In love with 2 men - so confused!
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Old 11-30-2010, 08:39 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default In love with 2 men - so confused!

Hi there

It has been over 8 months since I have had something to talk about that really requires some advice.
About a year ago my husband dropped a bomb shell on me and told me he was no longer happy in our marriage, that he felt we were becoming codependent, and that he wasnt happy with the way his life was going.
We went through about 6 months of marriage counselling and started getting our relationship back on track. Throughout this time he treated me like rubbish. He made very little effort and started behaving really badly towards me. Now 6 months down the track, things are really back on track, however I always question in my mind what if he turned around and did this again?!
The main focus of our counselling was our communication (or lack their of), which has definitely improved but still has a long way to go. We have started talking about kids again, and this time around it is freaking me out! I am in a new job, surrounded by alot of amazing people, and I am really starting to realise the stress that having children can place on a marriage (especially if the relationship has been known to be rocky). There are so many things I feel that he/we need to change before that can happen but he doesnt seem to see that.

Anyway, in the last few months, I have met someone at work that started as a friendship and has now progessed to us admitting we have very strong feelings for each other. I have not cheated on my husband (well physically anyway) and I never will. But even this emotional affair is killing me. I feel awful about it but I dont know what to do.
Part of me thinks that if everything that happened with my husband over the last 12 months hadnt have happened, then I wouldnt have allowed this to enter my life, the other part thinks that if I was entirely happy I wouldnt be entertaining the idea of being with this other man. However he makes me feel a way that no one has ever made me feel (not even my husband in the early stages). We have so much more in common and love doing so much of the same things.
Does anyone have any advice?
Thank you in advance
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Old 11-30-2010, 10:27 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: In love with 2 men - so confused!

Sienna,
I can tell you from personal experience that since I can relate to your story I too have had felt feelings for another man other than my own. I wasn't married to him however, we were commited to one another. If you are married than you have been made one under the eyes of God which you should respect and obey it's laws. Just keep your friendship with the other man until it's for certain that you and your husband will not be able to make it work. If you say this new guy makes you feel different, are you sure that it's not because it's new attention?
My husband and I are going through a really rough time right now and seeking help ourselves. At this time it seems as though it's not working but yet I could not imagine getting close to another man without giving my husband the respect of letting him know and divorcing. I don't know if in your situation if there are kids involved but, you should also put them into consideration. After working for your marriage are you ready to end it? Are you even the slightest bit of happy with your husband? If you have even the smallest spark you should continue working on your marriage.
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Old 12-01-2010, 12:05 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: In love with 2 men - so confused!

Do NOT consider bringing children into this sad drama.

No good will come of it.

Work things out with your husband. End your infatuation with the other guy.

If you cannot work things out with your husband then end your marriage.

Only then should you get romantic with anyone.

Did I mention that you should not get pregnant right now while things are so unsettled and confusing?
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Old 12-01-2010, 12:17 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: In love with 2 men - so confused!

I agree with the above poster. I child will stress a good marriage, and break a bad one. Then you're a single mother dealing with a whole crockpot full of issues.

Right now it's an EA..if you don't end it NOW you could get on the slippery slope towards a full blown A. I can tell you that even an EA can cause extreme pain and devastation to the other person. I've heard others say that the EA was worse than a PA because it involved emotions..not just sex.

I don't think you'll feel very good about yourself if you continue with this. You owe it to YOURSELF to try the best you can with your marriage, and if you just can't get to where you need to be, then get a divorce. Then you can hold your head high knowing that you didn't lower your standards or morals. Your character will be intact. That goes a long way.

I have to wonder about a man that would involve himself with a married woman in ANY way. That tells me something about him. No need to be defensive...I just wouldn't want anything to do with a man who would allow himself to get that close to a married woman. Some men are very good at getting a woman to believe just what they want them to believe. You have to look at their character. And his IS lacking. Or he wouldn't be admitting to feelings for you.

Until you're divorced...you need to go completely no contact with this other man. No text messaging, no conversations that aren't work related. You need to send him a no contact letter telling him that you're going to do everything to make your marriage work, and won't be contacting or accepting contact from him again. And then stick to it. That will be the hardest part. Sticking to it.

If you're that unhappy, then fix it or get out. Go to counseling for yourself. Do *anything* that will allow you to work on things without compromising yourself. You already feel bad, you don't want to feel worse.

And please...do not have a baby. It won't fix the problems in your marriage, I promise you.
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Old 12-02-2010, 05:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: In love with 2 men - so confused!

I have to definatly agree with the posters that have said dont bring children into it..that is not fair on them.

I honestky think that you need to do what your husband did when he was having his issues... give your marriage a fighting chance, your husband worked very hard to over come his issue and put the marriage back on the right road and you should be very proud of him, i understand there is still a long way to go but by you brining a 3rd person into it sexually or emotionally is not going to help anything it will not only destroy you, him but also your usband who does not deserve that.

You need to cut this man off and out of your life, yes you work with him but you only need to talk to him when it is worl related, you need to go to personal councilling as you are obviously still lacking something from your marriage. if you do all this i am sure you will feel better for doing all that you can to save it and if it still fails then you can move on knowing you did what you could.
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