...I hope someone has some advice. I am unaware of where else I could get advice. I do suffer from anxiety and depression, have for most of my life and I think that has a lot do to with some of our marriage problem, but thats another problem in itself right now. I am worried that maybe I am being a push over right now in my marriage.
My husband has been causing me lots of anxiety since we've been married, about 2 years. He is constantly texting other women and requesting nude pics of these women. We have discussed him having a problem, and how his actions hurt me and just when I think everything is smoothed over again I find evidence otherwise. This has been going for almost two years. He purchases porn often, more so then what I would consider normal, wasting money and time, when there are more things he could be doing to help around the house instead.
I have found several numbers on his cell and several texts from various women. I dont think he is having affairs because I always check up on these numbers and they are always from far away. I just keep hoping he will change and that things will get better. I have asked him to seek counseling and now I am at the point in my life where I am really considering leaving.
However he has put up with all of my problems with anxiety and depression and I kind of feel
guilty about that because if he does have a sex addiction problem I would hate to just leave him. But he has not shown me in consideration either in my problems, he has just simply put up with them.
Also the thought of living by myself really concerns me because of my anxiety. Hope someone has some advice. Thanks.
Your husband’s behavior is exacerbating your anxiety and depression, not the other war around. You have talked to him about how his habits impact you and he has not altered his behavior. Also “putting up” with your issues is not what a spouse should do. They should be willing to help their spouse with support, comfort and advice. These are the things you appear to be wanting to do for him to help him with his habits. You should not fear leaving and being alone. It may be better for you to live alone without a spouse that doesn’t support you in your needs. From the opposite direction have you and he discussed your sex life to determine if he is needing something more there? Would improvement there, help him with getting rid of the things that hurt you? The two of you need to communicate these issues clearly so that you are both happier. Good luck.
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Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
Yes I have talked to him about our sex life andt and he says that everything is fine, and that he doesnt want me to feel uncomfortable, he also has said that he doesn't really enjoy sex as much as what it seems.
He says he's mainly just bored or he feels he needs attention. I do give him attention, but things cant constantly always be about him. I am in the process of helping myself with my problems, and I also like time to myself and I feel like I cant focus on any of that because I feel like everytime I use some time to myself that he will use it to do the things that hurt me. I also want to start having kids but not with someone like this.
Just from what you've written I see three things going on here:
1. Your husband's addiction
2. your inability to live on your own
3. your lack of self-worth
Two of these issues are in your control. Sometimes the issue with marrying someone with such an overtly destructive addiction is it can mask the other person's problems. He does have a problem. But you cant control that. You can work on you. You mentioned that he has 'put up with' your issues. That is a red flag to me that your self esteem is very low right now. You need to work on that. You will not get it from him. I read an absolutely great book called Feeling Good by David D. Burns. I also suffer from depression, anxiety and my husband is a sex addict. Reading this book has really helped me take baby sets to break away from being the victim.
To protect yourself from his behavior here are some good sites: Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self http://www.mudrashram.com/dysfunctionalfamily2.html
Also, if you feel up to it alanon meetings will be a great place for you to go. They are actually meetings for family and friends of alcoholics but i go and just refer to my husbands addiction. its an extremely supportive environment with women (mostly) that are in very similar situations Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
If you cant make it to meetings there are some very good reading material on there.
There wont be any resolutions to this problem until you stop focusing on him and start focusing on you. There is a lot of information here take your time to let yourself go through it and discover how to help yourself. You dont have to fix everything today. But as long as you keep taking baby steps to regain control of yourself, things will get better.
Thanks for the advice.....I have a couple of questions for you ljtseng if you dont mind. Has your husband ever sought help? How do you deal with this sex addiction? How can you look at your husband lovingly during intimate moments knowing he is the way he is...sometimes it makes my skin crawl. I can't help it, I guess I dont know how to deal with it. thanks for the advice both of you..it was helpful....
How can you look at your husband lovingly during intimate moments knowing he is the way he is.
I dont! I hate his guts. i hate how disposable i feel and how i feel like i'm second choice. i told him the other day that i was sick of being with him, that i wanted to be someone's fantasy and not someone's second choice. We didnt talk for a couple days.
Those 'intimate moments' (which includes more then just sex) are now off limits. Sometimes i ask him to sleep on the couch because i cant even stand being in the same bed as him when im sleeping. its not punitive in any way. i am just trying to heal and these are the things that help me heal. I can not keep provoking such strong resentment and pain if i ever expect to heal. I have to protect myself.
he went to counseling once last year for a couple sessions. he's going back again b/c he's afraid i'll leave if he doesnt. which i would.
im still smack in the middle of dealing with this. But emotionally, im so much better off these days. i dont take his addiction as personally anymore and i can handle what im feeling without becoming debilitated by it. i did most of the things i listed above-read, counseling, talking to family, going to alanon, discussion forums. And really, you've never been through this before. there's no one stop shop to managing all emotional dysfunction. it just takes time. Give yourself room to freak out, do it wrong, do it wrong again, go off the deep again, but just remember there's always hope if you dont give up on yourself.
And remember what you want is to feel OK and good about yourself. Your misconception is that he has to change for you to feel good again. He doesnt have to change. You have to change.
Maybe I am asking too much to think that my husband should only want to see me naked and should be satisfied with this. Not seek out every opportunity to see every other woman in the world naked.
He has stated that he does not think that he has a problem with sex addiction. That he just gets bored. I wonder sometimes if maybe he just wants someone else. I have looked at some of the signs of sex addiction and some fit but most dont. If he doesn't have an addiction problem is it possible that he could just be a giant *******!!!
I found some pics on his email account the other day of some other woman naked wanting to meet up with him. His response was of course a lie as to why he couldnt.
I know he seeks out phone sex with these women, and I feel like I want to have less and less to do with him. He tries to buy me things after he has done these things to make himself feel better, and I know thats why. Of course that makes me feel bad, because I know its not genuine emotion.
ljtseng i applaud you for your efforts to try and keep your marriage together, but I just wonder if it's worth it for me to even try to make things better.
well honestly if i was in your situation i think i would leave. my husband is extremely apologetic and is very willing to admit he has a problem. he is getting help. we do workbooks together. if he wasnt willing to do these things there's no way i could stay. i think what you are going through is abuse.
if i found pictures and invites from other women on my husbands computer it would crush me. i know logically it seems unreasonable to think you should be the only person he wants to see naked. i think the same thing too. but i cant logically explain away how his actions are making me feel. as OK as i want to think it should be, its just not OK and that's what ive learned to trust.
I know my husband wants to see other women naked. i want to see other men naked. but if spouses act on lustful desires, there's no way marriage can work. Logically you can reason it out so you think its ok, but the emotions never add up. Its just not right and i have no idea why.
i don't think you are a pushover, but you need to think about what is and is not acceptable behavior to you. like maybe you can deal with the porn, but no chatting/texting "real" women no matter where they live. hear his side of the issue and compromise. if not maybe you should consider leaving him, seek help for the other issues b/c God forbid, what if he leaves you or something, you want to be able to function with or without him.
i don't think you are a pushover, but you need to think about what is and is not acceptable behavior to you. like maybe you can deal with the porn, but no chatting/texting "real" women no matter where they live. hear his side of the issue and compromise. if not maybe you should consider leaving him, seek help for the other issues b/c God forbid, what if he leaves you or something, you want to be able to function with or without him.
Am I a pushover??
