My wife and I are about to have our 10 year wedding anniversary in a few days. When we got married, we were both 19 years old, and had a 4 month old baby. He's 10 years old now. We also have a 2 year old daughter.
Anyways, I am facing some serious issues here. Ever since we got married, I have always been the primary money maker. I also put myself through college. Full time for four years while working. I'm active duty Air Force by the way. It was tough going to school while working and raising a family. But I now have a job that I absolutely love.
My wife on the other hand, has had a few jobs here and there, and taken a few college classes. At the jobs she's had, she always winds up getting fired or quits. She always has an excuse which is obviously a made up story. It usually boils down to a personal problem that she had with somebody that worked there. Since we've been married, I can't think of ANY job that she held for more than two months. It just blows my mind. When it comes to college classes, she drops half of them. She only takes one or two at a time. She has NEVER gone out and done any of the work to get a job, or get enrolled in school. I make enough money to support us, and put her through school. It's not like I make a LOT of money, but I always find a way to get things done. I encourage her all the time, but unless I do all of the footwork myself, she would never enroll in school or get a job. So obviously, I am half of the problem here, as I have enabled this behavior for years. Hindsight is always 20/20 though.
So, since she's usually not working, I would expect that things would get done around the house. I work a LOT sometimes. However, I come home, and nothing has been done. Dishes are piled up, laundry is piled up and the house is in disarray. Half the time, she's asleep on the couch. Sometimes, I'll let it go for a few days and see what happens, but I can't stand it any more. So, I'll ask her about it and start complaining. She usually gets mad and throws a tantrum and goes and does the dishes or something. Laundry is NEVER done. It is either on the couch, in the washer, in the dryer, or piled up on the bed. If she piles it on the bed, she just shoves it on the floor when she goes to bed. Then, our incredibly hairy cat lays all over it and it just needs to be washed again. It amazes me that she is still thin and hasn't put on any weight. She doesn't do a whole lot.
Before anybody asks, she HAS been evaluated for depression. She was kind of depressed when her mom died last year, but this has been going on for years. The doctor said that nothing is wrong with her. My wife also says that she's not depressed. So, I can't figure out what the deal is. Any time I confront her about it, she blows up into a rage. I NEVER scream or even raise my voice. I am extremely laid back and don't let a lot of things bother me. But this nonsense is really bothering me. But any time I try to talk to her about it, she doesn't even let me get a point across. She just starts screaming and crying, and sometimes, will drive off like a maniac in her car.
I'm going to be 30 years old next month. I have always been faithful to her, treated her with respect, provided for her and the kids, never once abused her physically or mentally, I don't run around drinking, or get in trouble and I'm very responsible. I have my faults like anybody else, but I definitely have my head on straight for the most part. I also try to be a good, responsible father to my kids. Honestly, they are the only reason I am still married. Had I not had kids, I wouldn't have gotten married in the first place. I don't want them to grow up in a broken home and I would hate the thought of not being able to see them every night.
I realize that I have totally enabled this behavior from the beginning. I just kept digging that hole so to speak. I do everything for her when it comes to school, work, etc. It's like pulling teeth to get her to do anything around the house. I have to get her angry in order to get her to clean anything up or cook or whatever. She drives a brand new car and I drive an old S-10. Again, I enabled her. I can fix anything on any car. I wouldn't have bought the new car, but I'm away from home for weeks and sometimes months at a time. I didn't want my kids to be rolling around in some beater. If it broke down, even a flat tire, she just can't deal with it.
Anyways, I kind of wanted to vent a bit, but I also want to hear from others who are, or have been in the same boat I'm in. What did you do? I don't think I can take this stuff much longer. Nothing I do or suggest, seems to work. It might have a temporary effect, but I think she needs a cold, hard reality shock. I would have absolutely no qualms about doing this, but I'm worried about my kids. Without me, she has nowhere to go. Her mom is dead, and her dad is a jerk. I'm worried she might move in with her sister, who is even worse than she is. I can't afford two residences that's for sure. My main concern, is my kids. I'm not worried about my stuff, or my money. She could have it as far as I'm concerned. I can replace all of that. I don't think she would give me any trouble about custody. She cares about the kids a lot and I don't think that she would deny them the right to their father, and I wouldn't do that either. I'm just worried about what kind of environment they would be in if I weren't around. So, for those of you who have been in similar situations, please share your experiences. Any little bit of advice or insight will help. I know what needs to be done. I'm just curious how to go about doing it with the least pain for my kids. Thanks for your thoughts.
First, you sound like a terrific guy! You have accomplished much. It's just awful you don't have an equally motivated wife.
Although I don't have any personal experience in this area, I'll take a shot at it. When you mentioned her sister was the same way or even worse, that's a flag to me. Perhaps there is something from their childhood that's causing problems. Is her sister married? How does her sister's husband deal with all of the issues? I was thinking you might could talk to your broth-in-law for moral support, if the two of you are close enough. In addition, I think your wife would be well served by counseling. Since she is so unmotivated, she probably won't last at that either. So to keep her motivated you might try going as a couple and see where that takes you.
Honestly, they are the only reason I am still married. Had I not had kids, I wouldn't have gotten married in the first place. I don't want them to grow up in a broken home and I would hate the thought of not being able to see them every night.
You sound like a very good guy who has done well for his family. But it sounds like you never loved your wife. I'm wondering if your wife ever really loved you, and if she did, if she's now realizing that you never loved her.
I also suffer from lack of motivation. My husband works really hard at a job he loves. I dont always get laundry done, I've been fired and quit jobs, struggle with school, and am not always the person or the wife i wish i could be.
Your wife's emotional explosions tell me something is very wrong. she's really angry. No one likes to be a sloth and get nothing done all day. I know from personal experience. I dont like it when i've failed myself or my husband. I get angry at myself and frustrated that i cant do any better.
When im going through periods that my motivation is at an all time low, I tell my husband. i apologize and let him know i'll try harder. But if i dont trust my husband, if i dont think he loves me, i get angry, i lash out, and i withdraw.
Honestly i find it odd that you would think to divorce your wife over something as trivial as the laundry not getting done, or cat hair on clothes. I feel sorry for you wife because i know how she must feel. She's sounds miserable, frustrated, and lonely.
Thanks for the replies! My wife's sister is 27 years old, has never had a drivers license, no job, and her house is so disgusting, I won't even allow my kids to go over there. She still drives around all over town with no license or insurance on their car. I just can't believe that she doesn't get caught. I can't relate to her husband because he's the same way. This behavior and their filthy house seems to be okay with him.
I don't think my wife or her sister had a traumatic childhood or anything. They were both close to their parents. But they were slobs too. My mother in law died last September, and the problems my wife has with her dad now, stem from that. He was seeing somebody else as she was dying.
Anyways, my wife's behavior around the house or towards me hasn't changed due to any of that. This was going on long before any of the stuff with her parents happened.
To the second reply, I don't really know what to say about that. I have never given my wife anything to be angry about. You say that it's silly to get a divorce over laundry not being done and stuff like that. It goes a little deeper than that for me. I have worked really hard to improve our situation. I work hard all the time. When I come home, I take care of stuff around the house like mowing, fixing things, and I'm always doing something. I have provided a nice, comfortable living for my family. I encourage her to do something with her life. Instead, when she lays around on the couch all day instead of doing ANYTHING AT ALL to help out around the house or contribute to our marriage somehow.... to me, that's like a big F you to our wedding vows. It's insulting. I should not have to totally support another adult because they are lazy. If she were sick or something, that's different. But she's perfectly capable of helping me out, and she doesn't. She doesn't apologize for anything, won't ever listen to me without blowing up in my face, and won't get help. I mean, what other options do I have? Continue to put up with it? I'm sick of it.
I think you answered the question bothering me. Your wife was obviously conditioned at an early age to be a slob and lack motivation. That's going to be hard to break and you have already been so supportive of her. It's kind of like watching the TV show, Clean House. After a few episodes of the show, one can clearly see a pattern develop. Heck over half of the people living on my road are just like your wife's sister. And that has been going on for several generations now. You might try counseling. I wish the best for you.
Believe me i completely understand that you are sick of your wife not acting like a responsible adult. And you have every right to be upset. I'm pretty sure we all have things we are sick of our spouses doing, or not doing.
You also keep saying she has nothing to be angry at you for. That may or may not be true, but that's not really for you to decide.
I think its like you said, that this is much deeper then being about laundry, etc. Do you two do anything romantic together? Do you talk at all about anything other then this issue?
I really dont think you are unjustified in being upset with her. But because you feel such strong resentment towards her and she is obviously really angry, there is definitely much more going on.
i agree that these things stem from childhood.
clean house dirty house.
ok we can all turn out different to our parents or become the same.
personally i came from homes that were organized and clean .
but a few ppl i know live in their own mess. and they dont change.
i dont think everything can be blamed on depression.
but she seems to blame u an awful lot, by the way she speaks to you.
i actually believe this to be resentment.
you are committed and u work and she does not have an ounce of your stamina or worth. so what does she do, she criticises you in the only way she can do, and thats putting you down.
your children are the primal concern here .
what do you want for them.
your wife unless you really go for the change factor will not change,
i think you should shock her.
you actually sound from your mail, a little walked over.
you have to take control of that. its like she frightens you, you are quite timid around her.
thats her control over you.
the shock comes into play, when you stand up to her and tell her to make up her mind.
there is only so much you wil and can take and you wil take it no more. either she bucks her ideas up or your going.
Ok, I read this book not too long ago called the 5 love languages. Reading your post you and her fit right smack into the book. To you providing for the family and being a family man is how you show love, but how you feel loved is by her doing things not because she has to but because she cares enough too. Her on the other hand doesnt seem to be motivated or understand that this is what makes you feel loved and respected because she doesnt see love the same way. She is probably one that wants to hear positive words and words of praise for the things she has and does do. If you both could understand what these things are then you can learn to work with them and most likely you will come home to a cleaner house and dinner cooked and a much happier wife.
1. marriage counselling
2. hire a maid
3. get rid of the cat
4. insist on a productive attitude out of your wife
5. tell her what are deal killers for you
6. tell her the price of ignoring them
7. listen to what her wants and needs are
8. if she hates housework, ask what work she is willing to do, then insist she do it
8. did I mention getting rid of the cat and hiring a maid?
BTW, inadequate people are angry around productive people. it puts them in a bad light that the y do not want.
BTW II, if she is depressed or having some kind of mental problem, that could explain the vegging. Get that evaluated.
Lazy, Unmotivated Wife
We also have a 2 year old daughter. 
