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contacting his ex

1K views 14 replies 11 participants last post by  Omego 
#1 ·
Hey all.. i will make it as short as possible, i want to know if i am being unreasonable.. my partner of 5 years (distance relationship til 6 months ago now living together) i shouldnt have but read his texts 5 months ago where he had texts sent to an ex which were mostly innocent but some inappropriate. We had a huge row over it and i moved out.. i eventually forgave him and had his assurances there would be no more contact with her. Well, there wasnt for a long time then i was on his computer one day when an email popped up from her. Clearly they hadnt been in touch according to the content (i read it of course) and he told her in a reply that he was now back with me and living with me again (she had heard they had split through a friend). the few messages were jokey and not inappropriate. I confronted him and he said he would not be 'dictated to' and that he would like to meet her one more time to tell her he was happy etc and that if he bumped into her he would like to be 'civil'. I replied that i was very very uncomfortable with him seeing her at all. What on earth can i do about it...? he may or may not tell me if he met up with her, i will not be asking..am i unreasonable.. i guess i dont trust this woman as she is unahappily married. i do trust my partner but this trust wavers when i know they are in contact...:(
 
#2 ·
No you're not being unreasonable. Unless there's children involved, there's no good reason for remaining in touch with an ex.

My alarm bells would be going off in your situation - big time. Not because there's necessarily anything to worry about between the two of them, but because your partner is so blatantly disrespectful to you.

You left him over this, yet he continues to do it. Wtf?
 
#3 ·
I confronted him and he said he would not be 'dictated to' and that he would like to meet her one more time to tell her he was happy etc
So your request is dictatorial? I hope you don't believe this. He's full of b.s. big-time. Great if he wants to meet her one more time to let her know how "happy" he is. Tell him you want to go along so he can introduce you to his ex.

After all, he really wants her to see how happy he is. Shouldn't he bring you along to let her see the source of his happiness?

Seriously.
 
#5 ·
I went through something similar when my husband and I were dating, with an old friend of his from school. I made an effort to have a friendship with her, I actually really liked her, I thought we could be good friends if she would give the friendship a chance.

She had no intention at all of having a friendship with me though. She was actually a ***** to me, and talked bad about me to my husband (then boyfriend). She also sent him inappropriate text messages and emails.

I think it is okay for a man to be friends with his ex, as long as you are able to have a friendship with her as well. Your own friendship with her, apart from your boyfriend.

That being said, there are certain behaviors that are not appropriate. Ie: It would not be appropriate for my husband/boyfriend to go out and get drunk with his ex girlfriend without me there. It is okay to keep an ex in your life though, as long as that person is able to show the utmost respect for you.

I hope this makes sense and is helpful.
 
#9 ·
OP, what your boyfriend is doing is inappropriate and disrespectful. He still has feelings for his ex (clearly) and every time they make contact they keep coming back to him.

You already gave him a clear warning and he is still contacting her? BIG RED FLAG.

How about you give him little taste of his own crap? Tell him you have been talking to your ex past few months and see how he reacts.

Then tell him "now you know how I feel".....then pack your bags and go. He needs time to get over his ex LONG before he is in another relationship IMO.

Everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but not 3rd.

That being said, there are certain behaviors that are not appropriate. Ie: It would not be appropriate for my husband/boyfriend to go out and get drunk with his ex girlfriend without me there. It is okay to keep an ex in your life though, as long as that person is able to show the utmost respect for you.
Just the fact that someone is talking/having ANY kind of relationship with ex = disrespectful.
 
#6 ·
This reminds me of something that happened when I was married to my son's father.

Some high school girlfriend of his was in town and he wanted to go visit her and her parents. He took his guitar 'cause they used to play together. I had no problems with it at all.

Then about a year later an old boyfriend of mine (we dated in high school and beyond) came to town. I told my H that I was going to have lunch with the old boyfriend. This was a one-time thing, in a public place in the middle of the day. I even let H know that he was welcome as well.

MY H went through the roof! He was furious and pouted for days. Yes I went to lunch with the old boyfriend. After all I had no problem with H spending the better part of a day with an old girlfriend.. he certainly thought it was ok to spend the time with her as well.
 
#7 ·
So I guess on an abstract level, wether a situation like this is inappropriate or not, boils down to the individual's own degree of security. Which may differ from couple to couple.

I don't know if OP's partner is full of bs like someone stated. Maybe in his head it's so clear and evident his ex poses no threat to the relationship, so OP's objections come of as jealous and paranoid. And her demands as dictatorial... He'not necessarily a bad man or a would be cheater. He's not being a Nice Guy who jumps through every hoop OP has in store...

Then again, one detail leads to a little worry here... the ex contacted him at exactly the time she thaught the couple was broken up... hmmmm... was she attempting a little more at that time? Anyway, this should be taken into account is all.

Did OP at least make an attempt to rationalize her insecurity here? If not, do it, see what happens. If her partner is anything like me, it may result in more effect then just a demand of not meeting the ex without any rational justification.
 
#8 ·
I don't really get the need to meet her. Sounds like he just wants to keep dragging it out since he's already shown he's not averse to playing you behind your back with her. Imo he's trying to keep his options open. I wouldn't have taken him back in the first place, but if I was in your situation I would point out that he'd already proven he's untrustworthy and I didn't believe his intentions in maintaining contact with this ex were honest. If he had a problem with that, a problem he himself created by behaving the way he did, then he could take his problem and ping off.
 
#10 ·
i eventually forgave him and had his assurances there would be no more contact with her.
...
he would like to meet her one more time to tell her he was happy etc...

... i do trust my partner but this trust wavers when i know they are in contact...:(
Let me get this straight... He promised NO CONTACT (NC) and now he wants to meet her and exchange emails with her?

No Contact means NO CONTACT!!!

He's already broken his promise to you.

Let him meet with his ex, while you move out and move on with your life.
 
#12 ·
It might be different if this most recent contact from the ex was the first such incident. But, it wasn't. This is renewed contact from someone your boyfriend was clearly being inappropriate with earlier. Someone he promised not to have contact with again. So, he has already proven he's untrustworthy when it comes to this woman. That he now wants to meet with her and remain "friends" with her is a huge problem.

This would be a deal breaker for me. Dating is a time to figure out if this person is suitable marriage/commitment material. He's not. Time to move on and find someone who isn't still hung up on, and periodically sexting with, an ex.
 
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#15 ·
We had a huge row over it and i moved out.... i guess i dont trust this woman as she is unahappily married. i do trust my partner but this trust wavers when i know they are in contact...:(
Of course she is fishing. You're not being unreasonable, and I, like others, question the benefit to you of staying in the relationship. You should be the most important woman in your SOs life. Why would he need to bother with the ex, especially as he knows you're unhappy about it.

I don't think you should continue to waste your time. He obviously needs flattery and affirmation from this woman, so let him have it, and her! If he still has feelings for her, fair enough, let him go.
 
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