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Am I a complete Jerk?

6K views 89 replies 25 participants last post by  DoF 
#1 ·
No one ever listens to me. Well, rarely. When its important, people make sure not to listen to me.

Its rather frustrating, to the point that I typically will offer NO help to anyone beyond my advice if they haven't taken it. Which to me is perfectly acceptable, but other people dont seem to like it.

Example: You and I are walking down the street. Suddenly, you're like "Hey, you wanna see me doing cartwheels in the middle of the road?"

I'll say "No, no do not do cartwheels in the road. Its a bad idea."

At which point, you shrug your shoulders, and proceed to cartwheel right into the road...and get run over by a car.

Guess who isn't A) Calling 911 and B) sticking around to wait for you.

Is that so terrible of me?
 
#2 ·
I don't think so.
A lot of times people expect an agreeable answer, so that when the bus comes and runs them over, they have someone to blame other than themselves.
By telling the truth you are exposing them to their own stupidity.
That's why they don't like it.
You can just say your only advice is for them not to ask you for your advice. And leave it at that.
My foster father once told me that I was irritating because I was always right. Too funny, but it's true. I like to let people make their own mistakes now. I even ignore my own advice every once in a while, just to prove my point to myself. It's fun to dodge the bus once or twice a year. ;-) Once you realize how fun it is, you will rethink the advice you give. You might say something like, well, you have to consider the fun vs. the risk. If you think the fun of doing the cartwheels is worth the risk of getting hit by the bus, go for it. Afterwards, be sure to chime in with special effects and details when they tell the story to anyone else.
 
#3 ·
You can't expect people to always do things the way you feel they should do them.People have to learn by making their own choices.Part of being a good friend and a good partner is doing your best to guide them but not abandoning them just bc they wanted to go their own way.
You can still be there for them and give support.

Imagine if parents just started abandoning their kids bc the kids wouldn't listen to them about life advice? What a wreck that would be!
 
#4 ·
Most people know what has to be done, it's the doing part that's hard.

No need to state the obvious.

Remember, it's WAY more important to be NICE than it is to be right.

Don't worry about things you can't control.Focus on yourself OP, don't worry too much about others.
 
#6 ·
Life in general.

Im not saying I ALWAYS abandon people, and it doesn't necessarily apply to kids, but a lot of times, yeah. I told you not to do that, and no, you have no obligation to do things my way. but I have no obligation to help you either. I DID help. Me saying "don't do that" was your help.

I dont even mean big life changing decisions. Just stupid little things. like "Hey, you shouldn't lay in bed all day or you'll get super depressed."

Then they lay in bed till noon, and get up, and are like "oh I'm so depressed now cuz I laid in bed all day."

"Oh wow if only someone had suggested you not do that."

<SMH>
 
#7 · (Edited)
yup,that kind of stuff is super frustrating.It's a big reason why I've become hands off with my approach for most people.The only ones who will heed good advice are the ones who aren't interested in always being a victim.
eta you can still be there for them and have a healthy relationship without giving advice and frustrating yourself.
 
#9 ·
So, in other words, you only assist people who live by YOUR rules/guidelines/advice. You do not believe that it's ok for them to learn from making their own mistakes.

Yep, that's pretty jerkish.

I mean, I get it... I get frustrated at how many people ask me for advice (either on love life or marketing topics), and proceed to completely ignore what I have to say! I went the opposite route and continued to offer answers to their questions until I recognized they were using a lot of my time that I couldn't gain back, and they had NOTHING to offer me in return! (The final straw for me was that I asked someone for a $20 donation for a fundraiser after she'd taken up well over 2 hours of my time getting tips for improving her business - and not using any of them but wasting $3k on something I told her would NOT work, and didn't!)

The flip side, though, is that people value the relationships that make them feel like YOU value THEM. If you try to help by telling people what to do, and then being cold or unhelpful when they don't adopt what you want, then they perceive that you only care about yourself, not them. This harms the relationship, and isn't the relationship what is really important here?

My solution is to watch them ignore a few times, and then to say, "I'd rather not offer any suggestions, as I feel like it wastes my time and I am confident you'll make the best choice for yourself." In at least two cases (my own daughters) it has made a difference.
 
#11 ·
In my experience, this attitude is often accompanied by "I told you so" as a follow-up. No one likes to be told that.

That attitude often also appears in conjunction with the "Why ask my opinion if you aren't going to do what I say?!?!" line of thinking. This is the askee assuming that he or she is correct and that the asker is therefore wrong if they don't adhere to the "correct" thought. It's a source of anger and frustration for the askee, even when the asker is perfectly happy with the choice they made. Because the opinion giver has somehow assumed that being asked their opinion means that theirs is ever-after the only one that counts.

It may help you to consider your opinions in the line of a requested gift - something that is given, only when asked, with no strings attached and for the recipient to do with as they please. If they follow your suggestion and it turns out well, then fine. If they don't follow your suggestion and it turns out well, again fine. If they don't follow your suggestion and it does not turn out well, ask if there's anything you can do to help, but otherwise keep your mouth shut and carry on with your life.
 
#12 · (Edited)
Prime example this morning:

Our washer is broken. It works, but rather than the hose plugged into the back of the washer, we just drop it in the top and fill it up. Has to be this way until we fix it. The only downside is you have to watch it and pay attention because the water won't shut off by itself.

My wife and I have learned this the hard way. We've each flooded the laundry room and kitchen. Hence, the rule: Do laundy, STAY IN THE F***ING LAUNDRY ROOM UNTIL THE WASHER IS FULL.

Now, we have a temporary roommate. She's doing laundry. She's flooded it TWICE already. After the first time, I said calmly "Yeah, we've learned that the only way to do laundry is to stay in here and watch it."

The second time, I said calmly "Yeah, the only way to do laundry is to stay in here and watch it."

This morning the stupid ***** did it again. Guess who is NOT helping her clean up the massive flood in the kitchen and laundry room. And why should i? I Did my part, twice, by saying "Hey, don't do that."

And yeah, I have a very "I told you so" Attitude. It doesn't make me less right. I don't actually come out and say "I told you so." Usually it's some cleverly disguised comment like "Man, that sucks. I didn't know it does that. Someone should've warned us that the washer will overflow!" I say this in all seriousness, and wait for the realization to dawn on them.

And yeah, maybe it sucks. No one likes being told what to do. Hey, I dont like being told I can't drive drunk! I guess that makes it ok. No, it doesn't. I don't care what someone's reasons are for not listening. Pride? Don't like being told what to do? I have a snarky attitude? I'm not the boss of you? So? It still doesn't make me any less right. Like, don't leave the effing washer alone. It doesn't matter how I said it. I said it, I told you, you heard me, you speak my language and you don't have a mental disability. And time has proven me to be a most reliable giver of advice and instruction.
 
#13 · (Edited)
First off, you need to be a MAN and fix the darn washer. If not, at least higher someone to fix it for you. I always take the first route.....

It's your responsibility as a husband AND especially as a LANDLORD.

You can't expect your wife or roommate to be perfect and this is a DAMAGE/SAFETY issue.

FIX IT. Assuming you don't have one of those "front loader" washers (overly complex POS I call them)......I can take apart ENTIRE washer in under 5 min! Parts are cheap as technology has been around for 30+ years. PS. I would never EVER recommend front loaders for DIY people. Those things are like German cars, overly expensive and complicated for no apparent reason.

So yeah, fix it, It's what your wife and room mate probably expect anyways.

;)

As for the subject at hand OP. Treat people EXACTLY the way you would like to be treated.

Again, it's WAY more important to be nice than it is to be right. Remember that.
 
#14 ·
Let's see... If I had a guest in my house, and there was hoops they had to jump through to do something that works fine in every other house, then yes, I guess I probably would feel obligated to help them clean up the mess. If it was a temporary paying tenant, then I would still feel obligated to help clean up, since a fully functioning washing machine would be expected.

Oh, and if it was my wife's houseguest and she wasn't home when the mess happened, I'd still help clean up, but my wife would hear some complaints after.

C
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#15 ·
Or....people can just do what they're told...lol....again...I fulfilled my obligation by saying "don't do that." It's not "hoops" someone has to jump thru. it's one minor thing. and its not functional to the house and as a landlord (not really landlord, but still) I have no obligation to fix it! It works fine. Just a little tweak to the functionality is necessary.

Edit: To clarify, fixing it would do no good. It's an issue with our water.


Again, when do I ever get to ever to be like that? Break the rules, ignore people, do things I know i'm not supposed to, and blame it on someone else?

And this is exactly how I expect other people to treat me. I'm not an idiot. My kid has this toy I play with sometimes: It's like a yoyo, but instead of the string thing, its on a long stretchy cord and you throw it and it comes back to you. Its fun lol...anyway, i miss a lot and either hit myself or break something. The wife has warned me about this, and guess what? It's my own damn fault. If I break something I clean it up. If I hit myself in the nuts with it, I dont go crying to everyone else. I clean it up myself, and I don't complain. Why? because they friggin told me so!
 
#16 ·
Or....people can just do what they're told...lol....again...I fulfilled my obligation by saying "don't do that." It's not "hoops" someone has to jump thru. it's one minor thing. and its not functional to the house and as a landlord (not really landlord, but still) I have no obligation to fix it! It works fine. Just a little tweak to the functionality is necessary.

Edit: To clarify, fixing it would do no good. It's an issue with our water.
If it worked fine, you wouldn't need to monitor it so it doesn't flood. Also, calling BS on it being an issue with your water. That's not how washing machines work. It absolutely is "jumping through hoops" to have to stand in front of a washing machine, judge when the water needs to shut off and doing that manually. The whole point of a washing machine is that you put your clothes and detergent in there, turn it on and then walk away and get other stuff done while it's doing the work. Might as well wash things by hand if you have to stand over it the whole time to figure out when to add water.

It's interesting that you get bent out of shape when other people don't take your advice to fix things but here you are not taking advice to just fix the damn washer so that it won't flood again. I guess that means the next time it floods we can all say you were told that if you fix it it won't flood again, so you have to clean it up and no more complaining about it?


Again, when do I ever get to ever to be like that? Break the rules, ignore people, do things I know i'm not supposed to, and blame it on someone else?
You're doing it right now.

Fix the damn washing machine.

And this is exactly how I expect other people to treat me. I'm not an idiot. My kid has this toy I play with sometimes: It's like a yoyo, but instead of the string thing, its on a long stretchy cord and you throw it and it comes back to you. Its fun lol...anyway, i miss a lot and either hit myself or break something. The wife has warned me about this, and guess what? It's my own damn fault. If I break something I clean it up. If I hit myself in the nuts with it, I dont go crying to everyone else. I clean it up myself, and I don't complain. Why? because they friggin told me so!

Oh, yeah, except for the part about you refusing to fix the washing machine and then complaining when it floods.

To answer your OP question: Yes, you are kind of a jerk.
 
#19 ·
What if I was on here complaining about how the people's house i live in rent free becfause I'm a recovering junkie doesn't have a perfect washing machine that's up to my standards and I constantly ignored their rules and ruined the floor in their kitchen.

What if I was like "I got arrested for operating after suspension. They only warned my 5 times! But I dont like being told what to do....they should be nice instead of right!"

Be a whole different tune.
 
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#24 ·
I just don't see myself as a jerk. This is the attitude people take with me ALL THE TIME. People always take a "my way or the highway" attitude with me but the second I cop one of my own, suddenly I'm the bad guy. I don't get it.

Sure, you guys told me to fix the washer. But you're not here and no one is forcing you to deal with the problem. Reading and replying to my posts doesn't count, you choose to do that. I'm not asking y'all to come down here and wipe up the flooded kitchen.
 
#23 ·
Dude, you have a chip on your shoulder and a need to be validated by other people accepting your opinion as law. Your insecurity comes through loud enough in your posts here, so I'm sure it would in-person, too. That will undermine your authority and make people less likely to take your advice. It seems like you want to have authority over people, rather than just help them. If people have to accept that you are somehow superior to them just because they took your advice, no one with a healthy attitude to life is gonna listen to a word of it.

You're shooting yourself in the foot and then celebrating the pain. Have fun with that.

Or you could lighten up and care more for the person than for how your advice is received. Stop being so afraid of rejection. Like yourself more. Just my advice. ;)
 
#25 ·
Oh dear I've misrepresented myself. I'm sorry but you've got it all wrong. It's nothing rto do with a chip on my shoulder or authority or anything.

It comes down, honestly, to just being inconvenienced. When its totally avoidable. By just listening to me and taking my advice. You get pissy when you have to clean up other people's mess when they made the mess just to spite you. I get tired of it.
 
#28 ·
Simply tell your house guest that since they can't get the hang of the washer that they will need to go to the laundromat. They can always move out.

Hosts are under no responsibility to make sure everything they own works perfectly for the enjoyment of guests. If guests can't respect their hosts property, the guests can go to a hotel.
 
#30 ·
I would clean up.the washer mess simply so my house isn't ruined. But I agree with goldilocks tell her she will need to go to the laundermat cause she can't get the hang of it.

I think your my way or the highway attitude is jerky even if I warned them I would always call an ambulance. But I also don't think that people you are helping out can't listen to how things work and follow them, even if they are unconventional. It is not being a jerk for expecting them to follow the way the household runs. Growing up we had lots of people we helped out and they were expected to respect and follow the household rules. Not expecting that is not doing them any favors. If she says I'm sorry I'd chock it up to her forgetting. If she acts like its our fault I'd figure she didn't even try and doesn't even care.
 
#31 ·
I dunno, man. If everyone tells you you're a jerk, and you're the only one who doesn't see yourself as one, perhaps you need to reconsider your opinion? We're just anonymous people on the internet, going by what you say in here, and have no stake in whether you're a jerk or not in real life. So our opinion (however unanimous it appears) really doesn't count for much. Not really sure why you're asking if you don't want to consider other ideas anyways... To me, that's the real jerk attitude. Self-centered, "I'm always right, everyone else is wrong"...

C
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#34 ·
I think interactions should ALWAYS be tempered with compassion. You told someone don't play in the street. They get seriously injured. the RIGHT thing to do would be to call the ambulance, and stay with them. Afterwards you can follow up with a "what have we learned" though nobody likes their mistakes rubbed in their face.

I think you lack EMPATHY. To see someone struggling and to not feel anything beyond your misplaced sense of superiority.

Having to be "right" all the time, only leads to conflict. It causes the other party to feel hurt and resentful of your attitude (not your KNOWLEDGE!!!). If I told my husband to turn left at the next light to get to our destination, but instead he turned right and we got lost. What is the point of shoving that in his face? There is none. Besides trying to feel superior and a know-it-all. Instead, I would say "whoops! I think if we did a u-turn at this light, we'll be back on our way." Now no one feels like an idiot. And everything is still functioning and flowing.

There have been SO MANY things that both my husband and I have done against better judgement. And sometimes it results in undesired results, but we're in-for-a-penny-in-for-a-pound. So when I knock a glass off the table and spill it everywhere or my husband starts roughhousing with the dog and gets kicked in the nuts, there is plenty of sympathy and help to go around.
 
#39 ·
The fact you answer a question means you aren't a jerk.

The fact you stayed around AFTER the person hurt themselves means either a) you have a conscience or b) are a sap.

That the didn't listen to sensible advice makes them a fool...which is worse than a jerk, but about the same level as a sap.
 
#44 ·
So far this is what I've gleaned from the thread....

There's me. I tell other people the right thing to do. They do not listen. They **** up, because what I said will happen actually happens. But I am a jerk, and they have no obligation to listen to me.

The people I'm telling what to do are innocent victims of my vast narcissism. They shouldn't have to live their lives the way I say, and I should be just as willing to help!

Then there's other people, telling me to fix the washer. Somehow, while no one has to listen to me, I have to listen to them, or I'm a jerk. Or something.

That's what I see so far.

for further explanation: Our well is contaminated with some kind of sulfur thing. The water is fine, but it smells like rotten eggs. It's also faintly black, if you fill a white bowl or something. We use it for dishes, laundry, and stuff. But we don't drink it. anyway, this sediment in the water gummed up the water flow thingie in the washer. Why don't I fix it? I dunno. Because its my washer and I don't have to? Or I just don't feel like it? Or I suck with tools? I dunno. Doesn't matter. It's mine.

Filter: We COULD filter the water. And have jack for water pressure. I dont know why, but put the filter in, and you're showering with a trickle.

Yes we rinse the laundry as well . i didn't think I had to specifically mention that. Guess what, we also have to actually LIFT THE LID before we put stuff in.

And it doesn't take 30 minutes of standing there to do laundry.

This is how I do it: Take wet clothes out. Put in dryer. Put water in. While its filling, I'm putting clothes in. If it's still filling, I fold the clothes from the dryer. Not a wasted millisecond.

Go do something else. Rinse cycle!

Fill washer with water. Fold more clothes while its filling. Or, cigarette break!*

Of course, for people trying to make the point that I'[m a jerk, they'll overblow that and act like I'm making someone "jump thru hoops" or something.

And no there's nothing wrong with me for letting a recovering drug addict live in my house. She's my wife's friend. She's earning her keep. She's clean so far and regularly attending AA meetings. So piss off, whoever said that.
 
#46 ·
Our well is contaminated with some kind of sulfur thing. The water is fine, but it smells like rotten eggs. It's also faintly black, if you fill a white bowl or something. We use it for dishes, laundry, and stuff. But we don't drink it. anyway, this sediment in the water gummed up the water flow thingie in the washer. Why don't I fix it? I dunno. Because its my washer and I don't have to? Or I just don't feel like it? Or I suck with tools? I dunno. Doesn't matter. It's mine.
Uh, you are married, correct? You expect your WIFE to use the washer, correct? So it's your washer yet you expect your wife to stand by the "fuxxing" washer to bail the water out because you're above doing the right thing and making things easy for your wife so she can do YOUR LAUNDRY?

Classy.
 
#48 ·
Are you a jerk?

Surely your wife is not happy about the situation with the washer and she wants it fixed and this has been a topic of conversation many times. It's inconvenient, it's stressful, and it leads to property damage when someone invariably screws up with turning off the hose which is, let's face it, not a typical scenario in the average household. More like something you'd find in a poverty stricken slum.

You have decided for your own reasons that you are not going to fix the washer (even though you can), and you are not taking your wife's feelings or considerations into account and that makes you a jerk.

I wish all questions were as easy as this one.
 
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