This is going to be a long post because I feel that all the info will help others understand better. Please dont be quick to reply if you dont read it all.
I've been married for 3 years now and have a 3 year old son, my wife and I have been together nearly 5 years. This last year we've been drifting apart. I already have recognized that I didnt give her enough attention and didnt show her I cared lately. But so much has happened recently that I just dont know what to do anymore. A month ago we had been fighting about what I call normal married people stuff and my wife told me that a girl from work revielded she was in love with her. I asked then if my wife liked her back and she said no and that nothing would happen. Almost every weekend she would go out with her friends to do stuff, like rafting, dancing, etc. And this other girl would always be there too. I always let her go out because I trusted her and thought it was what she liked doing. I dont even remember how now, but it came to my attention that my wife was also in love with this other girl. I knew that my wife was always bi curious and it didnt bother me, we had even breifly talked about explloring that together. (every mans dream right) but it just wasnt like that for me, it was more of something to let her explore and we could go through together. But because we had been agrueing so much lately she was very quick to leave me for this other girl. She said that this girl was romantic and understanding to her. Ofcourse I though I was being the same way, but obviously not. We fought alot about this situation and it came down to who did she want me or her. Well I lost and went to my dads house to live and we agreed that I would still get my son every night. We work split schedules me during the day and her at night, so no babysitter is ever used. I was not gone long when my wife called me at work to tell me to come home, and ofcourse I was very happy to do that, but we never talked about what happened. So I would ask about it and never get anywhere, she just didnt want to talk about it. I new some of the problems were with me, so I took her out and showed her a great time for many different days. I did everything I could to show her I loved her and treated her like a godess. Which she said that now she could see that I cared like I did back when we were first married. I still pushed as to why she left me though and eventually got some info out of her. She was confused an who she was, she didnt know who to love and who loved her more. She was confused about her sexuality becuase she liked both me and this other girl so much. She revealed what happened between this other girl and her, and it was really upsetting to me. She talked through e-mails about sex with her and being together. She told me she never had sex with the other girl but did kiss and be romantic with her. I felt this was cheating because so much of it happened before I moved out. I have recovered from all of this because she told me that she no longer loves this other girl and loves me. We had even talked about removing this other girl from our lives so we could move on. But now my wife says she cant remove her from our lives that she still cares about this girl, she says not love her but cares about her. She still talks with her all through the week and has started to lie to me about little things. I still take her out every weekend for good times and still show her romance and even talked about having another baby. But its like im the 3rd person in some wierd 3 way marriage and I always get last place. My wife still leaves to talk to her and goes other places with out me, like right now she left to her sisters beacuse she needed space. She wont come home to even have dinner with me and refuses to tell me when she will be home. This whole time I've been offering anything she needed, my support, my understanding, my listening, and she just never tells me whats going on. She always says something to get her out of talking, "its late and Im tired", "I have to go to work", "Im confused and dont know" etc. I dont want to be selfish, but I think that now I'm doing all the work to try and be with her and she's doing nothing. I dont even think she loves me at all, even though everyday she says she does. The amount of little stupid lies are so much that she doesnt even match what she says now. She never used to lie and she knows that the one thing I hate to most is lieing, I think maybe she does it on purpose now. I catch her in one and she says she lied because she didnt want to hurt me. something like "I'm going to see my sister a a bit and I'll be home asap", then I call her and shes over at her sisters friends house drinking and tells me she doesnt know when she'll be home. That doesnt matter to me as much as the fact that she lied about it does. Honestly I could fill you in on even more things but it would be a book to read and reply too. I just need some one to talk to, I dont have very many friends and this matter I dont think is their speciality. She talks about everything with this other girl and never anything with me. I dont know how we'll ever get anywhere like this. My wife is the love of my life and I know that I want to be with her forever and I cant even think about being with out her. I just want to know what to do to keep her with me and happy. I've looked up some counseling/therapy but I doubt she would even go with me and its so expensive for just me to go and possible still not get anywhere. I still might give it a shot this week, but Im so sacred that she just doesnt want to be with me anymore and wont tell me. I'd do anything to stay with her, even just to be her room mate so I could be with her and my son. My heart has been shattered and then stomped on so much and I just dont know how long I can take it before something bad happens. Please I just need someone to help me talk about this and give things to try, I really need help and want to help my wife. Thank you
I still might give it a shot this week, but Im so sacred that she just doesnt want to be with me anymore and wont tell me. I'd do anything to stay with her, even just to be her room mate so I could be with her and my son. My heart has been shattered and then stomped on so much and I just dont know how long I can take it before something bad happens.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say you would not be ok with being your wife's roommate. Maybe you want to be OK with it because you are so scared of losing her, but it sounds like you are extremely crushed by her actions and as you said, you think something bad will happen if you continue to live in this environment. You know what you want and expect from her but what can you do about it if you are so scared of losing her that you can't draw any boundaries? How could she be the love of your life? She lies to you, cheats on you, is emotionally and physically deceitful towards you. This is the love of your life? As painful as it is, I think you need to reexam who she is now, and not who she used to be or what you want her to be.
You are torn. You want her but you also want her to be someone else. You are afraid to set boundaries with her because you want her. But you resent her because of what she's done to you. You can't voice your resentment, however, because you dont want to push her away. You're going to have to chose to either start setting up consequences for her behavior or allow her to continue stomping on you to the point that "something bad happens." Just remember when that something bad does happen, it will be your child that innocently suffers.
Your wife is cetainly confused about her sexuality. She really needs to work on that first. However, having said that, she is cheating on you. My husband has cheated on me and I recognize the "flags". The emotional disconnection is tough for the non-cheating spouse. At times you are willing to settle for less just to have that person in your life. Although my husband and I went to couple's counseling for awhile, we just weren't getting anywhere. Beginning this week my husband will start going to counseling alone. He has got to be the one to figure out why he cheated and is contiuing to distance himself from me. I can't do that for him. So, I think that's where your wife is. She needs counseling to figure out her issues. In the meantime, my counselor told me to just go about my daily business and not discuss "our problem" with him. She said dicussion and confrontation, at this point, will only drive him farther away. That may be the approach you should use.
i agree with both points from the above and both are very valid.
if she is moving on, its best to not become a room mate.
ok its with a woman , but correctly said, she is cheating on you. why dont you consider not taking her our every weekend. there is only so much you can give and only so much you can take.
i think you need to back of from giving her attention.
i do believe she is confused about her sexuality. but if this girl has told her she loves her and there has been no sex, she might push further. if persistent enough.
i met a girl in university. her hubby had just gone to america and i ws getin divorced. but my situation was for different reasons, we did a few things, but not all the way.
i actually think alot of women are bi-curious. its just how far you go.
instead of just stopping the attention.
when you see her tell her you are allowing her, her space. but instill your rules. you wont be a porn here. you wil not be lied to, you are going to stop pay attention for whatever reason you choose.
this is only one way. but by stopping the attention.
she can actually see what this girl gives her. it might end up being nothing.
i stil fantasise about my ideal woman and recently when my hubby and i split , i got of with a mate ( female - lesbian) . but again its just curiosity that wil go no where. yes we still talk and when i go out she works in the bar i go to. but thats it. my mate thinks im sexy and calls me that, she even tells my brothers to leave us alone, but she would still do no harm.
but i come back to my hubby.
because i enjoy what a man can give in the bedroom.
you might be lucky and try and get her to feel the same.
but i suggest you pull away - to make her think.
who is also important and should be number 1 priority is your son.
he needs to know where he stands. there sounds like a lot of tooing and frowing between you both.
I don't know what advice I can offer but I can tell you I emphathize with having no one to talk to. My husband is distancing himself he doesn't know why. I think emotionally he actually can't handle fixing our relationship right now. In our case he has not had an affair that I know of but a friendship with an 18 year old girl that is not proper. It hurts me and he continues and she's 23 years younger. Its just weird and I could relate where you said being like the third wheel. I've found a lot of comfort in coming here and talking to people so I hope that helps you too. If I were to offer any advice, I think it sounds like you need to leave her be to figure out what she wants and meanwhile pick up the pieces of your life. This is advice I absolutely need to follow and am committed to doing right now myself. The more I push, the further I pushed away. When I backed off, things were actually healing then today I screwed them up by pushing. Choose me or don't. Well he wasn't ready to choose and now he just wants to check out. You have the added issue about her confusion on her sexuality. It sounds like you could both benefit with counseling, just like us. I did manage to get my husband to begin counseling on his own, that starts this week. I'll keep you in my thoughts and hope that you and your wife will be able to repair this relationship.
Thanks a bunch guys, its good to get this off my chest. I've decided to look into counceling and see if I can get my wife to join me. I already got some resistance to it from her by her making quick excuses.
When she came back home the other night she seemed to be in a great mood. She left needing space and to talk to her sister about our problems. When she came back she greeted me with hugs and kisses and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner. So ofcourse I went because I want to be with her as much as possible and I hadn't ate all day. Dinner went well and afterward at home our love making was great.
I think I understand that she needs her space and that I may be able to give her that space even while still living with her. I also am going to be focusing on making myself a better person. My wife has even mentioned this to me. I figure that if I pay alittle less attention to her and more on myself, it would be better for all parties.
I did send an e-mail to the other girl, in attempt to be nice and not cause any problems. I explained that I understood friendship but that thats all she should have with my wife. I also attempted to befriend her so that possibly we all could get along. I just hate that my wife goes to her so much alone. I feel it would be nice that the 3 of us do things fun together and leave past events behind.
My wife as since told me that she just needed time to think about what she wanted out of life. She said that she realized that she wanted to be with me forever and would like to just get our lives going so we can get to our future goals. She wants to go to school for forensics and we want to move into a house in another city and have more kids. So I figure that if I lessen my attention towards her and focus on myself that things might workout better. I am even studing to take a state exam for a better job. She is at work now and ofcourse will probable talk with the other girl, so hopefully things will still be good in the morning. Again thank you all for your input and I'm sure I'll keep posting as things go.
im going to be honest. i would leave the other girl alone. dont make efforts, or she wil think its fine and this could end up making you a very confused person.
ok you cant stop her from speaking to this girl or being around her in work. but could you not suggest when shes not in work , just lessening her time.
3 is a crowd.
but then again, maybe with time and her studying, her time wil just be lesened through the move and other things that go on in her life.
i am not lieing when i tell u this, a few my hubbys ex friends, tried to split us up. they can cause so much trouble.
ok I can see how interacting with the other girl myself would be a bad idea. Especially since I have no idea on her feelings towards me, and I know she previously told my wife not to sleep with me while I was still in the house.
Justean, you mentioned your husbands ex-friends tried to split you up. I assume they are now ex friends because of this or was it some thing else?
I ask because I would like my wife to not be this other girls friend anymore.
It makes me uncomfortable everytime they are with each other. I think I have the right to be worried about that seeing as how she cheated on me with her.
My wife absolutely refuses to let her go, even to the point she would let me move out again. I put my foot down and said this time Im not going to be the one to move out, but I dont want to kick her out, because I honestly dont know if she is still with this other girl romantically or not and I really just dont want to lose my wife, she means everything to me.
I tried to tell her that she doesnt even show interest in me anymore or show that she cares, and all I get is sadness from her but no actions.
I also found a small love note from the other girl to my wife in her coat pocket along with a mini card that comes with a bouqet of flowers that has a romantic poem on it. I dont know if these are old, or new. I think they are most likely old, but i'm just really worried about my wife still seeing this other woman. I dont get why she cant let her go. Again thanks for your help, some more advice is needed on the new notes I found and the fact that my wife just wont dump the other girl.
It sounds like your wife has decided to have her cake and eat it too. Maybe she loves both of you and thinks it could work this way? I think you can safely assume that if she's going to keep seeing this girl then she intends to be romantic with her.
Good start by going to counseling. As long as you keep trying to understand and improve yourself, things will get better.
Hi help2008
I too have gone through a similar problems as the ones you have encountered in your relationship. I've come to the conclusion from reading this and other "relationship" forums, that this is all too disturbingly common an issue with couples.
I have chosen to aggressively fight for what I want and need from my Wife, conditioning her behavior with a reward and punishment system that has worked for the most part. It has been very tough though don't kid yourself to thinking things can change in a day, month or even year. I have wanted to give up sometimes, thinking that it might just be easier to let her do whatever she wants but Like you I have a child with this woman and love him more than life it self, mine or anyone else's, so I can't in all good conscience let her jeopardize our family. Some people may argue that no person has the right to tell another person what they should or shouldn't do with their personal lives but I see it different. If your mate is for instance, bad at managing their money to the point of messing up their credit, if you are trying to have a life/future with this person you would and should intervene for the sake of your families future. The same hold true with a person with poor social judgment and or a flawed morals sense, you need to do something before they become totally morally bankrupt and take your family down with them.
In your case, I'm sorry to say that it might be a lost cause if your woman is trying to have her cake and eat it too then that means that your opinions, needs and feeling don't matter and so you have become expendable to her. It's best to start from day one to fight their poor behavior, dangerous social habits, ect. Not to say you should give up, I don't believe a person should ever give up, but you might need to change your game plan and or start preparing for the inevitable.
Like, ljtseng said,
"As long as you keep trying to understand and improve yourself, things will get better."
The operative word in this statement being "your self", that is the only person that you truly can control and change and if you are not strong enough to handle where this road your Wife is taking you and your family down will eventually end, then you should instead focus on healing/strengthening your self so that
it doesn't have to come to "something bad happens".
Trust me, I have contemplated bad things happening if things don't change, but I thought of the consequences for my Son and so I chose to just fight harder, the end will be the same either way, so what do you have to loose, right.
The last two posts state exactly how I've been feeling and thinking. I may have been ignoring those feelings because of what they may lead too. But I think I have good news to tell this time.
Last night my wife woke me upon getting home, as I said before her shift is a night shift and she managed to get off work before 1am last night. So when she woke me she said she had a surprise and something to show and tell me. She said that she thought about how I said that she doesnt care for me anymore, especially if she wouldn't, in a sense "dump" this other girl. She went on to explain that she talked with the other woman and told her that she couldn't be her friend or be around her anymore. That this other woman was causing too many complications in our lives and it is best if she no longer interacted with her at all. My wife showed me that she removed this other girl from her myspace friends and would no longer deal with her online. If I didnt mention before alot of the affairs between them where happening on the website called myspace.
My wife told me that she never wants me to think that she doesnt care about me anymore and just wants our lives to continue together. This has lifted some weight off my shoulders and I havent brought up the notes that I found and think its best to just throw those out now.
I also have to say that by focusing on myself has somehow caught my wifes attention. One of those "she'll want you more, if you pretend to not be interested in her" situations. Now when I'm spending time alone studing or playing with our son, she always wants to join in. The other night we flirted for a while when I was trying to study, she came to me and said that no-one should study alone and that she would like to help by quizzing me. It felt like I was in high school again studing with a girlfriend. I am planning to study alot this weekend in order to set up a test date next week, I hope she comes to me to help and we can have some fun together.
I thank everyone for contributing some info here, and hopefully things get better for us. I'll be back to talk things out as needed, the road is long ahead, but I think I'm ready to take more control over myself and mylife.
I have noone to talk too
The last two posts state exactly how I've been feeling and thinking. I may have been ignoring those feelings because of what they may lead too. But I think I have good news to tell this time. 
