General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have been married 5 years to a very good looking woman 10 years younger then me. We have two wonderful kids who I love very much.
I am seriously considering leaving my wife. We dont have sex anymore. The first couple of years I ignored her emotional needs. I was stressed about being married. I worked on it and came around and started becoming the husband she always wanted. I felt great.
But within 3 months of doing so she became angry with me and stopped sex. When I tried to talk to her about it she told me she just needs time to get over the first part of our marriage. This was 6 months ago. We had sex 4 months ago on our wedding anniversary but that's it. I am still very attracted to her. I am a healthy good looking guy and I want sex. To me the lack of sex is a symptom of her true feelings towards me. I have tried to be patient with her. Now its very akward trying to think of initiating any romance. I am only 42 and cant imagine the rest of my life like this.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
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Re: Leave wife
My guess is that she had emotionally disconnected with you and in that she has no desire for sexual intimacy. A situation I am in myself. Be patient and discuss if there are other issues that might be concerning her. Try to understand her feelings. Also has she had a physical to see if there is a medical reason for the lack of interest? Finally reintroduce romance into the relationship. Not seduction, romance. Cards, dinner alone…. Some times just the littlest things can make a spouse feel so much better about the relationship. Good luck.
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Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
i admit i would find that very very difficult.
having a very high sex drive myself. but i wouldnt do n e thing rash just yet. dont make to many quick decisions.
sit down and talk with her.
i mean we do have times, where we simply arent bothered.
but there could be other things going on in her life.
is she concerned about n e thing.
i think you need to take this one back to basics.
retrace eachothers steps back to where the issues started.
ask her what she wants, is she feeling unwell. tell her your concerns and how the lack of sex is making you feel.
remind her that its not all about your needs.
but this is an area that you feel is an issue.
it might be only then that she can reconnect to your emotions. because you have made her aware.
my husband was also emotionally destructive to our relationship the first couple years. it was very hard for him to understand that it takes me awhile to get over these things.
we recently had another fight about it and you know what i did....i broke every single one of his dvds, video games, his video game player, and a couple of other things of value to him.
Real mature, i know. but here's the point:
Replacing what you've destroyed takes time. It doesnt just happen because you're sorry you broke it. If you're not willing to put in the time and effort into replacing what you broke, then you wont get back what you lost.
My husband would be pretty resentful if I just said I'm sorry and I moved on. I have every intention of replacing what I broke-he even said i have to get to level 99 on one of his games. OK. that's his rules and im willing to do it (i hate video games btw) no matter how long it takes. That's the point of being sorry. You have to replace what you broke.
When ive replaced everything i've also told my husband that's when he'll know im over what he broke of mine-assuming he doesnt do it again.
my husband was also emotionally destructive to our relationship the first couple years. it was very hard for him to understand that it takes me awhile to get over these things.
we recently had another fight about it and you know what i did....i broke every single one of his dvds, video games, his video game player, and a couple of other things of value to him.
Real mature, i know. but here's the point:
Replacing what you've destroyed takes time. It doesnt just happen because you're sorry you broke it. If you're not willing to put in the time and effort into replacing what you broke, then you wont get back what you lost.
My husband would be pretty resentful if I just said I'm sorry and I moved on. I have every intention of replacing what I broke-he even said i have to get to level 99 on one of his games. OK. that's his rules and im willing to do it (i hate video games btw) no matter how long it takes. That's the point of being sorry. You have to replace what you broke.
When ive replaced everything i've also told my husband that's when he'll know im over what he broke of mine-assuming he doesnt do it again.
Probably my best quality is my patience. I do believe in that. We have a lot to lose with divorce. I did harm her emotionally by not being there for her in the first couple of years. I own up to that and am allowing time to heal those wounds and re-establishing our relationship. I give her massages every night. I am always home now. We talk a lot (exept about itimacy and sex). Your point is valid but at the same time people stay bitter and resentful forever. I have seen it in women at work. At some point we have to be a loving couple again.
You on the other hand sound like you have some severe anger issues. I would never put up with destructive out of control behavour such as yours.
i admit i would find that very very difficult.
having a very high sex drive myself. but i wouldnt do n e thing rash just yet. dont make to many quick decisions.
sit down and talk with her.
i mean we do have times, where we simply arent bothered.
but there could be other things going on in her life.
is she concerned about n e thing.
i think you need to take this one back to basics.
retrace eachothers steps back to where the issues started.
ask her what she wants, is she feeling unwell. tell her your concerns and how the lack of sex is making you feel.
remind her that its not all about your needs.
but this is an area that you feel is an issue.
it might be only then that she can reconnect to your emotions. because you have made her aware.
Some good advice thanks but at this point I am allowing the healing to take place without the sex talk. I am sexually frustrated but It's a small thing really. At some point this issue needs to be addressed and am hoping to do so in the future.
other ppl might stay resentful. but not necessarily in your relationship.
im sorting out probs with my hubby, but loads of girls are splitting up. they all ask me how im doing. and i answer them honestly.
but they have their own situations, im living mine.
you seem to b answering your own questions to your relationship which is really good.
your connecting again, because she is allowing you to touch her, believe me, if she did not want you or for you to touch her, you wouldnt be doing it.
but you are.
you mentioned past issue of yours -
but they have to remain that in the past.
both you and your wife have to let that go.
my hubby and i lived rowing about the past for 10 yrs.
but after everything we have been through. it was best to let them all go.
i think thats why we havent rowed since the middle of april 08.
sex wil need to b addressed for your relationship to change and evolve. it can b better.
i dont know if this wil help, but based on my relationship. yrs ago i made up my own theory of the relationship. it can work for others.
make a circle, and section it in 1/3 rds
in one section put sex
in the second put trust/honesty
and in the 3rd put communication.
this is what you could find. an imbalance.
but you wil know what to work on to get a rebalance.
ok it doesnt work for everyone, but its worth a go.
this is just a scenario to help you with what the circle does.
for example :- if your communication is not good, you might see it elaborating into the sex section of the chart. so you get an imbalance. so in your head it starts to eat into that sex section.
but by sorting out the issue or atleast trying. you can in your head see the sex section starting to go back to its original 1/3 section.
or if the sex section isnt good, why isnt it, re-evaluate it . is it because of your not trusting eachother.
really the scenarios could be n e thing.
i have gained rebalance many times through my chart.
Recently my new counselor suggested I read some marriage and self help books in my free time. Several people on this forum have recommended the book, The Five Love Languages. Well, that's the book I'm currently reading. It really makes sense; I wished I had read it five years ago. I think it could help you and your wife. Would your wife be willing to read it also?
I heard an interesting analogy the other day that may strike a chord with you...
Men are like gas stoves - you press the button, light the flame and they are ready to cook.
Women, on the other hand, are like electric burners...you need to start them well before you want to cook.
I don't mean this to sound crass (no - really I don't). It sounds as if your wofe needs lots of warming up before you can start cooking....
Have you asked her what she would like you to do to help her connect with you emotionally again? I read that you are giving her massages etc...but I wonder if she is interpreting this as pressure to become intimate again before she is ready?
Perhaps she can help you to do what she is needing from you right now.
Could you speak more about your relationship as it is now. I am very interested in the fact that she accepts massages from you. Clearly she is not shunning body contact. Could you write more. Also, when you used to have sex in the past, how good was it - for hare and for you?
To me the lack of sex is a symptom of her true feelings towards me.
Although it's possible, I would think if she no longer had loving feelings for you she would not want massages and would probably be talking about wanting out.
It is very possible that she is resentful that you ignored her emotional needs for so long and now that you have decided to step up and change, you have nothing to lose and all to gain and she has still lost those years where she wished things were different. Logically, it will not help her to hang on to this resentment because if she is able to let it go, you will both have everything to gain. In reality, it is difficult to let go and trust that everything will be the way she always dreamed of when in her experience she may be feeling this will be short-term and once the sex is back in place the emotional support will fall to the wayside.
It's difficult to make the choice to let your guard down once you've been hurt. I had the same difficulty and my counselor said something that made me decide to let my guard down. She asked me if I would have any regrets. I thought about it and said no, because I did everything in my power to give myself to the marriage and if it still didn't work out, I could walk away knowing that (although I'd be devastated). If I did not let my guard down I would have regrets and always wonder if things would be different had I done this or that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by brad
should I give it more time?
Definitely. Time is the only way for her to see that the changes you have made are sincere and lasting. She did not become to feel this way over night. You thinking of leaving is exactly why she is distant. The fear that the changes are self-serving so you get what you need and not because you truly love her. The best thing you can do in the meantime is to prove your love & do things together where you laugh and talk and she knows you care about how she is feeling, her hopes and dreams, her day. Let her see the guy she first met (when intimate discussions were also awkward) and give it time for the romance or it may be received the wrong way.
Could you speak more about your relationship as it is now. I am very interested in the fact that she accepts massages from you. Clearly she is not shunning body contact. Could you write more. Also, when you used to have sex in the past, how good was it - for hare and for you?
I know she wants us to build up our relationship first and then we can go to the sex part. Fair enough but I wonder how long this process can go.
The sex itself? She is very straight laced. No oral. She doesnt want it for herself, never has. Very straight sex. She comes from a mormon family and her mother was very uptight. My wife is not very sexually open but what does it for me is the way she looks. She is a stunner. a 10 out of 10. I am a visual guy and that does it for me. (she is blonde, 5'9 128 curvey, 34DD). I think the wierd part is sex was easier for her when we first met. The longer we know each other the harder it appears to her (she even mentioned that to me once). AS for talking about it remember she told me NO MORE SEX TALK).
Leave wife
