turmoil

I'm wrecked and I know keeping this stuff in my head is not going to help me. I started seeing a therapist...need to go again but it is expensive. For now, I'm counting on you. In therapy, I learn that my feelings are feelings and I'm not supposed to judge them. I ask that you do the same, I am just seeking experienced solutions from you because I am WRECKED right now.

Current Problem
I am not having one emotional affair. I am having one million emotional affairs. And they are all in my head, I think. I haven't ventured to find out if they are reciprocal because I do not want to cheat on my husband. I have only been married 2.5 years and I fear that my ridiculously nice husband is the wrong guy for me. Our s-e-* life is terrible. It has been terrible since about 6 months after we started dating. We went to a se* therapist one time before we got married, but because we are youngish (29)...our finances were not in order at that time. In truth, we didn't make it a priority and didn't go anymore. I am at an awful point of not wanting him to touch me, I get ill thinking about him that way, and feel massive amounts of shame for it because he is a WONDERFUL guy. In fact, I married him because he is "marriage material" and completely different than my father. See below. The rub is that I want to sleep with every other guy in this planet that gives me attention. Every other guy. 23. 40. 30. Don't care. I don't and I am temporarily wise enough NOT to tell them that I am unsatisfied with my marriage because I'm not unattractive, I know how to manipulate if I'm being unhealthy, and don't want to find out if I have the strength to turn someone down. But the operative word is yet. If I keep this crap up, it's going to happen when I'm weak. The thoughts that come to mind FREQUENTLY are: I do not want to have kids with my husband. Although he would be a wonderful father, I am not in anyway in love with him, I just love him as a person. (ah yes, the famous words). I do not want to be in a loveless marriage and I am suffocating and have been for a long time. Can I remember when this started? No. Again, just sharing my feelings, as brutal as they are, I think he has no backbone, is unattractive to me, and I don't want children I don't even have yet to get bad genes-shallow. Totally selfish and obscene, I know. He's smart, so I'm being totally shallow there. Other feelings about him I have are that he is childish, immature (even though he makes responsible decisions), and I view his interests as childish. I'm sure it's not fair, but it's where I am at. I'm just ready to walk and give him everything, except the dog. I hear my mommyclock ticking and want to quickly run and find the right guy to have children with. I obviously cannot tell him any of this because it is cold-blooded and I never ever ever want to cause this wonderful man pain. Which is also why I am still here. But perhaps I am too messed up for him anyway and he could be better off without me. Either way, I understand I am selfish and have a boatload of shame about all of this. Yes, I see the irony in the fact that I want to breed, even though I am messed up about this.

Potential Catalysts

• I found ridiculous amounts of porn on my husband's computer early in our relationship. At a time when we were living together but unmarried, after finding it several times after us agreeing it was not a healthy amount of porn and him agreeing as an addict to abstain-I was ready to leave him. I was completely hurt because he was a wonderful person in every aspect except for this, but that was a complete dealbreaker. I am not Christian or any other religion for that matter...just spiritual and trust me when I tell you that the amount of his looking at 15-16 year old girl porn was unhealthy. I don't think porn is unhealthy for everyone, but it is for him as a fellow addict and he should abstain. After speaking with a lot of people and him agreeing to see a therapist and attend SA, I stayed. Our S life has been awful ever since. Perhaps I cannot get over it. I truly believe he has stopped. Part of me hopes he will go back so I have an excuse to leave. Weak, I know.

• My husband is gone all the time, as am I. We rarely see each other. He is full time working on his PhD, I am working on my Master's and working 1 job + additional work on the side. He works hard at his career for the future, but I am supporting us financially. However, his parents have a lot of $ and support us, which I have a love/hate for. They are very nice people, I do fear big time that if we had children they would control us with their money...as we are both too weak to say "no". I would love for anything in the world for my husband to be able to assist more substantially to family income (he gets a small stipend) so we could eliminate parental support.

• At one point, we were about to bite our financial situation and begin having children before I got too old. My parents were very old when they had me and I do not want to repeat. I quit my birth control. Wake up libido.....for everyone BUT my husband that is. I refuse to go back on just to fix a marriage. Selfish, perhaps, but I don't deserve to be a zombie and just take it.

• I started working out a lot and my hormone levels changed a lot even more. My testosterone levels are out-of-control. On top of it, I am almost 30. He does not work out, and will not. I am resentful at this.

• He does everything in the whole world for me. He's a wimp. I thought it was awesome at first and now I am ungrateful. But really, he has zero backbone. He never fights with me. I am a high achiever, but I am messy and although he doesn't clean-he does not contribute to the mess. I cook, as he will not. Another sore spot. He does not care about health at all, and I do NOT want to have children with someone who will feed our kids crappy foods, as I believe they are the source of several health problems today. He cares nothing for this passion and will not change. This is VERY important to me.

• I feel like I wear the pants and fear deeply that I will turn into my jerk of a father. I feel as though he doesn't make his own decisions and it drives me crazy.

Seemingly Relevant Emotional Background Factors
As a teenager, my Modus Operandi was to date for 2 weeks, get bored, and move on. I was addicted to infatuations. I cleaned up 7 years ago from several drugs and alcohol addiction. If you don't know what that means, it means I have problems with relationships. Yes, a problem with drugs/alcohol, but underneath all of it is a problem with relationships...and us addicts/alcoholics are generally selfish creatures. Nonetheless, after reading several of these threads, these problems are not uncommon to all walks of life. My parents are recovering addicts and much older than me, 2 generations, in fact. My father loved me to death and never physically abused me but he's a grade a controlling, emotionally abusive jerk to both my mother and I. My mother is a codependent doormat who cannot drive and does not work. They have an awful relationship as I perceive it and did not sleep in the same bed as long as I can remember. In fact, when I was a teenager my mother explained to me that s-e-* was painful and I truly believe it is for her. That's how gratifying that part of her life was. Not sure if I can say that word on here so I wrote it like that. I don't think they should be married. I fear so much that I have settled and that my future is to be like theirs-a loveless, se*less marriage. No thanks.

Why haven't I walked away yet? Statistics, shame, I love him as a person, he is a GOOD guy, he would never cheat on me, and I know that I cannot trust my head with emotional matters. Thank you for letting me get all of that out. My stomach is constantly in knots, and yes, I am making another appointment with my counselor...I have only been to one. I am sharing all of my "fantasies" with my close girlfriends and staying accountable. But I cannot avoid the world. I thought if I avoided one-on-ones I would be okay, but this last weekend a guy was paying attention to me in front of several people but no one was noticing. He was too *young* (23) to even know to look for a ring, and I certainly didn't randomly come out with it. Again, most of it is in my head, so there was nothing to "respond" to. And I enjoyed the attention and flattery, so I was not going to stop it.

Solutions/experience welcome. I can take that I have a lot to do with this mess if I do...but please don't judge me or call me abusive names. That's not constructive.

Trenton

Wow, you are definitely detail oriented. The first thing that comes to my mind is that there is a lot going on with you and him and in your lives. It's difficult to connect with so many distractions.

Secondly, I would say that bringing a child into this world has to be celebrated by both in the relationship to be a pleasurable experience and it seems your husband is hesitant. I'd also add that many of my friends who chose career/school over early parenting are happily pregnant now and 34 - 36 age range so putting it off another few years might be a good thing if you're both not ready now. It is the home/intimacy/connections that make a good family, not the age.

Thirdly, why stay off birth control if you're seemingly repulsed by your husband? Having a child because of preconceived notions of when to have a child when you're not with a man you love and adore is setting yourself and your child up for chaos and confusion.

Fourthly, porn on a man's computer is nothing new. They love tits and bum. It's the way it is. As a woman I often wish it weren't true but it always is and if it's not it's usually because something is off. Perhaps the fact that he seems less than interested in your tits and bum is what bothers you but when I read your feelings towards him it seems like a no brainer. I wouldn't be interested in a man who was obviously not in love with me.

Fifth, why...why...why...why stay? You are young and only your imagination and will stops you from becoming whomever it is you want to be. This post is like a ramble down the river of self harm and self infatuation.

Lastly, I recognize the post is all about how you feel. I will caution you that when you have a child, if you want to be a good parent, your priorities will shift. Sharing your newfound priorities with a person you admire and respect will mean all the difference between resenting your child and nurturing them. Your husband, your future child and you deserve better. Stop believing you have no control over your life, your loves and your future. Begin making tough decisions and be ready to face the consequences.

turmoil

Yes, I've been sitting with this one for awhile. I tried to tackle it from all angles. Thanks for the response and trudging through that block of craziness.

1. He has been gone for 5 days. I am praying he cheated on me but he won't.
2. I am definitely not wanting to have a child today, I have yet to finish my degree, get my career going, and find the right man.
3. I am staying off birth control because I am 100% in love with my sex drive and don't ever want to give it up now that it's back, even if it's hard right now because I'm not getting it with who I want. It is however forcing me to make a decision.
4. If he is not in love with me, that is a huge surprise to me. But perhaps he is not attracted to me! Oh god, I hope he gets to figure this out someday. I was disgusted by his massive porn collection because the girls were so young.
5. I am staying until I process through the feelings and determine this is me. I keep feeling like I am the attention-seeking broken one here.
6. Agreed, but I'm scared. Hence the post and validation. I have no good role models for healthy relationships, cannot really trust my intuition about it 100%.

Thanks for responding.

takris

I will strongly disagree with the previous poster about the issue of porn. As a guy, I've seen it destroy relationships too many times when it is the only source of sexual fulfillment. No, I'm not saying this for religious reasons, and I know too many guys try to justify it as normal and healthy. All things might be healthy when in moderation.

Your husband has no sex drive, you mention. It is likely in his case that he's using the porn because it is the only thing that puts him over the threshold of sexual interest. Unfortunately, if it is not balanced by an active sex life, I believe the threshold just rises, making the problem worse.

The mild-mannered way you describe him makes him sound naturally low testosterone. For it to improve, he needs to get involved in activities that use the large muscle groups, plus plenty of sex. Maybe it would even help him feel more decisive.

There's alot he can do, but also alot you can do. If you follow through with the fantasies, you could scar him in a way that'll last a long time. Maybe you can push him to either begin to work on the issues, or just divorce.

I'm certainly not going to judge. Actually, I think all people would describe similar feelings at some leve, but have just been conditioned to discard them or pretend they aren't there. At some point, you have to begin asking yourself where you are going to go in life as a person, then force yourself to stick to it. I suspect it will not be with a mild-mannered indecisive guy, but you might be surprised with your husband's potential if you two decide o work it out.

Remember that being 'husband material' nice does not automatically have to include having no backbone. It sounds like you fear that if you can't make it work with him, it automatically excludes you from the good guys. There are plenty of guys out there who know what they want in life, and go get it without saying please at every turn, while never stepping on others to get there.

Deejo

He may be a great guy, and in particular you focus that he doesn't or won't do the wrong things.

But you aren't partners. You aren't even compatible. Seems like you love a number of his qualities, but you aren't in love with the total package.

Bottom line; you aren't attracted to him. He isn't doing anything to change that equation. Cut him loose. Easier said than done, but the alternative you paint will be far more damaging to the both of you.

__________________
"I figured out they were serious eventually but was thinking it was ridiculous. I wanted to kick them in the balls." - Trenton

turmoil

First of all, thanks for your responses. If nothing else, they relieve my guilt and shame for even having these feelings.

Sex Drive
I'm not sure I was 100% clear. I agree my husband has a low sex drive. But it has been months since we had sex due to my dodging and careful planning not to have to. It's almost like I am almost ready to leave but don't have the counselor's professional advice, my own gusto, absolute trust in my opinion, financial freedom from his parents, etc. to go, yet don't want to be fake by sleeping with him. I almost feel like if I were to sleep with him, I would be cheating on some future guy I haven't even met yet. How is that for crazy? I don't know if that makes sense to anyone.

Hesitations
We are also about 20 days away from refinancing our house. My action keep going as though we are going to stay together. He's the most wonderful roommate. We cooperate so well together, hence my hesitation. In fact, reflecting back, when he was pursuing me I kept putting him off-telling him he was like a brother to me. And then I started feeling attracted to him sexually. That lasted for about 2 - 3 months but I still truly feel as though I found my best friend and accepted that I didn't care about sex then. That's what is so hard. We clicked. We really did. And I honestly feel now though that I was just a kid, with an awesome friend. We dated for 2.5 years before marriage...so I didn't rush into it. I'm stumped. My hesitation with my decision to leave is the fear that this will repeat, as I will always continue to grow. Where does one draw the line if my next partner does not catch up either?

Why don't any of you readers think that I am a selfish, shallow, out-of-touch-with-the-reality-of-marriage-and-should-just-deal-with-it type of person? I really feel that way.

I think he is home from his 5 day trip. Comments welcome. Therapy appointment tomorrow.

Brewster 59

Well this board is for venting feelings and maybe getting some advice to think about.

It seems like you know you need to leave but have guilt about it maybe a little anxiety of whether its the right thing to do.

You may have a little fear about the change that this will bring to both of your lives.

One thing for sure is you shouldnt have kids at least with him unless your feelings change, kids wont fix anything.

The thing is if you dont love him you are cheating yourself and him of maybe finding real love. I get you love him as a friend which sorry at this point I dont think you will be able to salvage your friendship.

Be careful with that sex drive of yours and make sure to use protection, your not ready to have kids or worse get a std or aids.

Good luck to Ya

Deejo

Well that would be too easy, and giving you what you want.

Do you want him to be happy and know love? Real love?
Then be brave and let him go. Of course you are going to hurt him. Do you think you are doing him any favors by waiting another 2 years and then sleeping with someone else after you have convinced yourself that you resent and despise him?

It doesn't get easier. Not ever.

__________________
"I figured out they were serious eventually but was thinking it was ridiculous. I wanted to kick them in the balls." - Trenton

marilee

I would say do it now, before you bring kids into the mix. Kids are wonderful, but they certainly make marriage harder, not easier. If you aren't feeling the bond NOW, before kids, that's not a good sign. Definitely keep it up with the individual therapy.

If you do decide to stay, then FOR THE LOVE, don't have kids until you feel completely, 100%, back in love and committed to your spouse. Don't plan to bring kids into a relationship that is this shaky. That's insanity.

less_disgruntled

So you mean that because both of you have about 60-70/hours a week of responsibilities and he washes dishes when he needs to use them he isn't "manly" enough for you? Let me guess, you complain about how messy the house is to him, huh? GROW THE **** UP. I've got news for you, if this is your attitude and you "let him go" you aren't going to "hurt" him, he's going to feel massive relief.

4sure

You need to leave and divorce this man. Let him go so he can find a woman who can give him the love he deserves. You can't force yourself to love someone, no matter how great a person he is, if the emotion isn't there.

You need to get counseling. Not counseling to fix a marriage, but counseling to fix yourself. You sound as if you believe you don't deserve anything good. Wanting to sleep with ANY guy who gives you attention isn't healthy: mentally, emotionally or physically.

less_disgruntled

To elaborate, I'm willing to guess one of the reasons you feel like you "wear the pants" is because probably most of his time is spent on the very long, difficult and open-ended task that is writing a dissertation. Yeah, guess what, for grad students, "free time" means going to the library to do more research, not flying away to some exotic locale. I'd be very surprised if you haven't heard something to that extent before. I'd suggest part of the reason he isn't "making a mess" that you wouldn't clean up anyway--do you see him posting in here about how unattractive his "unwomanly" wife is on account of not cleaning enough?--is because his schedule is completely out-of-control messed-up.

turmoil

Ah. what a beautiful day in therapy today. Not much time to post.

In short, no decisions now...as suspected. Working on me. I have the greatest therapist ever. I am truly blessed. I am temporarily relieved from the burden of a decision. I am making good decisions by not putting myself in extraordinarily difficult situations where I am alone with men, though hard. And, I have some tools to separate my inappropriately learned behavior patterns & relationship patterns from reality. After I learn how to do this I can then make my decisions.

Posters
Thanks for the support, good wishes, and thoughts. I knew I was in a scary place of circular thinking and fear. I'll keep you posted on my decisions/learned behavioral solutions as they come.

No worries everyone! No way would I have a child until I am more stable! No way will I sleep around, I just felt dangerously close and was calling out! I am way too afraid of passing along my misunderstanding of the world, and my addiction. Until I straighten all of that out...no way. That's why I'm in therapy!

As for you less_disgruntled
Again, not sure my excessive typing makes it easy to understand my situation. But I am also in grad school, work 2 jobs, and am enrolled in a certification prep course. Not sure why you would value his PhD as taking more time. We're equally matched here. And be surprised! -I have never heard that before because I've never done anything to evoke that response. I'm not sure you're catching my point. Perhaps I haven't it explained it well.

takris

First of all, the fact that you feel this way makes it hard for anyone to call you names.

But to be honest, I also grew up with no family role models. My dad's idea of a present for my 13th birthday was a cheap prostitute (I told him no). Because I married someone with borderline personality disorder, the marriage went thermonuclear right after the wedding, and I'll never get over the images of how she dealt with her self-hatred. Maybe I'm just a pushover, but I cut her some slack for 23 years. She's a great person in many other ways. To some degree, all of us need to come to grips with the fact that everyone has flaws, and ask yourself if your problem is your expectations, or is it incompatability.

less_disgruntled

Sorry, I am being an *******. I meant that reading your post it sounded like you think less of your man on account of the fact that while he won't do your housework for you he will clean up after himself because it sounds like both of your schedules are total wrecks. I suspect that wasn't what you meant but a lot of posters here really think men touching a dish sponge causes spontaneous castration.

One thing I would encourage is trying to get him to be more physically present, I know it's easy to get stuck behind a desk forever and ever with this crap.