General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
one more thing. i have never asked her parents for anything. they wanted to give us 100 grand for the house and i told them no. when i met my wife they paid all her bills. when i moved in i took them over. i was stupid at first. but the longer i watched and listened alot became clear. ok. my mother in law will not kiss my father in law cause she thinks its nasty. my wife was raised with that instilled in her head. my mother in law said she had no intrest in him until she found out he owned two buisness. my wifes problem i think isnt so much me i think it is disrespect for a man. the way she was raised. if you knew the half of you would be very very shocked. you are right when you say i have lost myself. i will tottaly agree with that. the mind state i am in now is not good for me. after this weekend i am going ack to them gym to help get things off my mind. i am not keeping myself busy enough.
well i got off work this morning and did alot of thinking. i realized that i am stuck on all the negative that has happened in the last 7 years. so from today i am focusing on positive things. am i crazy thinking my wife would want to get back together with a emotional basket case? i have been in a great mood today and my wife called me on the way home from her parents and said my little girl wanted to stop and say hello. now i dont dought she would say that but i think it was more of my wife wanting to check on me. she has been really nice in the last 5 days to me. i asked her if i could come and cut the grass and she almost said yes. by court i am not allowed on the property unless she says so. i think she held off cause she is worried about what her parents think. i told her to let me know if there is anything i can do for her to just let me know. i said i love you and goodbye. i felt really good about it. i think both of us have realized our mistakes throught our marriage and i just dont know if she is willing to salviage it. i dont know if she is being so nice cause she misses me or because she knows that nice is what works best. i just dont know. i guess i wil have to give it time and see...... any pointers on how i can handle this from here would be greatly appreciated! my sister in law suggested some annoymous flowers sent to her work?
Sounds like things are getting better, but please be cautious. I don't want to be a downer, but if you were a woman, I would say "get the hell out of this abusive relationship!" I guess it shouldn't matter, male or female, though. She may just be happier at her parents' house because she has access to the money for the stuff she wants through her mother. I don't know either of you though, so if you really, truly, think that she's had a change of heart, that's wonderful! You seem like a really good guy, though and I'd just hate to see you get stomped on again.
Good luck!
well lastnight we came to the agreement that she would come get the mower and use my truck to take it home to use then bring it back. i talked to her this morning and said i would get the kids and told her to have a good day. well at 430 my brother in law called and said what is going on with the mower? i said jennifer is getting it today when she gets off. he said well amanda(my wifes sister) said she wanted me to go get it and take it to the house. he said her dad wants me to do it. so i guess what happened was jennifer went to work and told her mother about the exchange and her mother probibly told her not to do it and to not depend on me anymore. the thing that made me mad is she involved them. this marriage has nothing to do with them or anyone but me and her. this is why we are going through this now. she tells them everything about us. they make comments and she beleives their commets. so she calls me at 540. i am off work now and i was gonna come get the kids. so i was thinking. she must not have told her mother that i was getting the kids and used that excuse to get off. well she gets to my house and i ask about the lawnmower deal. she said i will just get it wed. i said how. she said i am getting daddy's truck. i asked why. she said well my car is going back wed. cause i cant afford it. i said oh. well i walked out to my truck got a news article and gave it to her. she asked what it was and i said just something for you to read and think about. walked in the house and shut the door. she sat in the driveway and read it and then left. well at 7pm josh(her sister man) calls me and says that her dad called her mother and told her off cause she let jennifer off early. man oh man the drama in this family. so what steps do i take next people? i really dont know what to do now. i think the best thing to do is just back off and let the lawyers handle it. can anyone give me some pointers? the article from which i am speaking of said this " when you bring children into this world, divorce is not an option for unhappiness. FIXING it is." " you shouldnt get divorced until every rock has been turned over" can anyone help?
Hi Steve,
I think the divorce thing completely depends on the couple/situation. I have 2 step sons and yes, having divorced parents was hard on them (and still is for the oldest at times), but IMO what's most important is that they're raised knowing that BOTH parents love them, no matter what. If you and your wife were to stay together "just for the kids", what kind of household will they grow up in? Kids are super intuitive and no matter how hard we parents try to keep it from them, they know when Mom and Dad aren't getting along, and it's hard on them. Arggg! It's so tough!
I also think that your wife's family is WAY too involved in your marriage. Holy cow! I certainly would not be able to deal with that. I think I'd give the ultimatum of either move away from the family and "start fresh", or we split, because you chose to spend the rest of your life, every day, with HER, NOT her PARENTS. I probably should have organized my thoughts a bit more, but, man, I just feel for you. You seem like a responsible, genuine guy, and it seems your wife has a lot of growing up to do. Just because you give birth, doesn't mean that you're mature enough to handle the necessities of a good marriage. Divorce sucks, but sometimes even with children involved it's best in order for the parents to be good parents, and that's really what the kids need most.
Good luck! Keep posting if you need to!
i am not being egotistical but the whole family outside of her parents could not beleive i have made it as far as i have. my thing i dont have any family here. no support other then friends and the only person i feel comfortable opening up to is my wife. i have no problem getting on here and spilling my heart out to strangers because we are not face to face. i will never meet you and it doesnt bother me. my wife wants to work this out i know she does. if she didnt she would ask some of the questions that she does. she wouldnt call my cell and not leave a message. she is so scared to go against her parents. thats what eats me up. if she did go against them i know it would be the kicker for them and we could live happy. they would back off for good. i called the house at 845 to speak to my kids before bedtime. it was busy so i left a message on her cell. tried back at 9 and phone was busy. called the cell and she answered. she said they were allready in the bed. the only thing she asked me was if i was getting them tomorrow. i said i dont know i will let you know. ya see she wants me to get them so she doesnt have to handle the responsibility. or she uses them as an excuse to see me. is there anything else i can do to make her realize i am here for her?
i should say this is the ultimate question. my wife said her vows to me when we got married. she swore to them. how can i not so much as make me choose her parents over me but how can i gety her to depend on me know everything will be ok by trusting in me?
I find that when my h talks to me about what's gone on in his day, how he feels about whatever family "drama" is going on (usually with one of our sets of parents there's something brewing) or just the stuff that I know he really doesn't want to talk about, or just is open with me about all that yucky stuff guys don't like to share, it reminds me that he does need me and cherish me as a friend and confidant. I feel much closer to him in that he'll share with me those things that I know he won't share with others. Also, when he'll listen to me talk about stuff like that. I'm the sensitive one, and when something's going on in the family I worry and need someone to talk it over with. I appreciate him being there for me, even though I know he really doesn't care much whether my sister is speaking to my dad at the moment or not! lol
Is that the kind of "trust" you're getting at?
ok last night i figured out that the one way to save this was through her parents. i worte the a leet. whaMartha and Willard
Back in April of 2001 I met your daughter. I was stopping buy to buy a bottle of liquor. I had no intentions on meeting the woman of my dreams. That day when Shelia told me they didn’t accept debt cards I was shocked. When I left out of the store I could not believe the beautiful woman I had seen standing at the end of the counter. I had to go to the atm and get money out just so I could see her one more time. When I walked back in the store this beautiful woman waited on me and I headed to my car. All the while I was being followed by another woman. This woman asked if was married and I responded no, and then asked why? She said well that pretty little ole blonde in there just thinks your cute. I said well if she really does go back in there and tell her to come out here and talk to me. Well this woman came out to my car and the first thing I asked her was if she was serious or if they were playing a trick on me. She said no I am serious. I said well give me your number and I will call you later. When I got home I could not believe how such a beautiful woman would have interest in me. Just the way she carried herself at the time made me happy. Well later that night I learned that she had a son. His name was Tyler. I asked her if she wanted to go to dinner and and she said yes let me find a baby sitter. I said no you do not need to get a baby sitter. I said just bring him along. He is a part of you and I want to meet all of you. I cannot remember what day it was I think It was on April 5 when we first went to dinner at Applebee’s. the thing I remember most about that evening is Tyler throwing a chicken tender down the walkway and Jennifer saying don’t do that and I was laughing my butt off. She was so concerned at the time about his actions and I knew how children are and didn’t hold that against her. We had a great time and we went our separate ways for the night. Well two days later I invited Jennifer over to my place and I was going to cook her and Tyler dinner on me. Well when she arrived Tyler was running around my apt. having a good old time. It didn’t bother me a bit but Jennifer was getting aggravated and then he started to spit on my couch and I was laughing at him. Jennifer grabbed him and went down to her car. I followed her down and when we got her car she began to cry. She said I am sorry we will just go home because he is acting like this. I said no worry I will get all the things I was going to cook and bring them to your house and we can cook there. Well from that day on think me and Jennifer really clicked. We fell hard and fast for each other and only god knows why. I can not sit here and say we were meant to be together but I can say that I love your daughter with all my heart. She is not perfect and neither am I. we got married for all the wrong reasons but we seemed to find love and happiness in the end. Our relationship has had its share of ups and downs. But in the end of every arguments or disagreement me and her always found love again. Martha and Willard back in November of 2001 you gave me the right to marry you daughter. Martha you were the only witness to this. On that day you gave me your daughter. You trusted me with her. “to have and told from this day forward, fore better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish.” those are very very powerful words right there. I was young I was scared when I said those words. Martha Jennifer was too. I am sure you remember her crying that day. Willard when I got back to the store you told me I had better get back to work and make some money cause she was all mine now. I did, I went back to work. I have gone back everyday since. To provide what ever I could for her to make her happy. To provide for my family. When I left out of the house that Saturday there was one picture on the fridge that has been there since me and Jennifer were only two weeks into our relationship. It is a picture of me sitting in front of the stove holding Tyler. I don’t know if it still up there now but it was when I left. Jennifer called me about a guitar that my dad had got for me 8 years ago after I had moved out. I told her to give it to Tyler and that I left it for him. She asked why because it had so much sentimental value to it. I said Jennifer, Tyler is the only son I have in my life and I want to hand it down to him. I have no use for it and he will and has played with it more than I have. You see I have come from a broken home. It is no happy place. My mother did everything in her power when I was a child to make sure I saw my dad. She would take me to see him. He has a lot of problems and I have learned to accept them and forgive him for the past but it wasn’t enjoying. When I turned 18 I asked my mother why they didn’t work out. I then found out it was because of abuse on his part. She told me he has a disease that he cannot control and there was no other way to handle it other than divorce. She said I am sorry it happened and you just remember he loves you even though he doesn’t act like it always. There is a lot about my past that not many people do not know. From that day on I made a promise to myself to never bring a child into this world without doing everything I could to make sure mommy and daddy were still together. When I went to baseball practice or football I always looked out into the stands. My mother was always there. But my father wasn’t. I could never understand that. You see with Tyler that’s what I think every time I think about what is happening now. Tyler loves me more than he loves DJ I think. Everyday he say’s Steve I wish you could come home. How am I supposed to answer those comments? What do I say? I am sorry Tyler me and your mother cant get along? No that is not what I am going to say. I will comfort him. You know if we get this divorce I will still be there in the stands. I want you two to think about this. There is no other person in this world that has supported that child more than me. I don’t mean that in a rude way but I am serious. You two have a business to run and I understand that. I will not hold that against you. The only time I missed a practice or a game was when I was on second shift. If I could take them days off I would. I have always wanted to coach him but couldn’t because of haily being too young to let roam. Tyler is my son. I can say that without second thinking. I love him and I think you two know that. I shouldn’t have to prove that to you. Haily is my daughter but I do not love her anymore than I do Tyler. In my heart they are equal. I have known Tyler longer than I have haily. Now lets talk about your daughter. Jennifer is amazing. She can make me smile when I am upset she can make me mad at the drop of a dime. She knows how to push my buttons and I know how to push hers. We do argue a lot but all that can be fixed. When we left out of counseling Dee told us not to buy a new house. We were not done. We just quit going cause we thought we were done. We were happy at first but once the money became tight we began to argue a lot more. We should have never accepted the money from you two. that’s another thing. People always told me you two were loaded. You see money never meant anything to me my whole life. I never had it as a child. I have worked since I was 11 years old on a paper route. Riding my bike delivering papers. When it came time for me to drive I waited till I was 17 to get my license. I took my driving course in the car that I bought with my hard earned money. When I got behind the wheel I was responsible for my gas and any costs. Driving was a privilege to me. Now how does that all fit in? Willard me and you sat on your screened in porch after you had your surgery. You sat there and told me about all the money you have made in your life time. The millions and millions of dollars that aren’t accounted for. You said is wasn’t blown but it was used for good purposes for the children. You said you wanted them to have anything they wanted and to never want. You sir said all of these things and you had a tear running down your face. You made it a point to get me outside that day and actually sent haily back in the house when she came out. I don’t know why you opened up to me that day. You see in the last 3.5 years working at bowater I figured this much about life. Money cannot buy you happiness. If I could get my old job back and be home with my family everyday I would. I would rather be poor how I was raised and have all the love in the world. To me money is nothing. It is just paper. The more you make the more you spend the bigger your problems. Money comes and goes in your life but when the money is gone who do you have left to make you happy? Love however comes around only when the stars align. This is what I think about every time I work second shift. Why should I be at work when I have three people at home who love me. Martha I know Jennifer took that letter to the store and let all of you read it. Well that’s me in a nut shell. You said you feel sorry for me. From what I heard it made you cry. Do not feel sorry for me. I am a grown man. I will heal. If you are going to be sorry for anyone you be sorry for them children. Children are the only ones who get hurt in divorce. Like the judge said that day in court. He said people always talk about how they came out better but in fact the children always come in last. I did not want this divorce. Jennifer did not want this divorce. If you want proof I will prove it too you. The day before I a called the police she told me she didn’t. she told me. I think that’s why she reacted the way she did the next day. She was lost and helpless. She didn’t know what to do. Jennifer loves me I know she does and I know she doesn’t want this still. I honestly think she is holding back from stopping it because she doesn’t think you two will accept it. As a matter of fact I know that is what it is. Yes I have a audio tape of what happened that night and yes I have used it to make clear my name with people who asked about that night. I did not tape her that night or call the police that night to use it against her in court or to prove her unfit.I didn’t have a lawyer or a consultation until Jennifer told me she had one. I had no intention on leaving her. I know Jennifer. Maybe better than you two now. I wanted to play it back to her so she would realize what we were going through. That we needed more help. Amanda has heard the tape. As a matter of fact she is the first one who even knew about it. I cried on the phone with her that day after listening to it. She did too. I was wrong for calling the police that night and if I could make it disappear I would. But lets just say it was me doing that to your daughter. Would she be in the wrong for calling them on me? No. she wouldn’t. when I learned of how my dad treated my mother I made a vow with myself to never put my hands on a woman. Yes I have held Jennifer before to keep her from flipping out further. But it was never in anyway meant to hurt her. Jennifer is scared to give me all of her. I do not know why. I think she is scared to go against you two. You have done everything for her for the last 29 years and I cannot compete with that………….. What I can promise you is that I will do everything in my power to make sure she is happy when you two are gone. There isn’t many good people in this world and I realize now going through this I do have many faults of my own but I love you daughter and I do not want to loose her. I do not want to loose my family. If we could go back to counseling and learn how to better deal with our anger we could be happy. We are happy together. No she doesn’t need me and I don’t need her. But you two gave her to me years ago. Do not take her from me now. We can fix this. When I called the police she let you guys take over her life. We have so much money tied up in this right now it doesn’t seem right to go back now but trust me it would be worth it. We owe this to our children to work this out. We can sell the house give your money back, give the attorney fees back. Pay my mother back. Be broke and start over by ourselves. With my family. If my mother knew what I was doing right now she would be mad at me. But you know what I don’t care what she thinks. She is not the one who will or who has made me happy in the last 7 years. Other than my mother everyone in my family thinks we need to plow through this and make it work. I even told my mother I was doing the wrong thing. All she said was do what’s in your heart Steve. She said I raised you the best way I knew how you are your own man now, I am very proud of you and you have a family to look after. DO NOT LET THEM DOWN. They need you more than you know. You see this is what makes me keep hoping and praying for this to not go through. I will say this too. I will not quit until the papers are signed. I want to spend my life with Jennifer. You two think we are not good for each other. This is my hold up. I talked about my childhood above. When haily or Tyler comes up to me and asks why me and momma didn’t stay together what am I going to say? We argued too much? The truth is we never tried to fix us. We were too selfish. We never put you kids first in our life. We never over turned over every rock in our problems to find the solution. We never tried. We just gave up. Martha and Willard. All I am asking is for you two to think about this. There is still time for us to go see someone and try to fix our issues. We both miss each other. You gave me your daughter 6 years ago and I am asking for your blessing to try to patch this up. If we don’t succeed then fine. We can say we did everything in our power. We can say we tried. I want to apologize for the phone call I made to you two a couple months ago. I was blaming everyone else but myself at the time for our problems. You two have loved me for 6 years and learned to hate me in 3 months. Why? Martha you have always told me that Willard has said that no matter what if something happened to me and Jennifer that I would always be his son. I am not begging I am not pleading with you. I just want to make right what me and her have made wrong. If you would just give us three months to talk about this to Dee or anyone I believe we can fix this. When we went the first time me and her never gave it our all. We don’t have to postpone anything. We can remain separated for all I care. I will live here. She can live there. I will not ever hold our problems over the kids head. I just want one more chance. Let me have it and I will show you me and her are perfect together. Thank you for you time and my door is always open to you two also. I want to be there for your daughter when you two are gone. I want to make our vows last forever. Thank you and regardless of what you think I love you two.
Wow! What a beautiful, well thought out, and well written letter! If one of my sons' wives wrote that to me, I would run to their door to hug them and appologize for interfering. I sure hope this letter helps you. I'm so proud of you! Keep us posted as to how it goes!
well i droped the letter off with her mother at 705pm tonight. i really dont know how they are going to take it or if they will use it to their advantage. they might not even tell my wife about it. i really dont know. i guess all i can do is hope for the best. if i dont get a responce in the next couple weeks i am moving on in my life.
Hi Steve! Good for you! What courage! I hate to say it, but if you get no response from a heartfelt letter like that, then yes, I think you need to at least work on moving on. I'm so sorry you're in such a tough situation!
Hang in there though!
~Sarah
well i handed the wife another letter today when she brought my kids for the night.
Jennifer,
Enclosed is a letter I handed your mother yesterday for her and you father to read. I don’t know if they told you about it or even let you read it. Baby you tell me you are done and that you want me to move on with my life. Out of all the things me and you have been through in our relationship we should work this out. I Love You. You told me that you still love me. Jennifer if you still love me then there is hope. The only person that knows about the letter that I gave them is me and them. Do not be scared to work on us because of them. Jennifer they will not be here the rest of your life and you need to think for yourself. I know it is scary to think about depending on yourself and me but you must start making yourself happy and quit worrying what they think. Jennifer they are your parents they will accept and decisions you make in your life no matter what just as my mother would if me and you work this out. That’s why I am doing what I am now. Because at first yes I thought we needed separated. I did not however think that we should get divorced. We just needed time apart so we could heal ourselves and realize what we have before it is gone. Jennifer people make things work over very much more than this. The only problem me and you have is communication. That’s all. We have to learn how to argue the right way also. There is nothing wrong with arguing. Just think about how much your parents argue about things. Almost daily from what I remember. The problem with me and you is we never make up. We never say we are sorry. I have swallowed all of my pride in the last two days by writing a letter to your parents. Doesn’t matter to me. I am doing what I think is the right thing to do. I want to make me happy from now on. If I don’t make the attempt to salvage us I will never live it down or forgive myself. I want to be with you Jennifer. No one else. I love you. I know might not have always showed you but I did the best I could. I do have my faults and I am learning to correct some of my ways. We made a mistake by trying to move up too fast. We were happy on forest creek drive. The kids we happy. We were a family. We still are a family. I know you mad and I know your confused right now. I am sure there is a lot of people telling you to go through with as is the same thing happening to me. Do what’s in your heart Jennifer. You love me I know you do. There is no way you cant, you spent 6 years of your life with me and brought a child into this world for me. You are doing the right thing by moving on in your carrier and I commend you for that. Please just stop doing and thinking for one minute and think. Think about how we came about, how we fell in love, how we make each other happy. Stop thinking about all the negative and think about the positive. It far out weighs the negative. Jennifer me and you can be happy. It will take a lot of work yes but it can happen and if I had any doubts I wouldn’t be trying to save us. Do not be scared about this. We can go behind everyone’s back about this. We don’t have to tell anyone that we are trying to fix us. No one. It can be our secret. All I want from you is to think. You can hate me if you want to but love if you can. I have never stopped loving you. When I tried to get you to go to dinner on that Saturday before the court hearing it was because of this. I wanted to tell you how I felt and that I thought we were doing the wrong thing. Jennifer if you were truly done with me you could look me in the eye. You could come and tell me to my face that we are done. I think you are just mad, upset and confused right now. That is perfectly acceptable. Listen to your heart and not what you hear. We fell in love for a reason. If we were not compatible we would have not have made it as long as we have. We screwed up and told everyone our problems and then they began to tell us what they wanted us to do instead of what we wanted to do. Jennifer right now I know our trust is shot. But believe me if you are scared no one will accept me and you working things out you are wrong. What doesn’t break us up will make us stronger. that’s what makes a marriage strong. To be able to get through the bad times. Our children love us together. There is nothing like pulling into a driveway knowing that you and them are there loving me always. Jennifer please don’t be scared. I love you. Trust me with you. I will not let you down. I want you to love and cherish me how you do your mother. Jennifer they will not be there forever but I can however promise to you that I will till the day I die. I said those vows on November 30, 2001. I will stick by them. Lets be the happy family we once were. I love you and just think. Do not be scared to knock on my door. You would be the best thing to ever come to my door. I can sit here and write all the letters in the world, and I will if that’s what it takes then fine. I haven’t gave up yet Jennifer. Please don’t give up on us, please don’t give up on our family. I love you. I asked for a hug last week and I never got it. Please can I just have a hug? I wanted to cut the grass for you. Jennifer no one has to know about anything we do and they wont unless you tell them. From now on what me and you talk about or do from this day out will be secretive to me. If you want to take this and show everyone then fine. But if you want to talk to me then do it. don’t be scared. No more phone calls. No more. If we are going to talk about us anymore I want it to be face to face. If you want to pull into my driveway tonight when the kids are here then do it. Do you know how happy they would be to see us happy again? Just think about a big group hug! If you want to show up here tonight after they are in the bed just text me and tell me. Jennifer me and you need to sit down and talk. that’s all I want to talk, face to face. I love you…………….
she called me and said that she didnt have any trust in me because of the recordings. she said she needs to do this for her. she said steve you know me, once my trust is gone i am done with you. she said i want you to move on. she said my parents are not the ones holding me back. this is my decision. i told her i understand the trust issue and that we could talk to someone about us. she said she didnt want to and that there is nothing we can do to repair it. so what do i do now? is there anyway to prove to her that i am still trustworthy?
well its been a couple days and alot has happened. i kept my girl and step son wed. night. well thursday he wanted to go home and the wife made all kind of excuses to talk him into staying. long story short he called her crying saying he wanted to come home. she told me he was gonna have to do things he doesnt want to do. she said she would call back at 930. son stayed up till 10 waiting on her and she never called. i told her he wasnt my respon. and she never called. she went to the bar or something. well i told her momma the next day about it and she ripped her butt. then i learned she had been runnig to charlotte and columbia on friday and saturday nights. then i found out she has been fueding with her mother in the last week and that she got slam drunk at their house last friday. so drunk she couldnt make it up the stairs. he mother blessed her out. she told me that she didnt think her daughter would ever be happy. she said thank you for the letter and that she wished it would work its self out. well i told her how sorry her daughter was. the wife never called till 850am the next day and i blessed her out. told her how sorry she was. well she couldnt look at me the next day. she knows she ruined this. she knowssssssssssssss. thats all i have to say. i have washed my hands of her!
Re: can you help me save my marriage
Re: can you help me save my marriage
