Could my wife be gay?
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Old 11-25-2010, 11:40 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Could my wife be gay?

My wife has asked for a divorce after 18 years because she says she is not happy. Of coarse, I am leaning on friends who seem confused, and after describing our sex life, some have suggested she might be gay. I have personally known two couples who were married for years with kids and then one announced they were gay. What do you think?
My wife's sexual desire was never what I thought it should be. In the early days of our marriage, she acted as though she was crazy about me by the way she looked at me and talked about me. She loved physical touch such as cuddling, foot massage, rubbing her hair, holding hands, etc, but that didn't lead to anything else as much as I would like. After the honeymoon, we quickly got down to once a week, and over our marriage, we would go for several weeks. My wife does have a tough job and always said it was because she was tired. She was either in the mood or not; if she was not, she was not interested in any foreplay to attempt arrousal. Due to her being on birth control, we planned for both of our children and she had to get off birth control for a period. Even during that time, she wasn't overly sexual. We still maintained our usual frequency and she would seem puzzled as to why she wasn't pregnant. I jokingly told her that one had to have sex in order to get pregnant. She was also never into anything too spicy, just the basic act. She tried giving me oral sex a few times early in our marriage, but said she just couldn't do it. However, she would accept oral from me. Sexual things that we did earlier she later stopped. Because she knew i was in the mood, she would sometimes give me a hand job, but she didn't always want anything for herself. In the last few years, she said she sometimes felt uncomfortable having sex unless we were under the covers, and she would sometimes ask to leave her bra on and didn't want me to touch her breasts. Although we would give each other a peck on the lips as we leaft for work every morning, passionate kissing became scarce, even during sex. She told me once that once you got to sex, she thought kissing was a weak act. She always seemed to enjoy sex and having an orgasm once we got there, but it wasn't something she apparently thought about a lot. She also told me that when she was a teen, she never thought much about the good looking boys on tv like other girls did. She also said she never masturbated as a young girl(I'm not sure if that means anything, but just thought i would include it). We are currently seperated at her request, and in the last few months, it seems that the thoughts of me as a husband makes her depressed and sick, and she wanted no part of any kind of intimacy. Does any of this sound like she could be gay?

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Old 11-25-2010, 11:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could my wife be gay?

Sounds like a fitness test.

The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference

Lots of food for thought here.
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Old 11-25-2010, 01:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could my wife be gay?

I don't know that her being gay would be the conclusion I would automatically jump to. It could be, as harsh as it sounds, just a matter of her not being attracted to and/or in love with you. When I was with my first husband, I was not attracted to him and had no loving feelings toward him, so I had absolutely no interest at all in sex. But with my boyfriend, I'm ready to jump him at every possible chance, because I am attracted to him and I'm very much in love with him.

Did she ever express interest in women? Have you ever seen her checking out women? Being overly interested in a movie's nude or half nude scene when a woman is on screen? Anything at all, besides lack of sex and interest in you, that would indicate an interest in women?

It's really kind of hard to say for sure what's going on here. Have you tried talking to her, to find out what's going on in her head, regarding all of this?
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Old 11-25-2010, 01:20 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could my wife be gay?

Well... Except for your line "she never thought about good looking boys on tv", I think I could have written your post word for word. Oh, I guess she never resorted to "under cover" sex or protecting certain areas of her body... She won't typically go prancing around nude though, either.

I don't suspect my wife is gay, but I could be wrong. I just think she has a much lower sex drive than I do. And it's driving me bonkers. Doesn't seem to be bothering her much, though... I also suspect she has self esteem issues, which is causing quite a few of our problems. It hasn't helped that she's put on weight over the years, and I'm back down to my college weight and waist size in the past 2 years.

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Old 11-25-2010, 03:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could my wife be gay?

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Originally Posted by atruckersgirl View Post
I don't know that her being gay would be the conclusion I would automatically jump to. It could be, as harsh as it sounds, just a matter of her not being attracted to and/or in love with you. When I was with my first husband, I was not attracted to him and had no loving feelings toward him, so I had absolutely no interest at all in sex. But with my boyfriend, I'm ready to jump him at every possible chance, because I am attracted to him and I'm very much in love with him.

Did she ever express interest in women? Have you ever seen her checking out women? Being overly interested in a movie's nude or half nude scene when a woman is on screen? Anything at all, besides lack of sex and interest in you, that would indicate an interest in women?

It's really kind of hard to say for sure what's going on here. Have you tried talking to her, to find out what's going on in her head, regarding all of this?
My wife does now say that she is no longer in love with me, but says things were great in the beginning. She was always telling me I was handsome and like cuddling, etc, but she never seemed as interested in sex as much as I thought she should be.
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Old 11-25-2010, 03:59 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could my wife be gay?

I am a woman....

I love sex but I don't have to have it that often....if I'm not stressed out from work etc. I want it more often....so my desire is definitely depending on my stress level....

I love to look at beautiful women and I sometimes save their pics on my computer....

I am definitely 100% NOT gay !!!!!

I've never kissed a woman or even had a sexual encounter.....I have no desire to experience this whatsoever !!!!

I love looking at handsome men just as much (or even more).....

I love to look at those women....believe it or not....for inspiration.....

I am at 175 lbs now and when I met my husband I was 125 lbs and smoking hot !!!!!

I "use those women" to keep me motivated.....I want my belly to look like hers....I want boobs like that one day...

Your wife might just like to look at women and just have a low sex drive naturally.....that doesn't mean that she's gay....
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Old 01-07-2011, 05:01 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Countdown to banishment......
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Old 01-07-2011, 05:19 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could my wife be gay?

3 - 2 - 1
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Old 01-07-2011, 06:45 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could my wife be gay?

No, she's not gay, she's just not into you. Welcome to my world and that of half the men on this forum.
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Old 01-07-2011, 06:50 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could my wife be gay?

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Originally Posted by Pandakiss View Post
hi--

i thnk you are still looking for closure that is not comming. im sorry it happened to you. you are a good person.
she didnt lo9ve you anymore. she didnt want to be married to you anymore. that is very life altering. i understand that.

you have to accept this is what it is. im sorry. i dont want to be mean, but there is only closeing the book on this. you can do this. you are strong. stop looking for answers that either you cant find or dont really dont want to hear. it will be ok. tommorow will be better than today. next week will be better than last week. feb. 1st will be better than jan 1st, better than dec 1st....
You are right. I'm already getting better mentally. I'm a person who applies logic in my life, and this just makes no sense whatsoever; I'm just trying to understand, but I know I'll get over it.

My friends tell me I appear to be handling this better than most people would. It just seems like a lot of lives have been turned upside down for a lot of nonesense, but what do i know.

I do recognize the mistakes that I made; I basically agree that she had the right to be unhappy, I just don't think divorce was the answer. If i could make sense of this, I feel it would be easier not to make the same mistakes if i have another relationship.
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Old 01-07-2011, 06:54 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could my wife be gay?

Lack of interest in sex doesn't equate to being gay. She might have always had a low sex drive, and it's just gotten worse over time. BUT...what if she WAS gay? Would that make any difference?
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Old 01-07-2011, 07:06 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Lack of interest in sex doesn't equate to being gay. She might have always had a low sex drive, and it's just gotten worse over time. BUT...what if she WAS gay? Would that make any difference?
If she was gay it would be a clear "answer" as to why she didn't want me. It would raise a few more questions, but it would at least be a reason for divorce that made sense.
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Old 01-07-2011, 07:25 PM   #13 (permalink)
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If she was gay it would be a clear "answer" as to why she didn't want me. It would raise a few more questions, but it would at least be a reason for divorce that made sense.
In all honesty, it doesn't sound like she was ever that "in love" in the first place. At this point I think if I had any questions at all, it would be why did she ever get married, instead of why did she want a divorce. It doesn't sound like she ever gave her all to you or the marriage. I supposed it's possible that she COULD be gay, but that might be stretching things. It's just as possible that she's not, and she just married the wrong person. Which is bad for you, b/c that means YOU married the wrong person as well.
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Old 01-08-2011, 09:05 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could my wife be gay?

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In all honesty, it doesn't sound like she was ever that "in love" in the first place. At this point I think if I had any questions at all, it would be why did she ever get married, instead of why did she want a divorce. It doesn't sound like she ever gave her all to you or the marriage. I supposed it's possible that she COULD be gay, but that might be stretching things. It's just as possible that she's not, and she just married the wrong person. Which is bad for you, b/c that means YOU married the wrong person as well.
This thread is a bit older and she has since started dating another guy, so that may answer my question. As for her never being "in love" in the first place, that may be true, but I don't think anyone could have acted more in love. She actually pursued me. She recently told me that the first several years of our marriage was good and that she didn't look at it as a mistake because she didn't consider her kids a mistake. She does come from an emotionally needy family, so I don't know what could have been going through her mind when we married. If what she was expressing in the beginning wasn't love, though, then I'm scared to try it with anyone else.
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Old 01-08-2011, 09:23 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by southbound View Post
then I'm scared to try it with anyone else.
Do not be afraid, all women are different ! Amazingly so. Just as all men are different. You sound like a great guy, many would be happy to find such a man. You may be pleasently surprised, meet as many as you can, do not jump in head 1st for any. After all the trouble you have had in your marraige with sex, you may find the complete opposite of her (in the bedroom,) and come to feel this divorce was not such a bad thing after all.

Do not fear . Get yourself out there. I have this book on my shelf called "Feel the Fear & do it anyway".

Amazon.com: Feel the Fear . . . and Do It Anyway (9780345487421): Susan Jeffers: Books
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