General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I've been married for three years now and have three step-children, 26 yr old & 16 yr old girls and 11 yr old boy. The 26 yr old moved out nearly three years ago to live with her fiance'. About seven weeks ago they had a falling out so she moved back home with us. Since being back in our home it's been nothing but trouble b/t my wife and I. She is not that respecful to me in our home and invites my wife to go out drinking with her several nights a week along with cousins. My wifes goes o hang out with her daughter and nieces at the local pubs and it disturbs me greatly. That is on my wife and and I've been trying to talk to her about this. However, a few days ago my wife, step-daughter and I had a bit of a disagreement that lead to my 26 yr old step-daughter cursing me out and calling me names. My wife just stood there and did not say a word. I told my wife that no adult child of hers, mines or anyone elses living in my our home rent-free ot not was going to speak to me and disrespect me in that manner and live in our home. My wife has issues telling her daughters when they are wrong. She just goes along with them. I told her she had to move out of our home but she refused with the support of my wife. While they were away most of that day I packed away her bedroom set, removed the blinds from the bedroom windows, removed the room door from the hinges, removed couch and loveseat cushions and took it all to storage. I also disabled internet access and cable tv. Both returned home that night very upset at what I had done. The next day my 26 yr old step-daughter decided to move out. Now my wife is very unhappy with this and wants to end our marriage. I have filed for divorce but this is not what I want to do. My wife is planning to rent another home for herself, the two younger kids and the 26 yr old to live. I don't get it. She has a good job and makes way more money than my wife but yet she can't stand on her own as a productive adult in society. All she wants to do after work is party and drink with my wife and her cousins. My wife is willing to let her 26 yr old daughter dictate her marriage to be and royally screw things up for the 16 and 11 yr olds.
I am with you on this one.
I can understand your wife not wanting you to discipline her kids that aren't yours, but to allow her child to openly disrespect you show that your wife also has no respect for you.
Stand firm. You have to be first in your wife's life.
There were dozens of infractions that kept piling up unaddressed until you exploded.
"I've been trying to talk to her about this" means "I just let it continue unaddressed".
I think you thought the whole idea of the daughter coming home was a terrible idea from the get go, but you let her in the house. You should have defined the expectations up front.
__________________
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 is available to buy! Love, Sex, Nice Guys, Alpha, Beta, Dealing With Cheating, Oneitis, Sexless Marriages, Sex Rank, Body Agenda, Sexy Moves, Seduction Skills and more! 344 pages of high quality practical information. The MMSL Primer Book
I take no pleasure in the actions I took and I am very hurt that i felt the need to go down that road. Yes NoLongerSad, maybe I did escalate the situation but again, no child of mines nor anyone elses can speak to me in that manner and expect to live under my roof. I've been taking care of her since she was 19 in every way that a father could because when i choose to be with my wife I excepted her kids as did they me and we have had a wonderful family situation up to this point. Somewhere during the last several months the respect level towards me with her seems to have disapated and I don't know why. I've been there for all of them from day one and I still am, despite the current situation. I don't usually let my anger get the best of me that that was too much to take. If not a stand here then I would forever have to except whatever and that i cannot and will not do. However, I am trying to make it work but when you are in it alone you can't go far. thank you all for your responses, as I will consider all that is said.
I'm going to come at this as a parent of 2 kids, with a boyfriend who has stepped in as their father.
My kids are MY kids. I know they are not perfect, I know they can be wrong, but they are still my kids. And to hear someone else criticize them and tell me what they do wrong, even if that person is right, can irritate the heck out of me. It gives me an urge to defend my child, even if I know my child is wrong, simply because they are my child and this other person shouldn't be saying these things.
So...when my boyfriend and I began figuring out how to handle our relationship and his relationship with my boys, we both agreed that given how serious we were at that point and how serious we knew we intend to be in the future, that he should have some say in discipline and how they are raised. But still, that urge to defend when he says something comes up. I fight that urge, because I know it's not reasonable for me to tell him he can discipline and then turn around and argue with him every time he does.
It sounds like that is what your wife is doing. She gets that urge to defend her kids when you criticize them, and she follows that urge. And in this case, you then escalated the situation by removing things and deactivating things.
Now, please understand that I am not saying you are wrong in how you felt. If her daughter was disrespecting you, then you had every right to expect an apology and for her to show you respect in the future. And I don't think you're unreasonable in expecting a 26 yr old that is financially and otherwise capable of living on her own to do so.
But...this is something you should have gently spoken to Mom about. You should have told Mom privately that you felt hurt/angered/bewildered/left out that she took her daughter's side when her daughter was being disrespectful toward you. You should have asked Mom why she feels her daughter needs to live at home when she is fully capable of living on her own, and then calmly pointed out the arguments against whatever reasons she gave.
I think the first thing to do right now is to apologize for your role in this mess, and see what happens from there. If she also apologizes for her role, then you guys can maybe get some counseling and work this out. If she doesn't...then you have to consider whether you really want to continue to be married to someone who doesn't seem to care too much about how you feel and what you think.
Your wife is in a unwinnable situation as were you too. She is cornered, her choice is to either side with you and potentially lose her relationship with her daughter and other children or side with her daughter and lose you.
I understand you felt cornered too and felt you needed to take a HUGE action to even be heard and have your wants considered by your wife.
That is the issue in a nutshell. What is it for both of you in this marriage that you both feel you need to take such huge and dramatic steps to be heard by the other? There is lack of responsiveness when the emotions are low. I wonder why?
I agree with "atholk" in his above comments and believe you may want to seek counseling either professional or someone skilled at listening and non judgmental. This pattern of non responsiveness needs to be changed.
I suspect she may also not want divorce but amping it up to the next level is the pattern in your marriage and you both don't know how to get yourself out of a tough corner.
Reach out, help her get out of the corner, there is enough blame to go around for everyone so no need to go there, you both are just lacking some tools on how to deal with these high emotional moments and need to learn how to catch them when they are smaller and more manageable.
This is a very common problem and is definitely surmountable.
I was with you on how you are being treated in your own house until you ratchetted up to defcon4 by removing the door and blinds from the room.
Your response level was off the chart for what was going on.
I am not approving what they are doing. don't misunderstand me.
I agree with others who say you should have approached things privately with your wife and at that point kicked the girl out.
If your wife was not on board at that point, maybe the divorce was coming regardless.
But now? You have made such an obnoxious move that your wife is going to choose her children over you out of maternal reflex--unless you apologize to her.
Yeah, your hind teeth will feel as though you're being electroshocked.
Even if you were going to kick out the 26-year-old, you should have acted decently about it.
Give her a week to leave, etc.
One of the problems you have is that nobody consider your house to be YOUR house. Everyone there is lined up with your wife. You are the newcomer even if you pay all the bills.
Annoying I am sure.
Note: I don't think you owe the 26-year-old an apology if she is still defiant towards you.
I don't see that you are at fault here. Your wife has allowed an unhappy daughter to draw her into her drama. Don't know if this applys but, she may be envious of your her Moms relationship with you. I can't see that your attempt to tell her what you would not accept in your own home was dicipline. Do you discipline a 26 yo adult? You confronted am adult who was wrong and needed to be told directly. Expecting your wife to mediate would have been weak. You don't seem to be a weak man.
I think you were right to make sure she left by getting her stuff out, it was an act of stregnth from a man who refused to take no for a reasonable request.
The reaction of your wife was to me foolish. You appear to be a strong good man in every way. She threw away a relationship with a man who provided her children with a home. Given these circumstances, I would be intrested in hearing from other poster. So now what with your wife.
One fact is clear, her daughter get over her breakup and will meet someone and leave Mom behind with out love and companionship. Can you point out to her in away that will help her to think about what she has done in a way that does not make it an attack but a call to reason? She is being used by her daughter for temporary solace. Four people have paid a heavy price for her problem, and I think it is a poor enchange. I don't think your wife wants the divorce. I hope you will be able to turn this around. I don't think copitulation in any way will work. Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks to all for your comments. I don't really look to who was right or wrong here. My main concern is that the other two kids are crushed by this as we are close and I do regret my actions. However, being cursed out and called vile names by an adult (26) living in my house rent free just pushed me over the edge. Again, I took no pleasure in this and it hurts. Still trying to figure it out so what more can I say.
I would talk to your wife and explain that things have got to change in reguard to how respectfull the children adult or otherwise NEED to be. If she is unreasonable to reason with then let them walk.
Quite honestly your wife is also acting poorly by going out with her daughter numerous time a week to party.....something just dosen't add up there. Dose your wife have a problem with partying too much? You mean she has two younger teenage kids and she still has time to go out. how dose she manage that?
again something dosn't add up.
what about making the 26yr old pay some rent and do some chores then she wouldn't have as much time or money to party so much.
Hell I had to pay rent at 14 and do chores. Now when I got married my parrent gave me my rent back as a wedding present but as I was paying it it tought me how to properly save and manage money and the value of good parents.
although taking the doors off the hinges and removing the blinds seems a little excessive. apolagixe for going overboard but in no uncertins trems that you will not tolerate disrespect and or irresponsibility. who drives when they go out for a few? more than 1 drink an hour will put the vast majority of people over the leagle limit for driving a car.
__________________
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 is available to buy! Love, Sex, Nice Guys, Alpha, Beta, Dealing With Cheating, Oneitis, Sexless Marriages, Sex Rank, Body Agenda, Sexy Moves, Seduction Skills and more! 344 pages of high quality practical information. The MMSL Primer Book
What I think everyone is missing here is that what he did does NOT call for divorce proceedings.
A grown woman going out partying and drinking has other issues going on (probably marital issues) and the "door off the hinges" incident is just the straw that broke tge camel's back.
I'd like to hear about the state of the marriage prior to the daughter coming home.
No problem Chris Taylor. Marriage not perfect but things were good b/t us and we were dealing with normal things that come up in marriages like the two younger kids doing chores around the house, 16 yr old wanting to go out with botfroend until after midnight. My wife and I disagree on that b/c I frowned upon that idea. My wife did go out with 26 yr old daughter, some other nieces the same age as daughter and her two sisters but only once a week or every few weeks or so. During the past few months one sister's husband left, a niece's husband divorced her and got custody of their kid b/c she is more comcerned with going out and getting drunk, step-daughter left fiance' b/c he had the dumb idea of pushing the wedding back to save money. I just got him a job where I work and he felt that they should wait until he has both of them fully insured and money in the bank. Imagine that! I think she used that as an excuse to come back under her mother's wing. They started going out almost four times per week and sometimes staying at her sister's house until the next day and coming home smelling like alcohol. We started arguing more about it and now we are where we're at. Step-daughter always claims she is so sick and wife drops everything (even the younger kids) to give her attention but then they end up out drinking for someone who is so sick. Go figure.
One of my biggest complaints is leaving the younger kids at home and not spending time with them. Oh but she says I'm at home with them. Treu enough the 11 yr and i are very close. I've been with them since he was 4 and it's been all good b/t us. The 16 yr old leans mom's way and no matter how drunk mom comes home and acts a fool she in front of them her mom can do no wrong....What can I say?
I filed for divorce b/c my wife is leaving me no other options and she wants this too. We dicussed it this morning and she is upset, understandably, that I forced her daughter out of the house. She told me that she is currently looking for a place to move to and include the 26 yr old daughter. I asked her why is she making a decision to leave our home to make a life with her 26 yr old daughter and take all the advantages away from the younger kids? She commented that "her baby is out their on her own." I told her that she is 26 and it's time to let her be independent and stand on her own. She just can't do that so here we are headed for divorce. I just don't get this. She says she loves me so much but.....She is making this decision based on a 26 yr old adult who is more than capable. I told her that i love all of them but that she is crippling the kids by doing this and she is damaging the 26 yr old by treating her like a baby.
I think it is not appropriate for a wife to go out drinking so often. I have never understood the need to go out with a bunch of women and get drunk. Much rather go with hubby. Don't get me wrong, I know that it is possible to go out now and then and just have fun. However when people drink so much they sometimes loose control and things happen. It sounds like these woman want to be single again to drink and sleep around. Maybe this was just the excuse she needed. Bad thing is it is like an affair, only good when no responsibilities are part of the package. She will propably, after she had enough of partying, come back, apologise and beg to come back. Yes you might have gone overboard with your reaction but one can only take so much and then you loose it, and sounds like you have reached that point. You deserve a wife that will respect you and want to spend time with you. Hope everything works out.
I Feel I Had No Choice 
