"its complicated"

honeychild01 · 11-28-2010, 01:18 PM

I am completely rattled by where things are going with this guy I am dating. We began spending time together, casually, in May but were both dating other people (non exclusive, not cheating) at the time. Around September, without talking about it, we began spending more time together.

Now I am spending at least 4 nights a week at his apartment, where he cooks for me and we share a bed without always having sex. I took care of his cat and stayed there when he went away for the weekend.

I have met his best friends and his cousin, and he invited me for Christmas with his dad. And after a few drinks, he says things that reinforce this idea that we are in a relationship like "I'm not seeing anyone else because I would feel like I am cheating on you" or "I care about you as much as my family."

The problem is that he has alot of psychological/emotional issues about women/commitment and I don't want to push those buttons by asking for a clarification.

I need to know if this is exclusive and also if it is a relationship that we are working on as opposed to a best friends with benefits kind of situation.

Additionally, I am normally NOT this girl, but I have no idea what to make of this.

HELP - how do I ask him what we are without freaking him out?

chefmaster · 11-28-2010, 01:41 PM

It sounds to me like he's slowly coming out of his shell with the comments he made. His comments don't sound like a friends with benefits situation at all to me.

"I'm not seeing anyone else because I would feel like I am cheating on you" Sounds like he is trying to gain your trust by having you confirm with a like comment.

As much as "I care about you as much as my family." may be him asking you the same question you are wondering about: Where are we going in this relationship?

827Aug · 11-28-2010, 01:45 PM

This sounds like an exclusive relationship to me. Do you talk about the future together? It doesn't sound complicated. This sounds like a guy who has feelings for you and is taking things slow. If you like everything else about him, I don't think I would put any pressure on him.

Cooper · 11-28-2010, 03:06 PM

I guess I may look at this a little differently than some others. I do agree he seems to be leaning toward an exclusive relationship with you but wonder if he is giving himself an "out" just in case. Where did this statement come from? "The problem is that he has alot of psychological/emotional issues about women/commitment" Is this info direct from him? Friends or family? If he told you these things himself I would definitely ask what he means. If he has "real issues", maybe things he is being treated for or has been treated for or thinks he needs to be treated for I would be careful about a relationship. What I'm saying is if he's broke and knows it he needs to fix himself before dragging someone else into his issues. Or maybe as I said earlier he could just be giving himself an easy out when things aren't working for him any more, you know the line, "It's not you, it's me"

If that info came to you second hand I would give him the benefit of doubt, what others perceive as commitment issues may simply be him dating different women because has hasn't met the right one.

Atholk · 11-28-2010, 04:37 PM

"I feel like I've become your girlfriend, and I want to be your girlfriend... but you haven't told me you want me to be your girlfriend and I need to hear that."

Asking you home for Christmas is usually a pretty good sign.

honeychild01 · 11-28-2010, 11:10 PM

thanks for your replies!

the information did come first hand, he didn't sit me down and say he has issues but he rarely trust things people say and all his past relationships have ended not on good terms.

i think you might be right about giving himself an out so he doesnt get hurt if he feels things are getting bad - his last girlfriend literally walked out on him one night after being together 3 years and he never heard from her again, not even to pick up her stuff or explain or anything. in addition, his mother is very manipulative, to the point that i would consider her behavior when he was young to be borderline child abuse. based on the things he has told me, it is clear he does not trust women. so even though he always says "i know youre not like that" i worry that his core beliefs about women will trump anything i can do to prove that i care.

however, i like the suggestion of saying "i feel like i have become your girlfriend..etc" and i will give that a try.

ordinarily hearing the things he has told me would leave me certain he wanted to be my boyfriend but aside from (or perhaps because of) the trust issues even though we have great sex he is not very affectionate (kissing, cuddeling, etc) to the point where i am starting to feel uncomfortable being affectionate with him in case it makes him feel like i am clingy and he bails.

Cooper · 11-29-2010, 08:50 PM

honeychild maybe I'm just a cynical old cuss but the guy seems like he would be a project. His admitted trust and commitment issues, along with him not being affectionate with you (except sex) are pretty strong signals in my eyes.

I think it's time for a talk with him.

827Aug · 11-29-2010, 09:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cooper

honeychild maybe I'm just a cynical old cuss but the guy seems like he would be a project. His admitted trust and commitment issues, along with him not being affectionate with you (except sex) are pretty strong signals in my eyes.

I think it's time for a talk with him.

The more information you give us, it leads me to believe he is going to be an ongoing project. He does sound emotionally unavailable.