Need some perspective on my situation.
Been with my OH for 3.5 years, we have two LOs aged 1.5yrs and 8 weeks.
We spoke about marriage at various points before our first child was conceived, he was keen on the idea and I was open to it. During that pregnancy I warmed to the idea and was quite open with how much I would like us to be married now we were expecting a baby. Although he was fully committed to us having our baby, he seemed to be lukewarm about the idea of marriage - the dynamic had changed. I'm somewhat regretful to say I pursued the idea more than I should have done looking back, I feel I pressed the issue more than I should have done.
He started off saying what did it mean, what would it change, married friends said it didn't make any difference etc etc... Then he said we had enough to think about with a baby imminent, we couldn't afford to get married, he didn't want to think about it until we'd moved in together and had baby. I explained I wanted the security of knowing we were heading in the same direction, he agreed. The birth of baby came and went, we'd had plenty of discussions about getting married and he let slip he'd planned to propose at the birth but didn't, and for some reason this really upset me - I was starting to think he was saying one thing and meaning another, and he said he wanted the proposal to be a special occasion, and wanted to plan something.
Anyway he did ask after lots of talking, and I kinda wish I'd left it to him to do it off his own back - you see where this is going?
He seemed disinterested in making any arranagements, although I gathered from female friends this is not unusual! I took it upon myself to set a date and told him, we started to work towards it until we realised what we would want would have to be put back if we were to afford it, so I cancelled the initial plans.
I did originally say I wasn't bothered about an engagement ring and I would wear the ring he already bought me. I changed my mind after some thought, and let him know, which he seemed fine with - but a year down the line, nothing. I knew money was tight but he was off spending relatively large amounts on his hobby - of course I want him to enjoy himself, he works hard, but I started to feel put out and told him. He seemed to take this to heart as he reported back one day he'd told his close male friends what I'd said and what they thought and they agreed with me and could see how I'd feel put out.
I feel like I've created a bad situation out of mostly my own doing. I do feel that had I not pushed things, we'd still be moseying along living together with children but no sign of marriage - and I feel that if I never mentioned marriage again, he wouldn't either.
He did mention once jokingly that he didn't need to get married because it was like we were anyway (why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free anyone?) and if I'd said I wouldn't sleep with him/move in together without getting married, then he would have done. I don't know how much he meant it but I don't know what to do *shrugs* I want the commitment of being married, but I want him to want it too. In all other respects he is great - a great father, a good partner, works hard, supportive - but this plays on my mind so much, most recently because I asked him what he wanted for Christmas, he said nothing, and that he wasn't getting anyone except the kids anything - I suppose being honest I was secretly hoping he might present me with a ring
I just don't know if he wants to get married or not!