dudeman77

My wife and I have bee together for 7 years. Living together for 5 of it, bought a house 3.5 ago and married for the last 2 years. We've always kept most of our money separate, with a joint account to pay for joint expenses. When we got married we were too lazy to join everything and did not really see the point since the process seemed to have worked.

My wife is definitely independent, and she has supported herself 100% since she she turned 18. When we first met I was out of work and when i got a job it was low paying for my industry. We were making about the same for a couple years. But, she works in non profit and the salary is pretty slim. It took every penny to get into our house. Since then my salary has grown several times over, and I am able to cover alot more bills then she can.

Anyways, she has been going to school off and on for the last few years to get her BA. But this January we decided she would cut back to part time (go on my insurance) and go to school full time to finish up quick (she had 2 years left). I would pick up the difference from her checks for house payment, etc. and she would pitch in as much as she can.

The problem is that I feel like the money is ours and to me it is not a big deal to pay for her tuition or books or that I am paying the majority of the bills, etc.

She tells me that she feels terrible and hates the fact that i am supporting her and that she can't support herself. She is wanting to overwork or pick up a 2nd job etc just to make a little extra money. The thing is we don't need the extra money. If I tell her don't worry about it, it makes it worse.

It is causing a strain in our relationship. Any thoughts on what I can do to improve things in terms of how she is feeling about it?

Oh one other thing: For me to really relax I like to go on vacation, get out of town, etc. I have money in my account and I want to spend it to take us away, but she feels like we can't afford it - even though I can/we can.

bumble

I have been having finacial issues as of late and I think most of my feelings come from the fact that marriages just are not what they used to be. Women are encouraged to stay independant because of the chance the husband might leave. I personally do not think anyone is as capable of taking care of me better then me. I don't like to feel like I am at the mercy of someone else, and when she is dependant on you she is at your mercy. I am not saying you would use it as a tool to control, but there is always that posibility and nobody likes to be in that position If she is not comfortable with the situation of not having her own money let her go out and make a few extra bucks. It is not about you, it is about her. As long as it does not take away from the children, I see no issue.

ljtseng

I think you should be supportive of how your wife is feeling. it sounds like being independent is part of her identity. If you keep telling her to not be who she is then she'll pull away from you.

draconis

If she feels the need let her get a second job otherwise she might feel insulted. Let her know that you can pick up the slack if need be.

draconis

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