General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I'm confused. The great debate currently got started when dncrt responded to a thread started by KC10Chief in 2008. KC10Chief hasn't even participated in this discussion since July 2008. Are the recent posts in response to KC10Chief or dncrt?!
And for the record, how well a person keeps house is subjective. It is one's own opinion. This very topic was in Florida court several years ago. Department of Children & Family removed some children from a home because of the lack of housekeeping. The state lost that case and the children were returned to their family. The judge ruled that cleanliness of a house is subjective. The children were well cared for and had food. In addition, they were healthy.
If you choose to be a stay at home spouse THAT is your job. Dishes piled in the sink is not only nasty - it is setting a TERRIBLE example for your kids. Choosing not to do dishes, laundry etc. is dysfunctional.
I totally agree that there is a big emotional component to a marriage. And he hasn't really addressed that piece. However, to have a functional marriage each person needs to do a certain amount of work. And some of it isn't fun. Bet you there are aspects to his job he dislikes, but he does what needs to be done so his wife and kids are provided for.
Why does getting angry at a lazy spouse make him a bad husband?
What is it that he has said/done that makes you think he "deserves" her?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Susan2010
I'm not sure where get that from. He sounds very motivated, likes to achieve goals and financially provide for his family. Okay, maybe a good guy for general intents and purposes, but as terrible a husband as she is his wife. Almost sounds like they deserve each other.
C'mon Mem. You don't know how badly she keeps house. No one would take her children because the laundry needs to be washed, and a judge only knows what he tells them, so he wouldn't get custody for that reason. Perhaps for some other reason, but he probably wouldn't get custody anyway. But let's assume she keeps house as badly as you think. Divorce court has nothing to do with that. The children would be taken away by Child Protective Services if he called them on his wife (or ex wife as it were). Who would put their own children through that? I hope no one.
827,
Those are fair points. Please don't tell me you are defending her behavior?
Quote:
Originally Posted by 827Aug
I'm confused. The great debate currently got started when dncrt responded to a thread started by KC10Chief in 2008. KC10Chief hasn't even participated in this discussion since July 2008. Are the recent posts in response to KC10Chief or dncrt?!
And for the record, how well a person keeps house is subjective. It is one's own opinion. This very topic was in Florida court several years ago. Department of Children & Family removed some children from a home because of the lack of housekeeping. The state lost that case and the children were returned to their family. The judge ruled that cleanliness of a house is subjective. The children were well cared for and had food. In addition, they were healthy.
827,
Those are fair points. Please don't tell me you are defending her behavior?
Cleanliness is subjective. I have not seen her housekeeping and therefore have no opinion. Besides both men had to have known about their wives housekeeping skills (& tendencies) BEFORE they married them.
Getting back to my original point; whose issues are we referring to? KC10Chief or dncrt? Obviously this problem hasn't been bothering KC10Chief any longer--he hasn't posted in nearly 2 years!
I am unsure what ever happened to the original poster, but I seem to be in the very same situation. Understand I am also a big believer in Love is Patient Love is Kind.... 1 Cor 13
However, how patient can someone be?
I myself work fulltime we have 1 beautiful daughter and my wife lost her Mom in 2006 and Dad in 2008 (So yes depression was there, but it has been 2 years and no I have not lost my parents, so I have not walked those shoes, but I know others who have and they function). She does not work, so I really believe that house work including pick the house up, dishes, laundry should be done around the house. We have been to marriage counciling (sp) and I have picked up, cleaned up to hear promises that it will stay clean only to find it back the way it was in less than 2 weeks.
I do agree with the post on sitting down and telling my wife that to show me love and respect is to provide a house of order and a hot meal. (which I have not seen in about 3 weeks and the time before the last hot meal that maybe 1 day a week if I am lucky).
She also has a brand new car (did I forget to mention, my story sounds very much like the person of the original post?), except I married her because when dating she had an apartment of her own and it was never a mess as our house is now.
I am simply almost to the point to just move out and get a place down the road, to show that I am serious, but again that is a big financial and potientially devistating to our child.
Let me close with a story...
This past week our daughter started pre-k. She has to be their at 9:00 AM. So I leave for work with both of them in bed. I kiss my wife good bye and leave for work at 7:45AM. I start calling at 8:00 till 8:30 to our house phone and her cell phone. After 30 minutes of calling the phone it is finally answered. Not by my wife, but our 4 year old daughter. In turn, I tell her to wake Mommy up. She finally gets her up and all I say is "Suzanne!". What the F#$%? Why am I responsible for being an alarm clock as well...
Closed "Fed Up With the Laziness"... 4 hours of total alone time my wife gets a day to be at home. Can't you can spend an 1 hour per day to get the house straight then it stays that way....
As a practical matter, what are the odds of her having a decent rewarding career as a dependant of an active duty airman? Maybe it's different in the Army, but we moved about every 2-3 years and most of my active duty career was spent overseas. If she wants to go where you go, she's going to have to change jobs frequently and there aren't loads of promotions waiting for people who change jobs every 2 years. She's not an idiot, so what's the point of getting a college degree at this point in your career? She's going to land some great management job only to quit in a few months?
As far as the house cleaning goes, that's a different issue. Was she neat and tidy before you met her? You mentioned that you wouldn't have married her if she hadn't gotten pregnant with your child. Could it be that you feel trapped in a marriage you didn't want and even if the house were spotless, you'd still feel angry and resentful? If she made 6 figures and the house was constantly show ready, it wouldn't change the fact that you felt basically forced into marrying her. If she knows you wouldn't have married her had she not been pregnant, she may not feel loved or motivated to do much for you. She has to know that if you're in this thing only for the kids, the second they leave home, you're out of there and she's alone.
As a practical matter, what are the odds of her having a decent rewarding career as a dependant of an active duty airman? Maybe it's different in the Army, but we moved about every 2-3 years and most of my active duty career was spent overseas. If she wants to go where you go, she's going to have to change jobs frequently and there aren't loads of promotions waiting for people who change jobs every 2 years. She's not an idiot, so what's the point of getting a college degree at this point in your career? She's going to land some great management job only to quit in a few months?
As far as the house cleaning goes, that's a different issue. Was she neat and tidy before you met her? You mentioned that you wouldn't have married her if she hadn't gotten pregnant with your child. Could it be that you feel trapped in a marriage you didn't want and even if the house were spotless, you'd still feel angry and resentful? If she made 6 figures and the house was constantly show ready, it wouldn't change the fact that you felt basically forced into marrying her. If she knows you wouldn't have married her had she not been pregnant, she may not feel loved or motivated to do much for you. She has to know that if you're in this thing only for the kids, the second they leave home, you're out of there and she's alone.
I believe you are posting in response to the original poster, KC10Chief. This poster hasn't been active in a very long time. However, since that time others have come along and chimed in they had a similar problem. These newcomers are actually seeking advice. It is leading to confusion. And most recently NoRecord has posted with similar issues--clearly different circumstances than KC10Chief.
NoRecord could get much better advice if he would start a new thread.
To make it easier on the kids , be respectfull towards your spouse , even if you dont approve of her . Because they love you both .
When I was a kid my Mom always bad-mouthed my Dad , and that made me feel soo bad because he was My Dad ,you know kinda like if anybody says anything bad about your best friend you feel like they said something bad about you ...
If her sister, her brother-in-law, and her parents were all the same way, I'd say it's simply the way she's been raised. Although, in her defense, I hate laundry and if it were up to me, all the clothes in the world would be able to tolerate being washed, dried and tossed in a pile somewhere.
In all seriousness, you've tried to talk to her and she just blows up at you. There's not much you can do when you're gone for weeks/months at a time, but maybe while you are home, you could do some cleaning up and maybe it will guilt her into keeping it clean? I know it makes more work for you, especially since you're already working to support the entire family, but hopefully you wouldn't have to do it for long.
You also mention your 10 yr old son. He could start doing some chores around the house; that would take some of the pressure of both you and your wife, and it would do him some good to learn how to handle some things around the house. Plus, again, seeing him do what she should be doing might guilt her into doing more.
Although it kind of seems extreme to want to divorce her over it, I can kind of understand the feeling. But I'd try to work it out with her again before you resort to that.
You really have a way of looking into people's reactions/actions and when they might be feeling and what they might do. I don't have this kind of insight. I don't know if you're right about that particular marital problem, but you made me think about people's ways.
I'm in the exact same situation as some of the men that posted about their lazy, unmotivated wifes.
My wife does suffer from depression and bi-polar. I try and do my best to be patient realize what real and what is not. It's not always easy to do so. I can tell you that Ive seen my wife use her depression and bi-polar as excuses for everything. She also comes from a family where he dad is a millionare and always gave her and her sister everything. They barely had to work, always had maids, always had their bills paid for (they still do), never had to worry about money or really working. Knowing this, is this of any coincidence? My wifes kids are the same as her. They never want to help, dont do well in school, never take anything seriously, never really leave the house, etc. They are carbon copies of my wife.
She will work then all of a sudden feel like she can or doesnt want to work anymore. When she's working her motivation is 10 times what it usually is. All if a sudden she feels overwhelmed and...well, here we go again. So, I try and remember she suffers from this or that and try and at least understand. But, its getting old! Laundry wont get done, shopping wont get done, kids will have to cook for themselfs, I rarely get breakfast, lunch or dinner unless I cook for myself and everyone else.
Im as motivated as the next person and even dug us out of 50K in debt. I now try and tell her we are debt free and all we have to do is work and we will see our retirement happen before we know it. Instead of it exciting her it turns into this new pressure thing. Its just silly.
Anyways, I do love her and her dad sends her money. So, at least that part is taken care off. Now If I could just get her excited to live life.
Women are not motivated when they don't feel loved. I didn't get a "loving" feeling in your post. Women give up when they feel that you have gave up on them. It appears you both are resentful in your marriage. Money doesn't solve issues either.
A person would feel angry if they had provided financially and it was taken for granted. I understand this...but I would stop providing it without boundaries. She has become to "dependent" on you. I agree with Mitchzz (right on the nose)!
LOL at all the women chiming in that the problem is that he doesn't love her enough.
If it was a man that couldn't hold a job for more than two months while he leeched off the wife and couldn't clean the house worth a damn when he was home all day, they would all want his head on a platter.
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I agree.
OP sounds a good husband to me too. and I think he wants to divorce her not just because she's lazy and unmotivated, it's because her attitude--she refuses to be a better person. I do not think such a person is welcomed anywhere, at least I dont like them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363
If you choose to be a stay at home spouse THAT is your job. Dishes piled in the sink is not only nasty - it is setting a TERRIBLE example for your kids. Choosing not to do dishes, laundry etc. is dysfunctional.
I totally agree that there is a big emotional component to a marriage. And he hasn't really addressed that piece. However, to have a functional marriage each person needs to do a certain amount of work. And some of it isn't fun. Bet you there are aspects to his job he dislikes, but he does what needs to be done so his wife and kids are provided for.
Why does getting angry at a lazy spouse make him a bad husband?
What is it that he has said/done that makes you think he "deserves" her?
Re: Lazy, Unmotivated Wife 
