Help me, my husband doesn't love me.
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Old 12-05-2010, 07:47 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Help me, my husband doesn't love me.

This problem has been going on since the beginning of our marriage. What is weird is that he was never like this when we were dating. Everything that gets to him, no matter how small, he wants a divorce. We have been married a year and a half and have had so many great memories but I swear some days he is bipolar. He could be happy and loving one moment and then the next tell me he regrets dating me, wants a divorce, and says he does not love me anymore. How can someone go from being super sweet to so rash?! I love him entirely and whole-heartedly and I do not want a divorce. He is very open about and does acknowledge that he is very selfish. He says to me all the time that he can do whatever he wants even if it is at the expense of others and even at the expense of me. How does one live with someone who is selfish? He has a very stressful job and sometimes I account his anger to that, but he is a drill sergeant and I tell him he can let out his anger on a trainee--not me. I don't want to take the brunt of his work. I do all the time because I know that is not my husband who is talking to me that way and it always does get better. I am alone in this as my family is across the country and I do not want to talk to them about it. I try to sit and gently invite conversation with him so that I can understand what it is I can do to make him less angry. I did this last night when he was browsing youtube and he got so angry and started yelling at me and saying "Can't you see I am busy/not a good time?" I was flabbergasted because he was putting youtube before me. He had been on the computer for nearly an hour and so I thought I would give conversation a whirl to see if he calmed down. But what do I know? This is not the first time he has been extremely angry I was trying to mend things while he is watching TV or on youtube. What can I do? I am so hurt and lost and still so deeply in love with my husband I want to make things better.
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Old 12-05-2010, 08:14 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, my husband doesn't love me.

Well, he keeps saying he doesn't love you and wants a divorce. Call his bluff. Let him know you love him so much that you only want his happiness and he should proceed with a divorce immediately if that's what he wants.

I'd bet you ten to one he'll have second thoughts, or he'll make attempts to blame it all on you. Either way, I seriously doubt that he truly wants a divorce as I heard nothing about how his actions are pursuing that line of action.

Either way, do you really want to live with someone that treats you in a damaging way and states they don't even love you? Put your own feelings aside and look at the reality of the situation. Do you love being hurt and treated like a piece of dirt? Your self esteem is probably already shot, are you going to allow it to get worse? Guaranteed his treatment of you will get worse too. He doesn't respect you, and he respects you less that you allow him to treat you the way he is treating you.

As I said, call his bluff. You can act loving towards him and let him know that you wish for something different, but no longer wish to live with someone that has no love for you as he keeps stating. Then, watch where the pieces fall. My guess is once you start to distance yourself from him, he will be rushing towards you and treating you with much more kindness.
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Old 12-05-2010, 09:00 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, my husband doesn't love me.

Thank you for your response. I will try this and see how it works. I have exhausted all options I have thought of this far and hopefully this will be the one that works!
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Old 12-05-2010, 09:15 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, my husband doesn't love me.

I will never understand why some people want to play this game. He's trying to force his will upon you (or get you to leave him alone) by making this threat. If he were serious, he'd file the papers. He'd move out. In all honesty, that doesn't sound like a bad idea to me. He needs help. He's not fit emotionally to be a husband to anyone. Please make sure you don't get PG by this man. That will likely amp up his behavior.

I'd bet a month's salary that if he came home and you were gone, he'd be begging you to come back. I don't advocate that..but I'd sure go to him in a loving way and tell him you just want him to be happy, so you've decided to give him the divorce he seems to want.

I'm wondering about YOUR happiness though. Just wonderin'....
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Old 12-05-2010, 10:43 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, my husband doesn't love me.

When he is nice and loving, I am a very happy camper. When he is like this, not so much. Someone can only cry so many tears and I think I've reached my reservoir limit--but that doesn't make it hurt any less! I have already tried using this approach today so we will see how it works. You're right, out of all these times he has threatened this, he has never actually done anything about it.. i.e., left or written up divorce papers. I am trying to be the strongest I can be and we will see how that approach works. Thank you~
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Old 12-05-2010, 10:51 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, my husband doesn't love me.

we are only responsible for ourselves, say it with me, kiddos. How do you figure you are responsible for correcting his abuse of you the victim? If you ever had the power to do that, he wouldnt behave this way. You are enabling the abuse by taking it. We treat others how to treat ups. He is responsible for abusing you, you are responsible for taking it. Get out before he hits you.

Good Luck
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Old 12-05-2010, 11:12 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, my husband doesn't love me.

Is he open to marriage counseling?

Sometimes hearing things from a third party is the only way to get through to someone who is so angry and takes it out on you.

Call his bluff next time he tells you he wants s divorce, and if he begs for you back, let him know that counseling and working on respect in your marriage is a necessary condition for you to stay together.
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Old 12-05-2010, 01:58 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, my husband doesn't love me.

Yes, he has considered marriage counseling and I think he just agreed to go probably tomorrow. We will see how that goes. At least he is more open to that. Today is looking on the up, we will see how long that lasts. Thank you!
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Old 12-05-2010, 02:15 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, my husband doesn't love me.

He may have an impulse control problem; I suspect a LOT of abusiver people do. He sounds like he has that or a boderline personality disorder, but either way, there are a few choices. Medical intervention for him, you leave, or you decide to completely ignore when he is being an A**hole, you walk out of the room or insist he leave until he can treat you respectfully, and you realize this is HIS problem and you do not have to make it yours. You can only choose #3 if you can truly learn not to let his behavior affect you AT ALL.

Learning not to take on someone else's problem is a great skill but very hard to learn. Don't take this path w/o full support of a professional and some deadlines to evaluate how you are doing.

Staying with things as they are is not on the list of options, as you may have noticed. This relationship will ruin you if you don't find a permanent solution. The fact that he's willing to try counseling is great--unless he gets there and says all the issues are yours. Good luck.
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Old 12-05-2010, 08:39 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, my husband doesn't love me.

Thank you for your input too! Sometimes I really do think he has a personality disorder. He does admit he has anger problems (AS IF his job helps) I like your approach of just letting him rant and leave until he is level-headed. Hmmm I will try that. Of course, tonight has ended up great as he is being very sweet. Thank you everyone for the very valuable input and I will try all of them!
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Old 12-05-2010, 11:34 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, my husband doesn't love me.

I hope counseling goes well...
I have to remind myself to be patient with the process. Even if the first session doesn't go the way you hope, hang in there and it is a great sign that you are both going,
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Old 12-05-2010, 11:54 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, my husband doesn't love me.

You said that right now he's being very sweet. Would you do something please? Would you google the "power and control" wheel. There are several, use the one that pertains to heterosexual couples. See if you recognize anyone there.
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Old 12-06-2010, 02:17 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me, my husband doesn't love me.

This problem has been going on since the beginning of our marriage. What is weird is that he was never like this when we were dating.
... It's not so weird when you consider that most folks know exactly how to be nice and behave well UNTIL they get what they want. Then, once they have bagged the kill, why bother being 'nice' any longer?

Everything that gets to him, no matter how small, he wants a divorce.
...As has been suggested before, tell him to go ahead and get the lawyer and papers together! You want him to be happy so let him get his 'divorce'!

We have been married a year and a half and have had so many great memories but I swear some days he is bipolar.
.. That's a possibility. Get a doctor involved! Maybe someone at the military base!

He could be happy and loving one moment and then the next tell me he regrets dating me, wants a divorce, and says he does not love me anymore.
... And how do you handle that? What responses or coping skills do you use when he abuses you that way?

How can someone go from being super sweet to so rash?!
.... I have no idea BUT why do you tolerate it?????

I love him entirely and whole-heartedly and I do not want a divorce.
...Are you sure it really is 'love' and not codependent NEED?

He is very open about and does acknowledge that he is very selfish. He says to me all the time that he can do whatever he wants even if it is at the expense of others and even at the expense of me. How does one live with someone who is selfish?
...... How do YOU live with it? What are YOUR policies???

He has a very stressful job and sometimes I account his anger to that,
...... You are falling into DENIAL there. His anger was in him way before this job!

but he is a drill sergeant and I tell him he can let out his anger on a trainee--not me. I don't want to take the brunt of his work.
... But you are a safer, easier target for his anger than trainees or those who truly deserve his anger for hurting him long ago!

I do all the time because I know that is not my husband who is talking to me that way and it always does get better.
...Whew, you really are in serious DENIAL and DELUSION about his behavior! He dumps the anger that he probably has had towards his parents on you and/or anyone or thing that will tolerate it! His anger should be directed at those who hurt him as a child (his parents) NOT at innocent bystanders like you or the trainees even if you and the trainees are SAFER, EASIER targets for his childhood RAGE at his parents!

I am alone in this as my family is across the country and I do not want to talk to them about it. I try to sit and gently invite conversation with him so that I can understand what it is I can do to make him less angry.
... I suspect only a therapist could safely help him track and face the source of his deep rage - in his early childhood experiences!

I did this last night when he was browsing youtube and he got so angry and started yelling at me and saying "Can't you see I am busy/not a good time?" I was flabbergasted because he was putting youtube before me.
.... It's not really about you. He isn't going to face and deal with his deep childhood pains for any reason until he seriously wants to.


He had been on the computer for nearly an hour and so I thought I would give conversation a whirl to see if he calmed down. But what do I know? This is not the first time he has been extremely angry I was trying to mend things while he is watching TV or on youtube. What can I do? I am so hurt and lost and still so deeply in love with my husband I want to make things better.
.... The only thing I can come up with is marriage counseling and ABSOLUTELY therapy for him. Talk to his military commander or any professional you can. You both need counseling. Him for his misdirected, unresolved ANGER and you for your codependency.
Much of what has been written here is good BUT you need way more than just little snippets of advise to get to some resolution and peace in that troubled relationship.
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