RaceCarMan

I'm new to this forum, having just discovered it after doing some googling on relationship issues.

I've been reading this forum and it strikes me the number of people who post here, talking about needing help with insecurity issues.

Please let me give you some advice: GET SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP NOW!!

Don't delay.

And if you're in a relationship with a person that has insecurity issues, demand they get some professional help right now as a condition of continuing the relationship!!! Tell them you NEED to see them take action on getting and following through with professional help.

Why do I say this? From my own observations and personal experience.

I wonder about insecurity issues:

1. I think that insecurity issues are actually a "security blanket" for the person that has them. They can blame everything on their insecurity issues. So it's not really their fault.

2. The person with the insecurity issues often holds the balance of power in the relationship - the other person is constantly spending time trying to "prove" themselves over and over, and resentment builds up. While meeting the needs of the other person, their own needs aren't met.

With regard to #2, I would agree that perhaps (I really don't know) that sub-conciously, the person with the insecurity issues also enjoys having that balance of power. But the relationship cannot get deeper and more loving in this way. It simply cannot.

Many people say that "love" is the most important thing. I don't think it is anymore. You can't love an insecure person out of their insecurities. They .. THEY NEED to do some work on themselves. If you are insecure, then GET SOME HELP!

You will quite possibly cause the other person to lose a lot of self-esteem, because instead of building them up, you are tearing them down.

How do I know this?

I fell in love with a beautiful woman just over three years ago. I loved (and still love her) her with all of my heart. She was funny, fun to be with, sexy, and we seemed to have lots in common.

Initially, it was a long distance relationship, but before we met, she had serious plans to move to my area. Her moving here had nothing to do with me initially; it was what she had wanted to do before we ever met.

We did not meet "online" - we met in person. The circumstances were pretty amazing, and there were other circumstances that just seemed to be like "signs" that we were meant to meet! It was beautiful.

About 3 weeks after though, her insecurity issues came up.... and I was running a business (still am), plus have four sons that I spend time with. I really had no energy for insecurity issues.

Actually, I was married previously, and that ended back almost a decade before she and I met - and since the end of my marriage, I had been in a few short relationships - which did not work out - yet to this day, I remain friends (not close but if something were to happen that we'd have a common interest or meet up, we'd be quite friendly - in other words, there was no malice or major fights in the breakups).

I didn't pursue any relationships, and was not looking to do so. I was pretty confident in myself, enjoyed being single - I could go fishing whenever I wanted, I could travel to see my kids without having to answer to anyone, I could stay up late if I wanted, to work.. etc etc.... I missed the intimacy of a relationship from time to time, but felt quite secure in that I didn't need to be in one to define myself.

There were women who liked me - I'm not a bad looking guy, and I kept in touch with some on a purely simple basis, but I don't even go out much as it is, and rarely dated.

When I met the woman I just ended with, she blew me away! And all of the signs, and the common ground.. and the way we communicated.. it was awesome! And I ran with it, and loved her.

When her insecurity issues came up, shortly after we met, I told her straight up that I had no desire to be in a relationship with someone that had major insecurity issues. She admitted to me that she did have them. Then, she asked me for a "second chance" and promised me she would work on them.

On that basis, I agreed (at the time happily, today I regret it) to continue the relationship. We made plans to see each other as often as we could.. (her move was delayed by over a full year though) .. we saw each other at least once a month, for a minimum of 3 or 4 days, and sometimes more.

There were times her insecurity issues were simply outragious. I was called a liar, a womanizer, and some of the things she accused me of were absolutely bizarre. But at the time, when things were good, they were really good.. so I kept hoping and hoping... and trying... and trying... and there were times my own responses to some of this stuff were not very good - I regret them and apologised for them. But it drove me mad.

She used to say stuff like her "instincts" told her that I was not a faithful man. And it would hurt, but I loved her, and I tried to work through it, and kept hoping and hoping.

As an aside, I don't really understand women who claim to that their "instincts" are correct. If hers are so correct, then why were her instincts when we first met, to go out of her way to meet me and continue from that point, a relationship, and ask me for a second chance?

I used to work in law enforcement and I know for a fact that quite often, your "gut feeling" or "instinct" is often very wrong! And you can't go around making accusations based on gut feelings and instincts.

I ended up spending enormous amounts of money and enormous amounts of time trying to always relieve her feelings of insecurity that I was cheating.

I was accused of being on dating sites (which I was not have no interest in), "chatting" with other women (which I have no interest in), and being out. At one point, over the course of about three months, we'd fall asleep together on the phone, partly out of wanting to be with her, and partly out of trying to reassure her... that cost me a ton of money.

Today, I'm broke and almost bankrupt. And guess what? The same old accusations and insecurity issues are still there!!!

I helped her move here, I helped her find an apartment, I moved in with her... and I loved her. I gave up so much to try to help her with her insecurity issues and feelings of whatever it was that would come up.

You know what else? Turns out she might have good reason for her insecurity issues, as she's not exactly the person she claimed. See, she would accuse me of stuff - sometimes it was bizarre - and then, I discovered hat she had been having a nice little cute email thing going on with an "old friend." She wanted to know about all of my email.. and she even had my password to my account, but hers was always "private."

About a year ago, she called some guy from her past.. who lives long distance.. so while we're having issues, she's spending time - it was probably exciting for her - getting back in touch with some guy... she told me about it after he sent her a gift in the mail three months later.

I was stunned. She told me it was purely innocent.. but didn't give me any information, refused to share with me any of the correspondence they had.. and it ate me up. Here she's got all these insecurities about me doing something like this... I ended up guessing her email password just so I could see what was there.

Well... it wasn't outright sexual, but lots of "hugs, kisses, miss you, flirtatious stuff... " He even called her a pet name I had used a few times!!!!

I confronted her with it. Her response? "You broke into my email? How dare you!!"

The funny thing is.. I know she had gone into my email.. I had invited her to do so.. she said she'd "never snoop" but i manage my own servers.. and when looking at logs one day, noticed that her IP address had been checking my email. I thought it was kind of funny.. because she said she would never do it.. I was not concerned as i have NOTHING to hide.. and when I told her I knew that she had, she called me a "bull****ter," tried to deny it, and then came up with the excuse that I had told her she could. Which was true... but she lied about it which pissed me off.

I don't know why I continued with her, but I did. I loved her!!!

Fast forward... It just NEVER ends!!!

Several days ago, much of this just caught up with me, and I had a bit of a breakdown, said horrible things to her which I regretted...

BUT...

Subsequent to that.. I get a phone call from one of my friends.. who happens to be one of her former lovers. He tells me that he just received what he considers, under the circumstances, an inappropriate email where she invites him to come visit her at work!

Not come visit "US," or have coffee with "us," but to visit her at work!!

This is a 48 year old woman, I'm talking about. When I confronted her with that - I was civil - her first response was, "Well, I have the right to invite old friends to come and visit me."

Later, her response was "It was a test. I was testing to see if you were still accessing my email."

And also, "you're probably doing stuff like that. I just feel that you are."

Get that? An insecure person can justify anything they do, and a relationship that could have been amazing, gets totally destroyed.

And believe me.. I've read stuff on this board about how apparently "men are cheaters... etc etc.." let me tell you.. for every man that cheats, there's a woman involved as well.

I find it peculiar that often women who cheat will blame it on their husbands not meeting their needs, but when a man cheats, he's a scumbag. personally, I think either who cheats, emotionally or sexually, even if there are problems, are scumbags. As a former law enforcement person, I can't tell you the number of married or apparently "committed relationship" women who hit on me when I was wearing a uniform - and I mean some serious hitting on... invitations, outright sexual offers,

At 47 years old, I'm simply not interested in games. I hate them. I detest them. I've seen too many people die with regrets.

I've seen the woman I love and loved with all my heart, come up with excuses for her behaviour when it suits her, and it's all about her insecurity issues with me.

And you know what? I'm a pretty good guy! I know I've got some bad habits that are a result of not being in a relationship for ten years.. but... I don't do bars, I don't go out on my own, I love to cuddle, I pay my share, I do laundry, I do groceries, I cook, ....

.... but I have to admit, I don't know how to deal with insecurity issues. Actually, that's not true. I could deal with them when presented properly, but presented as accusations, it's just absolutely outright preposterous.

I know I have bad habits... I'm a night hawk.. but I've tried.. but when you don't get positive reinforcement for efforts you make, and just get accusations, it's crappy and not very inspiring. I don't take well to being called a "****ing liar" simply based on your "feeling" because the fact is, I don't lie.

I'm not a great business man... things have been pretty crappy the past 18 months.

For you people that have insecurity issues, would you like to have your son or daughter married to someone like you?

Personally, i also think TV shows like Oprah and Dr. Phil are garbage... there is far too much negativity and puts thoughts into people's minds. But that is the stuff that sells... but if you want a healthy happy relationship, is it going to happen with constant negative thoughts? Negative news? Negative nonsense?

I'm rambling.. it's helpful to me.

But please, if you are a person that has insecurities, then get help NOW. The person you are with can love you with all of their heart, but if you constantly see stuff to be suspicious about, it's going to drive you insane! And you'll just continue to blame others, throughout your life.

If you're with someone who has major insecurities, put your foot down. Ah... but, you'll be called a 'controlling' person when you do that.. but you know what? Who cares? It's just one problem substituted for another.. one accusations substituted for another... put your foot down.. or get out.. or get out if you request councelling but none is forthcoming.

And if one single person out there reads this, and their life improves, either by finding a way to make their relationship better, or by getting out of the relationship and making their life better, that is good.

anx

I'm sorry for the problems with this woman you love (d). It does sound like you tried to care for her issues while she was doing the same thing back to you. Insecurity, stuborness, lazyness, dishonesty, and not being dependable are just a short list of what can lead to the end of a relationship. I think a lot of the time both partners can be at fault. harm is done to the relationship by one person and enabled by the other.

I think everyone bring issues to a relationship, and sometimes people aren't willing to do the work or don't know how to make a relationship work. I really don't think the people I know well will ever completely get rid of the issues they own, but together with a partner they can work around them.

pinkprincess

I a sorry for the problems that you have faced with the woman that you loved, you sound like a genuine guy and for you wanting to put so much into a relationship is great , just sux you didnt get it in return.

Reading your post i could relate to some of it with my husband, i dont know if you saw the post i made on here about insecurities ruining y=my marriage but it is all try.

Please dont think im trying to hide begind a wall but i have had 4 significant things in my short life of 26 years happen that have deeply effected the way i act and trust today...long story short tjose 4 things are adoption, rape, abusive bf and one i dont care to mention and yes these are things i have never delt with, so i am a tad bit crazy now lol

I am only able to admit this after the last weekend gone by, my husband and i sat down and i told him i wanted to seperate untill i had myself sorted as i didnt think it was fair for him to love and trust me so unconditionally and me not be able to return the same things... this broke my whole heart and i cried to myself for the whole weekend, it killed me, to know that i would have to let him go... so first thing monday morning i booked myself into therapy and i had my first session today, and although i know i have a long long way to go to deal with the past i feel so much better and i know we will be fine...

so what you say about insecurities ruining relatinships is so true... and i know first hand it is to take that important first step but i know it does feel good and i know my hubby is so proud of me ...

Solg

You know reading your post was like a mirror image of my relationship that i had with a girl. She did the same to me, accused me of cheating, flirting, sleeping around etc. We were together for five years we were supposed to get married in September of this year. In March of this year she broke up with me and she got married in October. In the end, she was the one that was cheating.

Solg

Wow pinkprincess!! For the mere fact that you recognized you had a problem and you need to deal with it is an accomplishment in itself!! Your husband is a lucky man to have you in his life... God is shining down on him!! You will get through this... all you need to do is have faith.

greenpearl

pinkprincess,

If we end up with a good man, we have to do whatever we can to cherish this good man we have. Do all the sweet things for this good man, make him happy, let him know how much you appreciate him.

Work on ourselves, build up self-confidence, and become positive about life.

Once somebody told me, in this world, there are still more good people than bad people! We still have better chances meeting good people, and of course it is our responsibility to get people to show their good side to us.

heatherlindsay

What do you mean by it drives them insane? I am a person with insecurity issues and its to the point that if i say the wrong thing that my partner will go ballistic and be emotionally abusive. Is this normal for guys to be emotionally abusive and almost even physically abusive towards there partner if they have major insecurity issues?

greeneyeddolphin

I can see your point, but I think it's only valid to a point. The things she did, the emails to other guys, etc...that's not insecurity, that's her character. She might blame it on insecurity, but it really isn't.

I have some insecurity issues. I am aware of them, and I deliberately am very careful not to voice any little doubt or suspicion I have because I know it's likely a result of my issues. I look for reasons to disprove my doubts or suspicions, and if I can't find anything, THEN I would go to him and talk to him.

I do agree that some people do need to get help for their insecurities, but not always.

__________________
Wendy

www.wendymillerwrites.com

major misfit

RaceCarMan...awesome post. The voice of experience speaks.

__________________
The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. ***Maya Angelou

"But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve" ***Professor Barnhardt to Klaatu

RaceCarMan

I'll have to re-read what I wrote, but I don't think I said.. and if it came across that way, that she blamed emailing other men on her insecurity issues. Rather, so many of the issues where blamed on her insecurities... which were my fault apparently, or turned into my fault.

The thing about the emails to the other men was that it was weird... in the sense it was exactly what she was accusing me of - and yet SHE was the one doing it.

greeneyeddolphin

I may have misinterpreted. I read it, and you made comments about insecure people blaming their insecurities for everything they did, and a couple of other similar comments. I inferred from that that she used her insecurities as an excuse. That would be my fault.

__________________
Wendy

www.wendymillerwrites.com

RaceCarMan

I don't know what you mean by "say the wrong thing." If you are trying to minimize accusations as if that is just "saying the wrong thing," then I think you need to look at that more deeply.

There is no excuse for anyone to become "physically abusive" but on the other hand, "emotional abuse" does include making false allegations and not believing and trusting.

When a person makes efforts over and over, and wants your approval and your recognition, but you don't give it, you are emotionally abusing that person.

Let's put it this way: If you walked down the same street every day, and everyday, met a police man who was nice some of the time, but frequently made accusations against you which were not true, how would you feel?

Would you accept that, or simply put it up to the cop "saying the wrong thing?"

I know there are problems with my analogy - police officers have a position of power... but it is exactly that position of power that enables them to make accusations and make people feel bad when they want to.

In making false allegations or having insecurity issues, you are putting yourself in a position of power over the other person.

And when it is done over and over again, it is emotional abuse from you.

How would YOU like it? How would YOU respond? Would you get tired of it and snap, having the person you love, constantly bring you down?

What exactly is emotional abuse, anyhow?

RaceCarMan

Why did you choose to separate from your husband? Why not give him the choice to go on with you while you are dealing with these issues? Why not let him decide what is "fair" to him?

Mom6547

Well. Yes. I used to volunteer at a battered women's shelter. LOOOONG time ago. It is quite common, though not exclusively the case, that an abuser will prey on a person who can't stick up for themselves.

Mom6547

I DO know a woman who did this out of insecurity though she later got over it. But it can be a real rush to hear from someone else that you are attractive and to be sought. Yes your darling beloved tells you that you are beautiful and desirable etc... But he HAS to...

No excuse... just talking.