xmsxjupiterx

Hello,

I'm basically seeking out help because I don't want to bring this up to the boyfriend right away because it just might be in my head what's going on.

I have been with my bf for five years now. We have been great friends and have been even better in being in this relatioship and have major plans of moving out soon and getting our dreams going...

But lately, we have been going through some difficulties that I'm starting to question our overall relationship. Him and I have been together since I was 19 and he was 20. In the beginning of the relationship we used to talk about marriage and how he actually wanted to me to be his wife as soon as things change for the better financially and what not.

We have never really fought, but lately, we just bicker about the most insignificant things. We started going out a lot more and he even started drinking. Something that he refused to do before.

Now, when we talk about the future, he tells me that he is not psychic and to be happy about what we have right now because he can't tell where we'll be within the next year or so. We talk about children all the time but, when I bring up marriage he gets his defenses up so quick.

Now I know he loves me because obviously he chooses to be around still... but... I don't want to feel that I am just a standby until another woman walks into his life and she gets the whole package. Everytime I say that to him he gets extremely irate.

Now I know that every man is different... but it's driving me insane that the future is so unclear.

We have an awesome relationship but how come he can't commit ??

Rob774

U sound like one of my gal pals. Ur situation is eerily similiar to hers. Basically he's taking you for granted. I bet you find yourself on the burner alot. I don't doubt at all that he loves you, but he know you love him as well, and most women in your position will NOT leave their man, unless their man is doing something terrible long. So right now you find yourself on his clock. I'll tell you exactly i told her.

Draw a line in the sand and say either step up your game or i'm out. Sure he think you won't stick to your guns. And then he'll see you pack your things one day. 1 of two things will happen that day, either he shows how much he loves you and begs you to stay or he'll let you walk. If he lets you walk then he is doing you a favor, because there has yet to be a man on this earth... to let the woman he adores walk out the door when all he has to do is say a word. How many more years do you want to sit by him, for him to one day realize, you guys weren't meant to be married? In just only 4 years, i met my a woman, proposed, wifed her, and she had our first child who is now 9 years old. If he drags his feet... launch him!!! You don't want to wake up 30 years old in the same boat.

Good Luck!!!

xmsxjupiterx

Well the thing is I kind of understand him that is why I stick it out.

Unfortunately he has been out of work since he got laid off the beginning of the year and he has since returned to school and wont be done with his program until the end of 2011.

He tells me that we can work everything out after he completes everything and gets a job. But to me it seems like an excuse. I want to be able to struggle with him and show him that support regardless. I just feel we can jump into it now and he wants to be ready with finances and all because he feels he needs to be the bread winner in our household.

Is this healthy for him to feel this way ??

Therealbrighteyes

Rob,
"Wifed her" cracked me up! I agree with everything you said.

trying01

Ok, so I'm not in the best position, but I thought I'd offer up my experience because it is slightly similar... We met on my 19th birthday and he turned 20 4 days later...

You met "young". If someone was telling me this who was older I would say something TOTALLY different. But you're not older and that age lots of things are variables. Think about how much changes from that time when you met? 19 - 24 is a crazy time in most peoples lives. He sounds like he's interested in things he wasn't before and is acting differently. I don't think thats about not wanting to marry you but might be about being a 24/25 year old guy. When we were 21 my H would talk to me about kids and marriage and I thought we were in sync. Then as the years went on and I didn't have a ring on my finger and we hit those ages we talked about I was crushed. What we want as 19 year olds for our 25 year old self is typically a lot different than what our 25 year old self wants for itself.. Don't get me wrong I was SOOO frustrated and hurt by waiting and waiting (we got engaged at 7 years and married at 8 year) but at the same time I still got married at 26 which is close to average - i think...??

I would really think about it. For me I trusted him to know that we would get there, but I am not the person who says **** or get off the pot. I am the person who wonders and analyzes why he doesn't want to make that move. How is he doing? He knows what you want, but do you know what he wants? If you're not married by a certain time are you out? This is your life too, so taking control of you is essential. Would you rather be without him than with him because you wanted to be married at a certain age or because you've dated him for so many years... Believe me I went through ALL of this before with marriage and now again because of you guessed it - kids...

Don't get me wrong I don't feel like I should be giving advice because my sitation sure isn't great but I'm telling you what we experienced...

Mrs Chai

While it’s good you understand him, it’s bad that he doesn’t understand you… Or is he? Whenever marriage is brought up, something clearly on your mind, he gets defensive and deflects. You’ll hear it many times and if you get married you’ll hear it even more. You are young. And you do change a lot from 20 to 25 years old. I knew my husband since he was fourteen, I went out and did a lot in the world at 17 and was forced to grow up quick. I’m married to this man now and I can see the wordly difference in us. It’s hard sometimes because he just isn’t at the same spot as I am – but that was a choice I made and not something I hold against him. It’s an issue (and you’ll have many) in a marriage you have to deal with.

The key to any successful marriage is communication. I would suggest you look into premarital counseling. It was something we did and I think we faced potentially relationship breaking topics and issues through these sessions. By doing those, we had an easier time talking about things we were afraid to talk about before and had a third party to help coach us with communications and challenges of marriage. I think if more people took these, they would save more marriages, or at least give both people a chance to really look at the choice their making and decide if its best for them.

Bickering over stupid small things is common. I remember feeling like we never did – but it was back then we were afraid to bring up the small things. The important part is you take a lesson away from your bickering, and don’t let it build up into something explosive or resentful. And while novel that he discusses children, I wouldn’t take much to heart if he digs in his heels at the mention of making a life commitment to the woman who is supposedly going to bear his children.

To get the negative Nancy out of me – he could be staying around because he still loves and cares for you – but no longer in a way that would lead to the marriage you’re hoping for. It could be harder for him to let go, or he’s comfortable with the way things are now and the idea of change is not something he’s ready for.

My husband wanted to wait until he was graduated from college and financially stable. With me having in between majors and him teetering on the edge of switching his, I had no idea when that could be. 3 years, 5 years? 10? I talked with my mother about it and decided to talk to him about it seriously.

I’m a go getter. I know what I want and I get it. This approach worked for me, but a different one may be more appropriate for you. But anyway, I went up to my then-boyfriend and told him I wanted to get married. Now we ahd talked about it before and agreed we would get married. But I wanted a date set and plans to be made. And I wasn’t going to be engaged for seven years. I was either worth the commitment (at this point) or I wasn’t. I had made up my mind that I wanted him to be the man for me for the rest of my life and I figured he had had the time to make his mind too (we talked about getting married a year before and nothing came of it.)

Pretty much I asked him, “Do you want me to be your wife?”
“Yes.”
“Will me being your wife now change your mind about me being your wife a year, two years later?”
“No.”
I found once I laid it out logically and less emotionally he saw where I was getting at. However, I made it clear what I expected out of him. Complete commitment or it was time for me to get out.

Now the financial thing is just an excuse. It is. Because you’re going to face financial hardships whether you’re married or not. We had financial issues single and we have them now as a married couple. Finances are the biggest point of argument with many couples. And as long as you’re open and honest and have a goal, it’s manageable.

Men need to be the provider of the home. And that’s a good thing. Express to him that you appreciate his concern for taking care of you, but you trust that becoming your wife will not deter him from that.

There is a lot of decisions you’re going to have to make and most importantly a lot of communication needs to be established. And if you go in with an ultimatum (no ideal) be prepared to carry it out because if I learned anything from my relationship with my husband, you don’t always get the answers you were expecting (or hoping for). Most of all, remember that most men respond to logic and not emotion – as irritating as that can be for us females =)

Ladybugs

its very understandable how your feeling...5 yrs is a long time. When he says he's "not psychic" and cant predict the future, Im sorry, but that's a bunch of bull..

he does not have to be psychic to know how he feels about major decisions in his life, such as for example finishing college, changing jobs, buying a new car...etc. Does he need to be psychic to know whether he will for example finish getting a degree, or does he know what his plans are? of course, he (hopefully) knows what his plans are...

the same with marriage plans. Marriage is not something that happens to psychic people, lol, its something that most people plan for. The line he gave you is a way to cop out of any responsibility, its' out of his hands, because he's not a psychic..

anyways 5 yrs is plenty long enough for him to decide either way...

if I were you I would bring it up-- dont wait for that perfect moment to do so, because your anxiety might prevent you from ever doing so. Just go ahead and ask him, what his plans are.
if he claims "sorry, I dont know, Im not a psychic" explain to him he doesnt need to be..he needs to make a decision like he hopefully does with other important things in his life
just point to those things as evidence he is capable of doign so

you deserve to know, because what if it goes another few years and then he says he has decided to move on and marries someone else, or whatever...you deserve alot better than that

if he's a grown man, he should be capable of knowing his own mind and making decisions

Ladybugs

as far as the breadwinner thing, its nice that he wants to provide, however, using it in the way he is my sense is that its an excuse to put off marriage decision...

explain to him that you admire him wanting to be the breadwinner, but what is even alot more important to you than that, is that you two be in a commited (marriage) relationship...

I agree with other poster, you will need to draw a line, if he lets you walk, then it means he doesnt love you as much as you hoped for..if he does love you that much, he will say "wait..ok, lets get married"

its better to know after 5 yrs then to wait another 5 and get burned

the ball is in his court

MsLonely

I have different opinion. You're still young, 24 right?
He's still young & not ready, mentally,& financially for marriage.
It's not wise to push him to commit.
It's not wise to push yourself to commit only because you feel insecure about yourself with this man.
Don't jump into marriage because you're scared he won't propose.
Instead, you should seek independence. Make yourself stronger financially & Pursue a career.
When you're an independent & successful woman, you'll be much more confident, you won't beg a man who is not ready in every perspective to marry you. You would have lots of pursuiters so you can keep your options open.
The guy you're with is not yet a prince for you to get married.
Make yourself a confident & powerful princess instead.

MsLonely

I always tell my daughter. She must study good enough for acquiring a strong profession with a very good career first, such as, a doctor, who works in hospital or a clinic.
A beautiful woman who looks good & sexy + good education background + independent + profession will choose among a list of good man (professionals) to get married while a beautiful woman who only looks good & sexy, will only wait to be chosen by a man, not necessary good one.
I told her she should take her time to make some boyfriends & have good experiences in relationship, she should find not only a good & responsible man but also a right man who she can get along with her for at least 2 years. When her choice has some problems, never rush into marriage!
Posted via Mobile Device