Here's my story...My wife of almost 19 years came to me back in April and said that still loved me, but thought we were no longer compatable. She said that she thought I didn't love her any more, and that there must be other women who could be a better wife for me than what she was. Furthermore, she said that she had developed feelings for a friend who lives in South America with whom she does a good deal of charitable work in his country of origin. She swore that the only physical intimacy between them was one passionate kiss the previous summer, but that she had been having an "emotional affair" with him for about a year. She expected me, on that night, to just agree with her that we should split, and do so amicably. However, instead, I took a different direction, and told her I was willing to listen to what she felt she needed from me, and was willing to change in areas where I needed to for my own good, and in any area where I was not violating any basic principles of my own personhood, or where I was not going to have to completely change my personality. She agreed to give this a try.
Over the next two months, she was willing to work at things, but was also in touch with the other guy quite a bit, via cell phone and webcam. She said that her romantic feelings for him were fading to the point that after about two months, she said those feelings were gone, and he was once again just a good friend. However, because of the charity work they do, she said she wanted to maintain the friendship with him. By the first of June, she made the declaration that she truly loves me, and that she was not going to leave me. She has more recently said that she has felt very loved by me again, and she appreciates the fact that, in her eyes, I am paying far more attention to her than I did for a number of years. She said the frequent contact with the other guy in June was necessary in preparation for a trip to his country which she took with our 18-year-old son a couple of weeks ago. Since she has returned, I am not sure about how much phone contact there has been, but I know there has been no webcam contact. (They were supposed to have chatted once, which she told me about, but he never showed up online...I know, because I was in the same room with the computer and with her that evening, which she seemed to be totally comfortable about.)
I have no doubt about three things:
1. She has shown me more love in the past couple of months, and it feels like she is far more in love with me at this point than at almost any time in our marriage.
2. I feel she is more in love with me than with anybody else.
3. I really have changed in some needed ways.
What still nags me is this:
- Will this last?
- Can someone "re-relegate" someone to the status of "friend" after they have seen that person in a more romantic light?
- Is it possible that deep inside she is still in love with him, but is in a period of denial about that because she is feeling better about me?
- Will this last?
- Can someone "re-relegate" someone to the status of "friend" after they have seen that person in a more romantic light?
- Is it possible that deep inside she is still in love with him, but is in a period of denial about that because she is feeling better about me?
First of all i think what you did to save your marriage was nothing short of a miracle. Congratulations for being willing to change!
-when you ask will it last do you mean her relationship with him, or her feelings for you?
-i definitely think someone can downgrade their feelings for another person. love is a choice and can be taken away.
-she could be in denial about her feelings for that guy. like any relationship, it takes time to get over one's feelings for another. its a process and not just an automatic decision. I dont think its healthy for your relationship that she keep in contact with him, business or not, but i also think its a process she has to go through. Maybe denial is just one of the steps for her to completely severe her feelings for him.
Im just really impressed with how you handled her infidelity.
Congrats for saving your marriage. Sometimes people fall in love with the idea of being in love. Maybe that's what your wife felt. Given the fact that this other guy might have been showing her more attention than you did, or even treating her differently than you did. I think after a few years of marriage, many people tend to get comfortable and take so many things for granted that really mattered when they started the marriage. We get comfortable and stop noticing the '' new dress'' she got, or the new hair cut, we stop noticing things that could boots our partners egos. We stop saying I love you as frequently as we used to, we hold hands less, we spend less time with our spouses, we basically take so much for granted. Many of these small tiny things combined together make a huge big hairy monster than can wreck a marriage. Then our partner finds someone who notices their new cut, or someone who shows just a little bit of attention..and everyday they give it to them..while we still sit and ignore it..of course they will be carried away in that wave.It's human. So maybe it was just a wave that caught your wife, and nothing to do with love. And now that you are doing those things again. all of the love you had before gets a new boosts just like new love. If you keep doing that, i think you don't have anything to worry about how long it will last. I say it will last as long as your small good deeds lasts. It's the small things that really make a difference. :-)
Congratulations on the recovery in your marriage. I think you both have done a great job in improving together. As a man in a recovering marriage after my wife’s EA I know how difficult this can be for you both. I think spouses can recover their feelings but that it can take time. I do however think her continued contact with him is risky. If it happened once…. Continue to show your wife you love and support her but be cautious on her relationship with him. Good luck.
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Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
Like everyone said, congratulations. You really hit the nail on the head with handling that situation.
To answer your questions:
- Will this last?
With you? Absolutely, as long as you both keep working at it and don't fall back into your old status-quo routine.
- Can someone "re-relegate" someone to the status of "friend" after they have seen that person in a more romantic light?
As others have said. Yes. There is an actual chemical reaction that occurs that adds excitement and thrill to a new relationship. It never lasts on it's own. It requires nurturing and constant attention and effort to keep that love alive and growing after a certain point. How many people have had many many boyfriends or girlfriends they have loved only for a time? Actually, I believe there have been studies that show women especially have an easier time maintaining platonic friendships with a guy after a break up than vice verse.
- Is it possible that deep inside she is still in love with him, but is in a period of denial about that because she is feeling better about me?
I do not think so. She was honest and open with you from the start, she told you she was willing to work on it and told you what needed to happen for her to fall in love with you again. You did, and she did, and I'd have to guess she's being as honest with you now as she was when she said she was having an EA. It really sounds like she was missing something you weren't providing, but once you started giving her what she felt was lacking, that was all she really needed.
Still, here's the tricky part. As long as she is in contact with him so much, as long as she's having trips down there and spending time with him when you are not around, there is an opening. Maybe not for an affair, as she was honest with you the first time about what did and did not happen and didn't want to pursue that relationship further until she'd told you first. But there is a safety valve for her so that if things do slow down, there's less of an incentive to be patient and work harder to stoke the fires of your marriage because she has a backup (even if that's not how she is viewing it right now.) You asked if things could last and I said yes. I mean that. However, there will always be ebbs and flows to a relationship, even a very strong one. We can't be 100% attentive 100% of the time, it's not really feasible or fair to expect that. But if he's always there in the background, he is a constant threat. If things do slow down with you again, she may find feelings for him rise up again before the pendulum swings back around to your relationship being strong again. She may out of choice no longer have romantic feelings for him, but attraction is still a gut level response. Having him remain so much a part of her life, puts kind of an unfair pressure on you to always be on your A game with your wife. Things like that can over the long term cause issues. The EA is not just about her having romantic emotions for another guy. Even if her emotional part of the EA is over, the ramifications of it's impact on you and the marriage can continue on if her friendship continues even though she knows you would be infinitely more comfortable if she didn't. That's just being unfair.
So what do you do about her friendship with his guy? You've shown amazing judgment so far in understanding your wife, so I think odds are you will make the right choice for the two of you in that as well. Short term, maybe you need to allow that friendship to be there, but long term, I do think it's important you find open ways to talk to your wife about the possible issues with her maintaining a friendship with him. At some point the question really needs to be asked and answered: Is her charity work, and the required interaction and friendship with that man, worth more than the strain and risk it will put on your marriage? Can she not find other charity work, even in that same region if that is important, that can still fulfill that need in her without placing a constant strain on your comfort and the marriage?
Once again, a woman using sex or the threat of leaving to work out an issue that could have been addressed without the cheating.
Another example of a woman using non sexual issues in the marriage to fall into another mans arms, bed, whatever.
Yeah congrats for saving your marriage, just hope you don't have another issue in your relationship that gives her another reason to fall out of love and start looking elsewhere again.
Note to all men, you know that we can do the same thing, cheat and blame it on their issues, to those that haven't figured that out yet.
My Wife has tried to do the same thing to me only I reacted by doing it back and that scared her enough to calm down for a while.
Future bright or not?
Re: Future bright or not?
