sunshine31

...to myself behind his back. I find myself extremely annoyed with my husband and calling him names behind his back, but only to myself and the dogs. The way he speaks to me is so frustrating and I am really resenting it and feel like it's pushing my feelings for him into the dirt. He calls on the phone with questions and when I don't have an answer to help him or I don't tell him enough of what he wants to hear he gets pissed and yells at me or tells me how annoying I am for not doing this or that.
I'm really a total wimp when it comes to confrontation so I feel like saying those things to myself is a way to get my frustration out. But I also feel like i'm just being a doormat because he gets to speak to me however he likes, but if I raise my voice ever at him then i immediately "do it all the time" or "am just like him". I don't want to make arguments worse so I spend my time calming him while he is mad and then get pissed when it is all over and i'm by myself. I've never said a hurtful thing to him and I don't ever want to...but frankly, lately i've been feeling like telling him that he's a piece of you know what for the way he talks to me and it makes me feel like I don't even love him anymore.
I know everyone gets mad in thier own way but i'm beginning to fear that my frustration that he doesn't see is going to kill any love i have for him in the long run.

Catherine602

I think you need to tell him how you feel. Let him know he is affecting your feelings for him. Give him fair warning that if he yells or calls you names ever again that you will shut the phone or turn and walk away. Tell him you will not put up with it. He would not talk to a stranger the way he speaks to you so you will not accept it.

It's called boundaries, people including spouses treat you the way you allow them. When he is disrespectful, walk away without saying a word. When he approaches you respectfully, then engage him. Be consistent and back down. He may not like it at first but he will get the message.

getting20

I think you should tell him the truth of what your feeling. Besides if his calling you names then there must be a deeper reason why is doing that and you need to find that out.

4sure

Tell him the truth. He may not be aware that the way he speaks to you bothers you. Speak up. Don't allow resentments to build without speaking out. If the person doesn't know then he/she can't correct the wrong.

DawnD

I think Catherine had it right on, tell him if he talks to you like that you will hang up or walk away. Every time. Be consistent. When he starts simply say " I won't do this, I am hanging up now. Call me when you can talk to me respectfully". Keep doing it over and over until he gets it.

Nekko

While i'm not going to rule in favor of "walk away" when someone's unreasonable, Cathrine does prove a strong point. Stand your ground, tell him what bothers you but in a mature and responsible manner. Remember that as rude as he is to you, your goal is not to hurt him and attack right back. That'll only make the conflict last longer.


Your goal is to make him understand that he'll not get a positive reaction if he treats you that way, or what he wants. He'll just get a person telling him that you might consider doing what he wants, or working on offering more only IF he learns how to ask for it in a mature, nice way and he accepts that you might not always want to give to him or answer any single question.

If the calling names is a good way for you to release some frustrations when you're on your own, you might as well continue doing it. It shows no harm at all and it's definately better than keeping them bottled up and repressing stuff.
Just my opinion Best of luck in figuring things out.

__________________
- When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another. -

Conrad

What really sucks is when the negative reaction is what your partner is actually seeking - perhaps only subconsciously.

getting20

yup that really sucks.

SimplyAmorous

and this IS what is going to happen if you do not stand up for yourself & let him know his behavior & belittling is NOT Ok with you. It always amazes me how Opposites attract. He accually NEEDS a woman like you to diffuse him many times, but he is going WAAYYYY overboard with you and you have been letting him do it !

I am the opposite of you and my husbaband is more like YOU. It works very well for us.

Not sure if you are into reading, I love to read & it helps me clarify soooo much in my life & relationships. This would be a GREAT book to start with:

Amazon.com: Boundaries in Marriage (9780310243144): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books


This book is the opposite of "How to hold onto your NUts" or "No More Mr Nice Guy" - for Men to take more control from Aggressive women, this IS the Woman's manual. I think this book would be very helpful to you. The title is a a little alarming --I guess Bit**es means >>> "Babes In Total Control of Herself"

Amazon.com: Why Men Love *****es: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship (9781580627566): Sherry Argov: Books: Reviews, Prices & more

AFEH

Sunshine it’s a boundary thing. You are demonstrating tolerance of your husband’s abusive behaviour when you are actually intolerant of it. By being tolerant you are enabling his abusive behaviour to continue!

When he has a blast at you state a boundary, something like “I will not tolerate you talking to me in that way”. Then either put the phone down or walk away. Every time he has a blast do the same thing. He will soon get the message. And if he loves you and has some wisdom he will change his behaviour.

Google boundaries, find articles or a book that appeals to you and learn about boundaries in a marriage. You could take a look at Boundaries for Men. Women buy the book as well.



I learnt about boundaries at work a long while back. I was driving into the office when my boss called. From out of nowhere he gave me a right blast over the phone. I told him something like “I’m putting the phone down, I’ll talk with you when you are in a better mood and respectful”. And I just put the phone down. I didn’t have a clue what to expect when I got to the office, even to the point of wondering if I still had a job. What did I get told? Bob you handled me and that situation perfectly. If I blast at you again just put the phone down. He never did blast at me again.

Bob