2sick

Me again! Although my husband and I have started therapy all we do is criticize, act sarcastic, and pick fights with each other. I can't even call him to just ask what do you want for dinner!!! or Just calling to see how you're doing....without getting a rude sarcastic comment!! Started reading a Gottman book and after taking his self evaluation tests determined that I am at the last stage of a destructive marriage.... lonely and detached. We don't go out on dates unless we are with another couple....Even then snide comments and sarcastic jokes are always made! I have to admit I am also to blame for the sarcasm because I'm just tired of trying to mend fences. A few weeks ago I was coming back from a dentist appointment and called my h (my initial intent was to see if he had already gone to lunch and if not I would drop in and we could get together)...I asked him where are you....his response, why....I say just got out of the dentist... he says i'm getting off of 270.....I say Really where are you....His response why do you want to know, you want to do a drive by check-in!!! I say f-u just wanted to see how close you were to me so we could go to lunch. I don't know where I am his response!!!!! I say fine just forget it.

That has been our entire relationship lately. Is it time to just call it quits?!?!?!? 16 years and 2 teenage kids just doesn't seem to matter anymore!

Any advice?

unbelievable

Nobody does anything without getting some reward. It's just about impossible to argue by oneself for very long. Next time he says something mean or sarcastic, smile and calmly ask, "feel better, now?" It's no fun to torture someone who isn't screaming or showing any evidence of displeasure. You're both getting something out of this behavior or it wouldn't persist. Maybe negative feedback feels better than none.

lime

I think both of you are focused on winning and being right, which escalates the conflict. If instead you focused on minimizing conflict, these situations wouldn't escalate so much.

It's wayyy easier said than done though. But try it--the next time he does something rude or sarcastic, just let it slide. Don't react negatively or escalate the situation. Unbelievable's suggestion is an interesting one--it might work, or it might be viewed as passive aggressive and anger him more. (I get WAY more angry if anyone tries to pull that "Look at me, I'm so calm, I'm so much better than you" kind of bs haha). If you do it right though, and aren't trying to be passive aggressive but just sincerely calm, I think it can work!

2sick

Thanks for the advice....will try!!! Can't hurt!

shellbellstar

Just from experience, the best thing I did was just call and flat out tell them I'm not calling to talk, I'm only going to say one thing, and then tell them one thing that they did that day/week whatever it be that you are thankful they did for you.

Sometimes you have to dig realllly hard to find that one comment, but after you say that and then tell goodbye, somewhere in their brain they get confused and don't know what to say or do. :P

Do it everyday and it will start to come back your way.