AZMOMOFTWO

I'd been posting about how things have been going with my marriage, a roller coaster! Husband says he is still in love with me but things are not the same and I no longer trust him. This is his fault and he recognizes it. I just returned from a trip for 6 days and took my daughter, he stayed home with our 4 year old son. While away he called me, texted me, and things seemed good. Now that I look at it he has some emotional dependance on me...I never made him that way but I enabled I'm sure. Anyway, He and my son did lots of things together it was great for them. I just wonder if he took a girl with him (the 18 year old who always comes around). At first I was sure he didn't, nothing he did or said indicated it but my son insists she went to the movies and to the waterpark with them. Now this has happened before and I knew about it but that was before all this, so he could be confused with another time...When I said are you sure, he changed his answer. I did not ask him, I would not put my 4 year old in the middle, he was recounting what they did and so he offered all this. I confronted my husband, and when confronted he usually will cop to what ever he did that I might not like but with some good excuse...this time he was adamant that she did not go, the two of them went alone and our son is confused. He did say yesterday our sone ran down the street to go say hi to her (she's our sitter 3 doors down) and she was in her bathing suit going to or coming from her aunt's to swim (aunt also lives on the block). When asked again my son insisted she went and that her parents went too. Now I know her parents didn't go so now I'm starting to doubth him and don't want to push him anymore. Normally I'd say he's confused but I have so little trust. I told hubby that too. He said he understood, as he is the one who gave me cause to doubt.

On the other hand I've started talking with a guy who I'm getting more interested in. I don't even feel guilty. This is not me! I've had men try to buy me drinks during friends' bachlerotte parties and I always say no way and immediately show them I'm not interested. But with this guy I .... just like talking to him. Nothing has happened so nothing to feel guilty about but he's become a friend and he'd like to make it more. He does not know the situation but knows that I'm not in a happy marriage. He's been telling me everything I needed to hear. One of the first things he said to me was that he thought I was beautiful .... wow! haven't heard hubby say that recently, he shows interest in what I am interested in, and he told me he's in no hurry to push anything this is too important. I'm definately attracted to him both physically and emotionally. When I took this trip I thought of him a lot. Whenever I would feel bad about something my husband has done or not done and our situation, I'd switch to thinking about this guy and it would change my mood.

He's been through this too, divorced and two kids. Part of me just wants someone who understands. I know its dangerous ground, I've not committed to ending my marriage just yet. But I can't keep myself from talking with this other guy. So far its just been talking and we have not gone anywhere together.

I asked my husband when I got home if he missed me and he said yes and it seemed sincere. I also asked him if the time away helped and he said "it didn't hurt" and when asked if he'd like more time away from "us" he said yes. You'd think after just getting back he'd say at least not right now...I actually did not want to come home to this stress and I told him that. I also told him I wanted a man in my life who knew he loved me and wanted me to be with him. I understand time alone and time away and that is ok, in fact I needed it more than he probably did. But, I also learned some things about myself that surprised me and after doing some soul searching I'm really in conflict because it didn't take me in the direction I thought it would. He didn't ask me to elaborate, he just said he understood that and he said that I just got home let's give this a few days...

I still love him, but don't trust him. I'm feeling more and more like I want to ask him to leave and pursue where it might lead with the other guy. I am also afraid that I am not letting myself recover at all and this other guy is giving me exactly what I lacked so are my feelings authentic. He's not doing it to manipulate me because he has no way of knowing what I am feeling. I've told him nothing about my relationship. I do not think the other guy is playing me at all...he's far too patient if he is but I trust him.

Completely in conflict right now...just taking it one day at a time. But one thing I am doing is building my own life. If its separate from him then so be it but I've not had a lot of friends that weren't his we did things as couples, now I'm reaching out and going places with people I enjoy and making new friends. I know I am changing. Somehow through this I've become more confident, I don't know where it's coming from because you'd think that he'd have damaged my self-confidence. I have to work around kids' schedules too but doing this as much as possible and of course planning time with just me and the kids. I figure I will go about my life, focus on those things that make me happy, and follow my heart.

Maybe in the end this won't be under my husband's control at all and by not making a decision he will force one from me. He's very passive so he could go a long time with making no decision at all. He has a lot of patience that way. I've seen it with his parents, they ticked him off and he just made no effort to call, answer the phone, or see them for 9 months. They finally gave in. He won, he did nothing. I'm seeing the same pattern, he won't commit to fixing our relationship but he won't leave either.

Meantime, for the most part things are pleasant, he's good natured and we do things together, he's affectionate and tells me he loves me. Its when that girl gets involved things can get unpleasant but he's kept that from happening lately (then my mind says maybe he just does it behind my back...I have no proof). My son's b-day party is Saturday and I know hubby is not that stupid to invite her but she just tends to show up places, invites herself. My neighbor's kids are invited (the neighbors that are all wrapped up in this and the wife is having some sort of relationship with the 18 year old) so I worried that my neighbor would bring her. I told my husband this is our son's party and that girl cannot go and to make sure I think I will tell her that. He did not argue, but he said he would handle it that he would go talk to our neighbor and flat tell her not to bring the girl (those two are "best friends" so they go everywhere together). I guess its a step in the right direction, and after that step not sure where I am headed. Just one day at a time.....

iheartmywife

in some ways what your going through is what my and my wife are going through right now. she was the one that messed up. now everytime i dont hear from her or things dont add up i go through the whole rainbow of emotions and end up angry. there is alot that doesnt add up but i can only go on what she says that she wants to work on this. ive told her if i ever find out that she is still dealing with this guy the door is open and it only swings one way. my instinct says that she is still has some contact with him but i dont have any proof. and right now her word isnt golden.

my advice to you is if you want this marriage to work this other guy needs to be out the picture. the problem with starting a new relationship while your still in the marriage is that it only leads to confusion. it seems like your husband is trying and you need to tell him what you want. everything your getting from this guy you can get from your husband. i dont want to sound mean but you need to grow up. not only will you hurt your husband but you will hurt the other man and it might even tricle down to your kids. And trust me all the fighting you say your fighting for your marriage while longing for this other man is only helping to distroy your marriage. you will never be happy with what your husband gives you emotionally cause it wont compare to what you think you could of gotten from this other loser. I hate men who cant find a relationship of their own. this is exactly why men lose it and end up in jail. I told my wife when you let the next man into the relationship as a mans point of view its like a burgular coming into your house and taking everything that means anything to them. this guy is no good. he is only telling you what you want to hear because while he will get his "reward" he wont have to deal with all the strings of a relationship. you will still be in limbo and he will be still getting his reward. he is what i call a TAKER. everyone in some way is a taker but he is one in the worst way.

sorry if it sounds like im attacking you but you seem like such a good person. i understand that you were hurt but hurting others wont make you feel better. if you really want to save the marriage you will stop talking to this guy altogether.

the pastor on tv said that when you get married you will never like everything that your spouse does for you. you love them like 80% and cant stand the other 20%. when you go out the marriage you may find a person that gives you that 20% but you still have to understand that that person has 20% that your not gonna like and there is a whole 60% thats up in the air. made so much sense to me when i heard it.

your husband however needs to decide what he is going to do. he cannot string you along. that is also destroying the marriage. you need to be firm with him and tell him he has to make a choice. and if he doesnt tell me and ill come knock some sense into him just kidding.

BlueCreek

I feel for your uncertainty and I understand where your lack of trust is coming from. Your husband has done a very poor job of distancing himself from that girl. I've posted a couple responses to you before and you know I'm pulling for you here. However, you really need to take a look at the friendship you've got going with this man and the impact it is going to have. The closer you get to him, the less you are going to be open to getting things worked out with your husband. And the more time you spend with him, the more you are going to connect regardless of your intentions. Maybe you haven't shared anything remotely physical with him yet, so maybe you have nothing physical to feel guilty about, but he's telling you all these great things and treating you this way because he obviously knows you like it and want it. He is responding to an opening you have chosen to give him. Like your husband, you are already in an EA. Now he went into his first while you've been driven into yours by him, but both are still choices you are each making.

Something iheartmywife said that I agree with (though with perhaps not quite so much vehemence ) is that this other guy is really not all that great. A gentleman and a good person would NEVER hit on woman that is married and let them know they want it to go further. He may say and do all the right things to try and build up a friendship (and with hopes of more,) but we're talking about basic morals and inner character here, and it's a pretty big flaw to go after (even patiently) someone who is married knowing that you are wrecking a marriage that might still be saved. A truly good person would offer friendship and support, but would not hit on you in any way, and would only try and do everything he could to help you save your marriage, regardless of how attracted he might be to you. I have a pretty low opinion of someone who would do otherwise. Instead of actually supporting you and thinking about you and the kids, he's taking advantage of you. I honestly am not trying to be harsh with you here and I know I'm passing judgment on someone I don't know, but there is a core level of morals I expect out of what I consider a good guy, and he's failing a pretty big one.

Look, I know you are having a hard time, and I understand that you don't trust your husband.

(However, I'm turning the corner a little bit on that. While it's obvious he's still unsure about the future of your marriage, despite all your efforts, and undoubtedly it boosts his ego having a teenager have a crush on him, it sounds a bit more like he is trying to be honest with you, even if he is not making the effort he should to not spend time around that girl. Incidentally, I have a boy who is nearly five. He talks about things he did with grandma like it was yesterday when he hasn't seen her in months and always swaps days, weeks, and even years around when talking about things that have happened or when he thinks they are going to happen. He'll do something like tell me "I'm going to back to school in two weeks" with absolute conviction when I pick him up on a Friday, or talk about something we did "last year" when it was something we did yesterday. As you know, I was originally skeptic he would stay faithful while you are gone, but only an absolute scum bucket would cheat on their spouse with a four year old sleeping in the house.)

But there is one thing I am a firm believer in with any relationship or marriage, no matter how bad. One emotional/physical relationship at a time. For one, it's just common decency to not do anything with someone else until you're clear of the one your with, but also iheartmywife is dead on accurate. If you don't figure out what you really want first, your relationship this other guy is likely to become a self fulfilling prophecy in that it will destroy your marriage even while you're telling your husband he needs to work harder at it. Even if you husband tries, the freshness of this new relationship will make if feel more powerful and you'll be comparing what your husband is trying to do and it won't stack up (something you are already doing.) It's not right for you to be dependent emotionally on another man while you're trying to work things out with your husband. You cannot be committed to repairing your family (your kids count too) while your interest in another man is blossoming, any more than you husband can when he is letting his ego be stroked by a girl with a crush.

I'm not a preachy person. People have all sorts of different personalities and needs, and I'm not one to tell anyone what they absolutely have to do, especially so when I don't know them personally. I do, however, firmly believe that affairs of any kind are flat out wrong. Your marriage may be nearing it's end, but determine that for a fact first. Your husband may or may not deserve that respect, but as a good person (and from all your posts, you so obviously are,) you deserve that self respect.

My advice is to tell your friend that you do appreciate all the emotional support he has given you, but you need to take a breather from him and find out once and for all if your marriage can be saved before you continue with the friendship and see where it leads. Your marriage stands zero chance the way your are headed otherwise. While I know most non abusive marriages can be saved by two people who make the choice and commitment to rediscover their love and passion, some marriages simply will not make it, no matter the effort or desire. Such may be your case, but you HAVE to figure that out first. By choosing to develop this friendship with someone your emotional and physically attracted to, you are making the choice to give up any chance your marriage might have. Read up on the "honeymoon period" since it directly relates to having emotional affairs. It's a powerful and fresh emotion that drives people to affairs or chose to leave a marriage, when that powerful emotion will never last either without lots of work. If you need explicit proof, remember that while the divorce rate among first marriages may hover around 50%, but it's about 65% second marriages. If you chose to end the marriage, make the decision based on you and your husband only, not what someone else "might" be able to give you.

Take this with a grain of salt because I've never been through anything like what you are. I know neither you nor your husband personally so cannot tell exactly how close you are to the leaving point, how he might react, or what exactly it would take for both of you be totally in love again. But my advice is to just bite the bullet and sit down with your husband and lay it all out on the line. Tell him that a month ago you were 100% committed to your marriage, but because if his failures to put forth the same effort as you have that he has driven you to that same 50-50 point he is. Let him know that while he's been letting his ego be stroked by someone else and picturing the fabled greener grass, you've met someone that has started saying all the right things to make you feel beautiful and special the way he (your husband) is supposed to. (I'm not in favor of using a potential affair to get your spouse to take you seriously, but if the reality is that you have every intention of moving on unless he meets you halfway, it's fair to let him know.) You've been asking him what you can do to make him interested in saving your marriage and trying to do whatever you can think of to help him. Let him know, that the way things stands with his lack of effort, you're losing interest in the marriage too. Tell him that you have no doubt that both of you can be as passionately in love with each other as you were the day he proposed, but only if he can put forth the same effort as you are and support your needs emotionally in the same way you've tried to support him. Let him know that no matter how much it may crush you to leave him, unless he decides to commit to you and work with you to restore the passion and whatever else is missing, that you don't think there is any hope.

What do you have to lose? Best case scenario, your husband is shocked to learn you already have a friend you are able to turn to and it's now his turn to do everything he can to try and win you back. Worst case scenario, he says that's it then and the marriage is over. But if you continue with this friendship with this other guy while still working on your marriage, it's probably doomed anyway.

Just whatever you decide to do, however long you decide to wait, or whatever chances you decide to give your husband...you are a good person, you deserve happiness that emotional connection with someone, but you need to be honest with yourself and your family. It may be difficult, but don't proceed with this friendship until you decide exactly what you are going to do. And, even though we don't know this guy personally, trust iheartmywife and myself just a little bit as men in our high level view of this "friend" of yours, and see past what he says to make you feel good and just think about the character of man who would willing hit on a woman who is still married. It's an important thing to consider.

AZMOMOFTWO

It's really helpful to get the insight from men. Women just think differently. One other thing I should add is that I'm not at all experienced with dating and how people think. Sounds weird since I am 39, but I have been with my husband since I was 16. I've never dated as an adult. I'm not sure how long I put up with this "I don't know what I want" period. I even thought about asking him to move out....and we've talked about it. He says for awhile and he has no idea how long he just wants to be alone. That pissed me off, I said regardless of us you have two kids. All of their emotions end up being taken out and handled by me. He walked out one day, not a word to them or me, not goodbye or when he'd be back. It was just for the night and I was supposed to know that. My daughter got up in the middle of the night and found he was gone. I was left to explain. Explain what? I don't know what to say or when he will be back. I don't want him to walk out the door again, if it does it has to be either for a specified separation period or for good because I sat up in the front yard until 4am because I could not sleep and hoped he'd come back. I also worried something would happen to him or he might hurt himself. So if we separate now then he has everything, freedom to be by himself or have his family when/if he wants it because he knows right where he left us and I can't go out...I have them to watch so his good little wife waits while he exercises his freedom. Maybe I am looking at this all wrong but I don't think it will work. He may end up decided what he wants to do but like you said my mind will go through all sorts of things and end up being angry. I had suggested that if we try separation there are parameters, a set period of time etc. He had even told me if he stayed somewhere he'd still be by the house a lot... so that's where I am getting this from. He didn't seem anxious to actually go get a place but keeps saying he wants to be alone. Alone means without kids. I don't know what this is....

AZMOMOFTWO

Thanks, I know you are pulling from me and I really appreciate your insight. For the reasons you've mentioned I've not spent much time at all with this other guy and have put the brakes on. No nothing physical at all, just purely platonic. He did admit to taking that girl to the waterpark with my son last weekend but only because I told him her father mentioned it to me (he didn't but I went with my hunch. They are neighbors and I was talking to the father about something else). He said "yeah I took her and didn't tell you because I knew how you would react and didn't want to deal with it." I told him I am reacting just like he thought but not because he took her after he promised he wouldn't but because he did so and lied about it. He tried to turn it all on me, its my fault he lied??? We argued a bit about that and I am not this jealous person he tried to make me out to be. I have never in 22 years doubted his word and he agreed I haven't. I think (and my opinion is not always on target so I may be wrong) that we turned a corner that night. We talked for a few hours about what our relationship was. I told him that he was maybe unintentionally sabotaging it because I'd give him space, I'd agree to not talk about the relationship and just give him time but he agreed to cut all ties with that girl. While I am out of town he spends the day (or half a day I guess she joined late in the day) with a girl he knows hurts me and with our son and then he used our son to try to lie! So the very worst thing he could do he did which he knows will eventually force my hand. You have to understand that my husband is very passive. He will avoid conflict at ANY cost so these conversations have been rough but part of me wondered if he was trying to force me to kick him out so he didn't have to make a decision. I'm not sure I'm off on that. It may not end up being the decision he wants but then he didn't have to make it and all the fallout is on me (this is a bit how he thinks I've seen him do this with his parents). So I told him if he makes no decision he has still made one. He has only two choices stay married or not. By not making a decision that will mean he has in fact decided not to stay married. Anyway he thought about a lot I can tell and admitted that yeah he had been inflicting pain on me and he didn't know why. He also thinks he's messed up in the head as he put it. Not sure where its going but I know that he's thinking and I'm giving him that space to do so. Although not physically since he still lives here and I don't think moving out at this point is the right thing to do for the reason of my earlier point above.

AZMOMOFTWO

iheartmywife and Blue Creek really gave me a lot to think about. I had actually told my husband about this guy a few days ago including that it was platonic but had all been well I never would have talked like we have. I thought he didn't care, in fact he said I can't blame you. He texted me Friday and all I did was respond. It was innocent enough in fact it was a photo of his son holding a rattlesnake that he had caught on a camping trip. The next evening when the you know what hit the fan (see other post He Cheated..) I told him to leave. For some reason he called the phone company to get the number I had been texting and he called him! He said he didn't talk to him but from the voicemail he knew this must be the guy. I'm not sure why he did that but I told him you know the suspicions you have had for the last few hours, I've lived with these for the last few months. In my case I did nothing other than talk...he did quite a lot more. Anyway, we are going to go to counseling together and see if this can be fixed but in either case I've cut all contact with this guy realizing that even though it was a friendship its the wrong thing to do. I really pride myself that throughout this whole awful ordeal I have always done the right thing. The two men who responded to this are right, two wrongs don't make a right. I want to be proud of how I handle myself so I made this choice. Thanks to you both for providing some perspective that I so badly needed. Despite the recent developments, I'm doing ok. I learned I was stronger than I ever thought I was.

BlueCreek

I mostly answered in the other thread, but I wanted to add in here that I am extremely happy to know you have broken off contact with the other man. It shows very strong character that when faced with the worst trial of your life, you've turned aside the easy path and committed yourself to at least discovering what may future your marriage may hold. You could have so easily turned to this other man as a source for strength, and have instead decided to find it from within yourself. You are so much stronger for that choice alone.

AZMOMOFTWO

Thank you.

iheartmywife

took the words right out of my fingers lol. when reading that you cut contact with the other guy i couldnt help but smile. i know the hardest thing to do is to look to yourself for strenght but im proud of you. now comes the part where you put all your love and effort into saving your marriage. good luck

AZMOMOFTWO

Well that got to be kind of interesting. I didn't want to lie about it so I told him that I had given my number to a guy and it was platonic but he'd like it to be more and yeah I was interested but nothing had happened. I left it at that but then the guy started texting me. I was texting him back (this was a little over a week ago before I found out about the affair he'd had). When I did find out about the affair and kicked him out, he called the phone company to get the number I was texting and called it. He didn't talk to him but from the voicemail he knew it was the guy... when all settled and I let him come home he told me. I thought that was weird...why bother finding out when he was the cheater. He said that he was curious and when he heard his voice he was jealous, mad and also strangely flattered (this was weird to me, but we talked about this one and he said he likes knowing other men are interested but that I'm coming home to him...I'm confused on this one but ok) but he also knew I was 100% telling the truth about it being platonic. I actually haven't handled this situation I just never texted or emailed back...I probably owe an explanation but not sure what to say so I think I will just ignore....

Anyway, I realized that I do have a lot of strength and confidence and you are very right I can do this on my own no matter where this road ends up. Its changed me (for the better I believe) as a person and my husband even told me outwardly this change shows up. We've been really open and he said that my new found self-confidence is an absolute turn on to him. As for me, I love feeling confident. I'm much more open and friendly with people.