can you help me save my marriage
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Old 07-26-2007, 12:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default can you help me save my marriage

me and my wife recently seperated. we have had our up and downs throughout the course of the last 4 years but we do love eachother very much. i have helped raise my son(step-son) for 6 years and we have a 5 yearold daughter. she bagan to drink alot and i became conscerned about her. i tried to talk to her parents about getting her help and they wouldnt beleive me or help even after i showed them proof and empty bottles. well i threatened to leave and file if she didnt straighten up and she became extremely angry with me. one night she attacked me in front of my children and i called the police. they carried her to her parents and the next day they have a lawyer. she has since not come to reality about the whole thing and her parents are pushing her to get a divorce even though i think she wants to work it out. let me include that the thing that has torn our marriege apart is the fact that she works for her parents. her hours are 9am-7pm 6 days a week. they have provided and spoiled her for the whole 29 years of her life and still do. she has allways taken her mothers advice over mine and her mother has done things in the past to make my wife think that she is the only one she can count on. i think my wife is scared to go against her parents and work thingsout with us. also we now have 10 grand in lawyer fee's now that all this is going on. the children say the miss me at home and that they wish i would come back. also now that we are seperated i still do everything i used to do with the exception of sleep in the same bed as her. is there anything i can do to turn the tables?

Last edited by stevewsc; 07-26-2007 at 12:20 PM. Reason: add on
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Old 07-30-2007, 07:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: can you help me save my marriage

What's going on with her that she started drinking so much? Whatever it is probably holds at least part of the key to saving your marriage. It sounds like she has controlling parents as well. That's definately difficult for you to deal with, I'm sure! You did the right thing calling the police when she attacked you. I believe in 'better safe than sorry' especially with children in the house! Those kids need you so don't let her and her family push you away from them no matter what happens with your marriage. The first priority should be getting her drinking under control. It's not easy, but once she's sober, maybe you guys can have a rational discussion. Maybe with a counsellor?
Good luck and God Bless!
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Old 07-31-2007, 12:22 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: can you help me save my marriage

I think it is always a mistake to focus on drinking when it is obviously a symptom of something else. If you can't find out why she is self medicating then there's no point expecting her to stop drinking.

It might be best to discover what that issue is first, before you think about patching things up. When you say that "she wants to work things out too" are you speaking from what you have heard her say when she's sober or are you assuming you know what she wants?
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Old 07-31-2007, 01:03 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: can you help me save my marriage

well she has drank for the last couple years on occation. not daily though. back in fedurary she had a falling out with her mother at work. her mother told her to go find a new job. she said" if you think you sorry a&^ husband is gonna pay you bills your wrong". well after two days at home she sasked me to help her. i explained to her that i didnt have any extra money. i said it takes all i make to kep the house and bills afloat. now she was drinking on an almost daily basis through this. she ended up going back to work for her parents 2 weeks later. and by doing so it made everything her mother said about me true. she has allways taken her mothers word over mine on anything. i say no momma says yes. i said no pool momma buys her a pool. i say no new car. momma buys her a minni van. i can not afford to do these things that she has been used to all her life. but her dad had tripple bypass lastyear around this time. it didnt effect her much but in march she learned about his possibility of having canser. we her parents became very broke. momm couldnt do as she allways has with giving her money. my wife ran up 16,000 in credit cards over the last year without my knowlege. i took all her cards and cut them up. two days later she comes home with her mothers card in her purse. see momma is going to whatever she can to keep herself at number one. but now that she cant because of money issues is why i think my wife is so upset. reality is really commming down on her fast. i dont blame her totally for the past but i can put most of the blame on her mother. alot of it is they way she was raised. she is 29 and her sister is 27 and they are still mostly dependant on their parents. well i talked to her lastnight. i asked if there was anything i or we could do to work through this. she said no that too much has been done in the past. she said had i not have called the police that night we could make it work. she said it hurt her to the core for them children to see her being taken off. so here i am blaming myself. i audio recorded her that night and on a couple of other occations. she went and told everyone we knew that i pushed her to that point the night the police came. and that i shoved her to the ground. which wasnt true. so i let most of them hear the tape to clear myself. well this has also backfired on me. my wife said she doesnt know who to trust looking over her shoulder worring. she said she is too hurt to work things out with me. she wants me to just move on and date if i have to make it easier on me. she said i love you and i miss you but you just have to let me go. just be the daddy you used to be to them kids. she cried i cried. i dont know what to do. i talked to her sister later on that night and she said just give her a couple months. she said she is still mad about eveything and that she cant make rational decisions untill she get over being mad. she said steve just give her time thats all i can say. so i guess all i can do now is be there for her if she needs me to watch the kids and spend as much time as i can with my kids. and try not to upset her anymore. what do you think?
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Old 08-02-2007, 08:56 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: can you help me save my marriage

Obviously, the first situation that has to be addressed, I think, is the drinking. Of course, in order to do that, the parental issue has to be addressed as well, since they are enabling her.

In some ways, I am going through similar things with my wife now (not the drinking, but the parental issues), only I am the one with the parental issues. It is very difficult to break from one's parents when they have been steady providers for one's whole life. I know because that's what I've had. They have helped me through lots of crises, and I feel indebted to them. And that indebtedness hinders my ability to separate from them and deal with issues between them and my spouse.

Perhaps the best thing would be to seek counseling, if she is willing. Sometimes a third party is needed to set things straight in the mind of the other person if she can't bring herself to listen to you.
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Old 08-03-2007, 02:05 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: can you help me save my marriage

i asked her that night. i said if i set us up with a couceler would you be willing to go and she said no. my wife has never admited to her faults. she allways figures out a way to turn it around make it seem as if it is my fault. like saying the police issue is what did us in. that i ruined the marriage by calling them that night. question here though. she said it hurt her to the core for them children to see her being taken off by the sheriff. ok what about what SHE put the children through that night? what she put me through? these are questions she will not answer. she is the one that got drunk, she is the one who started screaaming, she is the one that hit me numerous times. in my eyes she called them on herself. i think she hates me because i am the only one in her life that points out the fact that she has a serious anger and drinking problem. if the situation was reversed and i was hitting her it would be perfectly fine for her to call them on me. if that did happen i would hate myself not her. so here i sit. i have gone from a quarter million dollar house to a single wide. a family to am empty house. i just dont see how anyone can live and love someone for almost seven years and forget about them like they were never there. do you people think i just need to move on in my life as she suggested? or should i wait?
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Old 08-03-2007, 02:26 AM   #7 (permalink)
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her is a couple examples of her mother causing problems. she GAVE us 50 grand to put down on our house. she said she didnt want us to have to worry or fight over money in the future and that the kids needed plenty of land to play on. so we bought the house. well the next week my father in law gets the bank statement in the mail. he is furious. he knew nothing of the transaction. then mother in law says she LOANED us the money to cover her butt. so my wife had to hear daily of how they wanted their money back. this caused problems with us at home every week. when our other house sold i gave them 10 back and told them to leave us alone for a while. you see my mother in law is where my wife gets he lieing from. she lied about the money then gets caught and puts it off on us as a loan. second example. my wife wanted a pool shortly after we bought the house and i told her to wait till tax time cause we still had to get adjusted to the higher monthly costs of the house and payment. so she goes to her mothers for the weekend and comes home with a pool two days later. she said he dad loaned her the money and she was paying him back 100 bucks a week till it was paid for. so i became furious and irate. i asked her what we were gonna do to make up for the 400 a month and she shrugs her shoulders. so 3 weeks later i caught her dad alone and asked him why he loaned her the money without consulting me and he said laughing. her mother gave her the money. so i thought about it. her and her mother came up with the lie so i wouldnt get mad. why lie about it? what made me mad was that everytime she was over and we had company she would say how do you like the pool i bought for them? GRRRRRRR
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Old 08-03-2007, 02:35 AM   #8 (permalink)
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ok one more. my wife had a honda passport when we met. we had a hudge snow storm (for sc that is(i am from Pa)) well i let her drive my truck and i took the passport cause the tires were bald. well on the way home i rolled it. i felt bad about it so i told her she could have any car she wanted and to let me know. she wanted a toyota camry. so in 2002 i bought her a brand new one. i was stupid enough to put it in her name all the while i was the one making the payments. well i owed 6 more months on it and what does she do? she trades it in on a tahoe. without asking me. so i told her the payments are hers now since she didnt take it up with me first. this caused a big blowup with us. i told her not to make any major purchases without consulting me from now on. well we bought the new house in march of 2006. one month after staying there she started to complain about the gas prices. i told her she couldnt justify a new car payment to save 40 bucks a month on gas. so what does she do? she goes trades the tahoe in for a small mazda! then runs to her mothers for 2 days. i pull up at her parents and ask whose car that is? my mother in law responds that would be your wifes. then they sat there and told me how it got 45 miles to gallon. so i walked out got the sticker out of the glove box and asked them where it said 45. i told then it says 27 on the highway but not 45. i said you had better not ever do this again. so 3 months later she comes home with a van. her mother co-signed for it with her. now get this. after my father in law learns about it my mother in law goes and tells the hwole family that my wife forged her name. now the above three examples are all from the last 10 months. do i have a reson to be mad or am i just being a butthole?
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Old 08-03-2007, 02:42 AM   #9 (permalink)
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man you know the more i read about what i just wrote this might be the right thing to do. what is killing me right now is how i am so upset. i have lost 20lbs in the last two months. i cried myself to sleep for the first month. how can this be killing me and her be just like all peachy and stuff? i just dont understand. her sister says it is bothering her but no one can tell. should i wait and see what the next couple months hold or should i simply move on? she said she is done and there is nothing there. i am not going to get my children eveeryday like i have been simply beacuse all she is doing is using me as a baby sitter till she gets off work. i pay child support so why should i have to feed my little girl and my step-son on a daily basis and cart them around to please her. dont get me wrong i love the kids and i do want to see them everyday but i cannot continue to let her run all over me. she has to grow up and be an adult sooner or later. she wanted primary custody of my girl so if you ask me she needs to be a primary caregiver. if she doesnt want to be then we can just go back to court. should i wait and hpe on the next couple months or should i move on?
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Old 08-03-2007, 09:49 AM   #10 (permalink)
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First of all, it sounds like she has issues that only she can work on. She has obviously been spoiled all her life. You don't need to give in to all of that. She has to learn how to do some things for herself. You might just have to sit back and let her stumble and fall until she figures it out. Remember: if you love someone, let them go. If it was meant to be, they will come back. If not, then they were never yours in the first place.
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Old 08-03-2007, 05:52 PM   #11 (permalink)
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that is what i am going to do. she went to the sitters yesterday and talked about the letter i wrote. the sitter said there was nothing positive or negative said about it but that she did bring it up. so i am guessing she is still thinking about me. if she wasnt she wouldnt bring anything about me up. lastnight and this morning were really bad for me and when i woke up i felt really good about today. i called her about some bills and she was really nice. probibly the best conversation we have had since the split. i called her back a little later to talk to the kids and they were in the middle of playing with their friends and didnt want to talk. i said for them to be careful on the river this weekend and she said we will. she said i will ask haily if she wants to talk to you later tonight before she goes to bed and if she does i will call you so you can talk. is she being so nice because she is starting to think? i havent said i love you or really even talked to her since monday night. or is it she has just moving on and realizes nice is for the best. one more thing the grass is knee high at home. i have the lawnmower with me at my place and i am not allowed on the property at her house. i want so bad to take the mower back to her or ask her if i can come over and cut it. what should i do? let her handle it on here own?
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Old 08-03-2007, 10:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Wow, you are completely consumed, mentally, physically and emotionally by this in a negative way... Your posts are very desparate like, which I can tell is how you feel... First off, you need to take a moment to remove yourself from the situation... Looking from the outside in, this is a women that is not in a state that most would be fighting, scratching and clawing to get back with...

Being that you are so desparate to be with her, I hope you are not pushing your feelings about this onto your children when you are with them, for they do not need to be put in the middle.

You videotaped her during her outburst? And then played it to others for proof? But that was not your intention? Why would you videotape her in the first place. That is not something I would want to ever see again, if it was someone I loved, nor others.

I think you really need to find yourself again... I think your "soul" is completely overcast by your egoself. You are so weak now... Get out of this "drama" while you're not living there! You do not have any confidence or strenght within yourself now, nor did you when you were with her because she was looking for it and ran to her parents for it...

This is very important: If you really want your relationship to work, you must find "true" confidence within yourself... You need to go and make a life for yourself where you don't need other's to help you support it... You speak of your little "single wide" that your living in, from your quarter million, in the negative. This is a home that you are supporting all by yourself with no help from anyone... I believe that you like the "high rolling" lifestyle that her parents helped to provide you with... Stop living so materialistically... Be proud of what you are now doing on your own, for there are many in worse boats than you!!! Be proud of EVERYTHING you do!!!

If you can bring your focus back into you, you will see that the world is a HUGE and MAGNIFICENT place where there are no boundaries or limitations! I hope you do find yourself, and might I add, if you do, don't be surprised if you decide to go a different route!
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Old 08-03-2007, 11:08 PM   #13 (permalink)
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first of all i video taped my wife on only one occation. on this occation she was drunk threw two lamps at me because i told her my family was comming up to visit for the weekend. after throwing the lamps i got ready to leave for work early so i didnt have to argue with her. well on the way to my truck she followed me. grabbed a steel pipe and beat the door in. while beating my truck she stopped and said why dont you tape this. so i recorded it on my cell phone. well when i came home from work and went to sleep her and her sister broke into my truck on mothers day and deleted it. the only reason i taped her was to show her how she was acting.
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Old 08-03-2007, 11:14 PM   #14 (permalink)
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secondly after the video got deleted i bought a audio recorder. i recorded her on numerous times screaming at the children, calling me a sob in front of them. no one in this world would have heard the recording from the night i called the police if she wouldnt have started lie's. she told everyone i had my children at a friends house and that he had 5 women over there. first lie. she told them i came home and shoved her around and pushed her on the ground infront of the kids. second lie. so everyone is asking me if i really did that and they started to distance there sef from me. so i let them hear that particular recording to set myself free.
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Old 08-03-2007, 11:22 PM   #15 (permalink)
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i do not take pride in materialistic things. the only new thing i own is a truck. everything i had is old and worn out. i only go shoping for clothes when i run out. i am not cheap just dont need much to survive. i am happy in my single wide. what i was impling was it makes me sick that i did all f these things for my wife over the years and she didnt appreciate them because of how she was raised. my marriage was built on a rocky foundation and we somehow found love. i just dont want to let it go. bring my children into this? not hardly. my kids have told he they miss me and they want me to come home. she doesnt make sure they brush their teeth in the mornings. she doesnt play with them. my kids come over my house and they dont want to leave. they leave cause they have to. this honestly might be the best thing for me. it hurts now but it might be best
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