If this has already been mentioned, please let me know, so sorry if I am repeating something that may already have been talked about............
In your relationship (I have been married 21 years) when you hit a bad patch, do you argue and get it all out in the open so you can move on. Or do you (like we do) stew for a while, keep it to yourselves, then gradually talk about it bit by bit.
I hate "brushing stuff under the carpet" and would much rather he was open and told me exactly how he feels about things (and vice versa) You would think after 21 years of marriage I would be used to it by now. Eventually he tells me. We rarely row or argue, we have these long periods of silence, then we might hint about stuff we are not happy about. Then we will talk about it.
When (rarely) we do shout and yell, I feel so much better for it.
How does everyone else deal with it? And what's the best thing to do really?
Depends on what it's about. As a general rule, I'm not much into shouting and yelling, and fortunately neither is he.
But when it comes to dealing with things that bother me, whether I keep it to myself and talk about it bit by bit or get it all out at once depends on what it is. If it's something that upsets me a whole lot and I'm afraid it could turn into shouting and yelling, I'll keep it to myself while I calm down and think of ways to talk about it that won't lead (I hope) to shouting and yelling.
If it's not that big a deal, and I'm not all that upset, just a little bothered, I'll go ahead and bring it up.
For me, it's not so much about hiding how I feel from him as it is about trying to make sure that we actually resolve an issue instead of just arguing endlessly about this issue and 10 others that are totally irrelevant and that we thought we'd already resolved.
In my first marriage, we fought constantly, screaming, yelling, slamming doors, etc. I hated that, and I still, to this day (over 7 years after the divorce) shrink back if someone raises their voice toward me.
I at first, try to talk it out in a calm, mature manner: "Honey, can we talk?" And usually, this works, but there have been times when it has come to trading blows(NOT LITERALLY!), and so we will vent, we will argue, but then I like to be alone, collect my thoughts and regroup, before I do or say something I regret. Then, when all is quiet on the western front, it goes back to "Honey, can we talk?"
Neither my W or me are very confrontational, and for the most part, we talk and work the problem or compromise. And if we can't find a solution, (so far, we've always been able to), then I'll try to seek advice from friends, family, here.
Bottom line is, we hate to argue, and we always try to find a diplomatic solution before declaring war.
One can't really argue without being at least a little critical. My wife reacts badly to even a hint of criticism. I used to try to talk things out with her but each attempt has ended badly 100% of the time and no resolution ever in my favor, so I just keep silent and vent here. Sometimes folks are just the way they are and you're not going to change them.
I am usually the one who is much more likely to shout and yell and cry. He is generally calm but restless at first (saying that he is calm, but fidgeting and looking agitated) and that usually transitions pretty quickly into eye rolling, scoffs, etc. Those behaviors make me even more angry though, because I feel that being passive aggressive is almost worse than shouting; it allows him to claim that he is being the mature one, since he's not shouting, when in reality he's just pouting and feeling smug and not actually trying to fix the problem. Honestly we are BOTH being really immature haha. It can be very frustrating.
The cycle breaks when I goad him into active anger--I will call him out on being passive aggressive enough times that he will "crack." Then he will talk over me to say what is bothering him and I finally listen and we work things out. I just wish we could skip all those minutes of him laying there and rolling his eyes at everything I say. I would much rather him yell at me!
This is definitely the part of our relationship that needs the most work as we fight in totally different ways. That said, we always solve the problem before we go to sleep (if this means staying up late to fight, so be it). I HATE going to sleep angry and will not let it happen. He would probably be ok with leaving the fight until the next day, but I think he appreciates not having to worry about anything in the morning, and not having a problem infecting his thoughts for all those hours when we're sleeping.
We usually have great make up sex though Even if it means staying up even later, I think it's totally worth it so that there is a clean slate for the next day.
My hubster & I have a unique way of communicating and it's sometimes physical - meaning we will have a conversation while playing a round of golf or one on one dodgeball. There's something light hearted about taking your problems out in a game! Other times we will joke with one another and lovingly "tease" each other about our faults or problems. This only works for couples that know one another's bounderies/buttons to avoid and if you're both willing & capable of being honest with yourselves. I can call myself out at times when I know I am on his ballz excessively or being a nag. ITS OK to screw up or get stressed out about life or each other but fighting & name calling or turning against each other out of laziness & denial is so wrong!!!!!
We've experimented with our communication styles and it all started when I was studying communication in college. The one thing you guys can do right now is recognize each other's communication styles and then craft a game plan or method that works for you both. Your goal should be less hurt feelings and more humility & respect no matter how you agree to do so. Think out of the box - wouldn't it be more fun to thrash into one another in blow-up sumo suits while talking about how diffficult life & family is sometimes rather than throwin cheap verbal shots in the car on the way home from dinner? =D even if my examples are silly to you- at the very least just hope you see that there are other ways beyond the conventional snoring & dilusional cat & mouse games. Posted via Mobile Device
knock drag out tear the roof off tornado but we are very passionate people and have a lot to say and we are so the same and at the same time different and one cant understand why their point is not being made or undrestood why cant they just agree with me was a big thing not agreeing lead to not listing noot listing lead to not careing or wanting to be together see explosions but we figured it out we are not the same person and we do agree on 99% of things we argued the same point just 3+1=4 and 1+3=4 and took a while before we figured it out so now better more listing less interupting less see it my way more agree to dissagree and come back later after food sex forgivence and work on the real issues we are still a work in progress after 20 years