Help: on the verge of divorce

LIZ · 07-28-2008, 05:07 PM

My husband and I are currently living with his parents in an attempt to save money to buy a house. My problem is that I can’t stand to live there anymore. Since we’ve been living there my husband and I have been fighting over different issues. The main concern that I have is that his mother has demanded that as long as we are at her house she will handle our savings. She has our savings account under her name and I have no access to. She made this demand to my husband in private, and what hurt me the most was the he agreed to it without even discussing it with me. I’ve talked to him about it, but he sees nothing wrong. He says his mother is only trying to help us. I still think that we should handle our own finances and savings. This situation makes me feel like my husband doesn’t think I’m capable of handling our money. I finally gave him an ultimatum: we move out immediately from this parents and rent or I’m done with the marriage. He decided that it was the best decision for us to continue with the current arrangement. And won’t even consider setting a move out date. He said we are staying there...not matter how long it takes to buy a house. He says this is the smart decision and he is going to continue with this plan with me or without me. I told him I was leaving and that I would give him some time to think things over and to call me when he was willing to comprise. He flat out told me he wouldn’t be calling me. I have left him and gone back to my parents until I decide what to do next. I’m so hurt and confuse. I feel that I’m not a priority in his life and that he does what his mother tells him to keep her happy. It’s been two days since I left and he hasn’t call. How much time should I give him to think about this situation, before I take the next step: divorce?

827Aug · 07-28-2008, 06:09 PM

Hi Liz!

I don't know that I can offer anymore advice. You are handling the situation better than I would! I'm behind you 100%. How long have you been married? Your husband has some real nerve. And talk about a meddling mother-in-law...

LIZ · 07-28-2008, 06:45 PM

We just celebrated our 1st anniversary on the 14th of this month. I'm so sad.

stumped · 07-28-2008, 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LIZ

My husband and I are currently living with his parents in an attempt to save money to buy a house. My problem is that I can’t stand to live there anymore. Since we’ve been living there my husband and I have been fighting over different issues. The main concern that I have is that his mother has demanded that as long as we are at her house she will handle our savings. She has our savings account under her name and I have no access to. She made this demand to my husband in private, and what hurt me the most was the he agreed to it without even discussing it with me. I’ve talked to him about it, but he sees nothing wrong. He says his mother is only trying to help us. I still think that we should handle our own finances and savings. This situation makes me feel like my husband doesn’t think I’m capable of handling our money. I finally gave him an ultimatum: we move out immediately from this parents and rent or I’m done with the marriage. He decided that it was the best decision for us to continue with the current arrangement. And won’t even consider setting a move out date. He said we are staying there...not matter how long it takes to buy a house. He says this is the smart decision and he is going to continue with this plan with me or without me. I told him I was leaving and that I would give him some time to think things over and to call me when he was willing to comprise. He flat out told me he wouldn’t be calling me. I have left him and gone back to my parents until I decide what to do next. I’m so hurt and confuse. I feel that I’m not a priority in his life and that he does what his mother tells him to keep her happy. It’s been two days since I left and he hasn’t call. How much time should I give him to think about this situation, before I take the next step: divorce?

Ok wow I can see how you would be uspet over the savings account thing and his Mom controlling it. But do you think giving him an ultimatium and being nasty about it is the best way to handle it?

Did you ever sit down and RATIONALLY tell your husband how it made you feel that he agreed to let his Mom control the savings account without consulting you? And how it made you feel that he had no trust in you handling it?

Men do not react well to ultimatiums and I am afraid that you may have made a bad decision giving him one. You are ultimatley asking him to choose you or his family and that is a hard pill to swallow.

It might also be helpful to talk to his mother...women can sometimes be understanding but it has to be a RATIONAL talk and not a demanding arguement.

Just my opinion.

Amplexor · 07-29-2008, 08:18 AM

I’d say stick you your guns. He is controlled by his mother and she is making it clear she holds the cards. Break the cycle now or you are likely to see this behavior through out your marriage. As far as how much time to give it, I don’t know. You know the situation best but I’d say at least a few weeks. If he still doesn’t contact you then he is showing very little respect for your place in his life. Have you tried to reach out to him? Good luck.

Blanca · 07-31-2008, 10:56 AM

You might have made a mistake by leaving if you werent positive youd be OK with never coming back. dont worry though. its normal to throw out unrealistic ultimatums in a situation where you feel so helpless so suddenly. believe me ive left my husband plenty of times. you might have lost a battle, but that doesnt mean the war is over

....unless of course you want it to be.

if you do decide to go back, or live separately, maybe your best solution would be to go about this in a round about manner. he obviously has very poor boundaries. perhaps you two could do a boundaries workbook together (Boundaries in Marriage by Dr.Cloud and Townsend is what i do with my husband)?