General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I've always wanted to get married and used to hope that I would be married around the age of 25. I dated lots of women in college, but only a few after graduation. Now, at age 28, I've given up dating all together, and haven't been on a date in over a year. I wish that I would stop allowing my 20s to go to waste, but I simply can't bring myself to subject my self to nagging. It has ruined my opinion of women and dating. I simply don't understand why its something I need to accept. I never nagged any of my girlfriends - why did they insisit upon nagging me? I can't even imagine what being married would be like, given the horrible experience I had with the three girls I dated after college. All were nice enough girls, but they insited upon nagging. WHY??? Is there no hope?
It can be taken to extremes, of course, but a mate should motivate their partner to become more than they were alone. Guys don't especially like a nagging woman but without them, we'd still be content to live in caves and wear hides. A woman worth having wouldn't want her man appearing in public looking like Joe Crap the Rag Man. She wouldn't want the home looking like a dump. She would probably want her kids clean, fed, and not given deadly weapons as toys. She can't take pride in herself without also having pride in you and any offspring you happen to produce. A woman who consistently remains silent when her husband is screwing up is an indifferent wife. Any man worth anything received a little nagging from someone.
Fair enough, but I'm still not 100% convinced. I think a relationship should be fun - that you should enjoy one another's company, not be put off by it. I mean, realtionships are voluntary afterall. Why accept aspects of them that you don't like when you don't have to? Maybe I'm just immature...
I think you'd have to be more specific here...just what exactly were you being nagged about?
Take your pick. "Help me move furniture," "Come to bumblef**k with me to my parents house," "Why don't you ever show up to the library unannounced to surprise me when I'm studying?," "Come to my place and spend 30 minutes looking for a parking space everynight, but I won't ever come to your place," "Take me out to dinner and pay even though I refuse to pay for anything. Ever.," "Be emotionally supportive of me even though you never ask me to be emotionally supportive of you." The list goes on...
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Originally Posted by unbelievable
Oh, you want a FUN relationship. I thought you were talking about marriage. My bad.
I don't see what's so unreasonable about wanting to have fun. I say spend time together because you want to, doing things that you both happen to enjoy. Don't spend time together because you have to, doing something that you don't want to do just b/c someone else wants you to do it.
Oh, you want a FUN relationship. I thought you were talking about marriage. My bad.
LOL
unbelievable, you sir, are a funny bastard.
The Louche,
No, you're not immature. You are right in your wheel house. Dating is exactly what you should be doing instead of shopping for a wife. Women want you to be fun - but they will also endeavor to choke the fun out of you by pair bonding and domesticating you (hanging out, being emotionally supportive, wondering why you don't pay them more attention, move furniture, meet the family etc.)
Stick to your guns. Make it perfectly clear what your relationship priorities are - so that when she ultimately challenges those priorities (and she will), you can point out the fact "we talked about this ... and you know where I stand."
Don't go changing. You're just fine - but do keep dating.
No, you're not immature. You are right in your wheel house. Dating is exactly what you should be doing instead of shopping for a wife. Women want you to be fun - but they will also endeavor to choke the fun out of you by pair bonding and domesticating you (hanging out, being emotionally supportive, wondering why you don't pay them more attention, move furniture, meet the family etc.)
Stick to your guns. Make it perfectly clear what your relationship priorities are - so that when she ultimately challenges those priorities (and she will), you can point out the fact "we talked about this ... and you know where I stand."
Don't go changing. You're just fine - but do keep dating.
It has ruined my opinion of women and dating. I simply don't understand why its something I need to accept. I never nagged any of my girlfriends - why did they insisit upon nagging me?
It isn't the nicest form of communication. It would be nice if everyone knew how to communicate well. Alas it is something most people have to LEARN. YOU could learn some and thus model good communication and boundary setting skills.
Or you could just dump whoever nags.
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I can't even imagine what being married would be like, given the horrible experience I had with the three girls I dated after college. All were nice enough girls, but they insited upon nagging. WHY??? Is there no hope?
It isn't the nicest form of communication. It would be nice if everyone knew how to communicate well. Alas it is something most people have to LEARN. YOU could learn some and thus model good communication and boundary setting skills.
Or you could just dump whoever nags.
THREE??!!? Date more. Meet someone nice.
Three that I dated seriously. I've been out with a few more girls than that, but not many. My motivation is so sapped! Why even bother to go out with somebody at all when I know its just going to end in nagging??!!
Get back out and date until you find THE girl, when you and your girl are in love things like moving furniture are something you want to do for her and long drives to her parents will be things you will enjoy.
You will be emotionally supportive of each other and she won't even have to ask you to show up and surprise her unexpectedly, she will already be on your mind.
Marriage is a different animal than dating is, but if proper lines of communication are set in place you shouldn't feel like you are being nagged all the time either.
Holy cow! You should not write off all women because you had three serious relationships in your early 20s that were with women who just saw you as someone to entertain them.
Might want to ratchet up your dating frequency and broaden your pool of women.
You do know that both you and the women of your age group are more mature than just after college and will get more so going forward?
Trust me, if you are wife shopping and reasonably intelligent and employed, you will find someone interested in you. But not if you whine about nagging right off the bat.
Just be yourself and if nagging starts, talk to her about it.
My opinion: some of it might just be you. Some of the examples you gave, I can see how they are...well, not nagging, necessarily, but definitely not a good way to behave. Others, I think it might just be the way you took it but it wasn't intended as nagging. Asking you to come meet their parents, to me, is not nagging but is an attempt to move the relationship forward. Asking why you don't surprise them at the library...if asked once, I think it's a legit question, asked more than once could be nagging.
I also think that if you're noticing this same thing with ALL the women you've dated, it's time to consider that the problem is either you taking things wrong or looking at why you continue to choose women who nag.
Plus, I notice more than once that you say you "know" it will lead to/end in nagging. You will always find what you expect...even if it doesn't really exist. If you're determined that a woman will nag you, then her simply saying "hello" to you will be nagging.
I get that you're frustrated after having so many dates/relationships go sour. But I would get back out there, try to be more optimistic and see what happens.
But WHY is nagging acceptable? 
