Re: Help me, my husband doesn't love me.
This problem has been going on since the beginning of our marriage. What is weird is that he was never like this when we were dating.
... It's not so weird when you consider that most folks know exactly how to be nice and behave well UNTIL they get what they want. Then, once they have bagged the kill, why bother being 'nice' any longer?
Everything that gets to him, no matter how small, he wants a divorce.
...As has been suggested before, tell him to go ahead and get the lawyer and papers together! You want him to be happy so let him get his 'divorce'!
We have been married a year and a half and have had so many great memories but I swear some days he is bipolar.
.. That's a possibility. Get a doctor involved! Maybe someone at the military base!
He could be happy and loving one moment and then the next tell me he regrets dating me, wants a divorce, and says he does not love me anymore.
... And how do you handle that? What responses or coping skills do you use when he abuses you that way?
How can someone go from being super sweet to so rash?!
.... I have no idea BUT why do you tolerate it?????
I love him entirely and whole-heartedly and I do not want a divorce.
...Are you sure it really is 'love' and not codependent NEED?
He is very open about and does acknowledge that he is very selfish. He says to me all the time that he can do whatever he wants even if it is at the expense of others and even at the expense of me. How does one live with someone who is selfish?
...... How do YOU live with it? What are YOUR policies???
He has a very stressful job and sometimes I account his anger to that,
...... You are falling into DENIAL there. His anger was in him way before this job!
but he is a drill sergeant and I tell him he can let out his anger on a trainee--not me. I don't want to take the brunt of his work.
... But you are a safer, easier target for his anger than trainees or those who truly deserve his anger for hurting him long ago!
I do all the time because I know that is not my husband who is talking to me that way and it always does get better.
...Whew, you really are in serious DENIAL and DELUSION about his behavior! He dumps the anger that he probably has had towards his parents on you and/or anyone or thing that will tolerate it! His anger should be directed at those who hurt him as a child (his parents) NOT at innocent bystanders like you or the trainees even if you and the trainees are SAFER, EASIER targets for his childhood RAGE at his parents!
I am alone in this as my family is across the country and I do not want to talk to them about it. I try to sit and gently invite conversation with him so that I can understand what it is I can do to make him less angry.
... I suspect only a therapist could safely help him track and face the source of his deep rage - in his early childhood experiences!
I did this last night when he was browsing youtube and he got so angry and started yelling at me and saying "Can't you see I am busy/not a good time?" I was flabbergasted because he was putting youtube before me.
.... It's not really about you. He isn't going to face and deal with his deep childhood pains for any reason until he seriously wants to.
He had been on the computer for nearly an hour and so I thought I would give conversation a whirl to see if he calmed down. But what do I know? This is not the first time he has been extremely angry I was trying to mend things while he is watching TV or on youtube. What can I do? I am so hurt and lost and still so deeply in love with my husband I want to make things better.
.... The only thing I can come up with is marriage counseling and ABSOLUTELY therapy for him. Talk to his military commander or any professional you can. You both need counseling. Him for his misdirected, unresolved ANGER and you for your codependency.
Much of what has been written here is good BUT you need way more than just little snippets of advise to get to some resolution and peace in that troubled relationship.