jturn

I have been married for 13 years. 4 months ago, my wife went on her best friend's birthday party in the islands, and came back a different person. She says it was an "epiphany" about how she has not been happy for some time with anything it seems. Not happy with us, with what she has/has not accomplished, etc. We have 2 wonderful kids, I thought a good marriage, and now I hear that she feels smothered by me because I work out of the house and she is a stay at home mom, so we are always together (not true, I do actually work). We moved halfway across the country a few years ago to get away from the ridiculous cost of living, and to find a better place for our kids to grow up.

What I am struggling with is how she has completely turned the marriage switch off, infrequent sex is now horribly uncomfortable 80% of the time, while she participates, it is generally for her benefit, not touching or kissing me. The lack of emotional attachment to me is killing me, she started councelling to find herself, I just do not know why I am the only one that gets singled out as a target. Our decisions were always made together, not by just me. I am not arrogant enough to say I am anywhere near perfect, do I look to her when I am bored at home, sure, but not just because I am bored, because I see it as a chance for us to do something fun together.

The other thing that is killing me is that while I am the target for the alleged smothering, she talks and texts, and visits incesently with her friend from back home. Every month, and constant talk of more. I have been trying to get a weekend away for years to no avail, and now she just keeps trying to leave me and the kids to go see whomever, her friend, her mom. I am very offended and hurt that her idea of a good time is getting away...from me and the realities of life. I do not feel fun anymore, because I am unhappy with this, even when she does try to have a good time with me, I let down my guard to try and have fun and then she stomps on me again sometimes hours, minutes, or by the next day by withdrawing. It makes me not want to give in, and I find myself grwoing to dislike her as a person.

Her friend is Peter Pan, the one who never grew up, except she is extremely wealthy. Her husband is also one of my good friends, so I hear some things from the other side, like the fact that all she cares about is whether my wife is happy, not whether or not we save our marriage. How can I feel happy or supportive about a friendship that does not support this? I hate their marriage, she uses sex as a weapon, and is a spoiled brat. Unfortunately, my friend gives into much of this because if she is happy, she will have sex with him.

I have gone back to my office to work instead of doing so from home to create some more space, but my patience for some type of marrital breakthrough is wearing thin. I can not pretend to be happy anymore, and do not like to appear so unhappy and short with my children, no matter how hard I try not to.

What do I do, hang in there longer when I see no effort on her part to make the marriage successful, or throw in the towel? I miss my wife terribly but can not continue feeling so alone in the same house.

wjmay

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JustMe

jturn, your wife sound a little like me a few years ago (I hate to admit it though!) I don't know how old she is, but did you guys get married young? I got married at 22 (barely) and was suddenly step-mom to two beautiful boys (5 and 10 at the time). After the "glow" of marriage wore off and I was a temproary single mom to two children I didn't even give birth to, because their father (my husband) was in Iraq, I had a really hard time accepting the fact that most of the people I knew who were my age were finishing college and having alot of fun! I was lonely, stressed out, confused, scared (of my hubby not coming home), you name it, I felt it. I've grown ALOT in the last 5 years and I can't imagine life without my husband or those beautiful boys! Hubby and I went through counselling and I realized that I was being a total idiot, thinking the way I was. Since then, I have gone back to school to get an accounting degree (not easy with a family, but feels great!) and have begun horseback-riding (one of my passions) again.
I guess my point is, maybe for whatever reason, your wife is feeling pressured by something she's not ready to face yet. Then again, 13 years is an awfully long time to "be okay" and then suddenly turn. I wish you all the best! Just thought I'd share how I felt when I did feel that way.