Ok so last night I asked him if he had cheated on me. My husband is a very honest person when asked he just doesnt always offer information. He told me No...but that he had been thinking about it for the last month or so. He said he would not act on it because we are married but the thought had crossed his mind. With one particular person that he is physically attracted to and has been talking to in text messages here and there but nothing personal and he hasnt talked to her about our relationship. She knows he is married and the conversations are light...like how you doing...doing anything fun this weekend. They havent gone out they saw each other about 2 months ago but it was at a group function not the two of them meeting up. Well we ended up getting into a fight which is really the first time we fought since he told me he is unhappy. I yelled at him and told him it wasnt fair that he has been unhappy for 4 years and just decided to tell me about it. He said that he cant talk about his feelings he keeps them bottled up until he just cant take it anymore and thats why he didnt tell me. I asked him if he realized that as long as he feels that way and doesnt fix it he will never have a sucessful relationship...he agreed. He said he has turned into his father which he never wanted to do (father is on his 3rd marriage and he hates his dad) He asked me if I wanted us to just stay married and pretend that we are happily ever after when we arent and for him to cheat on me because that would be what happened. I told him no but I expected that since we have been together for almost 10 years we deserved a chance to make things right. I asked him how he was so certain that we couldnt work things out and we couldnt get through this and he said he wasnt. But he also didnt say that he wanted to work things out. We both cried our eyes out and after the yelling stopped we talked a little about what both of us were lacking....neither of us felt appreciated, neither of us felt attractive....he said that he felt like we crossed out of the married zone and into the friend zone. We talked for a long time I ended up going in his room at the end of the night and laying with him just talking more...holding his hand with my leg draped over him. I told him that I was really glad that we talked and he said why because now you know what a jerk I am...I said no I just am glad we are finally able to talk about stuff. He then said he didnt feel like our conversation accomplished anything and I asked what were suppossed to accomplish and he said nothing....I dont know. I said I am still looking for a place to live. So I hugged and kissed him good night and went to bed. I have talked to him in IM today just about general stuff (he started it) but I am still so confused. I am an idioit to think that this isnt over and can still be saved?
A friend suggested that we do a trial seperation for like 2-3 months and tell him that it is just a trial seperation to see if we really dont want to be together. Part of the problem is last night I asked him if in 6 months he realized he made a mistake would he tell me and he said No. When I asked why he said because it wouldnt be fair to me for him to maybe be able to hurt me again...because who is to say that he wouldnt hurt me again.
i can only tell you from my stand point and how things worked out with me. trial separation doesnt work. we were separated for about a month and all that happened was the person that was off to the side waiting was able to step in my place. i in the end had to fight like hell to bring us back together. we arnt completely there but its a work in progress.
i think you need to ask what would he need for him to fight for the marraige because one hand cant clap. you have to work together. at one point my wife gave up on me. told me she didnt love me and that she didnt want to be with me. after 7 years of knowing her i knew she didnt mean it. i knew she still loved me. when i had asked her if she wanted a divorce she said no just separation. well that didnt work out.
anyway you guys have been together for 10 years. out of everyone that you know you two know each other better that you know yourself. like im sure you know when he is lying or not telling you the whole truth. or when hes stressed and putting on a front.
but he needs to find a reason to fight for what he has. and what sucks about the whole thing is that you cant give it to him he has to find it himself.
I am an idioit to think that this isnt over and can still be saved?
So suggestions....anyone
Well honey, as someone once said "it ain't over 'till it's over". There are only two possibilities that I can imagine.
1)He is still keeping information from you.
2)He really is having a mid-life crisis.
I hope it's #2.
Let's assume it is. This is the second time he alluded to feeling like a jerk. You need to get him to tell you more about this. As I said before, you are the one who is going to have to do the heavy lifting in this relationship - but don't fall for that "I can't talk about my feelings" nonsense, it sounded like he was doing OK under your skilful questioning.
No. I would not give up on him just yet - if you ever get through this, he will get on his knees and thank you, but that is for the future...
One thing you need to watch out for is what someone once called "advance-retard" this means that sometimes you can plunge in and get him to open up - lie on his bed and talk. But as soon as you sense that he is feeling interfered with, you must back off - Let him seek you for chats. Then when he has settled down you can increase your actions. It's so easy for me to say this of course, it's very hard to implement it if you are desperate to save your marriage.
One thing though is golden: PLAY FOR TIME. Do not move out. Pretend you are still looking if you think it will help, but make sure that you don't actually find anywhere suitable! It's amazing how hard it can be to find accommodation these days
My only worry is that you said in another thread that he shared a hotel room with a work collogue - is she the one he texted? In a way it does not matter what happened before if you are going to forgive him anyway, as long as you are sure nothing is happening now.
i can only tell you from my stand point and how things worked out with me. trial separation doesnt work. we were separated for about a month and all that happened was the person that was off to the side waiting was able to step in my place. i in the end had to fight like hell to bring us back together. we arnt completely there but its a work in progress.
i think you need to ask what would he need for him to fight for the marraige because one hand cant clap. you have to work together. at one point my wife gave up on me. told me she didnt love me and that she didnt want to be with me. after 7 years of knowing her i knew she didnt mean it. i knew she still loved me. when i had asked her if she wanted a divorce she said no just separation. well that didnt work out.
anyway you guys have been together for 10 years. out of everyone that you know you two know each other better that you know yourself. like im sure you know when he is lying or not telling you the whole truth. or when hes stressed and putting on a front.
but he needs to find a reason to fight for what he has. and what sucks about the whole thing is that you cant give it to him he has to find it himself.
At first when I asked him if he wanted a divorce he siad he didnt think so...now he has said yes he wants a divorce.
I am afraid that the response I am going to get from him is that there is nothing that will make him fight for it.....because he is too exhausted to keep it going. (that is what he has told me before) That he is burned out. So if you had moved out...how did you get back in?
Well honey, as someone once said "it ain't over 'till it's over". There are only two possibilities that I can imagine.
1)He is still keeping information from you.
2)He really is having a mid-life crisis.
I hope it's #2.
Let's assume it is. This is the second time he alluded to feeling like a jerk. You need to get him to tell you more about this. As I said before, you are the one who is going to have to do the heavy lifting in this relationship - but don't fall for that "I can't talk about my feelings" nonsense, it sounded like he was doing OK under your skilful questioning.
No. I would not give up on him just yet - if you ever get through this, he will get on his knees and thank you, but that is for the future...
One thing you need to watch out for is what someone once called "advance-retard" this means that sometimes you can plunge in and get him to open up - lie on his bed and talk. But as soon as you sense that he is feeling interfered with, you must back off - Let him seek you for chats. Then when he has settled down you can increase your actions. It's so easy for me to say this of course, it's very hard to implement it if you are desperate to save your marriage.
One thing though is golden: PLAY FOR TIME. Do not move out. Pretend you are still looking if you think it will help, but make sure that you don't actually find anywhere suitable! It's amazing how hard it can be to find accommodation these days
My only worry is that you said in another thread that he shared a hotel room with a work collogue - is she the one he texted? In a way it does not matter what happened before if you are going to forgive him anyway, as long as you are sure nothing is happening now.
I really honeslty dont think he is still keeping stuff from me...like I said he may not always offer info up but when asked he cant lie about it.
No the woman he is texting is not the same as the colleague.
The things that he has told me from past conversation (most take place in instant messenger he doesnt like to confront problems so I can reread them) is that if we had sex every day and if I hadnt gained the weight that things would be totally different. Well I am losing weight (almost 40 lbs... I am only 13lbs off my married weight) and we dont have sex...because he wont let us. He said it isnt fair to me and he doesnt want to mislead me. He even said last night (which I know he is not like this) that he is not a one night stand kind of guy and has never been the type of guy to have sex just to have sex...he said you have to have a connection. Last night I asked him about sex which is what brought up this conversation to begin with about not wanting to have sex....and then he said it needs to be spontaneous. So maybe because I talked about it instead of just doing it.....
Yes I have to put my hand up, with us men, it usually comes down to sex. What he is saying is that he felt you were not really "into him" sexually. By spontaneous he may mean that he wants you to initiate. This would prove to him that you find him attractive.
It may be in the past that he ran little tests on you. He would initiate sex most of the time, but occasionally he would wait, and see if you initiated.
Then I imagine after waiting for longer than he cared to, you did initiate, but he felt you were not doing it out of the thrill of desiring him but because your internal clock was saying, "I better sex him tonight, or he will be upset".
I don't know if this was the case, only you could know.
Men don't just want "mercy sex" - well not long term anyway. They are happy to initiate it 99% of the time if they fell that their loving is welcomed.
Of course he is being such a git at the moment, how could you fancy him? But love can carry you through. Stop talking about divorce, don't even raise the subject.
What you need now is to reach deep down inside you and bring out a miracle. Until then play for time.
Yes I have to put my hand up, with us men, it usually comes down to sex. What he is saying is that he felt you were not really "into him" sexually. By spontaneous he may mean that he wants you to initiate. This would prove to him that you find him attractive.
It may be in the past that he ran little tests on you. He would initiate sex most of the time, but occasionally he would wait, and see if you initiated.
Then I imagine after waiting for longer than he cared to, you did initiate, but he felt you were not doing it out of the thrill of desiring him but because your internal clock was saying, "I better sex him tonight, or he will be upset".
I don't know if this was the case, only you could know.
Men don't just want "mercy sex" - well not long term anyway. They are happy to initiate it 99% of the time if they fell that their loving is welcomed.
Of course he is being such a git at the moment, how could you fancy him? But love can carry you through. Stop talking about divorce, don't even raise the subject.
What you need now is to reach deep down inside you and bring out a miracle. Until then play for time.
actually its quite the opposite I always intitiated sex not him.....and I guess I probably got fed up with always being the one to initiate it
In that case you have got a job on. Get him to talk about it. If he never initiated, that would probably make you feel un-sexy. He sounds most unusual.
I can see you are going to have to make a lot of allowances for him. Still I have seen miracles in my life. I know a druggy who gave up drugs, became a health freak, and won't even take milk in his tea! In fact he only drinks warm water now.
Actually, I have changed my mind...
If he expects you to initiate, then YOU have the power! But don't get pregnant, that might complicate things.
He has made comments in the past that he would "try" to initiate it but I guess our preception of initiation are different.
To me cuddling is not initiating sex...touching, rubbing, kissing etc is initiating. But we will see.......his birthday is tomorrow so I am going to see what I can do.
He has made comments in the past that he would "try" to initiate it but I guess our preception of initiation are different.
To me cuddling is not initiating sex...touching, rubbing, kissing etc is initiating.
Ah, now it becomes clearer. He was initiating - by trying to get you to initiate. For some reason he feared touching you in an overtly sexual way without your giving him concrete and obvious permission.
He may have been brought up to believe that it is wrong to foist himself sexually on a woman - who can say. but you can fix all that in the future.
Right now you need to take the upper hand - again!
I say give him "what for" on his birthday - make it real special I bet he will be putty in your hands. He likes to use subtlety on you, yet he only responds to full-on no nonsense sexual overtures.
Sorry to ramble on.
EDIT "what for" is an UK phrase, which in this context means give him a session he won't forget.
Ah, now it becomes clearer. He was initiating - by trying to get you to initiate. For some reason he feared touching you in an overtly sexual way without your giving him concrete and obvious permission.
He may have been brought up to believe that it is wrong to foist himself sexually on a woman - who can say. but you can fix all that in the future.
Right now you need to take the upper hand - again!
I say give him "what for" on his birthday - make it real special I bet he will be putty in your hands. He likes to use subtlety on you, yet he only responds to full-on no nonsense sexual overtures.
Sorry to ramble on.
I will do my best
I just hope you are right and I dont set myself up for rejection!
Oh I might add that today he showed me a listing on a house for rent in our area and asked if I had conacted them....I said no but I would. I did and it was way out of my price range and I told him that.
Sometimes the things that he says and does are so complete opposite and he confuses the hell out of me!
If it were me in your shoes I would keep those line of communication open and clear.
It seems like is all about his feelings and thought and concerns. Poor him poor him. A trial seperation is great way to just seperate IMO. I would only do it if there was some form of abuse going on that he needed treatment for. Right now he seems like he is playing games. Stringing you along "oh I was thinking about having an affair". Probably seeing if he could get something he wanted out of you.
Don't use your body as a tool to keep your husband. This man said he wanted to have an affair on you, which means he would have if the situation was right for it.
You ned to tell him how the cow eats the corn. Tell him you are willing to work on your marriage, but not if he wants to add another woman in the picture. Tell him that his feelings are important to you, but your feelings should be equally important to him. Time away would take his mind off of the situation at hand "outta sight outta mind" . You must be together and keep communication going. If sex is what would make him happy, then he can get that anywhere and he will if thats what this is all about.
You are not a mind reader and his unhappyness for the last four years is only your fault if you knew you were making him unhappy. Like you said, you had no idea he was so unhappy and why should you. Don't let him toy you aroud. That what I would do
As I just wrote in you other thread, I am convince your man is the passive type - at least when it comes to sex. If I am correct, you could do well to read this again: Weight ruining marriage
(post #52)
You might actually find the example given is the one to go with. Just test the water - what about a birthday spanking?
So what to do now....
I bet he will be putty in your hands. He likes to use subtlety on you, yet he only responds to full-on no nonsense sexual overtures.
