Read details about Wife's past lover, wish I could forget
I've been struggling with this for a few weeks now and wanted to come here to see if anyone had any tips on forgetting something I wish I hadn't seen.
I was in the midst of trying to turn things around during my wife's EA when I came across some journals she had kept all through HS and college. I didn't even know the journals existed, they were just sitting on the bookshelf in our bedroom and I came across them while looking for something else, the timing was coincidental. I was unable to resist the temptation and read the most recent journal which covered her college years, up to the time she and I started dating (halfway through college).
Early on in our relationship my wife and I had shared our 'sexual histories' with each other. I'd basically had two long-term girlfriends prior, and she told me that there were 5 or 6 guys she had 'hooked up' with in her first two years of college, and that she had never 'known how good sex could be until she met me'. I accepted it and never really thought about that stuff in the past 7 years that we've been together.
Unfortunately, I came across a passage in her journal detailing a sexual encounter that she had 8 years ago (1 year before we met) with an ex boyfriend.. the same ex that she was in the midst of an EA with at the time. It included pretty thorough details about his.. size, what they did together, and the fact that the sex was amazing. It also showed that she had unresolved desires about wanting to rekindle a relationship with him, but apparently nothing ever came of that, and I don't think they had contact for years until she initiated the EA this summer.
So, I guess I was in a bit of an 'ignorance is bliss' state for the past 7 years that I've been with my wife. I knew she had a past, but so did I, and I never spent much time on it because it was just some vague concept. Now that I've read details about her having sex with the 'other man', even though it is basically ancient history at this point, I am having a really hard time getting the mental image out of her and him out of my head.
The rational side of me knows that the important thing is that we have a great sex life together now, we're both satisfied, and we haven't been with anyone else since we met. She's always told me that she's never had better sex with anyone else, that she doesn't want to/can't picture herself being with anyone after me, and I should just take her at face value with that, but now I'm finding it hard to. On some level this is probably punishment for my reading something that I had no business reading anyway, so maybe this is what I deserve. Still, if she knew that there were things inside that journal that would hurt me deeply, why didn't she hide it somewhere other than on a bookshelf in our bedroom amongst all the other books?
I'm generally pretty good at letting the past be the past, and focusing on the present and things that I can change, but for some reason this one is really sticking with me and I keep making myself upset thinking about it. Any advice?