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Married 11 years! Need some advice from this forum?
Ok here goes.
I’m 41 year old guy, married to my wife for 11 years. We have two great kids, both boys, who are 9 and 7 years old. Were starting to have some serious problems I feel like.
As a preface: I'm honestly a very easy going guy, and typically try to avoid conflict at home. I came from a simple but stable family of married parents, and a younger brother. Very "Leave it to Beaver" I tell people. My wife and I dated for about 6 years before we married. Her background is catholic, and she’s from a big family with lots of extended "family". You can take that to mean, lots of chaos and alcohol. My family is southern and Presbyterian, so were really basic people.
A little more preface: My wife also has epilepsy and her medicine changed recently. This new medicine has made her moody and depressed. She doesn’t work, and we made the commitment to have her stay home and raise the kids. I was good with that, and wanted our boys to have the peace and sanctuary of having their mom around.
In the recent years things have become very difficult for me. My business took a down turn and I was out of work for about a year. We had plenty of savings, so money wasn’t that big of a deal.
The major problem: Basically, she’s become very argumentative, and I feel like she’s lost respect for me thru all this. I have to really watch what I say, or she tries to make me feel bad, and then uses what I say later. She’s gotten very sarcastic to me, and makes fun of me to her friends.
The second major problem: Recently she’s denied sex, and that really made me feel like something is wrong. She’s always had an ok sex drive, and I do everything I can to stay in shape (run, swim a mile 3 x a week, lift weights, etc), so it’s not like I’m an unattractive slob. She has body issues, and feels that she’s fat. She's a tall woman in her build (she’s 5’-10” about 170 lbs), and could stand to loose some weight, but I like her size and body. We used to have sex about every two weeks or so, but lately it’s almost never. I always have to initiate the sex, but when I do she gets into it. Its not like I get off and she says ok your done I’m going to sleep.
I think staying at home all the time has ruined her. I’m really confused by all this, and feel like she needs a counselor to help her with some basic confidence issues she has. I don’t want to get a divorce, but do want her to feel better about her life. I don’t understand where the resentment comes from on her end. I know I’m not going to win best husband of the year award, but from what I know about other couples in our lives, I’m pretty proud of myself, I just wish she would be proud and happy and fulfilled in our marriage.
I guess there are alot of complex issues going around here, as there would be with a long term committed realationship, and I don’t know if this is a good post or not. Just read and ask some questions, I’ll try to elaborate.
Re: Married 11 years! Need some advice from this forum?
Sounds tough. I really sympathize. I'm easy-going and my wife wife is moody and doesn't really work either. But, I wonder, did all this start with the change medicine? If that's true, search for an alternative, it may be at the root of the problem.
Otherwise, you (like me) have to *man up* and not take this kind of grief. You don't deserve to live life that way. Do *not* make the same mistake I did and let the situation fester. Put it on the front burner. You have everything to gain - and everything to lose.
Re: Married 11 years! Need some advice from this forum?
What was her job before she decided to stay at home? Did she find it fulfilling? Is there any way she can go back to work part-time, while the kids are in school? Why do you feel that staying at home has ruined her? I'm interested in this, because I've been grappling with that choice for awhile now, and what I want my future to be like. I think for some people, it is a great choice, but it requires a certain degree of motivation--to get involved in outside groups, to get out of the house, etc. and can be very depressing if these activities aren't there. It could be that with your wife's illness, she feels uncomfortable going out, while simultaneously feeling trapped, bored, and depressed when staying in because she misses out on that social contact.
I'm sorry that she's been hostile about you to her friends; maybe she resents the fact that you no longer worked/provided for a short time. And I think maybe there's also a possibility that she's jealous of you. It could be that she saw herself in you when you stopped working, and used you as a target for her anger when she was really upset with herself. Does this sound like it could be accurate?
Has she complained to you about not helping around the house, not being a good enough dad, not doing this or that nitpicky thing? Have you two been out on a date together recently? Do you still do nice gestures for each other when you're home? And, importantly, are you being a doormat or too "nice?" It doesn't sound like it, and I hope not
Re: Married 11 years! Need some advice from this forum?
She was an architect as well in her previous work before kids. I think she found it fun and enjoyable. Architects are often the only people that understand other architects. We have worked together at previous offices and in better times talked about having our own office together.
She has stayed in tune with other people and volunteers regularly at the kids school, church and various kids activities.
I dont feel like shes trapped at home all day at all. She can be very outgoing, and people like her, and find her funny.
I see that she has problems focusing, and finishing one or two of the 100's of things she starts, but can never manage to complete.
I think the layoffs in my business affected our relationship, and its been hard for me to get back up to where I was a few years ago. The volume of work is just not there. That's an economic debate and not one for this forum however.
I think she's overwhelmed. I have received some comments that I'm not a good dad (b/c I'm not around much during the week...), and that I need to do more? I do the laundry most of the time, and clean up the kitchen after dinner. I do a lot of the freaking yard work, which in the summer is full Saturday project. I think she's just run down, maybe we need a good vacation to Hawaii or some exotic island for a few weeks. I don't know what the complaint could be about the life we've created together?
2 great kids. Everybody is perfectly health and happy (except for the epliepsy deal). Nice house to live in. All I hear from her recently is bitterness and anger. Disagreement with most everything I say. I guess I'm just about fed up, really.
Re: Married 11 years! Need some advice from this forum?
I am trying to think if I were her.
You used to have a high paying job, now you don't have it. even though you have a lot of savings and your life is not affected, but you are living off your savings, she feels that your life is different now. If she likes to compare her life with others, she doesn't have the kind of superior feeling among her female friends anymore.
You sound like a very nice man, she is making her own life miserable by thinking negatively.
Money is not everything in life, and your family is not suffering, people's life have ups and downs, if she goes to church, she'd better focus on the chapter to learn to be content with what you have!
Re: Married 11 years! Need some advice from this forum?
Hm, maybe she is overwhelmed. I think it might be more likely though that she is just bored and restless. Unfortunately, the happiness from having a nice house or a healthy family dissipates after awhile in the same way that lottery winners aren’t happy forever; obviously, a good life is much better than material wealth, but it’s very easy to equilibrate to how things are. We’re all guilty of not appreciating everything everyday. It could be that she’s just manufacturing unhappiness or drama as a response to feeling bored and just a little anxious…It’s hard to feel proud and content if you don’t truly feel like you’re accomplishing something concrete all day. I'm sure her activities and school events with the boys are rewarding, but they're not the same as finishing a big, work-related project.
I think, though, that there is some truth in the assertion that staying at home is stressful. I honestly don't know if I could ever do it. Even though each individual thing she does might be mind numbing and ridiculously easy, she still has to do everything everyday, and never really gets a true break. Always having at least one little annoying task to complete can really take a toll on the psyche…She might feel stressed out for no reason, upset at herself for feeling that way, bored, guilty for feeling bored, etc. then direct it all at you because you’re the closest person to her.
I think going on a vacation to reconnect would be an absolutely wonderful idea in this situation! Especially if you haven’t recently. It sounds like you both could use a real break from all the little hassles that build up. I think it would be good to approach it as a vacation for the both of you together--not just a “pampering” gift you’re giving to her--because it will start to get her thinking about your relationship again and what you can do as partners
What do you mean when you say you’re not around much during the week? Like, out of town, or just working late and coming home after the kids are asleep? I think this is a legitimate complaint on her part and one that you should address by changing your actions if you can and if your job will let you. Yes, it’s her “job” to stay at home, but I’m sure spending more time and engaging more with your kids would benefit everybody in the family If you can, make an effort to spend more time with your kids.
NOW… About the chores… You may already understand what I’m about to say, but I’ll say it anyway because I’ve seen a lot of men fall into a trap when it comes to housework. I do NOT think it is a wise idea to start catering to her every deman--I mean, “request for help” with respect to chores. Seriously, it’s a bad, baaad idea and here’s why: if you help more and more, she will feel even more entitled to that help and it will soon become the expectation--she will equilibrate and no longer be thankful. Then she might start feeling guilty that you do so much while working full time…This guilt can easily smolder and turn into resentment, and she has no one to direct it at other than you. Currently, it seems like you do a fair amount of chores--my advice would be to keep doing these things and do them well and without complaining. Then, if she’s really feeling overworked and wants to talk with you calmly about reassigning tasks, listen to her! DON’T give in, however, IF she seems angry or distracted and is looking to blame those feelings on you by saying you don’t help enough…Women sometimes say that because they feel like it’s what they should say; it gives them an excuse or a reason for their negative emotions, when it’s hardly ever the REAL reason. If you do agree to help more, DON’T just agree to “help more;” pick a specific task (taking out the trash every night, putting the kids to bed every night, etc.) and build it into your routine and own it. Routines bring comfort--yes, you equilibrate and get used to them, but they’re more harmonious than getting used to whining or acting b****y to get a spouse to help more.
Wow this was really long, but I hope it helps at least a little!
Married 11 years! Need some advice from this forum? 
