Is this coming to an end

Anne1 · 11-19-2010, 04:07 AM

I met my hubby 11 years ago. At that stage I was financially doing very well while he was struggling. We moved in together after dating a couple of months due to his financial difficulties. I helped him financially to a point where de was out of debt and could afford a car. We got married a bit more than a year later. He wanted to buy a house as my apartment was too small. I did not agree but did not want him to be unhappy so went along. We areed on a place, his choice, even though I felt that it needed too much work. He started out helping but soon it stopped as he started working weird hours and was rarely around. I worked very hard to still maintain the house after a 10 hour day at work. I got pregnant, it was a very difficult pregnancy and I was very sick most of the time. I could not afford to stop working as we needed the money. My husband started having a fling with a much younger girl during this period. He said nothing really happened and I decided to believe him. Shortly after my daughter was born we sold the house and moved to another house. Things was going well. My husband was spending more time at home, he was helping me around the house and financially we were doing well. Then he decided to start his own business. I was against the idee. I felt that he did not have the business experience needed, only the technical experience. Lots of arguing followed, I eventually told him that I would stand by him no matter what. He went into a partnership with somebody. It did not work. Financially it left us in a bit of a situation. He then went into another partnership. This ended after several months. We were more in debt than before. He could not get a job with a salary high equally to the debt payments. The only way out was to start our own business. I agreed to this conditionally that I would be financially in charge, seeing that I had the experience so lacking in him. I made a loan. This was the biggest mistake I ever made. I wanted to help him, I thought he would learn to accept my judgement. The last two years we have been in business together. We have been going through great as well as bad times. He won't listen to me and when things go wrong he comes to me to fix it. I have been slowly getting more in debt trying to help him. The business has potential to do well if he just listen. During the times that he do we do very well. At home he helps with very little. I work for 4 companies (his including), to earn enough to pay the bills, then I go home, clean, do laundry, cook etc. We are also very involved at church, his doing. I have no time for myself. I also do the maintenance, painting etc on the house. He feels that I am neglecting him. Not enough sex. The more I do the more I must do. He also feels that I am not looking after myself. The fact that there is no money or time for that does not matter. We had so many discussions about our problems, trying to work things out, but he always promise that things will change just to work on it for 2 or 3 wekks and then go back to normal. I love my husband and I think he loves me but I think he is more important to himself than our relationship. I'm not blameless either. I don't want to just accept things and let go, I fight, I complain. I am so tired. I really believe that we have the components needed for a great marriage, we love each other, we believe in till deth do us part, we have a great kid. Can He change? I don't know if I am prepared to sacrifice myself to make it work. What am I going to do? This has been going on for so long. I can't go on.

Rob774 · 11-19-2010, 10:05 AM

You sound stressed out. Take a few days off, see a MC, and try to start over. You are overwhelmed, and then having to deal with the drama of a marriage with a person you are not on the same page with doesn't help. You guys need to go together and then if you find yourselves amicable, then iron out a stategy on how you two should conduct things outside the home. Because a lot of this to me is... A leads to B which leads to C. Address your earliest concerns first and perhaps the latter will fix itself out.

Applepies · 11-19-2010, 10:19 AM

I'm exhausted just from reading all you do. I think it's catching up to you. There is only so much we can do in a day and then to have someone tell us it's not enough? That's crazy making.

I know some women are great at doing so much and keeping it altogether, sounds like you have done amazing things over the years. I wish I could be more like that.

It sounds like though your dh is taking you for granted and you are becoming resentful. Are their counselors at your church? You need assistance in getting through to your husband that it's all becoming too much.

Anne1 · 11-21-2010, 01:20 AM

After spending another long day cleaning, fixing the pool he came home and immediately starting messing. I left it but asked nicely to please cleane up. This morning I told my daughter that she did not cleane up and that I am not happy. My husband immediately got angry because I "was ontop of them so early". He started going on about how I also left a paper next to the bed rather than cleaning last night. I exploded, packed a bag and left home. He has send several messages since telling me that I make them unhappy, that I always complain etc etc. I think about moving out, even if it is for a couple of days. Just give myself time to think, but who's going to care for the animals while I'm gone, I'm waisting money by booking into a guesthouse. Why am I always worried about everything? I don't want to talk to a MC at church. Everybody knows us and I don't want to hang our dirty laundry in public infront of people that knows us. Rather talk to someone that doesn't know us. I think I will take a day or two away from them to think, then if my husband wants to carry on with the marriage we must go and see a MC. I can't carry on.

Anne1 · 11-22-2010, 02:23 AM

After several calls he asked if we can talk. I said yes. We met for lunch but did not talk about our problems. He asked me to come home. I agreed on condition things change. He agreed, as so many times before. I have been dissapointed so many times, He always makes promises and never keeps them. However I think if things are going to change I will have to make a stand. I'm going to make a list of everything that needs to be done at home and asign tasks. If someone has not done his share I'm not doing it. I think I'll give him the rooms only used by us so that if anybody cometo visit it at least looks okay. My daughter must clean her room, if not it can be messy and I will just close the door. At work no more helping out from my side. If he does not stick to the agreed rules I'm not helping out again. I must just stand my ground, no giving in.

Jack99 · 11-22-2010, 09:49 PM

Anne - You are amazing. Fight the good fight. Don't give in!

credamdóchasgra · 11-23-2010, 11:08 AM

You sound like you're in a stronger place right now where you know what is fair in your mind and what you need from him.

I really hope you do go to a marriage counselor together. It will help you stay strong and push him to make the changes you need him to make, and to appreciate what you do. I'm sure you can find someone outside your church community.

Whatever the financial cost, if you are at the point that you had to leave home to find some peace, it is worth it.