General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am 29 years old. This is my 2nd marriage. My 1st marriage was when I was 18 years old divorced when I was 22. One child came from that marriage. After that marriage I was involved in another crappy relationship for 1 1/2 years. After that relationship ended, I decided to be single, which lasted a year. After taking that break I decided to date, I found what I thought was a great guy, who is now my 2nd husband. He has never been married but he has 2 children from 2 previous relationships.
When I met my husband I quickly learned that he was not everything he had told me from the beginning. We broke it off but ended up dating again. I decided that I didn't want to introduce my child to him until I felt that we were having a serious relationship. To make a long story short before we got married my husband was terrible with money, never paid his bills on time,. would go shopping for clothes and shoes before he paid his bills, always asking me to help him pay his bills, always brought his kids up for the weekend and I ended up paying for everything, is a mama's boy, she wants to look great in front of his parents like he has it together but on my tab, he worked a deadend job and seemed very selfish. After 2 years he seemed to be getting things together we got engaged and married.
After the marriage I learned that he had not filed his taxes in 6 years because we were trying to buy a house. I am in grad school and bc of this I am not elegible for financial assistance. He got promoted and has a great job now but he does not to help me out. He now m akes 3x's as much money as I do and told me that once his promotion came that I would not have to pay the rent any longer and that he would clear up his tax issue. Needless to say nothing has changed. I am still paying 1/2 or more of the rent bc he is always broke and he never picked up his taxes from H&R after they were prepared. He never helps buy grocery, when his kids come I still pick up the tab, I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most or all of the yard work. What do I need a husband for if I do it all???? We have been married for 1 year and dated for 4 before we married. This maybe my second divorce and his first but I think I might be happier if I was single. The worst thing to me is my son is vert attached now and calls him dad. Do I sacrafice my sons happiness for my own or do I continue to have the same arguments with my husband about the same things every month?
My husbands excuse for not doing anything around the house is he works 12 hr days 5 days a week, but I work 10 hours 5 days a week, come home do my homework, help my son with his, clean, cook and do laundry, so why does he feel that what he does is more important than what I do. AND I pay my bills on time and buy ALL of the grocery. His excuse for not helping buy grocery is because I never ask him for money for groceries, but I don't have to ask him to eat them, so why should I ask him to help buy them????
I am tired and frustrated and at this point I want out!!!!
I don't have too much insight into your marriage, but I hope this helps.
Your post talks a lot about chores and attitude. Does your husband know you are considering leaving or that this might be a deal breaker? Make sure you communicate how big of a deal this is to you. If he thinks you are just fighting about day to day chores, he might not be taking it seriously. He may think that since he is making a majority of the money that he is pulling his weight in the marriage, but he does have previous issues with money and chores.
I'm a huge advocate for making marriages work. If you are still willing to work on this relationship, make it clear that something needs to change or you are seriously considering leaving. Husbands can wake up and see how terrible they are being in the relationship. I would recommend counseling. He may never be good at the chores, but he may be able to show you day to day love and support in some other way that making money.
Find out if it really came down to it if he is going to chose his current lifestyle over making his marriage work. It would take time for him to change and strength from both of you to continue the relationship.
Best of luck, and if your still open to continuing the relationship, I hope your husband is open to change.
Honestly my husband would not be able to make it without me. He makes more money but I save more. He is terribly lazy. There are more issues besides chores and attitudes.
Finances is our main issue. He is not financially responsible. He was raised that he got everything that he wants his mother is the type of person that she is impressed with how things look so she can brag. She knows that I am the one holding this family together and it doesn't bother her bc she can tell people how good we are doing knowing that it is because of me.
He does absolutely nothing around the house. We are still newlyweds and we have sex maybe once a month. He has good qualities but the finances and the fact that when I do talk to him about it he changes for 2 days is the issue. I am taking care of the house inside and out. He is just plain lazy. We are married but at the age of 30 his parents are still paying his car insurance and life insurance policy to which I am not the beneficiary. He is spoiled. His credit is bad and he is talking about we need to buy a house but if he has not completed his taxes in 6 years how are we going to do that. We are not, I would be doing it.
Seriously he is okay with me doing it all as long as he gets the credit for what I have done. I am living from check to check because he spends all his money buying the lastest electronics. He has 2 kids that I look after bc he brings them here on his weekends and I do the watching them while he sleeps. When he goes to get them (they both live 2 hours away) its always the weekends he has to work, I have to give him the gas money to go pick them up and take them back and buy all the groceries so they can eat. I make plans to go visit my family who lives 2 hours away in another state but I can't go bc I have to watch his kids. I feel like I put my all in and he gives me nothing.
But he wants to be called the "man of the house", how when I am doing all the 'Man" work. I bought ALL of the yard appliances, he has never bought a hammer or nail. When something breaks around the house I fix it or all the repair team. I can't even get him to pay the rent on time. I try to give him the benefit of a doubt and let him have more responsibility and he keeps failing the test. For the last 3 months I have been getting emails from the landlord saying the rent was late and we have a late fee. I am so freaking frustrated. I want out. I talk to him all the time about what bothers me, I have sit him down and completed a monthly budget, I have offered to take over all the bills with a combined account nothing has worked. He lies about paying bills, he lies about taking care of things like paying the rent on time, paying the lights, etc.
What do I do if talking isn't working. I am sad bc we have only been married a year. He will make a change for a little bit when he thinks I am mad and then its back to the same thing all over again.
@ Michzz,
When I found out about the taxes I told him that he will go file then even went with him to get them filed just to learn he NEVER went to pick them up. We have nothing together besides paying rent. I can't get any kind of financial assistance for school bc of this I talked to him until I am blue in the face. The only thing I can do is part ways bc nothing is working. He told me he never filed bc he will be taken for student loans or the back child support he had at the time. I was shocked to learn that it had been that many years. Now there is no way we can ever buy a home together unless I want a lien placed on it. If I don't get out now even if it has been a year what will I be looking forward to in the future?
I would definitely file separate returns, but any unpaid taxes that occured during your marriage will be your responsibility as well. And if he continues to not pay, they will keep any refund you have coming.
If you have any desire to salvage this marriage he needs to essentially let you handle all of the finances and live off an allowance that you and him can agree on. If he cannot see the wisdom in that and agree to it then it seems an immediate separation agreement is needed followed by a divorce. You will need to find a divorce attorney experienced with tax issues.
This is sad but financial instability has extreme long term affects and will impact not just him and you but your ability to provide for the children.
"When I met my husband I quickly learned that he was not everything he had told me from the beginning. We broke it off but ended up dating again"
Stop "ending up" doing things. Your life is yours to lead and control. For your sake and the sake of your children, use the control you have.
Take some time to learn about yourself and, perhaps, grow some self esteem. Look at how you managed to get into three bad relationships, two of them marriages, before the age of 29. I am not trying to blame or criticize you. But it is in your best interest to take these experiences as learning experiences so that next time you chose a good man with good values who isn't a lazy, selfish slob.
"When I met my husband I quickly learned that he was not everything he had told me from the beginning. We broke it off but ended up dating again"
Stop "ending up" doing things. Your life is yours to lead and control. For your sake and the sake of your children, use the control you have.
Take some time to learn about yourself and, perhaps, grow some self esteem. Look at how you managed to get into three bad relationships, two of them marriages, before the age of 29. I am not trying to blame or criticize you. But it is in your best interest to take these experiences as learning experiences so that next time you chose a good man with good values who isn't a lazy, selfish slob.
Good luck to you!
S
^ This.
YOU are the reason you are in this situation. You ignored the warning signs from the beginning and once you know about them, you continued allowing them to continue.
Get the tax situation straightened out and extricate yourself from this mess.
I want to be single again 
Re: I want to be single again 
@ Michzz,
