General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I'm very upset with MY HUSBAND. I've barely spoken to him in the past few days. I feel like I don't want to be married to him anymore if we are going to be dealing with the issue of his FRIEND over and over again. When I say we have a looooooong history with this particular FRIEND, I mean a looooooong history. It's so much that I can't even write it all down. I believe he was also a source of contention in MY HUSBAND's first marriage.
My problem started with him when we were dating because when he was married, he only connected with MY HUSBAND every once in a while, but when he got divorced, all hell broke loose. He wanted MY HUSBAND to be at his beck and call and hang out all the time, going to strip clubs and bars to "hang out". He would always use MY HUSBAND to get women for him because he's "shy" and doesn't know how to talk to them. As MY HUSBAND's girlfriend, I didn't feel I had a right to keep to tell him to set boundaries with him, but once we got serious, I told him my concerns and he backed up a little bit, but not much. It got to the point where, he and MY HUSBAND went to a concert one night and brought, not one, but two women, back to the house. He told me, "I didn't know ya'll were still together", although I was just at the house hanging out with MY HUSBAND the night before. When we were dating, I felt like I was competing with this FRIEND and sometimes, I feel like MY HUSBAND allows his FRIEND to show disrespect to me so I don't place the blame all on him.
Anyway, that's just one scenario while were dating. The bigger problem came when we got married and we had a get together at the house. The whole family was there. I invited one of my long time friends who had just gotten separated from her husband. She asked me specifically if there would be any single men at the house because she really didn't feel like being bothered. I told her no. Well, FRIEND shows up, and he decides he wants to try to flirt with her. I told him she didn't want to be bothered and he went off on me in front of everyone, including MY HUSBAND's parents. MY HUSBAND was in the other room or outside or something, but someone went to get him and his father told him he needed to tell FRIEND to leave for disrespecting me. His dad thinks FRIEND is gay because he's always running behind MY HUSBAND like a lost puppy. Anyway, from that moment, I told MY HUSBAND I didn't want FRIEND around anymore. That was the last straw. And I mentioned to him what his dad said and how he felt about it and he said that nothing like that was going on.
For a while, things were quiet. FRIEND started dating someone and even talked about marriage. I would hear a little bit from MY HUSBAND every now and then, but he knew I really had no interest in anything that had to do with FRIEND. But just recently, the girl decided that she didn't want to be with FRIEND anymore and then all hell broke loose again. Now, he's calling almost every day and invites him to "hang out". He has absolutely no respect for me or the institution of marriage and MY HUSBAND allows that. When he came over Friday, he basically busts in the door, with no regard for me, and tells MY HUSBAND, let's go get something to eat because I'm hungry. They were supposed to go get the food and come back so we could "talk business", but they stayed gone for hours, because I "pissed" MY HUSBAND off. Then, he called him Sunday, supposedly to go help his mom with something, but ended up at a bar because I "pissed" MY HUSBAND off.
Now, FRIEND claims he's trying to get a business going, a social network, another hair brain scheme that he's been trying to get MY HUSBAND to do since we were dating. I feel like he's a distraction and a leech and a hindrance to our marriage. We don't need his help with our business. We were doing fine!! I don't want his help or his presence in our lives. We had this conversation with our Pastor after the incident with my friend and the Pastor literally told him that he needs to leave this friend in his past. He feels obligated to have him around because he's "been there for him" and it's his childhood friend. To be honest, I understand that, but there are no boundaries. He's a married man and his FRIEND is single so his priorities are different. He's looking for companionship and he's co-dependent on MY HUSBAND for that and sometimes, I feel he can't keep a woman because he's really got some gay tendencies towards MY HUSBAND...
Anyway, I was reading this site and this ladies post was almost like my situation, except FRIEND and I don't have that much interaction, but when we were dating, he would tell MY HUSBAND to have 4 or 5 women and don't be stuck with just me - what kind of crap is that? I just need him to move on!!! I don't know how to pray about my feelings on this one.
P.S. Last night, MY SON called a family meeting because he felt torn between his feelings for me and MY HUSBAND. That is really tough. MY HUSBAND went in to him and told him that I'm not a good mother and that I'm not there for him and my daughter and that I lie all the time to make myself look good. Now, is that something that someone should be telling a 10 year old? He all but cussed me out when I told his 14 year old son that he didn't have a job and that's why we can't give them an allowance anymore!!
I am REALLY frustrated and, as much as I would love our marriage to work, right now I don't care if MY HUSBAND goes or stays. We got bills coming out our behind, the electric and gas are about to be cut off, but he wants to hang out and talk about building a social network with his "friend". We got websites to build for folks so we can get some money, but he's out distracted with this crap. It just makes me so mad!!!
I have friends that i hang with now who've known me since i was 4 years old. ANY friend that yells at my wife better be piss drunk as an exscuse if they yell at my wife or else they'll be picking themselves up off the afterward. Your hubby has allowed his friend to come between him and his marriage, and it doesn't look like he even sees it. His friend who like nothing better than for you guys to get a divorce because that equals more time with him.
Unfortunately you are already losing this battle because he hasn't nipped this is the bud already. Ask your husband what's more important, your friend on your wife. IF the answer is you, u guys will go to counseling. If he hesitates... you have your answer.
We've been to counseling. The Pastor told him to "give him up" for the sake of the marriage. He did for a little while but the dude won't go away!!
My husband thinks that I don't want him to have any friends and that I want to choose his friends for him. What I want is for him to have friends who are healthy for him and our marriage. If they are disrespectful and don't give a damn about our marriage, then they're not OUR friends.
I have friends that i hang with now who've known me since i was 4 years old. ANY friend that yells at my wife better be piss drunk as an exscuse if they yell at my wife or else they'll be picking themselves up off the afterward. Your hubby has allowed his friend to come between him and his marriage, and it doesn't look like he even sees it. His friend who like nothing better than for you guys to get a divorce because that equals more time with him.
Unfortunately you are already losing this battle because he hasn't nipped this is the bud already. Ask your husband what's more important, your friend on your wife. IF the answer is you, u guys will go to counseling. If he hesitates... you have your answer.
He claims he told him off... but who knows. The guy has never apologized to me to my face. He apologized through my husband and that's supposed to be ok.
I have friends that i hang with now who've known me since i was 4 years old. ANY friend that yells at my wife better be piss drunk as an exscuse if they yell at my wife or else they'll be picking themselves up off the afterward. Your hubby has allowed his friend to come between him and his marriage, and it doesn't look like he even sees it. His friend who like nothing better than for you guys to get a divorce because that equals more time with him.
Unfortunately you are already losing this battle because he hasn't nipped this is the bud already. Ask your husband what's more important, your friend on your wife. IF the answer is you, u guys will go to counseling. If he hesitates... you have your answer.
Piss drunk wouldn't even cut it as an excuse for me.
If anyone ever yelled at my wife, he would be out of my life forever, probably with a busted jaw to remember me by...
I had a very similiar situation with my hubby and his friend. I had even told the friend to go get his own husband, because this one is mine. Friends started calling the guy "the other wife". There were many arguments with my hubby about the friend monopolizing his time.
What it came down to with us was that I realized that the real issue was with my husband. He was choosing to hang out with the friend. He was allowing the friend into our home, knowing I didn't like him.
It sounds to me like your hubby wants to hang out with this guy. He may be letting you run with the idea that it's the friend's fault, but it's really not. He's using the old "I'm pissed" tactic. That way he feels justified to go do whatever he wants.
The friend may be a huge pain in the rear, but your husband is choosing to hang out with him. Your husband is choosing to let all of this mess influence your lives.
You have a choice too. Talk to your hubby. Tell him that you are not trying to pick his friends or take away his freedom, you just want him to choose you as a priority in his life. If he can't do that, then you have a choice of whether you want to live like that.
If you and h get into it, does friend stick up for h? Do they seem to gang up on you, have each others back against you?
Many years ago my bf had a friend like that. When we split I found out that yes they were gay. I had no clue, bf never acted gay to me. Dad maybe right.
I had a very similiar situation with my hubby and his friend. I had even told the friend to go get his own husband, because this one is mine. Friends started calling the guy "the other wife". There were many arguments with my hubby about the friend monopolizing his time.
What it came down to with us was that I realized that the real issue was with my husband. He was choosing to hang out with the friend. He was allowing the friend into our home, knowing I didn't like him.
It sounds to me like your hubby wants to hang out with this guy. He may be letting you run with the idea that it's the friend's fault, but it's really not. He's using the old "I'm pissed" tactic. That way he feels justified to go do whatever he wants.
The friend may be a huge pain in the rear, but your husband is choosing to hang out with him. Your husband is choosing to let all of this mess influence your lives.
You have a choice too. Talk to your hubby. Tell him that you are not trying to pick his friends or take away his freedom, you just want him to choose you as a priority in his life. If he can't do that, then you have a choice of whether you want to live like that.
Good luck to you.
I'm with scarletblue, a responsible man should know what is right or wrong. When time after time he's been told. I have friends that know my responsibilities and we do not take advantage of each other times or money. A good friends know when to bother other and the amount to time they will enbarge on them. A friend dont yell or tell his friend wife off like that.
It's funny that i don't see God in any of these (so called) advices. The first thing we should do is see what God say's about the subject. Without getting the hubby's side of the situation, it's hard to give Godly wisdom. All I can say it this is the internet is not the place to air dirty laundry. God's advice will not come from random people on the internet. You should join a church and seek the advice of those in charge. My question is does your husband know that you are talking about this on the internet. And have you went to seek help regarding this situation. My second question is, because it take 2 to tango, have you looked at your roll in this fight and how could you have prevented it. Or did you provoke it. You should really take a hard look at yourself before you put your business in the street. This is not from a women who is in Christ. Peachestx, I will pray for you that you find a church home and find out how God can get the glory.
It's funny that i don't see God in any of these (so called) advices. The first thing we should do is see what God say's about the subject. Without getting the hubby's side of the situation, it's hard to give Godly wisdom. All I can say it this is the internet is not the place to air dirty laundry. God's advice will not come from random people on the internet. You should join a church and seek the advice of those in charge. My question is does your husband know that you are talking about this on the internet. And have you went to seek help regarding this situation. My second question is, because it take 2 to tango, have you looked at your roll in this fight and how could you have prevented it. Or did you provoke it. You should really take a hard look at yourself before you put your business in the street. This is not from a women who is in Christ. Peachestx, I will pray for you that you find a church home and find out how God can get the glory.
Obviously, you don't read well. I specifically said that we spoke with our pastor about this and HE advised my husband to leave the friend alone for our marriage's sake. I specifically said that I've tried to talk to my husband about my feelings but he doesn't care how I feel. Everything I've said here is what I've tried to express to him but he doesn't want to hear it. How dare you insinuate that it's my fault that my husband has a gay leech of a friend, who obviously was a source of contention even in his first marriage, so how am I to blame in all of this?
If you want to use the word of God, go back to Genesis and read where it specifically tells the man FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, TO LEAVE AND CLEAVE TO HIS WIFE. I'm not saying don't have any friends. I'm saying choose your friends wisely. If this friend is causing problems in your marriage and he's been given no BOUNDARIES, and the husband chooses to be with him over his wife, that's a problem. I truly believe that it's 50/50 blame because as someone mentioned earlier, my husband literally WANTS to be with this man... hence the feeling that there's more to this relationship than is being let on. It's hard to even fathom that my husband could be on the "down lo", but it's happening to so many women, I wouldn't be surprised. But is that the woman's fault?
To be honest with you, now that I think of it, this message sounds like its coming from my husband. It's interesting that this post is from someone who just joined this month and this is the first post he responds to.
If you and h get into it, does friend stick up for h? Do they seem to gang up on you, have each others back against you?
Many years ago my bf had a friend like that. When we split I found out that yes they were gay. I had no clue, bf never acted gay to me. Dad maybe right.
YES!!!! I don't want to believe it. But, yes, that's how it normally goes. When we got into it the other night, they were on each other's side. "I'm not gay, we were just having a business meeting". Well, if I'm a part of the business, why wasn't I included? I'm literally lying in bed naked waiting for my husband to join me when he comes in to let me know that his friend "needs" him. What the heck??
First of all, you and your husband should be VERY BEST FRIENDS above and before any other so-called 'best friend'. My now wife (#2) and I began our relationship with the promise to be each others very best friend and we have DUMPED a few 'friends' along the way who were not good for our union.
IMO, you children are your #1 priority and they need and deserve the best parental role models they can get until grown up.
Get into some kind of counseling together or separately and DO WHAT'S RIGHT for your kids because what you describe:"P.S. Last night, MY SON called a family meeting because he felt torn between his feelings for me and MY HUSBAND." tells me there is already serious emotional damage to your kids and it'll just get worse if you don't do something for your kids RIGHT NOW.
The 'friend' is not the problem - your inadequate relationship with your hubs and it's damaging effects on your kids IS THE PROBLEM.
Get some relationship books, videos, Youtube, libraries, news stands or google: relationships and get started undoing the damage to you kids in your home.
I don't want to get into a argument with, you. If you spoke to a pastor about this, then why is is on the internet. Why do you air your problems on the internet and not continue to talk to your pastor. Once i mention God now you want to talk bible. That is not the way a Godly women behaves. You should continue to seek Gods response and not the internet response. You are allowing the devil to guide your emotions and thoughts. Seek God and not the internet.
My Husband's Best Friend Won't Go Away!! 
