .. this is the life ..If you so brave ..you can change your partner and stay near to him to leave the addiction.. do not be desperate ..
Love is not just words .. it is an action ... so ..where is ur love ?
if he loves you ... he will try to change ... but you must change your attitude to him...
praise him about good things you share together... and plan for ur future .. let him write the dreams you like to reach together ... he might write "NO ADDICTION" ...HELP HIM to write it if he can not.
also hang this sheet in ur bedroom and in the kitchen ...so he can keep it in mind...
make him to feel love with you ...hug him ... kiss him ... praise him with a shower of nice words ... send him a letter of appreciation of his cooperartion with you.
Thanks Kaine and nidal. Kaine, you're right it's not the addiction that is the problem. It's all that goes with the addiction...ie..lies, deceit, and sneaking around doing things behind my back that basically effect me as well as him. I've talked to him many times and told him I would support him and be there for him/with him as long as he's making an effort to stay clean. For me now, it's just that I see him trying right now, but he's tried before..many times before. So in my mind, I honestly don't know if this is just like all the other times or if this time will be the one where he wins the battle over addiction. But how many times or chances should I give him?
nidal....I've told him over and over that I loved him and that he is the most wonderful man when he's sober. I've told him he's perfect when he's sober. Even his counselor asked him if he is happy with me and does he do the drugs so that i will walk away and out of his life. My husband told the counselor that I'm a perfect wife and that he loves me more than anything or anyone in his life and that he couldn't live without me. the counselor told me that he thought maybe my husband wanted a way out of the marriage but after talking to my husband, he just doesn't understand why he keeps using drugs when he (my husband) knows he could lose me. None of us get it....even his own family has told him to do what he has to do and get and stay clean. His father told him, "Whatever you do, don't lose that girl." His own son told him that if he continues to use, then he will walk out of his life and never speak to him again. His son lives along ways away from us and he calls me all the time to see how I am doing. His sister told me that if i have to ever leave him and need a place to stay, I can go live with them.
We've all had talks with him and we've all told him we would support him, but he's got to at least make an effort. Well when he first stops using, he will work really hard on the program, and do exactly what he's suppose to do. But then after about 2 or 3 weeks, he quits working so hard on the program. Right now he's been clean for about 5 weeks, and he's slacking off in the program. he's suppose to do something every day for at least an hour on his addiction, but he doesn't do anything except go see the counselor now on the weekends. Through the week, he's doing nothing, which leads me to believe he's headed for another slip up.
I know addicts (of any kind, whether it be drugs, alcohol, porn, whatever the addiction) need support from the ones who love them. They need to know that we love them and will be there for them. However; my question is this: How many times do you allow them to screw up and fall off the wagon before you finally say...enough is enough? You see....I'm almost at the point to where I feel enough is enough. And it hurts me and I hate that I feel this way, but he's caused me to feel this way by his actions, by his lies and deciept. So how much more do I have to take, how much more should I take?
It is difficult to answer ur question how many times ... as much as u can .. as much u love him..I know one actress , she spent all her money to recover her husband from addiction (he was also actor )..
and in the end they got divorced ... she love him and he love her ... but the romantic love was destroyed by the addiction and its consequences .
Love is four letter word spelled T...I....M....E
Love is far more than strong emotions, roses and sexual desire.
Love is actions (+) and altruism (++) ...but the hard question which many people failed to answer... is..
"Whom really deserve this love.." ?????????????
is he the person we just fall in love with (Romantic)...
or may be a normal guy we do not know yet ... that guy (respect us and appreciate us (+) and sacrifice for us(++) )!!!
Since you r realistic (now) ...(because before marriage you did not look really about the truth .. or u might find some things u do not like... but u said ..it is not big deal .. and now it became a very big deal ...like if he was cheating before marriage ... or u noticed his absence ..or his mood was sometimes strange )..
any how .. it is late now to look back .. but if you sure you love him and you can support him ..please try to help him ...I guess he has a genuine problem which u do not know ... may be his son or his sister know ...that problem leaded him to the addiction court .. this problem may be regarding his early childhood days ...or may be regarding his ex-wife or some thing else... sometimes this people (addicts) use the addiction as an escape (let go) from their deep real problems which the people around them do not realize..
Continue....
He is older than u ? and he has son ? and his family against him ? all this signs that he is careless since it was long experience with addiction... and you want him to leave it like nothing... it is difficult..
u see, ur family has breast cancer history .. but he did not object u and ask you to change ur family history .. (simply u can not)...also for him (he can not as easy as u imagine)...
u need a very hard work and encouragement.. I do not know if there is special programs that can treat him continuously (in hospital) until he become a normal person. that will take a year or more by guess ...
SOME TIMES WE NEED OTHERS TO CHANGE ... BUT ACTUALLY WE NEED TO LOOK FROM THEIR POINT OF VIEW ..
may be he cheated u because he is afraid to loose u ?
may be bacause he is addict ?
may be because he want to show you that he is competent ?
so ...
try to be positive little bit.
wish u the best
nidal
nidal, some people can spend a lifetime waiting for someone to change. Like the actress you mentioned...she waisted all her time and engery and still she ended up getting a divorce. That's okay as long as she is willing to do that.
My breast cancer history? It doesn't affect how I treat my husband, or our finances, or whether I tell him the truth. That is something I cannot control. His addiction, IS something that ONLY HE can control. So comparing my breast cancer history to his addiction isn't anything alike.
Love isn't T I M E....Love is being honest and being able to completely trust the one you love. If you have not trust, you have nothing. Sure it takes time to make some things work, but I could spend the rest of what "time" I have left and it doesn't matter because addiction doesn't give into time...Addiction controls everything in it's path and only the addict can fix it. I've stood by my husband for 15 years, first with alcohol and now the drugs. I think I've definately given him "time" to over come his addiction or desire to get high and in a different frame of mind.
When we got married, I had absolutely no idea he was an alcoholic. I had no idea he drank like a fish, but once we got married, his own family told me about his drinking. So no, i didn't just accept something because I was blindly in love with him. He lied, conned, mislead me when we dated. He didn't drink when he was around me (which was only on the weekend because we lived 200 miles apart and only saw each other on the weekend).
Yes, there are addicts that do make it. yes there are programs out there to help addicts over come their addictions. But the key here is the addict has to WANT it bad enough. And so far my husband hasn't wanted it bad enough to work a program and stay with the program. He works at it for about 2 weeks and then slacks off and starts thinking he's got it licked when in fact, he doesn't.
For what it's worth...his first wife divorced him because of his drinking. I figured this out about 5 years into our marriage. his son was only 2 years old when she divorced him. His family knows he has a problem and yes he admitts he has a problem, but until HE can and is willing to do something about it and stick with it...my hands are tied.
Do I love him? I love him, but I also love myself too and in order for me to be the best person i can be, I have to now take control of me and do whatever will make me happy because obviously he can't seem to make me happy anymore.
But thanks for your comments...it does give me something to think about...actually it kinda makes me want to walk away even more.
Is it my hormones or my marriage?
