Confused about my engagement...

BlueStars · 07-28-2008, 12:30 AM

I found this board and am hoping to gain a little insight on how I should approach this problem.

I have been dating my fiance since I was 19. He proposed this past November, right after our 6 year anniversary. We were rather young when we met, but we have weathered many problems. We also did have some periods where we did long distance or were not together due to various reasons.

Wedding planning did not go smoothly. My father agreed to pay for the wedding, however generous, our relationship has always been rocky and after some very mean things he said to me, we are no longer speaking. That was the first "downer" on our wedding. Then we decided to elope. All I hear are negative comments from everyone, and I know that our parents are both upset about this decision. As much as we'd like to include my mother and his parents, we feel that we would have to extend an invitation to my father & his wife - and we don't want to include them.

In the midst of all of this, I am just feeling very nervous/anxious about everything wedding related. Right now, I am not totally sure I want to get married. I can't determine whether this is a gut feeling really telling me the relationship is not right? Or is this all a reaction to the complicated issues with my father?

I do love my fiance. We have shared goals and hopes for our lives. We mesh very well. Sometimes I do think he is more passionate about me than I am about him though. Sometimes I feel that *spark* is gone in our relationship and we are more best friends than lovers.

When we go out together, we have a wonderful time. We are affectionate toward each other and really enjoy each other's company. At home, alone, we are actually slightly more distant from each other. He sort of does his own thing, I do mine. When I am apart from him is when the most amount of doubt creeps into my mind and I wonder whether or not this is right.

I don't know how to make heads or toes out of my feelings. Has anyone else experienced any sort of anxiety/second guessing like this? I would greatly appreciate any words of advice, and I thank you in advance for reading this post.

BlueStars · 07-28-2008, 12:37 AM

Can I also add that I have always had sort of mixed feelings on marriage... my parents had a very, very nasty divorce. Separated when I was very young, waited to divorce (don't know why...) and then the actual legal issues went on for years and only just recently wrapped up. I'd say between the separation and final court date it was like 15 years. And within my extended family of aunts and uncles (with whom I am very close), there have been an additional 7 divorces.

I don't know if this all plays into my current issues with maybe thinking I shouldn't be getting married. I just don't know how to make sense of any of my feelings right now.

Blanca · 07-28-2008, 02:05 AM

I can certainly relate to the difficult family situation. My DH and I just eloped. I never wanted the big wedding thing. too much planning, money, and time. Plus his mom and brother dont like me (that's an understatement), my mom is super religious and didnt like that i wasnt getting married her way, my sisters were already telling me how my wedding should be, and on top of that my dad passed away when i was a kid and i didnt know how i would handle not having him there. i didnt want to make mine and mine and my DH's day about his family and my family. I wanted it to just be about us. Ironically some of my friends were more offended that I eloped. My mom was a little hurt, his brother was offended, but all in all everything worked out and the day was about my DH and me.

I would say though that if you are not ready to get married dont do it. What's the rush? My sister just turned down her boyfriends marriage proposal. They're still together and what's the big difference? Married or not their relationship is the same.

Your situation sounds so similar to what any long term relationship goes through. When me and my DH are at home, he does his thing and i do mine. We really don't talk that much. what's to say when you've been living together for so long. The spark in our sex life was dwindling to non existent for awhile. being married really has nothing to do with it. its just the cycle any long relationship goes through. if you leave your guy and start a new relationship of course it will be new and exciting. But odds are you will come across the same issues you are having now with any long term relationship.

-lj

Amplexor · 07-28-2008, 08:50 AM

If you are having these serious doubts about marring him now is the time to address it directly with him. It sounds like the relationship has a lot of good points but some issues also. Before you wed both of you need to be as sure as possible that this is a good match that has an excellent chance of being a good marriage for your both….. forever.