General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
At the risk of sounding boastful, which is not my intention, when we have sex, it is VERY pleasurable for her. Which means, if she was inclined not to want to have sex with me, maybe she would because it does physically feel very good for her. So, I am saying if she does it, it seems to me that she really is just doing it for her, not me. Like my needs do not matter. it seems to always be on her terms, her way, etc.
So when I say "she gives me sex".. she may do it wanting me to think she is doing it for me but in reality it's not that much of a sacrifice since she gets alot of physical satisfaction as well. I hope I am making sense.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkTwain
Cone you have figured out what most people take a long time to get: Changing yourself first can affect the dynamic of a relationship so much that it is sometimes not even necessary to do anything else.
In your original post you stated that she gives you sex, but it's just for her. I can't quite imagine how this might work, can you elaborate?
Do you mean she tells you exactly how she wants it, and you can't even chose say, what position. Or do you mean she just rolls over and goes to sleep, before you even come? Like we blokes have been accused of?
Babyblues7,
Well, although I have tried, I'm sure there are some reasons she could be resenting me. Me not handling things well, fighting back when I should be supportive, etc. Actually, I have not been as confident as I should, I think that bothers her to. I am working on it all, but I think some damage has been done. She says she doesnt resent me, but it sure seems like she does. Sometimes, she seesm to really want to be around me, but others, it seems like I am simply an annoyance. Does this resentment go away? is the damage permanent? How deeply does it effect a woman's view of her husband? does intimacy turn into an obligatory act? Does it make them close up and want more privacy? I want to turn all this around, I want her to be happy, she certainly deserves it.[/QUOTE]
Well in my situation the resentment went away when the problem did. She needs to address whatever problem, if there is a problem that is causing her to feel that way, with you to help resolve it.
I do not think it is permanent no. It seems like you are really trying to help and she has to see that. I wish there were more men like you that had the patience with their wives like you seem to have. Intimacy turning into an obligatory act...maybe... maybe she is bored with it. I know that has happened to me before. I kind of felt obligated. But I am sure that is not typical. Hope things go well for ya....you seem to be getting some good advice.
Is she menopausing ? The reason is it can make things a Roller-coaster. I say -"Man-Up" like you said , and just love her. Let it be no pressure. Then see what happens. Make her your experiment.I know this is soft coming from me
Triton -
I was thinking just the same, he should see this as an experiment. IF she is using him for sex, it's hardly a penance for the average man is it? I know women hate being in that situation, but for a man it's a challenge we can, ahem rise to.
cone -
Your tactic of working on yourself first is wey cool. If you can bear it, for now I would change NOTHING. Be the observer. Like Spock with his raised eyebrows. "Fascinating captain".
I have to agree with babyblues. It does seem as though there is something bothering her, whether specific or depression in general and once that is resolved the rest should fall into place.
Most women need to feel emotionally connected to their spouse to want sex...the 'i'm going to jump your bones when you walk in the door kind'...when they are feeling alone/distant it's more along the lines of getting your feet rubbed...yeah, that would feel good right now so I wouldn't mind doing it since you brought it up, but it's not preceded by sexual urges throughout the day, etc.
The 5 Love Languages...(common suggestion on here) is a good read to see what makes her feel loved/appreciated. Being home all day with 4 kids can be draining especially when the ex has them in the 'it's ok to disrespect mom' mode (been there done that...well actually still doing that) It might be a good idea, if you can swing it, to start going on dates (if you don't already) and spending time with just the two of you. I would definitely say you make the plans and do things where you can sit/talk/relax away from everything. It could lead to a good environment for her to start opening up about how she's been feeling.
When I think back a year or so a good question my husband could have asked me was 'how is your life now married w/kids different than what you imagined it to be?' I think that's what I figured out I needed to ask myself and then start making some changes.
You make good points. But are we grasping the subtlety of the situation here, re sex? That is why I keep asking for more info. I'm like goat chewing on a garment hanging on a clothesline. I won't let go until I get to the bottom of this mystery.
I am familiar with the love languages, we thought hers were the same as mine (touch and words) but over the last year, I think hers may be quality time and acts of service. Which means I have been trying to switch gears and get more things done around the house(not one of my strong points!). I already spend time with her as much as possible, that is natural for me since I love being around her so much. It goes back to her maybe feeling under-appreciated. I tell her all the time how beautiful she is but maybe she needs to hear how much I appreciate how clean the house is. I have already started that process, but only very recently.
You struck a nerve with me when you said; "Most women need to feel emotionally connected to their spouse to want sex...the 'i'm going to jump your bones when you walk in the door kind'..." I have always said, that if a woman doesn't want sex, the man must be doing something wrong where emotional fulfillment is concerned. I have been trying, just not the correct things, or maybe I undermine myself by handling her the wrong way in other areas. Somehow, someway, I have made her feel emotional disconnection and I am desparetely trying to figure out how and why and what I can do to fix it. Becuase I wasn't aware that it was happening. As attentive and wise as I try to be, it can still get past you if you aren't as alert as you can be. Me letting all this effect me so negatively has made my senses dull, I need to sharpen them up again (I guess that's what Im doing on this forum!).
In the mean time, as the guys have said, her using me for sex is better than none at all!
Quote:
Originally Posted by swedish
I have to agree with babyblues. It does seem as though there is something bothering her, whether specific or depression in general and once that is resolved the rest should fall into place.
Most women need to feel emotionally connected to their spouse to want sex...the 'i'm going to jump your bones when you walk in the door kind'...when they are feeling alone/distant it's more along the lines of getting your feet rubbed...yeah, that would feel good right now so I wouldn't mind doing it since you brought it up, but it's not preceded by sexual urges throughout the day, etc.
The 5 Love Languages...(common suggestion on here) is a good read to see what makes her feel loved/appreciated. Being home all day with 4 kids can be draining especially when the ex has them in the 'it's ok to disrespect mom' mode (been there done that...well actually still doing that) It might be a good idea, if you can swing it, to start going on dates (if you don't already) and spending time with just the two of you. I would definitely say you make the plans and do things where you can sit/talk/relax away from everything. It could lead to a good environment for her to start opening up about how she's been feeling.
When I think back a year or so a good question my husband could have asked me was 'how is your life now married w/kids different than what you imagined it to be?' I think that's what I figured out I needed to ask myself and then start making some changes.
MTwain, I guess I'm not getting it...If she were initiating then using him for sex would sound plausible but if she doesn't, then I would think her sex drive is low at the moment but when he initiates she figures what the heck, I know that will feel good so I'll just do it, but she's not sexually connected where she's 'jumpin the cone'...sorry cone, now I feel like we're talking behind your back
We just need more clarification on this subject. Any number of things could be going on here. All I can say is that so far this aspect of the story fits no known pattern! (in my memory banks). So rather than jump to conclusions, I want to find out more about the SEX
swedish -
We just need more clarification on this subject. Any number of things could be going on here. All I can say is that so far this aspect of the story fits no known pattern! (in my memory banks). So rather than jump to conclusions, I want to find out more about the SEX
Re: My wife's words do not match her actions 
