L.M.COYL

I imagined that this thread could be therapeutic to some degree. Expose your affairs or your growing desire to engage in one here.

I though of this topic while reading another poster who was crushed by his wife's year long affair which in addition to other things completely humiliated him.

I began to wonder why people cannot commit?

Some have suggested it is the idealization/normalization of romantic love and notions of the perfect little nuclear family, self-contained, idyllic and better than everyone else. When it becomes apparent that your husband's b.o. smells awful after work, your wife's flabby rump reminds you of cottage cheese and your children are neither impressive nor respectful, perhaps it is natural that at this point human beings can only take so much and require something else reminiscent of the idyllic notions we are brainwashed with in tv commercials, advertisements and film. That we have another side to us that while it cannot be addressed in marriage WILL BE addressed outside of marriage.

For those who have drunk of this forbidden (although popular programs like Desperate Housewives and soap operas would offer another opinion) fruit (affairs), let this be the thread for you. Unload your indiscretions here preparatory to bravely revealing your misdeeds to your spouses.

Indeed, what is truth worth to you? Can you honestly live with
yourself deluding your spouse while you have lived a lie in so many ways? Our society says we must take responsibility for our actions (well, unless you lack a conscience) so, perhaps this can be a thread for those about to expose their wrongs to their spouses or for those who are contemplating taking the plunge into an affair.

Perhaps this can be a therapeutic step for us all.
n the end I think the notion of making a promise of faithfulness is in itself flawed. I believe, intuitively, that very, very few marriages are without an affair somewhere along the line. I'm not saying that we shouldn't necessarily have marriages but we need to conceptualize them differently, as reflections of complexity in being human and having an honest relationship with another human being while nurturing our own best selves.

Peace to you all and take care of yourselves always.

smllngdy

My affair began after my husband and I had not had sex for four years. And this was not the first time we had gone years without sex. I wanted sex and my affair partner offered it. We have built a friendship over the years but it remains a sexual relationship. We do not envision being together in a non-affair relationship.

At the time I began my affair, my daughter was in college and I didn't want to disrupt her life with a divorce. I doubt I wanted a divorce either. At times a divorce seems ideal but at other times it feels like I would be losing a lot if I divorced. I have a loving husband but he does not want sex and he can be distant, controlling and unwilling to compromise too.

L.M.COYL

Thank you for sharing.

I hope this is useful for others contemplating our having an affair.

I think that revealing this indicates that you are wrestling with your own feelings and loyalties and perhaps, for you at this time, what you are doing is right. it seems that your husband likely intuitively guesses at this and perhaps he is himself engaged in a similar way. I am not here to cast judgments, certainly enough people in our world do that rather too willingly. My only caution is that you may be torn yourself.

Still if this works for you all the power to you. If nothing else however, perhaps speak to someone else about it since this is heavy load to bear.

Thank you again for sharing and remember to take care of yourself.

sadmel

If you really come down to it, we are all animals, sexual beings. My opinion is, not really sure if it is "natural" to settle down, be with ONE person for the rest of our lives.

I think we get bored, the sexual hormones get going, we want something "new" and exciting. That is just normal.

It just comes down to us being thinking, conscious humans. Making the DECISION to act on those sexual feelings. Making the choice, where as animals just act on instinct and don't have that decision making ability, due to brain development.

We have thinking brains - so we can make the choice to stay with someone or not.

That is the difference.

sadmel

I am a 43 year old female and have been married for 17 years. I have three children.

I have had two affairs during my marriage. Not proud of it, but that's the reality.

I know it's because when I got married, it was a mistake and I shouldn't have. I know now I am just not the type of person who should have gotten married. Because of my past and the way I was raised, I will always have a hard time, a struggle committed to one person. I also got married too young, and before I had a chance to spend time on "me", finish college, do my own thing, be independant for a while. Big regret...


But right now I am doing well - I have cut off ties with this man I am currently emotionally involved with. I fell in love two months ago, but have made the decision the only way I can TRY to repair my marriage, is to have NO contact with him. It is the hardest thing I've ever done, because I feel like this person could truly be the one for me. But what can I do? The only way we could ever have a chance is if I figure out myself first and my marriage - if I'm going to stay in it or get divorced.

amidnightsky34

Like the person before me, I also got married too young and had children too young before spending time on me. My husband convinced me this was what I wanted. Not in a mean way, just the way he would talk about getting married/having kids and the excitement, etc after a while i started to believe that that was what i wanted for myself, until it was too late. I think it is what I wanted eventually, but not until after I was on my own for a while. Some couples are together for a long time before getting engaged, not us. 7 months after dating we were engaged, wedding was a year later, and 5 months after that I was preggers. We had been friends before we were dating for a while too though.

Anyway, I havent had any affairs, and i would never actually cheat on my husband. But i've cheated in my heart twice now. First was a guy that i was never actually with but we liked eachother and i had strong feelings for before I started dating my husband, and well after i started dating my husband and even after i got married it took a lot longer than I thought it would for those feelings to go away. i would think about him all the time and have imagined affairs with him. I would talk to him online sometimes and one day we talked about this and our past and it was a really good talk, but it didnt really help too much with my feelings for him. but eventually after about 4 years of being married, my feelings for him finally went away and i stopped feeling like i was cheating in my heart by having feelings for someone else.

Now just recently i have started having some minor feelings for my bro-in-law. he is going through a divorce and just moved back about 6 months ago. They're not really sexual feelings for him, and i would never even consider acting on these feelings, nor would my bro-in-law. but as we've been hanging out more lately since he moved back here, i've been noticing more things we have in common. I think it also coincides with some things that i've been noticing about my husband lately that i don't like as much, and then i see his bro and they're alike in a lot of ways, except for these things i havent been liking about my hubby... and i'll see the bro-in-law do something the opposite, and i'll be wishing that my hubby was more like him.

It's hard because if it was someone else I could just cut off all contact with them so that the minor feelings now don't turn into something more to where I feel like I am cheating in my heart... but being my bro-in-law and our families are really close, we see him almost every other week at least. I'm really struggling with trying to figure out whether these feelings are of a 'romantic' type, or if i'm just trying to reach out to someone similar to me who has some similar emotional things going on and can relate while i'm going through this period of unhappiness. I honestly don't know which of the two it is, I just know that if it's the first, then it has the potential to turn into something more (in my heart) because when i fall for someone i fall hard and that would be very very bad for my happiness and my marriage and my kids. Especially because it would all be in secret, I could never tell my hubby that i fell for his bro...

Kat777

i think this is exactly where i am headed. i never planned to get married, im not religious, so i saw no reason to complicate my life with marriage, but, i got married at 19, to a man i met at 14, and am now realising we have next to nothing in common, other than a few hobbies i have picked up to send time with him, and some of our taste in music. otherwise, we are polar opposites, and so much so thats there is really no middle ground.
a few months ago a guy started working with me, a younger guy, who happens to really have his life together, and share so many of my views on life, and that reba macentire song "one promise too late" plays over and over in my head, and i wonder how i ended up in exactly the situation i swore i would never get myself into.
i went to lunch with this guy today, he didn't try anything funny, he is respectful of the fact that i am married, though im starting to wish...that he wasn't....
now what?