Read details about Wife's past lover, wish I could forget
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Old 11-01-2010, 08:24 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Read details about Wife's past lover, wish I could forget

I've been struggling with this for a few weeks now and wanted to come here to see if anyone had any tips on forgetting something I wish I hadn't seen.

I was in the midst of trying to turn things around during my wife's EA when I came across some journals she had kept all through HS and college. I didn't even know the journals existed, they were just sitting on the bookshelf in our bedroom and I came across them while looking for something else, the timing was coincidental. I was unable to resist the temptation and read the most recent journal which covered her college years, up to the time she and I started dating (halfway through college).

Early on in our relationship my wife and I had shared our 'sexual histories' with each other. I'd basically had two long-term girlfriends prior, and she told me that there were 5 or 6 guys she had 'hooked up' with in her first two years of college, and that she had never 'known how good sex could be until she met me'. I accepted it and never really thought about that stuff in the past 7 years that we've been together.

Unfortunately, I came across a passage in her journal detailing a sexual encounter that she had 8 years ago (1 year before we met) with an ex boyfriend.. the same ex that she was in the midst of an EA with at the time. It included pretty thorough details about his.. size, what they did together, and the fact that the sex was amazing. It also showed that she had unresolved desires about wanting to rekindle a relationship with him, but apparently nothing ever came of that, and I don't think they had contact for years until she initiated the EA this summer.

So, I guess I was in a bit of an 'ignorance is bliss' state for the past 7 years that I've been with my wife. I knew she had a past, but so did I, and I never spent much time on it because it was just some vague concept. Now that I've read details about her having sex with the 'other man', even though it is basically ancient history at this point, I am having a really hard time getting the mental image out of her and him out of my head.

The rational side of me knows that the important thing is that we have a great sex life together now, we're both satisfied, and we haven't been with anyone else since we met. She's always told me that she's never had better sex with anyone else, that she doesn't want to/can't picture herself being with anyone after me, and I should just take her at face value with that, but now I'm finding it hard to. On some level this is probably punishment for my reading something that I had no business reading anyway, so maybe this is what I deserve. Still, if she knew that there were things inside that journal that would hurt me deeply, why didn't she hide it somewhere other than on a bookshelf in our bedroom amongst all the other books?

I'm generally pretty good at letting the past be the past, and focusing on the present and things that I can change, but for some reason this one is really sticking with me and I keep making myself upset thinking about it. Any advice?
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Old 11-01-2010, 08:52 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Read details about Wife's past lover, wish I could forget

Methinks this was bad timing for you to go snooping. I mean, bad enough dealing with your wife's EA, then read how this same dude used to tear it up in college. Btw, how did you discover the EA?

I went to the same HS with my wife, and by her own admission, she's been with atleast 2 guys from our school, after graduation. Now luckily for me, they aren't in my grade, so i don't know them or run across them on FB. All i can say to myself is that i am the "total package" all the way around then them. Sure this guy may have put it down, but if he was all that, she'd be married to him and not you.

Reading this is a hard pill to swallow as a man. We all want our wives to be "pure as the driven snow." But at the same time, we want them to be a freak in the bed. We CAN'T have it both ways fellas. That great sex she gives you, that great head, she had to learn it from some place. Sorry for my tangent.

My advise, don't snoop through your wife's journals, its her past, not yours. Sure it helps you understand her EA right now, but you can only address what's going on RIGHT NOW. Same way i can't hate on my wife for the choices she made when she was 20, that was prior to before even meeting me. U can't bring up the stuff she wrote in that book. U can suggest she put it somewhere else though. To me, sex pillow talk memories of other men, do not belong in our bedroom for you to rifle through when ever you want to take a walk down memory lane.
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Old 11-01-2010, 08:57 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Read details about Wife's past lover, wish I could forget

I doubt she put the books there, knowing that what was in them might hurt you. I think she probably didn't remember what she'd written in them, and so didn't think much of them being easily accessible. I imagine she also thought that you would respect her privacy.

With that said, regardless of what the journals say, I would trust what she tells you. If she tells you that sex is the best with you, believe that. What she wrote in the journals was before she ever met you, therefore there's no comparison. Before I met my boyfriend, there was a past boyfriend that I would have said was the best. At that time, I had no notion that I would eventually meet my boyfriend and have better sex with him than anyone else I'd been with. I wrote poetry about that ex (not the sex, but the relationship). It takes nothing away from my relationship with my boyfriend, because I couldn't know when I wrote them that I would meet him and have a better relationship with him.

You're reading the journals with the context of knowing your relationship with her, and comparing the two. She wrote the journals with only the knowledge of that relationship; she had no idea what the future held.

I think it's also the fact that she had an EA with that boyfriend that is causing you the most pain. I think if she hadn't done that, you probably would have had better clarity when looking at the journal entries and would have realized that there was nothing to worry about.

I don't know how you guys are dealing with the affair and all, but I would consider counseling. Not just to deal with the affair, but also to help you put the journals into perspective and not allow them to do further damage to your marriage.
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Old 11-01-2010, 09:40 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Read details about Wife's past lover, wish I could forget

Journals are suuuuppper personal... but they're not always fact sweety. I know I've elaborated and turned some of my entries into steamy Daniel Steel type crap out of sheer boredom & imagination. Journals are supposed to be a place to let thoughts go so I'm not 100% convinced everything you read was fact. That said - I think most people have trophy experiences that were stepping stones & learning experiences that ready you for "the one"... you said it yourself that you guys have a rockin sex life! so maybe look at the past as prep for where you guys are today. It's natural to feel insecure - especially if she recorded some beau to be hung like a god but it obviously wasn't attached to a man that was worthy of marrying!!!!! YOU'RE the chosen one so take delight & pride in knowing that what you have won her heart & always will! Take the steamy entries as inspiration & challenge because you know have insight into what gets her going AND you are the man she chose to keep. Reflect on the EA and communicate with her on how you guys can foster a even stronger bond that can keep you both happy & secure. =)
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Old 11-01-2010, 10:24 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Read details about Wife's past lover, wish I could forget

Thanks everyone, it seems that I can always count on a post here to bring helpful replies and help me get my head right.

One thing I've noticed since my wife's EA is that I sometimes now assume the worst instead of the best when dealing with her. And that's tough when a situation like this is going on that is basically entirely in my own head; my bad feelings are a result of my own thought process and not any external factors. So, when I read something about my wife and her ex, instead of telling myself "it's ancient history, she chose to make her life with me, I am the person that she married, I'm the one who she tells she can't live without", etc.. I get myself worried that she is digging out her journal and having fond thoughts of her ex every time she and I hit a rough patch. And that's something I know I have to work on getting back; being able to assume the best of my wife instead of the worst, when I don't know all the details.

Obviously the fact that she was going through the EA with this same guy did add a little salt to the wound that wouldn't have been there otherwise.. if it was just "generic ex-boyfriend #5" that I was reading about, I probably wouldn't have had such a strong adverse reaction to it. But atruckersgirl is right, I need to have more faith in what my wife is actually telling me and showing me, and stop worrying so much about these worst-case scenarios that I invent in my head that have no basis in reality.
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Old 11-01-2010, 10:59 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Read details about Wife's past lover, wish I could forget

Quote:
Originally Posted by upstate_guy View Post
Thanks everyone, it seems that I can always count on a post here to bring helpful replies and help me get my head right.

One thing I've noticed since my wife's EA is that I sometimes now assume the worst instead of the best when dealing with her. And that's tough when a situation like this is going on that is basically entirely in my own head; my bad feelings are a result of my own thought process and not any external factors. So, when I read something about my wife and her ex, instead of telling myself "it's ancient history, she chose to make her life with me, I am the person that she married, I'm the one who she tells she can't live without", etc.. I get myself worried that she is digging out her journal and having fond thoughts of her ex every time she and I hit a rough patch. And that's something I know I have to work on getting back; being able to assume the best of my wife instead of the worst, when I don't know all the details.

Obviously the fact that she was going through the EA with this same guy did add a little salt to the wound that wouldn't have been there otherwise.. if it was just "generic ex-boyfriend #5" that I was reading about, I probably wouldn't have had such a strong adverse reaction to it. But atruckersgirl is right, I need to have more faith in what my wife is actually telling me and showing me, and stop worrying so much about these worst-case scenarios that I invent in my head that have no basis in reality.
Time, trust and patience will heal that. Now stop snooping, move the book yourself if she doesn't, put it under the bed or in another room's closest. Since she didn't move it, she realize you did and realize only reason you did is because what's in it.
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Old 11-01-2010, 11:13 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Read details about Wife's past lover, wish I could forget

until she initiated the EA this summer.

I would be more concerned about the summer EA than what happened 8 years ago. Time will erase what you read about her.
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Old 11-02-2010, 12:47 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Read details about Wife's past lover, wish I could forget

I wouldn't put it past some women to put the diaries where you could find them.

To see if you would snoop, to see how you would react, to avoid saying overtly that she is still hot for the guy, to have you stop her from cheating, etc.

There are lots of confusing reasons someone could do it.

On the other hand, maybe she forgot she put it there?

Here's how you know. Is she the type of woman who can remember exactly every detail about most things?

Like what you wore when you went on your fifth date? What was on the radio?

If she is? It was there on purpose.
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