As some of you know, I just finished reading the book, The
Five Love Languages. Several forum members have recommended this book over the past few months. It is a great book! Now I understand what was going wrong in my marriage--I just wished I could have read it five years ago. However, it may be too late for me. I did give it to my husband tonight to read (we are separated). I just hope it will have an impact on his thinking. Anyway, has anyone else read any great marriage or self help books lately? Any that you recommend?
I am curious about this book! What does it say? Maybe you can tell us? Look forward to talking more with you about it!
I ordered "After the affair" Janis Abrahms Spring and Michael Spring, from my therapists recommendation. Have not recieved it yet but she says it's a "must read" and leave it out on the table so your wayward spouse can see if they haven't fessed up (as long as there are no children around of course).
In The Five Love Languages, five catagories of "needs" are explained in depth. They are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts, and physical touch. Out of these catagories, most busbands and wifes have different needs. My husband thrived on words of affirmation, and physical touch. I, however, needed quality time and acts of service. This is where we went wrong. My husband was trying to communicate to me thru his love languages and I was trying to communicate to my husband thru my love languages. Neither of us were getting what we needed to feel loved.
So, over time people who aren't feeling love grow apart, fight, cheat, etc. This book has definately opened my eyes to why people have marriage problem. Many of the post on this forum are clearly the end result of spouses not speaking each others "love language". Since many of the post clearly illustrate early signs of this phenomenon, I am now recommending this book. I'm sorry to be a bore, but I feel it is important to get to the root of the problems.
Cao, let me know how After The Affair is. I may need to add that one to my list.
The vast majority of the books help with a certain type of relationship or a couple undergoing certain issues, but The Five Love Languages really is a must read for just about everyone, hopefully before they get married. I'll expand just a little bit on what has previously been said.
Basically there are five primary languages that people speak when it comes to love. These languages can be developed over time by a person's childhood and history. But what's not important is how they have developed that language, but what the language is and how to communicate to them. In reality, few couples speak the same "love language" and that's where things fall apart once the honeymoon phase (anywhere from 6 months to 2 years) ends.
One example:
A man may tell his wife he loves her constantly, comments on her looks, and whispers in her ear what he wants to do with her that night when they go to bed. Why? Because that is what makes him feel most loved so he assumes it will do the same to her. Meanwhile his wife is coming home from work only to have to take care of the toddler and clean up the house. The husband is hinting to the wife what he needs to feel loved (word of affirmation and physical contact) while the wife is hinting to her husband what she needs to feel really loved and connected (acts of service like washing the dishes or turning off the tv and playing with their kid.) Each needs something different, they drop hints by doing for their spouse what they would like most, but in the end neither are getting what they need and they just feel like their spouse just doesn't get them anymore. The woman doesn't feel connected to her husband and physical contact drops, while the man feels rejected and grows more distant and less likely to help around the house or with their child. It's a catch 22 that can spiral out of control. Two people that initially were deeply in love and attracted to one another spend years growing more distant as they fail to understand why their spouse doesn't love them, when in reality, they just don't know how to love them in the manner they understand or matters the most.
The trick is stop treating your partner how you want to be treated, and to communicate with each other in order to discover what is most important to them. Then each partner can stop doing what they need to feel loved, and do what their partner needs to feel loved. As the book says, it's not easy, habits formed over a lifetime don't just shift over night. But results can be dramatic and immediate with small changes and each partner just needs to commit to keeping on doing what their partner needs until those new habits are formed. In the end you can have an extremely strong marriage out of one that seamed on death's door.
I am a firm supporter of this book. It sounds so incredibly basic, but it's something many people just don't get. Required reading for people entering a marriage to understand what's ahead after the honeymoon phase is over. It's very easy to read and worth every penny.
I have only one problem with this book. The author really pushes finding your "primary" language and not to let another language mask it. That as long as you can discover that primary language and have those needs met, your set. I see it more like, while you do have a primary language, you can find bits and pieces of the other languages that also speak to you. Use the book not to just discover your primary, but recognize if something else means a lot to you as well and make sure your spouse understands it's importance to you as well.
As with many books, it's effectively about opening communication and discovering what means most to your partner and open dialog into how to meet those needs. It is also a self discovery tool, because you may not even realize what is most important to you until you really sit down and think it all out.
Actually, because there are so many books covering so many different aspects (or problems with) marriage, it would actually be cool to have a specific forum for reviewing books/products. It would allow people to get immediate recommendations on books that helped someone else get through a similar situation.
Marriage And Self Help Books....
