hitrockbottom

Another Update..

I am trying to work on her privacy/space/not controlling things as much with her.

Firstly it is weird as hell and awkward to me. I have always been involved in every aspect of my wifes life...I mean EVERYTHING..but only because she let me and welcomed it. I was her crutch because we were in a new area, her safety net.

Now she has rebuilt what she lost when we moved, so she is struggling between being independent and being in the marriage.

Which I think explains some of her actions..IE...not wanting to tell me where she is headed, going out with friends A LOT more, staying out all night, and emulating my actions from the last year(drinking more and being extra flirtatious). But with all that she still wants me to....fix her car, take care of the house, run little errands that she doesn't have time for, basically be a man/husband but with out the commitment on her end...I think because of this struggle on top of what I did is why she is now using her friends and "separation" as a reason not to get close. But at what point does she need to start anew with me? Or is she by sharing things with me slowly? Easing into it?

Second thing...yes the sex or even the sexual contact.
I know that I am a guy and I am able to lets say "handle" things if I need too. She also has her toys. But lets admit it, there is nothing better then the real thing. I think that she feels though, since we are human and both have a sexual drive still, that if she gives in to me that there will be an expectation from me for commitment, and she is not ready for that yet. Understandable.

Finally and here it is:
I think she is afraid to love me...afraid of disappointment, which she is testing by asking these favors of me(which I happily do) She is also afraid to let go of this independence that she has found still exist because she is afraid it might go back to how things were. For the both of us.

I have been giving her space to her, respecting her privacy, and not having serious conversations where I am questioning her. Although I have made statements to her.
Here is the most recent statement made...
"Do you want to know why I tried to control you so much? For the last year I watched as you quit wanting to come around the things that I did as much. Then you would quit hanging out with me. So I started to control the little things hoping I would keep you around. Instead it pushed you further. I will work on that."

Last thing...
I think that the more I tried to keep her the more she felt like I was controlling....It went from her being alone with no friends, which is why we were so close, to her having friends. So she was expecting things to go back to how they were when she was comfortable before we moved..And I was expecting her to stay needy, instead I became Needy.

I think if I can show that I trusting toward her then hopefully she can return the favor. Or at the very least I can put it out there and we can/will have to compromise on it. Any opinions?

AZMOMOFTWO

It sounds to me like she is punishing you for how she felt by emulating some of the things you did. I have to admit that while I am going through this stuff with my husband, sometimes I want to give it right back to him. Its a strong urge that I am trying to resist but its there. Based on your posts you hurt her a great deal and to survive she had to build a life for herself. Now if she gives that up and you go back to being the way you were, she may not be able to recover again. It sounds like a huge defense mechanism to me. I know I'd feel the same in her shoes. I'm pretty much where she was ... I am trying to build a life which includes making new friends and doing things independent. So I try to fast forward and let's say he wants things back the way they were I will have some major trust issues and will not say "sure let me give up everything I built". She may feel by you trying to be involved that you are trying to take away her lifeboat. My advice is continue to prove to her that you love her and you have changed. Give her the space but do talk to her about what truly bothers you (staying out all night is not right it makes you worry all night) but pick your battles. Save it for the major things. I think you are dead on on the intimacy thing. Right now for me, we are still intimate and I feel its the one true connection we have. But I'm not where she is, because to me its a link to him...a commitment. Patience is going to be key but I think you have made some headway here even if it seems like you haven't. Give her some space and show her you care. Meantime, you should also develop some new friends (stay away from those old ones!) and some new interests. They will distract you and I think she will come around. Then maybe you two can share some of those new interests together. Hang in, I think you really are making progress.