827Aug

My husband and I separated almost five months ago. He says he doesn't know if he wants a divorce. He also says he doesn't know if he wants to save our marriage. His answer to everything is "I don't know". Although we work together every day, he seems to be growing more distant as time goes by. We tried going to counseling together and got no where. We've got separate counselors now--he starts his individual sessions this week.

He had an affair. He says there had to be a problem with our marriage for him to do that. He blames me for that. In addition, he has picked my entire personality apart and has a problem with even my smallest flaws. It's as though he is searching for reasons to make our marriage fail! He says he still loves me but doesn't think we could ever live together again. However, I still love him, and I am willing to forgive him.

We've got some big decisions to make regarding our business. For me to make any decisions now, I need to know where we are going. I have read the advice given on a couple of other threads--bacically the more we push for a decision the more distant we make our spouse. Right now this is a huge problem. Every time I try to talk to my husband he gets more distant. He says that's why he is going to counseling. He wants to know why he is pushing himself away from me. What advice does everyone have? How do I cope with this? Does anyone get this resolved (especially when the spouse has been gone this long)?

dscowgirl

Your situation is similar to mine. We have been apart now for 3 months. He has a new girl but everyone we know says its a fling, he talks to her bad and is basically using her for a free ride to play. A family member told me us as women want to talk and rationalize everything and tell them how we feel. Guys don't think like that. Give him his space, dont call him for a while. Make him miss you. Deep down in their hearts they know who was true and who really cares for them. In my situation my husband blamed our problems on a bunch of little things, it was a screen to cover his own faults that led to an affair. Everyone on here has told me to focus on myself, be with close friends and family. It has been the hardest thing to not talk to him or even text him. I honestly feel that these guys know our true feelings, they just have to come to their senses on what may be fun isn't really what they want. Not sure if this helps but it helps to talk to others...

hitrockbottom

I have a few questions!

Did you say anything when he blamed you for his affair? Or when he picked apart your personality?

As for his affair...yes maybe there was a problem with your marriage, but that doesn't make it your fault. You didn't put the two of them together..

My situation for example. Huge problem in my wife and our marriage..I realized that(after about a month of talking) I talked to her...it wasn't the lack of communication or lack of sex that caused me to have the one night stand...It was my lack of selfrespect and the fact that I was Angry at her...I think counseling would help the both of you..

dscowgirl

He hasn't contacted me in a week. I have given him his space. I would go to counseling but I don't really think he is going to go for it. Right now he is having fun with her and using her money. He ran from responsibility and he is being single right now. Not sure how to approach that. He is out of town till later this week from what I know. So I may just wait until he calls. He will either call to BS or call to arrange to get his stuff. He had said something to that effect last we spoke. I wish he would wake up.

dscowgirl

He didn't blame me for the affair but he did blame other little things on our problems and why he left. A screen seems to me. All in all I feel he got scared, didn't want the responsibilty of a family anymore, I have three kids, (prior marraige) and he wanted to go have fun. What do you mean about picking apart my personality?

dscowgirl

Sorry yall. Didn't mean to put in my own questions in your post.. thought it was the original person posting back....

827Aug

I'm sure I did say something when my husband blamed me for his affair and picked me apart. I honestly don't remeber what I told him about the affair. I think I told him he couldn't blame me for the affair. He made that decision. As far as picking me apart, I had plenty to say on that topic. That was in front of the counselor too. After he went thru his list of eight petty things, he got to Item 9. Item #9--Like of Self-Esteem. Anyway, I couldn't pass up the comment to that one. I said," after an extensive list like that one, who would have any self-esteem left?"

Today was just awful at work. All of the playing and money spending has just about ended our business. Yes, he is focused on the business now, but it's a little late. I think we are going to have to close unless a miracle happens. Unfortunately, I believe if that occurs our marriage hopes will end as well. I think he will see himself as a failure and distance himself even more. And my crying isn't helping. The business and this marriage together are more than I can possibly cope with. My lack of coping skills was on his infamous list too. However, my counselor says no one could possibly cope with everything he has piled on me.