This may get kind of long. So please bare with me. I'm 27 years old, my hubby is 32. We've been together for 10 years this September, and married for 8 of those. As with alot of relationships I'm sure, things have changed so much since we were first together. I still love him with all my heart and soul. I've been faithful to him and he to me as well. He has a bad, bad temper, he's never been physically abusive, but what I believe to be verbal abuse. Not as bad as other's I'm sure, but enough that it makes me a nervous wreck. He sais that it's me, that it's my fault that I can't handle arguing, I should be able to control my nerves and emotions. He can't stand it if I cry when we argue, most of the time I try not to cry, but I can't help it sometimes. I don't know what to do. I feel like I should not be complaining. I know that there are alot of worse situations that I could be in. I mean, he is a good man, he's just a butthole. He also sais that I would never find someone like him who doesn't do drugs, doesn't cheat, goes to work every day and be nice. The love is not a problem, I know he loves me and I love him. I have tried and tried and tried to talk to him about how his anger, the way he talks to me, the way he yells that I wish he would stop, try to change etc. But he refuses to even think that he has anger problems. I know that every couple argues, that is not the problem, I can argue and discuss things as long as he wants, it's when he starts yelling and screaming at me that my nerves go wacko and I just can't deal with that anymore. The names he calls me, is not what you would think, it's not bi***, or sl**, or wh***, or anything like that, but it is equally as demeaning. It's like dumb fu****, fu***** moron, things like that, and always with that F word. He does not think there is anything wrong with calling names, arguing, yelling and screaming does not bother him. Yet if I try to make my point, when he's done yelling, about whatever stupid thing we are arguing over, then it's shut the F up, I don't want to argue. So he's always getting it out of his system, and mine keeps building up. There are other issues, but this is the main one. I know the easy thing would be to say that if your not happy just get a divorce. I don't want to do that, he is a good hard working man. I just want him not to be so angry, and scream and yell and call me names all the time. I know that there is no easy answer, I guess mainly I was looking for a place to get this out. Thanks for listening and any advice would be apprecaited.
This is verbal abuse, plain and simple. It is demeaning to you and is hurting you emotionally. He doesn’t communicate well and when you keep your composer he tells you to STFU and ends the argument. This is a sign that he is a controlling personality. If he can’t win the argument or sees that he is wrong he ends it with profanity and insults. Have you tried to communicate with him in writing? An email to explain how much this hurts you? Sometimes that can lead to a calmer exchange and you both have a chance to think about your response before blurting something out. If you can do that explain to him how this hurts you. Reinforce the things you love about him but that this hurts. If he can be empathetic to you maybe he will be more willing to discuss things in a rational manner. You are right this is a tough situation. Trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t do it well is always a challenge.
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Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
I don't think it's you at all. I am the same way and I think for me it had a lot to do with how I was raised. My parents didn't yell or call each other names so I am uncomfortable around people that are like that. Maybe it's all he knows and really does think it's normal, but to totally discount your feelings isn't helping.
The only person I can think of that has spoken to me that way is my eldest son (he's 18) and I've tried lowering my voice almost to a whisper when he's like this. I've also tried just saying "I won't be spoken to that way. When you calm down and can talk in a reasonable manner, we can talk about this"
It really came down to how I reacted to him. Even if what he was yelling about seemed totally irrational to me and I could tell him why, I realized that would just continue his rant because he wasn't in a place to listen to anything I had to say anyway. I just stopped responding. At first he yelled about that..."ANSWER ME ANSWER ME...blah blah" but I stuck to my guns and it did help. When he was calm (usually a few hours later) I dreaded even bringing it back up but asked if he wanted to talk and for the most part he could stay calm and talk at that point.
To me name-calling even in an agument shows lack of love and respect. I'm guessing to your husband it's just venting and to him doesn't mean anything, but it's a shame he doesn't take how you feel into account.
Thank you for your responses. I felt that even writing this sounded so small compaired to some of the things I've read on here. But I know that I've never been talked to or yelled at by anyone like this except for him. I do know that he grew up around violence, mainly from his stepdad. They were a very poor family, and he moved completely out of state to try and get a good job, there were none where he was living. So I know he tries very hard to come up in life, and trying to create a good home for us, his family. It's just that he is so angry, and I used to be able to handle it better I think, then I do now. I don't have very good nerves, thanks to my own family problems from when I was younger, but I have anxiety attacks fairly easy when i get really stressed out, and I just don't want to be in that position anymore where I have to be worried all the time about striking up an argument. I don't like to even bring up issues anymore because I know he thinks that I'm just nagging and trying to get him to change, he just doesn't get that is what I'm feeling and that I'm trying to talk to him about them, not nag him to death. Thanks for all the suggestions, I am so glad that I found this board
I would suggest that every time he starts getting verbally abusive you simply, and calmly tell him his behavior is abusive and if he doesnt stop you are going to a family or friends house (or hotel) until he can talk to you appropriately. Or hang up if its over the phone.
Also try to have as many of your discussions in public as possible. Starbucks or a bookstore are good places. I would avoid any private discussions for awhile.
Is it really me?
