General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I need to vent, if anyone wants to give me advice, I'll gladly take it.
All I ever wanted in my marriage was to be happy, loved, and never taken for granted. After only being married five months, I am feeling like I don't have these things. We got married in June of this year and he started a "friendship" with a young female coworker in September. My husband has been working at that office for two years and she has been working in that office for a year and a half. They would text each other about work related things, then in September they began texting excessively. I found out on my birthday when I saw two pictures of the same woman in his email. She was fully clothed except wearing a short shirt exposing her stomach and posing in what I thought was a provacative way, these aren't the type of pictures a woman would send to her parents or friends. She had taken these pictures with her phone and sent them to his phone, except he emailed these pictures to his email addresses, so as to save them, and then deleted the pictures from his phone. He never told me about this "friendship," as a matter of fact he deleted all the text messages as soon as they texted, which was (I kid you not) all day long. On the weekends when I needed to study, he would lay in the next room and text her. He would even go in the bathroom and stay in there for about 40 minutes, doing who knows what?! I thought it was a little weird that he was going in the bathroom and spending a lot of time in there and he said he was playing "words with friends" while on the potty, and I believed him. But after I confronted him about these pictures and admitting having a "friendship" with a woman from work, he says he was "just killing dead time."
I felt hurt, confused, betrayed, sad, mad, unloved, disrespected, and alone. I was not sure what to make of his actions. What did they mean? Why would he do this? How could he do this? It has been two weeks since this happened and I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions. He has told me that he will never do that again, and has apologized numerous times but I'm not sure I fully trust or believe him. I want to work this out because I love him, but I still have all the negative feelings I had two weeks ago, and sometimes they hit me hard.
For example tonight during Thanksgiving dinner with my family I looked around at my parents and my sister and her boyfriend and new there was no way my dad or sister's boyfriend would ever do anything like that. It deeply saddened me and all of a sudden I felt like I had to put on an act like I was happy in my relationship.
Don't get me wrong, I was utterly happy and one would say I was walking on air before this happened, my sister even mentioned never seeing me so happy before. Now, I'm not sure I can look at my husband the same way I used to. I want to...but I'm not sure I can. I'm not sure he will ever be the husband I fell in love with or look at him in the same way, and to be quite frank, this devastates me...all of this. I feel like I am living my worst nightmare.
He has destroyed the trust you have for him. He had been a fool for having fun with somebody who is not important in his life at all, and he has hurt the one very important in his life. He is immature. Please don't mind me for saying that. A mature man knows clearly what he did is going to hurt his loving wife a lot and is going to cause a lot of pain in your relationship.
Now he has to try very hard to gain your trust again.
In order to run a happy marriage, honesty is required to be 100%.
He has destroyed the trust you have for him. He had been a fool for having fun with somebody who is not important in his life at all, and he has hurt the one very important in his life. He is immature. Please don't mind me for saying that. A mature man knows clearly what he did is going to hurt his loving wife a lot and is going to cause a lot of pain in your relationship.
Now he has to try very hard to gain your trust again.
In order to run a happy marriage, honesty is required to be 100%.
I don't mind at all, and I agree with you. Thank you for reading and replying.
Tell him that he has destroyed your trust and faith in him. In order to get it back, he can no longer delete any, ANY voicemail or text messages without you seeing or listening to them.
Find out her number and commit it to memory.
Look up your phone account online and compare it to his messages.
If he is not willing to do this, he's still hiding something and lying.
Tell him that he has destroyed your trust and faith in him. In order to get it back, he can no longer delete any, ANY voicemail or text messages without you seeing or listening to them.
Find out her number and commit it to memory.
Look up your phone account online and compare it to his messages.
If he is not willing to do this, he's still hiding something and lying.
I went through something similiar, although not exactly the same as you, don't know if I can be any help but at least you know you're not alone.
A couple years ago, my husband started playing an online game. He really got into it (no it's not world of warcraft), and was playing more and more. I had hurt my back and was laid up for about a week. He was online just about every minute he was home.
I was mad and jealous of all this time he was spending. He was ignoring me, so I ignored him. Things got worse. He'd be up until 1:00 in the morning playing the stupid game. He'd mentioned the gal's screen name....said she was funny. I grew angrier. My mistake, I didn't talk to him about it, just continued to ignore him.
Then one day, I came across some naked pictures of a woman on the computer with her screen name. I was devistated, and angry as hell. A huge fight followed, he stayed at a friend's for a few days. We talked and decided to work things out.
What we discovered was that we had started a vicious cycle. I was feeling neglected and instead of doing or saying anything, I ignored him. He was feeling ignored and neglected and instead of doing or saying anything about it, played the game more. We both realized that if either of us had said anything, or made an effort towards the other, this never would have happened.
I realize this is worse for you because the woman works with your hubby. I think you should just try to have a conversation with him about it. Not an argument. Tell him how much you love him, and what you love about him. Then tell him how this behavior with this woman makes you feel.
Even if he is just doing this to boost his ego, he is sending signals to this woman that he is interested in her. That is not OK.
I agree that is not the right thing for him to do. I did a very similar thing to my wife a couple of years ago. I did not have any intention of meeting the girl or anything like that. Honestly I was just doing it for fun, I guess that I liked that someone was that interested in me. It went on for a while and I would tell my friends about it and we would laugh. Not at my wife, but at the other girl. My wife eventually caught me and it stopped. My wife was so angry with me and it is understandable. Idiot me did it again and got caught. I have never touched another woman since the day I met my wife and I never would. I know that some people are going to say "that is how it starts", maybe that is true for some people, but not me. I spent a lot of boring late hours at work and kinda did it just for something to do. IT IS WRONG OF HIM AND IT WAS WRONG OF ME!!! I no longer do anything like that and I love my wife, I wouldn't even think of doing it again.
I have no idea of your husbands reasoning. I do know that acting like a crazy lady going through his stuff is not going to help. Try talking to him calm, I know it is hard. I know that when my wife flipped out on me it did not help the matter. In fact it made it worse, if you do decide to look at the phone bill do it in secret and keep it to yourself until you see a habit. If her number is in there 1-2 times a day for a message, I wouldn't be to worried. The phone is not the only thing that is going to make or break him. Watch his behavior toward you, is he "shady"? Does he take an extra hour to run to the store? Is he out drinking all night? I am not trying to justify what he is doing, I learned the hard way, it is wrong. I wish you luck, I just wanted to say try to stay calm when you tell him how it makes you feel. Don't stalk either, he will catch you and that will make things worse too. Remember men are good at this type of thing and they watch their back very well. I am sorry I put my wife through it and I am sorry that you have to go through it. Neither one of you deserve it. I am sorry if my truth hurts, but I have done the same thing as him, so I know a little about it. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.
I went through something similiar, although not exactly the same as you, don't know if I can be any help but at least you know you're not alone.
A couple years ago, my husband started playing an online game. He really got into it (no it's not world of warcraft), and was playing more and more. I had hurt my back and was laid up for about a week. He was online just about every minute he was home.
I was mad and jealous of all this time he was spending. He was ignoring me, so I ignored him. Things got worse. He'd be up until 1:00 in the morning playing the stupid game. He'd mentioned the gal's screen name....said she was funny. I grew angrier. My mistake, I didn't talk to him about it, just continued to ignore him.
Then one day, I came across some naked pictures of a woman on the computer with her screen name. I was devistated, and angry as hell. A huge fight followed, he stayed at a friend's for a few days. We talked and decided to work things out.
What we discovered was that we had started a vicious cycle. I was feeling neglected and instead of doing or saying anything, I ignored him. He was feeling ignored and neglected and instead of doing or saying anything about it, played the game more. We both realized that if either of us had said anything, or made an effort towards the other, this never would have happened.
I realize this is worse for you because the woman works with your hubby. I think you should just try to have a conversation with him about it. Not an argument. Tell him how much you love him, and what you love about him. Then tell him how this behavior with this woman makes you feel.
Even if he is just doing this to boost his ego, he is sending signals to this woman that he is interested in her. That is not OK.
I appreciate your feedback and advice. I will talk with him, not argue as I have been. I realize arguing will push us away more than we need right now. Thank you.
I agree that is not the right thing for him to do. I did a very similar thing to my wife a couple of years ago. I did not have any intention of meeting the girl or anything like that. Honestly I was just doing it for fun, I guess that I liked that someone was that interested in me. It went on for a while and I would tell my friends about it and we would laugh. Not at my wife, but at the other girl. My wife eventually caught me and it stopped. My wife was so angry with me and it is understandable. Idiot me did it again and got caught. I have never touched another woman since the day I met my wife and I never would. I know that some people are going to say "that is how it starts", maybe that is true for some people, but not me. I spent a lot of boring late hours at work and kinda did it just for something to do. IT IS WRONG OF HIM AND IT WAS WRONG OF ME!!! I no longer do anything like that and I love my wife, I wouldn't even think of doing it again.
I have no idea of your husbands reasoning. I do know that acting like a crazy lady going through his stuff is not going to help. Try talking to him calm, I know it is hard. I know that when my wife flipped out on me it did not help the matter. In fact it made it worse, if you do decide to look at the phone bill do it in secret and keep it to yourself until you see a habit. If her number is in there 1-2 times a day for a message, I wouldn't be to worried. The phone is not the only thing that is going to make or break him. Watch his behavior toward you, is he "shady"? Does he take an extra hour to run to the store? Is he out drinking all night? I am not trying to justify what he is doing, I learned the hard way, it is wrong. I wish you luck, I just wanted to say try to stay calm when you tell him how it makes you feel. Don't stalk either, he will catch you and that will make things worse too. Remember men are good at this type of thing and they watch their back very well. I am sorry I put my wife through it and I am sorry that you have to go through it. Neither one of you deserve it. I am sorry if my truth hurts, but I have done the same thing as him, so I know a little about it. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.
I am glad I got feedback from someone who was in my husband's shoes. Like you, I don't believe my husband will do it again. At least, I hope not. We have talked about it and will move on from this a step at a time because I feel our relationship's foundation has been through something similar to an earthquake. Rebuilding will take time and patience. Thank you for your response!
I know that when my husband and I finally sat down and calmly discussed the issue, he saw it very differently than I did. Like "sorryforeverything" said, he was just doing it for fun. It was an ego boost for him to have another woman interested in him. He didn't view it as betrayal at all, just something fun to entertain him.
When I explained how it made me feel, and the depth of betrayal I felt, it finally got through to him. It also never occured to him that in sending these signals to this other woman, that it was disrespectful to me. It really took me asking him "how would you feel if I did this or that?"
Not arguing is the key. He needs to hear what you are saying, and understand what you're feeling. Arguments just cause defensiveness and your point will be lost.
I know that when my husband and I finally sat down and calmly discussed the issue, he saw it very differently than I did. Like "sorryforeverything" said, he was just doing it for fun. It was an ego boost for him to have another woman interested in him. He didn't view it as betrayal at all, just something fun to entertain him.
When I explained how it made me feel, and the depth of betrayal I felt, it finally got through to him. It also never occured to him that in sending these signals to this other woman, that it was disrespectful to me. It really took me asking him "how would you feel if I did this or that?"
Not arguing is the key. He needs to hear what you are saying, and understand what you're feeling. Arguments just cause defensiveness and your point will be lost.
Thank you for your response, greatly appreciate it. I'm sure my husband now understands too the turmoil he has put me and us through, after a lot of arguing. We have agreed to not argue but to talk calmly about things. Although, I warned him, that I will not put up with this type of behavior in the future. I feel we are moving forward in a positive direction at this point and hope it continues that way. Thank you.
Venting 
