I respect everyone's opinions and input.
I actually just got back from my 2nd therapy session. I am making the steps to work on ME and why I am the way I am, why I married someone I didn't truly love, and trying to make steps in getting ME healthy. I have to do that first, before I can even expect to move forward in my marriage.
I have told my husband the truth...that it is not fair to him that I feel this way, that I feel SO badly I'm not sexually attracted to him. When all the discussion began, I NEVER blamed him, told him what he did wrong, etc. All I talked about was ME and why I thought I was feeling this way, that it's a 50/50 relationship, that of course I brought my own baggage into it, I should have taken more time before marrying him, having kids, etc.
I've been honest with him about EVERYTHING, what I think is going wrong. I am lucky that I can say anything to him. He used to get mad and we used to fight, but we are more mature now and can have an honest discussion.
All I can do is be truthful of what is in my heart. It might be hard for him to hear, that brutal truth. But I think not enough people do that. If I am not sexually attracted to him or don't feel that intimate connection, I'm not going to lie to him.
I also told him if we continued on this way, we both have needs. It would be understandable if one of us, or both of us had an affair, and I am not going to do that again. If I feel any inclination towards another person, then that is truly a BIG SIGN that things are over.
If you are truly with the right person, you would not stray. Yes, people stray, that is human nature.
But to have the honesty with yourself and another person, that is the difference. I have told my husband the truth! That is all I can do for now and see where it goes.
And yes, we are going to therapy together, too. Of course I am going to do all I can to try to get back on track. I am just saying that after feeling a certain way for 15 years, it is hard to imagine me "falling in love" with him again. Especially if I really never did in the first time. I was 25 years old, coming out of another relationship - he was a "rebound" relationship. I was immature and needy and thought this great guy would "save" me and make my life easier. I didn't take the time for ME and take care of ME, on my own first.
I think that is a HUGE problem with people. They are too co-dependant and need to "find" themselves first - do their own thing first. Maybe people really should get married until they are in the 30's and 40's. That sure would solve a lot of issues and problems!
I feel good today, because I've been honest with my husband; it is a weight off my shoulder. I am not trying to change him, I am working on changing myself and making myself happy. Noone should depend on another person to make them happy.
If we do go our separate ways, I want him to be happy, too. He deserves to be loved the right ways, he deserves a wife who will touch him, be intimate with him. If I don't feel that with him, it is not fair to either one of us. I have told him that!
I am also happy because we are such good friends that we could co-parent our children in a mature, healthy way. I know that 100%. I am very lucky in that regard.
Thanks for listening!