Help: Wife is accusing me of cheating, but I didn't
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Old 10-31-2010, 04:14 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Help: Wife is accusing me of cheating, but I didn't (UPDATED)

My wife and I have been married 5 years. There has been no infedelity in the marriage. I'm very much a home-body and rarely go out and hang out with friends (I do so maybe 5 or 6 times a year I'd say).

Last night I went out with 2 friends (both guys) for the first time in a long time. We went out bar hopping in SF to watch the ws game, and to help my friend sell these Giants t-shirts he had made.

I left the house around 2pm. We end up drinking at a bonfire, and I get home around 12 or 1am or so (I think, I was pretty drunk by the time I got home). Right when I get home I strip bare-ass naked and hop in bed with my wife. She immediately says I smell like soap, and says that I took a shower while I was out (which basically means she thinks I cheated). I deny this, and pass out.

When I wake up late the next morning, she is sleeping on the couch. Then she comes into the bedroom and asks me: "What are you still doing here?" and tells me to get out. I'm furious and completely lose my sh*t with her.

This is a recurring problem. She periodically accusses me of cheating. She has no reason to think I cheat on her. I've never been unfaithful, I don't flirt, I don't have female friends, and I rarely go out. But every now and then she accusses me of cheating, and she can't be reasoned with.

This just happened, and right now I'm at the public library typing this. I don't know what I should do. Should I leave? Should I go back home and try to talk to her? How should I handle this????

Thanks

Last edited by SeeThomasHowl; 11-03-2010 at 08:22 AM.
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Old 10-31-2010, 05:32 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help: Wife is accusing me of cheating, but I didn't

Obviously she has immature ways of dealing with her insecurities. Was she ok with you going out in the first place and knew that you'd be out late? She may just be angry because you stayed out longer than she thought you should and she built up scenarios in her head of you doing terrible things with other women. Sometimes we are good at over reacting =)

I would go back after you have cooled off and talk to her. Ask her why exactly she was so angry. Don't let her get away with random accusations. Ask for a direct reason for her anger. Then apologize for anything you may have done for causing insecurities like perhaps not checking in with her if she likes when you do that. Sometimes we need reassurance from our men when they go out with their buddies - we get insecure.

Also make sure you give her enough one on one time. I know that date nights with my husband as well as just hanging out nightly to watch tv really make me secure in our relationship.
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Old 10-31-2010, 05:37 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help: Wife is accusing me of cheating, but I didn't

Did she want to go with you to the World Series and figured you didn't take her because there was some strange awaiting you?

Not saying there was, just in the mind of your insecure wife.
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Old 10-31-2010, 05:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help: Wife is accusing me of cheating, but I didn't

1) I babysat her neice the night before last so that she and her sister could go to a Halloween party.

2) Yes I stayed out a bit longer than I planned, but I haven't went out with the boys in months, and I did talk to her on the phone while I was out.

3) Didn't go to the game, I live in SF and they played in TX last night, just went bar hopping during the game.

4) Talked to her on the phone a minute ago, and she said I should come home and pack my sh*t and leave. I did nothing to deserve this! wtf
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Old 10-31-2010, 06:02 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help: Wife is accusing me of cheating, but I didn't

Is it possible that she has some strange and doesn't want you around for halloween partying she has planned?

Or is this about boozing or something else?

Women, even the irrational ones usually don't go to the crazy shelf with no reason.

Something is up with her.
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Old 10-31-2010, 06:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help: Wife is accusing me of cheating, but I didn't

Does she have emotional issues? Depression? Not trying to be rude at all but she may need some meds. She is irrational. Unless there is a lot of things we don't know about this story it just doesn't make sense.

What would happen if you went and packed your stuff? Would she beg you to stay? I'm still thinking she needs a mood balancing pill.
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Old 10-31-2010, 06:34 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help: Wife is accusing me of cheating, but I didn't

Yeah I mean, she does have some emotional issues. Nothing diagnosed though. She would definitely not beg me to stay if I packed my stuff up. She's unbelieveably angry with me.

This has happened before. Out of nowhere her just accusing me of cheating. It's really damaging. She has this insecurity and paranoia that becomes like a third presence in the relationship. It really really sucks, because every time it happens it's a complete shock to me. I know I'm not cheating, yet suddenly she'll accuse me of it and then won't believe me when I deny it. There's nothing I can do, I can't prove a negative.

I dunno, I really dont know what to do.
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Old 10-31-2010, 06:58 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help: Wife is accusing me of cheating, but I didn't

It it possible she is cheating? Sometimes cheaters accuse their spouse of cheating as a defense. Even if it seems like she never would, she may have the next guy lined up. Do some investigation don't accuse don't let her know you suspect.
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Old 10-31-2010, 07:10 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help: Wife is accusing me of cheating, but I didn't

Well it's over. I'm packing my stuff and going to my parents' place. Wow, this is F-ing surreal. 5 years of marriage just... gone. She's my best friend. Or was I guess. Wow. It hasn't really hit me yet.

I spoke to her on the phone to let her know I was coming back to our apartment, and asked her if this is really happening... like, is she realy F-ing doing this, yah know? And she was like "Yeah, I never want to see you again." She left the house so she wouldn't be here when I got here. I'm now packing up.

Thanks everyone for all your advice. Too bad nothing could be done.

I honestly don't know what the next few days will bring, but the sad thing is, even if she eventually does understand that the truth is I've never been unfaithful to her, how could I ever forgive her for accusing me like this? And how could I ever be in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me even when they have no reason to suspect me of anything?

Ahh, I dunno. This is just so unbelievable.
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Old 10-31-2010, 07:36 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help: Wife is accusing me of cheating, but I didn't

Virtual hug. I'm so sorry...
Funny how a day can be so normal and then turn into a disaster. That's how I feel every time my husband breaks his promise to not smoke pot. I feel like it's a nightmare.
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Old 10-31-2010, 08:01 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help: Wife is accusing me of cheating, but I didn't

If you have shared assets in the bank, make sure they don't get squandered.

Cancel the credit cards that have your name on them.

Try to get your name off the apartment lease.

Get the phone records and get your name off all the utilities.

If she wants to play this game, protect yourself.

Offer to see a marriage counselor with her.

I have the feeling there is a lot of unspoken resentment in her, justified or not.

I also have the feeling there is the potential for someone in the wings.

A cheater accuses and picks fights to make their time for cheating easier.

This comment you made seems really interesting to me:

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeeThomasHowl View Post
1) I babysat her neice the night before last so that she and her sister could go to a Halloween party.
Of course, she could have emotional problems too.

Goes without saying that you need a lawyer.

Last edited by michzz; 10-31-2010 at 08:51 PM.
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Old 11-01-2010, 08:03 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help: Wife is accusing me of cheating, but I didn't

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602 View Post
It it possible she is cheating? Sometimes cheaters accuse their spouse of cheating as a defense. Even if it seems like she never would, she may have the next guy lined up. Do some investigation don't accuse don't let her know you suspect.
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This is the first thing that comes to my mind. When you've done nothing noticebly wrong and get accused of this. I immediately think she's trying to "flip the script" and accuse you of what she is doing. This is her own guilt coming out, if she wasn't guilty, she'd be keeping this on the hush, unless she just wants to be with this person as fast as possible and this the only way thought about doing it.

If she doesn't call you home in 2 days to say sorry and beg you back... its over, and just be glad you didn't waste 10 years.
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Old 11-01-2010, 08:28 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help: Wife is accusing me of cheating, but I didn't

It's possible that she is accusing you of cheating so that she can beat you to the punch, i.e., tell anyone who will listen about all of your "infidelity", then she can justify her actions, i.e., "He did it to me, so I can do it , too".
Did these accusations start recently, or has she always had issues like this?
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Old 11-01-2010, 09:12 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help: Wife is accusing me of cheating, but I didn't

Thanks everyone for all the advice and what not.

Is it possible she has been cheating and is accusing me in order to assuage her own guilt? I'm 99.9% sure this is not the case.

Is it possible she is doing this to push me away because she wants to be with someone else? This might be more plausible, but I think that if this is what she's doing it's subconscious. I don't think it's calculated.

I mean, honestly, 2 days ago we were in love: having sex, cooking for eachother, planning for the future... she was my best friend.

But she has a long history of creating problems out of thin air. I just think she relies on drama the way people rely on food, her personality needs it to survive, and if there isn't a legitimate issue for her to feed on, her psyche creates one.

One messed up thing that I just now thought about is that she's for sure telling all her family and friends that I cheated. Haha, you try to be a good guy, and this is what you get in return.

Last edited by SeeThomasHowl; 11-01-2010 at 09:17 AM.
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Old 11-01-2010, 02:02 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help: Wife is accusing me of cheating, but I didn't

So don't move out. Doing so, you just validated her belief that you're guilty, or if she wants you out of the picture, you're helping her cause.

Stop putting up with this sh!t.

Her insecurity isn't your problem to address.

Move back home. Don't attempt to address a thing. Let her figure out exactly what the hell she thinks, she thinks ... and then bring it to you. Or ... she can leave if she chooses.

Entertaining the freak show, only invites more freak show.

As a very wise and mildly sarcastic doctor once said; "Don't feed the bears."

Unless of course you want to get off this ride. In that case, move back home and contact an attorney.
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