After talking to my sister I decided yesterday that it was time for me to move out. It hurts too bad to be here and be around hubby when we essentially act like everything is ok until its time to go to bed and he goes to his room and I go to mine. We dont fight....we get along he still calls me, texts me, talks to me about his day but tells me he doesnt want to be married to me anymore.
So I started looking for places last night. Today he asks me...."Not to be rude but are you waiting until the house sells to move out?" I told him that yes that was my first intention but I think that is not the best idea and I need to move out sooner than later and he agreed
So I am going to move out...this sucks!
So I guess this means it really is over and I still dont have any solid answers as to why....
Please read my answer in your other thread. I think there is more going on here than meets the eye. You should definitely not move out. Wait until the house sells. Let him move out if he wants action.
I read some of your other post before responding to this one. First, congratualtions on your weight loss. Keep it up!
Like most people on this forum, I have been looking for answers for several months. Along the way I have discovered my problem went much deeper than he had an affair, he lied to me, I gained weight, etc. Remember the old adage which says " I couldn't see the forrest for the trees"? I've been looking at the trees way too long. My new counselor suggested I read some marriage and self help books in my free time to gain new perspectives. Well, I've done that and have found a wonderful book. The book is The Five Love Languages. I strongly recommend you read this book. If only I had read this book five years ago, I think things would have been much better today. Once you read this book, I think you'll see what you need in the marriage and also what you must give in the marriage.
Now, on to the question posed...Don't move out. It cost a lot to keep two households going. And with the housing market what it is, your house could be on the market for awhile. This could be a good thing; it will give you time to work on yourself and your marriage.
I feel you and I are in the same place emotionally. I still love my husband and I want to work things out in our marriage. However, he doesn't know if he wants to. He says it's 50/50 with him. I keep trying to talk to him about "us" and it just drives him futher away. So, I'll tell you what the counselor told me. Start doing things differently and even being a little unpredictable (in his eyes). Go out one evening with friends, or travel out of town to see a family member. Change the way you dress, change your hair color and/or style, etc. And she said to quit being "needy"--don't call him, don't talk to him about the relationship, etc. And while doing the above things subtly put his "love language" into play.
my solicitor and most of my friends, always never tell me to move out. to stay in the house.
i agree here, there is more going on. dont let him push you out.
this happened to a work colleague of mine, they split up and he made loads of promises regarding the house and finances.
i promise he did so much behind her back. the house was on the market and without n e of her knowledge, after saying he couldnt keep up the mortgage payment.
kept house, rented it out and the one who really is in dire striaights is her. she now lives with an aunty, no money and locked in financial battles with ex.
I'm going to add my voice in with the others here. Do not move out. Wait until that house sells, or, if it's so important to him, have him move out. I know it's hard on you acting like nothing is wrong when everything is and I understand that you won't really be able to move on until you are no longer living with him, but the others warnings are accurate. The moment you move out you run a serious financial risk.
You're selling the house so both of you need to look for another place to live, but it sounds like he's pressuring you to do it. Obviously if the pain and unhappiness is too deep and you think it might take countless moths to sell your house, that is a factor, but as a general rule, the person that is the one who has fallen out of love and has not made the effort to save the marriage, should be the one to make the sacrifice and move out.
I have read everyones responses quite a few times I might add and this is WHY I am moving out.....
First the mortgage is in his name (my name is on the deed so he cant do anything without me) but the mortgage is attached to his credit not mine. Second I can not afford the house on my own. So if I made him move out and pay for what I couldnt afford then he wouldnt be able to afford a place for himself. I know I shouldnt feel like that is my problem but I am not at the point where I can be a cold hearted *****.
As far as me moving out and giving him what he wants.....whose to say he isnt entitled to what he wants and whats going to make him happy? According to him I dont make him happy...does it hurt me to know that absolutely.....but I am already miserable because of it. He has told me that is is over and he wants a divorce....Im not really sure what else I can do.
It hurts me everyday that I have to see him and know that he is going to bed in the other room when our interaction together in the house is "cordial and almost normal". We dont fight, we still talk all the time, we still get along and I think the only way for me to start moving on or at least give him the wake up call the he needs is for me not to be around. There is that saying "you dont know what you have until its gone" and maybe thats what he needs....maybe he will realize the mistake he made...the only thing I can hope for is that when he does realize the mistake he made (and I really believe he will realize it) that its not to late. Because I can not continue to wait on him to figure out what it is that he does or doesnt want.
As I hinted at in your other thread, I am convinced he is either having an affair, or had one a while back, or else he is feeling very guilty about something. Most men who are having sex 2 or 3 times a week don't just give up and go without so easily.
Either guilt is crucifying him, or he is getting his bodily needs met elsewhere.
When he said that you needed someone better than him, that was code for "I have let you down".
As I hinted at in your other thread, I am convinced he is either having an affair, or had one a while back, or else he is feeling very guilty about something. Most men who are having sex 2 or 3 times a week don't just give up and go without so easily.
Either guilt is crucifying him, or he is getting his bodily needs met elsewhere.
When he said that you needed someone better than him, that was code for "I have let you down".
This is all in my humble opinion of course.
Well when we talked about the sex thing he said that we were having it 2-3 times a week he said it was more like 2-3 times every two weeks...since I didnt keep track of it I couldnt argure the point either way so I didnt.
I have thought the same thing that maybe something did happen.....and that could account for some of his responses and actions. If something did happen I dont think it was for very long and I dont think it is still going on because he is still very open with me about where he is and where he goes...so quite honeslty he doesnt really have time to continue an affair if there even was infidelity to begin with. It was the first question I asked him....
The net result of all this is that his behaviour is not helping your self esteem. From everything you write I can tell you are a very valuable person.
Whatever life throws at you, you need to keep that love for life burning in your heart. With him or without him. He is weak at the moment, maybe he is having a mid-life crisis, or maybe he is keeping something from you. Either way you don't have to listen to any voices from without or thoughts from within that tell you are not a beautiful person.
The net result of all this is that his behaviour is not helping your self esteem. From everything you write I can tell you are a very valuable person.
Whatever life throws at you, you need to keep that love for life burning in your heart. With him or without him. He is weak at the moment, maybe he is having a mid-life crisis, or maybe he is keeping something from you. Either way you don't have to listen to any voices from without or thoughts from within that tell you are not a beautiful person.
You are absolutlely right it.....it is awful for my self esteem. I am a great person and I wish I had some actual answers as to what is wrong with me because I am starting to question that. I have to come to terms with that fact that it isnt me its him.....it still sucks.
Stumped-
wow. I read this and wonder if we are married to the same guy. It's tough being on the other end of somebody saying "you need somebody better than me" because you think if you are willing to accept what they are able to give all should be okay. But this is what I am learning: "you need someone better than me" may actually mean I don't want to put the effort into this relationship because it is not what I want and I feel bad about it. When that is what is underneath, it doesn't matter what we find acceptable from them- even if we know it is less than what we deserve- because the choice isn't truly ours. But even if it may not genuine when your husband or mine says it, it's true none the less. Everyone should at the very basis of a relationship be with someone they know wants to be with them right? It seems really basic, but you deserve it and so do I. Don't settle for less than knowing you are wanted by the person you chose to be with- and don't fall pray to the notion that everyone has to be with somebody all the time just to feel valued as a person. I am going to bet that you are someone that listens to and cares for your friends, that you try to do your best and that is all any of us can do to bring value to our lives; by just trying to do what is right and good. Best ishes for your future.
You make good points, but here is another way of looking at it. Different people need handling differently.
Men like stumpped's husband, are what is termed passive. Maybe not passive 24/7 but passive in sexually. Maybe he was not always this way.
It is unfortunate because society expects men to be active, and woman the more passive types. However, we are as we are. So if this is who he really is, then it's no good waiting for this man to light your fire. What WILL work is lighting his fire.
I would not kick this sort of guy out of bed too fast. Passive men carfuly handled can make very loyal husbands. But if you feed a Beta dog on Alpha dog food, the dog gets sick
Once you get him happy, this sort of guy will be amazingly open to negotiation - and everybody wins (if it's done with love).
Alpha males don't compromise easily. Withhold sex from them for 2 weeks and they are ready to DO SOMETHING about it.
Most woman in the first instance are erotically attracted to the Alphas. But truth be known, they are not easy to live with long term, unless they have done a lot of work on themselves.
With the Beta male, YOU have to take on the task of bringing out the best in him. Give him good sex and he will purr like the cat that got the cream.
You put that smile on his face - why not take a pride in your work?
Moving out....moving on?
