Not really sure how this works just reaching out for some help/advice. Dated a guy for 5 yrs. broke up because we couldnt stop our out of control arguing among other things. Been apart for about 4 years and we've sort of always dated every now and again. We have decided to give things one last shot, full force and see if we could make it work, and if it doesnt, thats it. No more coming back into each others lives. Although thats hard to do since his sister is a good friend of mine and I've grown very close to his family over the last 9 years or so. We fight, usually we are drinking, but it could be the smallest thing and we let it escalate way beyond appropriate. I try to be logical, or at least I think I do. I know it has to do with mis communication and I dot feel like he helps me improve that portion of our relationship. I dont know how to go about taking the first steps in learning to control the situation before it gets out of hand. I could just shut my mouth but then I feel like I dont get my point across to him either. I could do it, even if it wouldnt be fair. What else should I include? I could go on forever with this subject. does anyone have any suggestions as to what we can do improve on our communication or outbursts? We arent married but we may as well be. Help!
Welcome! Its a great place for advice, and good to work out your thoughts too.
First if you are having behavior problems when you drink, you should first cut that out of your diet. I like to drink, and I make sure that I don't drink too much. Everyone acts differently when drinking. If both of you argue when drinking, don't drink, or just have a couple. If you are looking to work out long term you should consider going to a counselor while you are still on good standing. You will be able to work out how you communicate. I am sure as you read more here you will see that issue as a common problem. It is an issue in my marriage that we are working on. Best of luck!
Hi..
It is normal thing... u have relation since 5 years... and still u r fighting and having mis-communication !! is not this sound strange ?
For me NO .
What happened is that you have fallen in love long time ago .. and u enjoyed it as the chemistry of love was working ... u enjoy the real love ... u feel so much romantic and passionate ... you may also been in sex relationship ..(this is also passionate and affection)..
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however , as long as you stay together (but still not married) .. you become to discover that there is some differences in your way of thinking and treating the conflicts ...
you may also discover some bad attitudes of your love ... you do not like them... simple because u did not expect them from your love !
the up-to-date research in marital life says " for marriage to succeed , the relationship shall be "friendship or companionship" , and not romantic " .. this means as friends each of you will try to appreciate the other and listen to him , share him good and bad times , help him in all affairs , support him in the event of crises ,
...this is actually the real love that sustain and last ... it is action more than words and courtship .."i.e Romantic Love"..
So, since u r friends now , and u still did not marry , but u still can not communicate very well ...I'm very afraid that the same problem will continue to appear... especially you have broken many times ... but my question who initiate the breaking each time ...? (the one who did so is less careful and more emotional and less logical cant take a good control of his relationship ) ...
It is very normal to date 5 years and still have a problem of communication ... most marriages end in the first 10 years !!!!!
so no surprise at all ..
the problem of these marriages can be a variety of things ...
however , most critical thing is about the "EXPECTATION" ...
u expect him to change .. "sorry he will probably never ..as well as you .." ..
it seems that both of you get angry when are drunk ...if you always have conflicts even when you r not drunk ... this means there is a gap of actions between both of you ...
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Gap of actions ?? what do that mean ?
if u ask him for simple thing ...and he told you in a resentful way "NO" without being honest or giving an excuse ...this means he did not respect you .... if you did him many favorites and help him ... and he did not realize that and appreciated you ... this means he did not appreciate you .... if you try to explain your opinion to him and he interfere you and did not listen to you ... this means he is selfish ...and did not treat you as his pearl ...
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well i dotn know about the whole drinking thing because when i fight with my husband im not drinking. i know how it feels to not be able to keep one's mouth shut. i think i finally figured out why i could never keep mine shut. especially in the beginning of my relationship i would fight with my husband and things would get ugly. we werent drunk though so i had no excuse. i just wasnt recognizing and respecting his boundaries. I wanted to have this great, emotionally intimate relationship so i would try and make it that way. i had to keep saying how i was feeling and try and drag something out of him because i couldnt just back off and see things for what they were. He was emotional distant from me. I obviously felt that or i wouldnt have gotten out of control.
A lot of it turned out to be i am just very emotional for him. its very overwhelming for him. something i learned to do is if i have something that's very important to me i ask him first if he is feeling like he can really listen to me and respond. And i try not to go over thirty minutes. this has worked really well. sometimes he says he cant respond right now, and i wait until another time.
i mean to say he has a problem of communication .
It is normal to have conflicts (even it is healthy fact for good marriages) ... but the real problem is hoe to treat the conflicts ?
many people stayed for 30 years in marriage without being able to resolve their conflicts in a positive way ...because every one want to be the right and the other is wrong ...!
will then no conflict will be solved because no one is wrong .
Conflicts teach us about the others personality .. for example, if you asked him to visit your family and he said I like to stay at home in the week end ..... you lean that he do not like to have more social contacts or he is introvert ...if he came back from his work angry and u asked him ..what is wrong ? he became to annoyed and say bad words to you ...then you will learn that he do not like to talk when he has a problem or when he is angry ... you may talk to him after an hour or so ...
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. something i learned to do is if i have something that's very important to me i ask him first if he is feeling like he can really listen to me and respond. And i try not to go over thirty minutes. this has worked really well. sometimes he says he cant respond right now, and i wait until another time.
Thanks ljtseng .. this what I pointed about learning from the conflicts ...
So .. now ..what you have learned about your love ...?
1- he is ............
2- he is .............
3- he is.........
.
.
.
.
.
.10- he is ..........
so as an average , do you see that you can from a good friendship with him (i.e a good marriage and last for ever) ... some of the ten points will be negative (u do not like) ... so u have to decide if these points are too critical (for example :HE ALWAYS CRITICIZE ME" ... or "HE IS VERY ANGRY MOST OF THE TIME "..
now you have to be brave to ask your mind NOT your heart ...I s he really satisfies my expectations ...?
The last thing I'm going to advice you .. is to pick up your HIDDEN expectations !!!!!!! wooooooooow ..what is this ?
well ... have you ever thought about your goals of marriage ...?
silly question ... it is very important question...
most of us set unrealistic expectations + did not explain his goals to others in the right way !!! it is true .. believe me ..
Now what is your goals ...in your marital life .. do you see them similar and matching to those goals for your love ...? if there is a lot of matching (Family goals , raising up children, working , hobbies , religion , sex , community , etc ...) ... then probably you can work out the communication problems with attending a course or reading books or consultation ...
First timer... Just looking for advice
Re: First timer... Just looking for advice
