Yesterday I felt we'd made headway in putting back together our relationship. He did too. We had a great morning, talked about a lot of things, connected. We took the kids to a sitter had a nice dinner and went to a movie. We truly enjoyed each other's company.
This morning I woke up with the overwhelming desire to just fix things and I knew I'd push too hard. I just made a promise to myself to let this whole relationship issue just lie for a month and focus on happy times. We were off to a great start but then I started in...I wanted to know really one thing "Fight or fold". Reason is I don't think he is doing a single thing to fix the relationship but does not want to end it and has told me "right now I don't want to work on it either".
I know one thing for certain, right or wrong, emotionally I don't think he can handle it right now. He's never been one to discuss deep feelings but something else is going on and I kept thinking he actually can't do this. I know that if I push harder he'll completely check out. But even so I pushed, I wanted some hope, I guess I wanted him to say something like "as much as I possibly can I'll fight". He did say that but later kind of left it like he'd leave it as it is...I pushed too hard and out the door he went. Now we're talking separation.
Its hell a living hell but I too can't have things this way and even knowing I'd push too hard and drive him away I had to have an answer...any answer. I really get nothing from him unless we have these conversations. Sometimes I wonder does he want me here, is he being polite, or is he enjoying my conversation. He's planning to come back here tonight and then decide if he's going to stay somewhere for awhile.
So if we do separate, what are the rules? Honestly, I've gone awhile now being the only one to fight, loving without feeling love back, and not feeling loved or appreciated. I asked if we do separate does he plan to date "I don't plan to" which also says I don't plan not too.
I really do want to fix this and still believe it can be but I've also got to be realistic. I do know I deserve someone who will be a full partner in a relationship and that loves, respects, and cares about me. I had that but don't feel I do now.
One more confusing thing that has just happened, I know this can be a very vulnerable time and when someone else fills the needs that you have it can be confusing. I've had some self-doubt, is it me? Recently a really nice guy and a very good looking guy ..... and this is all innoncent at this point ... told me he though I was very pretty and showed a lot of interest in me. This started over a mutual interest in photography and I liked the pictures he took. He knows nothing about my situation but he's offering me something I am missing and that is friendship. At first I thought I'd better run away fast but I can't seem to do that. We have not plans to date but he's made it clear he'd like to get to know me better. We are regularly communicating mostly about our shared hobby but he's also asked me a lot about my other interests. I kind of feel unfaithful, but I've done nothing. After all its platonic and he's an ADULT (if you read my other posts, DH has a supposed platonic relationship with an 18 year old neighbor). Also thought about telling DH but then thought that would seem like game playing. I also don't want to give up this friendship that is developing because lately its the only thing that makes me smile. Sad thing is, if DH said I'll do whatever it takes to fix this and that friendship bothered him, I'd give it up. Actually I kind of think if he knew he probably would not care anyway...
I've been reading your post and I know exactly how you feel. In my case, my husband has been trying his best to distance our relationship (of 24 years) for two years now. I know he had an affair. He won't exactly admit to it, nor does he regret the state of our relationship. He moved out five months ago and began dating someone one month afterwards. He denied that too! Counseling was helping then--NOT!
My husband says not to make him decide--divorce or not divorce. He says he's not ready to make the decision. The counselor says not to back him into the corner. I'm not to ask him to decide. Well, I'm not getting any younger. How much longer do you sit in a holding pattern? The opportunity has now come up for me to go out with someone. Do I hold on to hope my husband will become himself again and we'll get our marriage fixed? I know what you mean about it feeling good to have someone show an interest in you and say positive things about you. It's just tough waiting out a decision. We did reach an agreement though. He did agree to go to weekly counseling sessions to work on his issues. Maybe that will help. Now, I'm faced with another decision--to date or not to date. It would be nice to go out and have a good time for a change!
I don't think he is doing a single thing to fix the relationship but does not want to end it...
I completely know how you feel. My husband has screwed up royally in the past. He thinks once things are fine with him that all should be fine and i should just drop all the pain he's caused. He gets angry if i bring up his past indiscretions. On top of that, he does nothing to help the relationship. I, on the other hand, have gone to counseling, bought books, read discussion forums, talk to friends and family, and I try to communicate. I had to pull teeth just to get him to see a counselor, and then he only went for a couple sessions. Some days he really does show improvement and then some days i just want to leave. Its really aggravating on a day to day basis.
I can empathize with the 'friend' situation. I've had a few of them myself in my short three years of marriage. Sometimes i feel guilty about it, but then i remember how aloof my husband is about the pain he's caused me and I feel justified. Probably not real mature, but c'est la vive.
AZMO, I struggle with the perception that the harder you try - the less likely you are to get the outcome you're looking for.
The dynamic of your relationship sounds similar to my own. We consistently share 'moments' of grace and love - but they just don't keep.
I am all for focusing tremendous energy and effort to salvage a damaged relationship. But, there comes a point where you need to honestly evaluate where you are, and determine if the energy and effort expended translates into a more positive, loving, and nurturing marriage. Can you count on your spouse being engaged in the process of reforging love and commitment? For how long? A year? A month? An afternoon?
Deep down, do you believe that you should let this thing go, or keep fighting to stay together - regardless of what 'together' may mean?
Try reading Dobson’s Love must be Tough for some insight and inspiration on not pushing too hard. He concepts are rather radical but in many cases I can see how they could help. Some were helpful to me last summer as our marriage was on the verge of collapse. Also, do not start in a new relationship until you have given your marriage every chance. It would be unfair to all parties involved. You are correct that you are vulnerable and this other guy might be the knight in shining armor. He could also be a huge mistake. If the marriage fails still give yourself the proper amount of time to get your emotions and life under control before you embark on a new relationship. Rebounds rarely work out. Best of luck.
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Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
I say you got out and have a good time. Having dinner with someone does not constitute cheating. You don't have to have a physical relationship, its one date. Go out, see how it makes you feel. Move on with your life you can't live it in a holding pattern. I'm getting to that point, and in our case I am not sure if we are/are not separated. He left last night, came home before dawn. He may or may not sleep away tonight. In my book if we are separated the wedding ring comes off and its ok to have dinner with someone. In terms of a relationship though, one has to be careful of rebound relationships and getting taken advantage of. Go slowly....
I'd be willing and able at this point if he came to me and said he screwed up and wants a fresh start. He'd have to show me he meant it, but I don't know if he ever will do that. He's only 50/50 on whether he wants to continue the marriage. I have told him I deserve to be with someone who is 100% sure. He said "I know". So I guess he's saying he doesn't deserve to be with me then...its how I interpret it. But the more pain he inflicts the less I love him...When he's gone I actually feel better its when he comes back and leaves again that leaves a fresh wound. I know for me I can't do that for too long. My kids deserve better. I also am completely unable to eat at this point, its been 36 hours and I'm just plain unable. I tried. I also am not sleeping well. I honestly think he does not care, he's so locked in his own world...
To answer your questions, I don't know. That's why I've been unwilling yet to make the next step. The only answer I do know, is I don't want THIS marriage. The way it is now. I'm not one who will settle and say no matter what just as long as we stay married. I deserve/want better than this. I want a man who will fight for me (I mean that in the sense of he'll put me first), caring, loving, committed, loving, and is good for my children. Right now my husband is not any of these so no I don't want this marriage. I've backed off, I'm not going to try. If he decides he wants to fix it then I'll be his partner. Part of me thinks because I try so hard and I am here, he feels he can deal out the emotional abuse and I will take it. He should know me better than that, because I will for a time but that time is almost over. That doesn't mean our marriage is over, but I think I've come to the point of having the courage to asking him to leave. Right now he's decided to pop in and out at will. How fair is that to me, its actually pretty cruel. Last night he left with only the clothes on his back, a phone, and a loaded .45 with the words "I'll see you in the morning". I was so scared I ran after him, and then I didn't know how to ask if he planned to kill himself. When I stopped him, I just said "you have the pistol" and he said "you don't have to worry about THAT. I would never do THAT. Not even close. Its for my own protection." So how did he know what was on my mind unless it was on his. I stayed up all night wondering if the police might call....he deliberately let me know he brought the .45 so did he intend to inflict that kind of pain on me???? So confused. Also I would not rule it out at this point, he's unpredictable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deejo
AZMO, I struggle with the perception that the harder you try - the less likely you are to get the outcome you're looking for.
The dynamic of your relationship sounds similar to my own. We consistently share 'moments' of grace and love - but they just don't keep.
I am all for focusing tremendous energy and effort to salvage a damaged relationship. But, there comes a point where you need to honestly evaluate where you are, and determine if the energy and effort expended translates into a more positive, loving, and nurturing marriage. Can you count on your spouse being engaged in the process of reforging love and commitment? For how long? A year? A month? An afternoon?
Deep down, do you believe that you should let this thing go, or keep fighting to stay together - regardless of what 'together' may mean?
Pushing too hard...drove him away
